Family doesn't approve of groom, vice versa.

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FutureMsScott Posts : 5 Registered: 7/31/09
Family doesn't approve of groom, vice versa.
Posted: Aug 31, 2009 1:21 AM

My family doesn't approve of my groom, well most of them. My father,
mother, stepmother, grandmother are the main ones who do not approve.
His mother, grandmother, and grandfather do not approve of me. Everyone
else in our family either doesn't really know me/him or does like
me/him.

I don't want to spend so much money on a wedding
that no one even really wants to be at, and does not approve of. In
your opinion, do you think we should have a big wedding or should we
have a much more intimate wedding.

If we have an intimate
wedding, we would most likely just get married on our way to our
honeymoon destination, which the stop would be in Florida. Another
option would be to get married at our honeymoon destination, which is
in the Bahamas.

So, in your opinion which do you think would be the best thing for us to do? Just trying to figure out, so any opinions.

p.s. we haven't put down payments on anything.


Also, ITS NOT BECAUSE OF MY AGE THE DON'T APPROVE!
I KNOW THE REASON WHY, BUT IT IS PERSONAL!
I JUST WANT ADVICE ABOUT IF I SHOULD HAVE AN INTIMATE WEDDING
OR A NORMAL, ENTIRE FAMILY WEDDING. PLEASE NO NEGATIVE BECAUSE OF MY AGE!

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Family doesn't approve of groom, vice versa.
Posted: Aug 31, 2009 7:47 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMsScott

If marriage is what you really want and it's what your FH really wants then if I were you I would have a small wedding. A small wedding at your honeymoon location sounds lovely. But if your family doesn't approve of you two getting married then they may not want to fly and pay to be at your wedding. In that case just have a small wedding at a park or someone's backyard. Decorate it really nicely and invite your close family and friends. Whoever doesn't want to show up then oh well. As long as it's what you want to do then you will be happy no matter where you will get married.
                              

 

Visit my wedding website http://www.mywedding.com/alanandjarlyn

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ES15yrs Posts : 22 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Family doesn't approve of groom, vice versa.
Posted: Aug 31, 2009 8:01 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMsScott

A wedding and a marriage is about the two of you. If you have decided you love each other and want to spend the rest of your lives together, then noone else's opinion should interfere with that. I personally would have an intimate and romantic wedding in the Bahamas, which would give you wonderful memories of the two of you making that commitment to each other vs. having a wedding at home where all you will be surrounded with is stress and negativity.

In life, everyone has an opinion, but in your marriage and partnership, the only one that counts is yours and your husband's. The earlier you realize that and focus on the two of you vs. what other think the stronger your relationship and your marriage will be.

Good luck!

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Family doesn't approve of groom, vice versa.
Posted: Aug 31, 2009 9:41 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMsScott

FutureMsScott- I'm sorry that your families don't support, that is definitely a horrible situation. Have the two of you ever sat down and talked to both of them about why they don't support you? I know you said it was personal, and you don't need to tell us, but maybe openly discussing the problem they are having with the two of you in an adult manner may help clear the air or shed light onto the situation.

I don't really agree completely with ES, when you marry someone, they come with family. It may not be the Brady Bunch, but none the less, there is family. Have the two of you talked about involement with family? Do either of you have close relationships with your sides of the family without him, he without you? Is family important to you? I'm not asking this to be harsh, but maybe help you think of things that will come up in the future. Emotions are flying around everywhere right now, and I would hate for you to make a quick decision out of emotion and then regret it. If you have a wedding by yourself and no one comes, will you be completely whole-heartedly happy about that? If so, go for the destination wedding in the Bahamas! But if you truly want your family there, I would try to resolve these issues with your family.

Yes, marriage is about the two of you, but it also depends on what else you want. Family at your wedding or not. I think if you really didn't care about family being there you would just plan for the destination wedding and not want any advice. I could be wrong, but just some things to think about before making your final decision. You want your wedding to be one of the happiest days of your life. Best Wishes to you!!!!

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Family doesn't approve of groom, vice versa.
Posted: Aug 31, 2009 9:51 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMsScott

Well, it never occured to me to ask about your age until you had an all-caps hissy fit at the bottom of your post. But NOW I'm sure wondering exactly how young you are...

First off, we can't make this decision for you. You and your FH need to talk it over and decide what is best for you.

Secondly, what do you mean by 'big wedding' and what do you mean by 'intimate wedding'? By 'intimate', do you mean just the two of you? Or do you expect your close family members to travel to attend your intimate wedding, even though they do not approve of the marriage? If you decide to have an intimate wedding and your families choose not to come, will you both be Ok with that? By 'big wedding', how large do you mean? (I had a traditional wedding, but I wouldn't call it 'big' by any means. We had 70 guests.) And if your disapproving family members chose not to attend a big wedding, would you both be Ok with that?

Another thing to keep in mind is that while some of your close family members don't approve, there are probably plenty of other people in your lives who do support your relationship. If you chose to elope, would you regret not having THOSE people with you on your wedding day?

Also, think about how you will feel 20 or 30 years from now. Since you didn't give any details in your post - except to stamp your foot and tell us that it's not because of your age - I don't know whether this is something that your family members are likely to get over in time. I've talked to a LOT of brides on these boards whose parents, FILs, or some other key person does not approve of the marriage....and most of the time, that changes with time. And a lot of the time, there's something that you can do to improve their opinion of you/your FH. For example, if the objection is due to different cultures or religions, let them see you making an effort learn about and respect one another's culture/religion.

Here's what I'd probably do, if I were in your shoes. First off, I would give things some time to cool down before making a rash decision. I would discuss the objections with my FH and do what we could to address the issues with my close relatives. Then we would decide how much these people's support means to us. I'm sure plenty of people will tell you that other people's opinions don't matter - that your love is the most important thing. They're wrong. Love isn't enough to have a successful marriage. Among other things, you need a good support system. If these close relatives are your support system and you lose them by going through with this marriage, then you're eventually going to resent one another for it - AND you'll have no one to turn to. I love my husband with all my heart, but I know our marriage would be difficult (if not impossible) without the support of our families. If they had opposed our marriage, we would have addressed their concerns before getting married. My point is that you are going to need your support system, and your FH isn't going to be enough. My primary support system is my family, so this would be a huge deal for me. For some people, that's not the case. If these close relatives are not your support system, then you might decide that you don't care.

I would make a list of the people who are truly important in our lives. Being related to someone does not make them truly important to you. A wedding does not need to be big. Mine was on the small side - not because we don't know more people, but because we kept it to the people who are most important to us. There are plenty of family members on both sides that we did not invite. There are 'old friends' who we aren't really close to anymore that we did not invite. And on the other hand, there are newer friends who play an important part in our lives NOW that we did invite. What I would do is sit down and make a list of the people who make up your support system. If these close, but disapproving relatives are not on that list, then leave them off the wedding list. That way, you don't end up with a big wedding full of people who don't want to be there.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Family doesn't approve of groom, vice versa.
Posted: Aug 31, 2009 9:59 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

The Hissy fit makes me think you are very young and that is the reason you family is disapproving of this relationship. A mature person who is ready to marry would not make an issue of their age.

I say do whatever you want to do.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

wedding websites

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Family doesn't approve of groom, vice versa.
Posted: Aug 31, 2009 1:36 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

Dear KOW,

"The Hissy fit makes me think you are very young and that is the reason you family is disapproving of this relationship. A mature person who is ready to marry would not make an issue of their age. "

We are, once again, in agreement.

The family disapproval could be for a substantive reason, such as age or the guy being a convicted felon in prison, already married, way older, whatever. Without any more details I am hesitant to offer suggestions to anyone who already has her mind made up as to what advice she will accept or reject.

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FutureMsScott Posts : 5 Registered: 7/31/09
Re: Family doesn't approve of groom, vice versa.
Posted: Aug 31, 2009 2:50 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

It's not a hissy fit, its just that I posted this same thing on another websites board, and I didn't get any feed back for what I asked. The only feed back I got was about my age, because I'm 18 and he is 21, but that's not what I am asking for. I wont listen if anyone says anything about my age, I will only listen if you actually help me on what I posted.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Family doesn't approve of groom, vice versa.
Posted: Aug 31, 2009 2:51 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMsScott

ITS NOT BECAUSE OF MY AGE THE DON'T APPROVE!
I KNOW THE REASON WHY, BUT IT IS PERSONAL!
I JUST WANT ADVICE ABOUT IF I SHOULD HAVE AN INTIMATE WEDDING
OR A NORMAL, ENTIRE FAMILY WEDDING. PLEASE NO NEGATIVE BECAUSE OF MY AGE!

I know the answer to your question, but I'm not going to tell you what it is because it's personal! And don't give me a negative response because you don't like my answer--or my age!!!!!
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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FutureMsScott Posts : 5 Registered: 7/31/09
Re: Family doesn't approve of groom, vice versa.
Posted: Aug 31, 2009 2:52 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

The reason that my family has told me was not because of my age, but other reasons... so that is not why they don't approve. I asked them if thats why, and they still said no.

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Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: Family doesn't approve of groom, vice versa.
Posted: Aug 31, 2009 3:42 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMsScott

Unfortunately, if you won't provide any information on the situation, the only "opinion" that anybody can give you is what KOW said: do whatever you want. The "best" solution would really depend on the reasons behind the tension/disapproval, and since you won't get into that we can't really help you.

 

 

~~Life's tough, wear a cup~~

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Family doesn't approve of groom, vice versa.
Posted: Aug 31, 2009 5:42 PM Go to message in response to: Agape14

Unfortunately, if you won't provide any information on the situation,
the only "opinion" that anybody can give you is what KOW said: do
whatever you want. The "best" solution would really depend on the
reasons behind the tension/disapproval, and since you won't get into
that we can't really help you.


This. I'm not sure if you don't know why they don't like him or you do know and won't say. If you don't know and they won't tell you even if you ask, then all I can say is I agree with KOW. Do what you want and if they won't come then I wouldn't throw a big wedding.


 

 

 

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Mamafree Posts : 2 Registered: 8/31/09
Re: Family doesn't approve of groom, vice versa.
Posted: Aug 31, 2009 5:56 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMsScott

Hey honey. First of all I want to say congrats on your engagement.
Finding someone to love can be a beautiful thing especially and when
its a "me-and-you-against-the-world" situation it can make your love
strong. I got married at your age, with everyones approval, and had a
big wedding and the marriage didnt last but a year. I got married
again to someone else, eloped in Vegas and we are stronger than ever. Everyones
circumstance is different! The fact of the matter is, your getting
married....... YAY!!!! I'm happy for you.....and that's my 2cents on that LOL.

Your wedding guest serve as witnessess of your marriage. By attending your wedding they have a responsibility to do everything they can to support the couple and keep the marriage together and strong, if they will not fufill these duties they shouldn't be invited. For that reason, I beleive that you should have an intimate ceremony with about 25 of you and your husbands closest friends in a local area that would be convienet for them to get to but far enough away from any potential drama that may occur. My only regret with my elopement is that more of my friends weren't there. My parents wouldn't have approved of us getting married and wouldnt have come anyways so, you know.... but the ceremony itself was beatiful, memorable, and special for me and my husband.

Anyway, It doesn't look like your from Florida so I wouldn't bother doing anything there if your close friends won't be there with you. If my above suggestion isn't possible for you to do then I'd get married at your honeymoon location. I always envisioned a beautiful wedding at sunset by the beach.

Let me know if you need help, I could help you "virtually" with your planning. I have tons of great ideas and resources that could help you make it unique and beautiful, maybe forgoing some of the traditional wedding events where family is involved and make it young, fresh, and fun. I'd just need a little more information about the area you live or the area in FL your thinking about. Just direct message me.
~~if you don't have a smileLaughing, you can borrow mine.~~

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brownegirl Posts : 523 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: Family doesn't approve of groom, vice versa.
Posted: Aug 31, 2009 8:08 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMsScott

Hi, I just wanted to say that parental disapproval is actually fairly common in a lot of relationships irrespective of age and, in time, your parents may come to accept the relationship. On the other hand, I would be concerned if none of your close family approved of the marriage. That seems like a major issue that should be addressed before you get married.

In regards to your actual question, think about how you would remember your wedding in 10 years? Can you see god memories of a DW or would you regret not having your family with you? Consider that and then make your decision because in the end you and your FH have to live with the choice you make.

That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. Innocent

Proud Member of P.O.O.P - People Offended by Offended People

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BriansAzBride Posts : 326 Registered: 12/5/08
Re: Family doesn't approve of groom, vice versa.
Posted: Sep 1, 2009 2:33 PM Go to message in response to: brownegirl

There are a lot of thread on here with the same problems. However, there is one main difference. Here BOTH families dislike the partner. I've seen lots of "My future in-laws don't like me" or "My family disapproves" but here both families have a problem. My question is why? Something must have happened, or was done that shouldn't have been done.


 

 

 

 I feel like a kid. Pinch me. This kind of love certainly can't be real. Oh wait, it is :)

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