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Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?

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JPBride62710 Posts : 3 Registered: 12/31/08
Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 22, 2009 11:28 AM

Help! After 2 years of dating my now fiance proposed. After 8 months of being engaged and wedding planning (and 10 months away from our wedding), he says he does not think he is ready to get married afterall. He has now decided that he thinks we should have lived together beforehand, that he rushed into proposing. We have always had a wonderful relationship and he says it doesn't have anything to do with us as a couple. I'm devastated and angry, but would rather find out now than getting divorced. These discussions have been going on for over a month and now our families are involved. He doesn't want to cancel the wedding yet but says he needs more time to figure things out. Do I give him more time? Do we cancel the wedding and stay together? I don't think I can just cancel our wedding and just go back to being his girlfriend after all this. I feel that he either wants to marry me or not...we've been together for over 2.5 years now. I know people get cold feet but not to the level that he has taken things. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Edited by: JPBride62710 on Aug 22, 2009 1:31 PM

not_ready_to_get_married , fiance , cold_feet
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myra Posts : 5,555 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 22, 2009 1:32 PM Go to message in response to: JPBride62710

This is one of those"It all depends" type questions. How old are you both? How much dating/living/marriage experience have either of you had? Are there financial issues? Are either of you still in school? My advice would be different if he's a 21 yead-old student, or a 35 year-old divorced father of two.

My own experience in my first marriage would make me run like hell were I in your situation. My ex and I had dated since senior year in high school and all through college. By the time we got engaged, I think we both knew in our heart of hearts that this was not going to work. He tried to tell me that, but I pushed to get married. We ended up divorced. I do not know whether that is relevant to your situation or not, but I would say that if he's telling you that he's not ready, then he's probably not ready (whether for you or marriage in general, I can't know). I certainly don't think that moving in together under these circumstances would improve the situation (at least, not for you). If you do break it off, and if he does discover that he can't live without you, trust me, he'll let you know that loud and clear.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

not_ready_to_get_married , fiance , cold_feet
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JPBride62710 Posts : 3 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 22, 2009 1:50 PM Go to message in response to: myra

I am thirty and he is 28. We both have had a number of serious relationships, but have never lived with anyone. He has always said, and still tells me, that I am the love of his life. I know he is not happy where he is in his career right now, but I have a successful career and never put any pressure on him to be the primary earner in the relationship. He keeps saying he is worried about the future - what if we find out we aren't really compatible and get divorced...what if he can't provide for his family in the future...?

We have had a very healthy relationship and I never pushed him to get married. I was actually very surprised when he proposed because although we talked about getting married someday, I did not anticipate it to happen after two years - especially because he was only 28. I thought the fact that he asked my father and proposed with no pressure from me, meant he was really ready. He says now that he wished he never proposed and things could go back to being "uncomplicated".

He says if I really loved him then I wouldn't put so much emphasis on marriage. I agree that there shouldn't be so much empahsis on a wedding, but what kind of man commits to marriage and then takes it back? Half the wedding is planned, we had an engagement party (that HE pushed for) and now decides he's not sure he wants to go through with it....

not_ready_to_get_married , fiance , june_2010 , new_york , cold_feet
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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 22, 2009 2:47 PM Go to message in response to: JPBride62710

If it were me in your shoes, I would cancel the wedding to take the pressure off. I know that will mean losing deposits probably, but better that than a divorce or unhappy marriage, and maybe you can negotiate with your vendors to hold your deposits for a year or so in case you work things out.

Other than that, I think Myra has given you good advice. If you love him enough to want to stay together and try living together, then do it. If that doesn't feel right to you, then don't. In other words, if you think you will resent him by staying together/living together, don't do it. He's making it clear he's not ready, but that doesn't mean you're required to stick around while he figures it out.

If you cancel the wedding, maybe you should just play it by ear how committed you want to be to him right now. Maybe you'll need to take some space for a few months to be by yourself, or date other people, or date him and other people. I'd be hurt and confused in your place, too.

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not_ready_to_get_married , fiance , june_2010 , new_york , march_2008 , southern_california , cold_feet
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 23, 2009 10:30 PM Go to message in response to: JPBride62710

Dear JP,

"He says if I really loved him then I wouldn't put so much emphasis on marriage."

Yeah, right, and if he really loved you he would be happy to get married. So, it's a draw.

This entire thing sounds like a no-go to me. You both are well old enough to get married. It's not like you will be incredibly more mature at 33 than at 30. If he's not "ready" at 28, he probably never will be.

What do you want for your own future? Be 40 and 38, and still hear "Oh, gee, I'm not ready for such a big step." ? Hear it again at 50 and 48? 60 and 58?

People who want to get married should hang around with and date people who want to get married.

People who don't want to get married should hang around with and date people who don't want to get married.

You sound like someone who wants to get married and you are hanging around with someone who does not want to get married.

My suggestion to you:

Do as he says. Put all wedding plans on ice. Stop all wedding talk. Cancel any arrangements, lose any deposits, tell your families to plan whatever they like for that date.

Because: You are no longer engaged.

Since you are no longer engaged, you are free to see other men. You are free to go out for coffee after work with a co-worker who has a nice unmarried brother about your age. You are free to flirt with the nice guy who fixed your car, or with the good looking guy in the apartment above you.

You are not doing this to make your boyfriend jealous. Not at all. You are not doing this to try to force him into marrying you. Not at all.

You are doing this because it is your life goal to get married, and since he doesn't seem to be interested in a similar life goal, you are making yourself available to various men who might have the same life goals as you do.

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,166 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 24, 2009 11:06 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I agree with Aunt. To me, saying you don't want to get married when you've already established a relationship is just an "out".

Getting married is scary as heck! If my DH gets in a terrible car accident and is on life support, I'm now the one responsible for his life! He's now in charge of my life, organs, everything! That's a terrifying thought to have that much responsibility for another human being. However, because I love him more than anything in this world, I'm OK with it.

There's no reason to wait around unless he gives you a real understandable reason, not excuse....reason! Unless you're comfortable with staying together as BF/GF forever move along!
Happiness is you MIL's face on a milk carton.

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MrsS2010 Posts : 336 Registered: 5/25/09
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 24, 2009 11:18 AM Go to message in response to: Mushaboo

Amen to everything AOTB said. I dont think he even realizes that things will NOT go back to "being uncomplicated" like he wants if you guys break off the engagement. You said so yourself that you cannot go back to just being his GF after being engaged but I dont know if he really realizes that. Seems like he thinks you can just break the whole thing off and go back to a "normal" BF/GF relationship and its just not gonna happen. You want to get married. And that is perfectly understandable. But what do you want more, to one day live a married life? or to be with this guy forever even if it means no marriage?

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myra Posts : 5,555 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 24, 2009 3:21 PM Go to message in response to: MrsS2010

what do you want more, to one day live a married life? or to be with this guy forever even if it means no marriage?

When a guy doesn't want to get married, it usually means that he doesn't want "forever." What can happen is that the couple just floats along, uncomitted, until one day someone calls it quits. Since this young woman already is 30, and she might want to have children in the not-too-distant future, this must be a consideration.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 24, 2009 4:23 PM Go to message in response to: myra

If it were me, I would cancel everything call off the engagement and get out of Dodge.

I would then find the nearest Chapel, Church, Synagouge, Mosque or wherever you worship and get down on my knees and thank my maker that I dodged this particular bullet.

I would then take stock of my life figure out what I want to do about my future and get to working on it.

I would leave this loser in the dust.

I wish you luck with whatever you decide.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 24, 2009 4:41 PM Go to message in response to: JPBride62710

My bff actually went through something similar only in reverse. She had been dating her boyfriend since HS and they got engaged when they were about 25 or so. They were engaged for a couple months and put an offer in on a house together. She freaked, panicked, backed out of the house and broke it off. She thought she couldnt picture buying this house with him and having a normal married life. Their couple time and friend time was completely out of whack. She didnt want to settle down with a man, in a house, married and have all his friends over constantly (among other things--- thats an example). Plus he needed to do a lot of growing up. Anyway, they ended up separated for about a year, got back together, worked on lots of things and recenetly got married and just bought a house.

So I guess my point is, maybe you need to take a breather. Maybe it is moving too fast for him. Thats somethig we don't know, and something you won't know until you really hash it out with him. Maybe he is just freaked about settling down with ONE person forever. I know for me, it was a daunting thought, just like it was for my BFF. but the best advice you can give him is to take it one day at a time. If I sat here obsessing over the next 5 yrs, 10 yrs and beyond I'd SPAZZ out. And I have completely had breakdowns about it all

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

not_ready_to_get_married , fiance , october_2008 , cold_feet , central_new_jersey
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ToyToy09 Posts : 224 Registered: 6/3/09
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 24, 2009 5:31 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

It makes me really angry when people don't think very serious matters all the way through before committing to them. I sympathize with you whole-heartedly and will keep you in my prayers. In the meantime, it sounds like the best thing for you to do is what the majority of these ladies have suggested. Shut it down and leave. More than likely, he has NO CLUE what he has just done, but he definitely NEEDS to see the consequence of it. That experience alone could make him snap out of it, but you should prepare your heart for the fact that he MAY NEVER snap out of it. And that is his loss, not yours. You will be married and live the life that you desire, but it won't be with someone who is going to leave you hanging. Count it as blessing that this huge shortcoming on his part is being revealed now rather than later. Hang in there. This will pass.


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not_ready_to_get_married , fiance , october_2008 , may_2010 , kentucky , cold_feet , central_new_jersey
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FrancieElaine Posts : 655 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 25, 2009 10:43 AM Go to message in response to: JPBride62710

Here's the thing. You deserve to be engaged to a man who can't wait to marry you! You deserve to be engaged to a man who wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with you. He will want to be there with you through good and bad. He will want to have children with you. He will want to grow old with you. You deserve that! Please don't settle for anything less. This man is not at that point and he may never be. You do what you have to do to take care of yourself.

Be a Warrior Princess!

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

not_ready_to_get_married , fiance , north_carolina , cold_feet
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JPBride62710 Posts : 3 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 25, 2009 3:46 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

Thank you ladies for all your support and advice! I have been trying to be patient with him. Instead of being upset, I have been trying to talk to him and assure him (remind him) that I am on the same page about our future and what we want in life.

The bottom line is that he's been feeling this way for about 2 months now, and he keeps saying "feelings are feelings and I can't control them." Another good one I recently heard was "being in love is all that matters". Yes love is the most important part of the relationship, but I want to be in love, get married and have a family one day. As Francie said "I deserve to be engaged to a man who can't wait to marry me!". None of my other friends were put through this hell. I don't think he should get any more time...while devastating I know in my heart already what I need to do...

xoxox

not_ready_to_get_married , fiance , june_2010 , new_york , north_carolina , cold_feet
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BriansAzBride Posts : 326 Registered: 12/5/08
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 25, 2009 4:35 PM Go to message in response to: JPBride62710

Honey, you are not on the same page as him. Do not tell him that. No more talk of " We're on the same page". You are not on the same page. Far from it! You want marriage and it doesn't sound like he does. Like Francie said, you deserve someone who is dieing to marry you (well not literally), someone who wants to make the days come quicker, not someone who wants to put it on ice. Leave him and find someone better.

 

 

 

 I feel like a kid. Pinch me. This kind of love certainly can't be real. Oh wait, it is :)

not_ready_to_get_married , arizona , fiance , june_2010 , may_2010 , new_york , north_carolina , cold_feet
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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Fiance says he's not ready to get married - cold feet or more serious?
Posted: Aug 25, 2009 6:19 PM Go to message in response to: BriansAzBride

Amen, Brians.

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not_ready_to_get_married , arizona , fiance , june_2010 , may_2010 , new_york , march_2008 , north_carolina , southern_california , cold_feet
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