Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 12:19 PM Go to message in response to: BlushingBridezi...

1.) What will you tell your kids about premarital sex? Exactly what my mom told me at age 9. You have sex with someone you love. She never mentioned anything to me about waiting for marriage and waiting for marriage, honestly, never crossed my mind. Waiting for love did, though.

2.) And what would you do if you found out your child was having sex at an early age behind your back? Well I agree w/ MsD, pre-16 I'd sit them down, try to see whats up. If he/she is being pressured into it or something. And give them a good speech about protection too. I think anything after 16 is probably OK if it's a"serious" relationship and I know the guy/girl and have spent time with the 2 together,. Again, if I had a daughter, she'd be brought immediately to the OB/GYN for a check up and anything else.

3.) What would you do if your child was a virgin, but planned on having sex soon? In this case, they have decided to come to you for advice on how to get birth control(or condoms)...but they are not asking for your PERMISSION, but more so advice?? Depending on the age (16/17 and up) I would help her/him. By 17, its good for a young woman to start seeing an OB/GYN anyway (i did at 17) so even if she wasn't active, I'd still take her to the Dr. Its more important that they can come to me, than to bash them for it. I'd rather have him/her using protection than sneaking around.

4.) What if your child ends up having completely different views on sex than you do( ie they sleep around and see nothing wrong with it)?? Well I slept around and saw nothing wrong with it so I'd have to say thats not different from my views. But if he/she wants to be a virgin til he/she is married I'd support it. It's my child for crying out loud, of course I'd support him or her. Now if he or she was reall going around being a whore then I'd have a problem with it (pre age of 18). I woujdl like to think I woul;dnt know about it thogh. And I'd make sure she/he had all the education about sex he/she would need.

5.) Will you give your girls a different set of rules when it comes to sex, or will you treat your boys and girls the same? As far as education goes,they'd get the same. However I agree w/ MsD that girls view sex much differently so I'd make sure she was aware of this. Anf of course I'd have to make sure my daughter wasn't just going to have sex b/c some boy was pressuring her into it, although I am sure lots of teen girls pressure the boys too.



Bascially, I didnt wait for marriage and never thought twice about it. my first time was w/ my first serious boyfriend at age 18 right after I graduated high school, which for me, was the perfect time. We dated for about a year and that was that. There have been several since him, and I have to say, lots were just flings. I've had more flings than actual relationships. But it made me who I am today. I can only hope my children will be smart about things like this. While my mom instilled the fear of God in me if I ever did anything wrong, I still felt comfortable coming to her with things. I just knew I wasn't going to get away with much. SO I just hope I Can parent like her....as much as i HATE saying that! ;)

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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 4:56 PM Go to message in response to: BlushingBridezi...

Like a few others, DH and I were not virgin's when we married, however we both wished we had saved ourselves for each other. We both come from the similar beliefs as yours, with DH's parents being missionaries (and his dad is also a pastor), and my parents being very active in our church. I also went to a private Christian school for 13 years (K-12), and went to church 2-3 times a week back in jr high/high school (service and Sunday school on Sunday mornings, small groups on Sunday nights, and youth group on Wednesdays).

I applaud you guys for being able to wait though - I remember back in high school youth group some group came and handed up pledge cards to sign if you wanted to pledge to wait to save yourself til marriage. although at the time I had planned to, I didn't want to sign one as I didn't know what the future might hold. all friends did though and even gave me crap about it as well, cuz everyone was, but by the end of high school and the beginning of college, they had all broken the public pledge
they took...

I was always raised abstinence, abstinence, abstinence. You wait til marriage. My parents never took the time to talk to me about sex - our sex talk was basically "don't do it until you're married." The only sex ed I got came from my private Christan school, where they taught abstinence as well - in jr high sex ed was all about going through puberty and your body changes, in high school we spent 1 day on actual 'sex ed' during our health class and it was basically just "don't do it until your married." our high school sex ed course was actually just 1 day out of our health class, where we also spent a day or so talking about different STDs. We also had a guy who worked with out youth group who was a gyno talk as well. He talked about all the young teenage girls that have come into his office, all the possible STDs you could get, etc and the entire gist was "don't do it until you're married."

It was also in high school one of my friends from youth group pointed out that it says in the Bible to not have "multiple partners," so she interpreted that how most would.

I was a virgin up til my 3rd year in college (i was 20), and i'll admit, the guy I was dating was not a Christian, he had 1 prior partner, and there was some pressure there - we had been together for a year and a half and had not done it. I'll also admit, I wasn't really pursuing God in any aspects of my life, I knew he was there and looking out for my wellbeing, but that was the extent of it. I figured I'd get my act together later in life, right then I just wanted to enjoy my college years like everyone else was. When I learned that some friends I never would have thought to have had sex were sexually active, it made me rethink it, so I started doing my own research to mentally prepare myself. Needless to say, I used to be glad I did it, as if that were my wedding night I would have been pissed - my ex didn't even last 30 seconds, it was that bad! We would try again every so often (we were together for almost 2 more years after that), but it never really got better on my end, the guy just sucked. Now with DH, as many know, we had been friends for 9 years prior to our relationship. We had first started dating, I knew he was somewhat sexually active and had more partners that I did. We had agreed, based on our beliefs, that we would wait several months and see how things went, maybe even waiting til we got married. But that lasted about a month and a half. We got drunk with my roommate one night and what we had agreed on went out the window. We never regretted it though, DH just said he wished he had waited for me, because it felt too right and meant to be with me. I agree though, I felt the same way. And it was soooo much better than it was with my ex.

Now I never regretted having sex before marriage until I went to my first gyno exam the week before my wedding. Yes, that's right, 24 and going to the gyno for the first time - my mom had said when I asked her about going back in high school and before college (when all my friends were going) that I didn't need to go - you only go to the gyno if you're having sex and I wasn't so there was no need to. I had thought about going in college, however I was still on my parents insurance and I was afraid it would show up on their insurance records and I didn't want them to know I was having sex.

As most on here know, when I went to gyno, my first pap smear came back abnormal and I had to have colposcopy done, which was not fun. Turns out I had mild and moderate dysplasia, which is what can eventually lead to having pre-cancerous cells if not dealt with. Mild dysplasia is usually normal and tends to go away on its own, however because it was already moderate, which can turn severe (which turns pre-cancerous) my doctor wanted to get it removed. Dyspasia is caused by HPV (which can cause either genital warts or cervical cancer, pending on which strand you get), which really confused because I used a condom everytime and DH had been STD tested when we first started dating. My doctor said that because there is still exposed skin that the condom doesn't cover, you can still get HPV and that HPV is considered a virus, not an STD so you can't STD test for it in men unless it appears as the warts kind. He also said it can live in your body for up to 2 years before going away. DH and I had only been together for about 20 months, so I could have gotten it from either of my 2 partners, as I broke up with my ex and started dating DH soon after. So I had to have surgery down there to get it removed and it wasn't fun.

It was a sucky way to start a marriage - no sex for a month after the colposcopy, and then no sex for 2 months after the surgery. I believe that if I had waited, I wouldn't have gotten HPV and we wouldn't have had to go through the hardship of the surgery - the no sex for so long as well as the financial burden it put on us.

So there's my story.

Now as to the questions... it's funny posted this - just last week I had been messaging my 15 year old cousin, who based off a survey she posted online, it would appear she was sexually active already. I didn't want to lecture her about waiting and abstinence, as I knew that would only turn her off, but I wanted to let her know my story and just let her know I was looking out for her and just concerned and I wanted to make sure she was informed.


1.) What will you tell your kids about premarital sex?


I'd be completely open with them. I'd stress that abstinence til marriage is really the best option and what it says about sex in the Bible, but that we understand no one is perfect and probably share our stories and how we both wished we would have waited. I'd also explain to them that if they feel they're mature enough and ready enough to have sex then they better be prepared to deal with any consequences - being pregnant, having a child, being ready to raise it (we feel abortion is not an option unless it's in the cases of rape or the life of the mother is at risk, although adoption is definitely an option!), as well as any mental issues that might come with it. I'd stress that if they are going to be sexually active, to talk with us about it, so we can get them to the gyno and make sure they are being smart and safe, and also stress that sex is something special you share between you and your partner, as it connects you in a way that you're not connected with anyone else, and because it is something so special you don't want to be giving it away left and right. I also liked the analogy that everytime you sleep with someone that's not a virgin, you're also sleeping with everyone they've ever slept with and everyone their partner(s) has ever slept with and so on. And again point out that really it is best to wait.

I never got a sex talk with my parents, so I'd want to make sure my kids are very well informed.


2.) And what would you do if you found out your child was having sex at an early age behind your back?


Have the sex talk in #1 with them immediately and stress the possible consequences. Teens seem to think "oh that'll never happen to me" but it can - DH's mom wasn't thinking she'd get pregnant when she got involved with DH's bio-dad, but she did, and DH's proof of it. I'd stress that if you think you're mature enough to be having sex, then you're mature enough for other responsiblities like having a baby (and for a young kid, point out that they're not even responsible when it comes to chores or keeping their room clean or helping take care of the family pets or even with younger sibilings! that might help them realize that they might not want to take a chance on getting stuck with a baby anytime soon). I'd also take the girls to the gyno and see about getting them the HPV shot so they don't have to go through what I did later in life


3.) What would you do if your child was a virgin, but planned on having
sex soon? In this case, they have decided to come to you for advice on
how to get birth control(or condoms)...but they are not asking for your
PERMISSION, but more so advice??


I'd again, have the talk with them, urge them to wait, but inform them as well regarding protection, all the possible consequences that can come from sex (pregnancy, STDs, HPV, emotional hardship, etc). Let em know I still love em, but that it would break my heart to see them do something that could make their life that much more difficult, and plus if you get pregnant while in high school, there's a lot you'll might have to miss. I'd also offer to take them to the gyno if they want, so they can talk to a doctor as well and see about getting them on the HPV shot also.


4.) What if your child ends up having completely different views on sex
than you do( ie they sleep around and see nothing wrong with it)??


I'd pray for them and ask God to work in their lives, but to keep them safe til they realize the dangers of sleeping around like it's nothing.


5.) Will you give your girls a different set of rules when it comes to sex, or will you treat your boys and girls the same?


Nope, they get the same talk. Just cuz a boy doesn't physically go through pregnancy, doesn't mean he gets out scott free - if he does get a girl pregnant he is going to be responsible for helping her out if she wants, going to the doctor with her if she wants, etc. Once the baby is born, we expect him to be helping out with it as well. They don't have to get married, but I think he should be involved with the child to some extend. If he's going to be having sex, he should also be ready to deal with helping out with a child should he get a girl pregnant.



**Oh and when I mention emotional/mental issues that come from sex, I mean like how a lot say there's that emotional attactment some have to their partners. I've seen a lot of teens get this way, especially with the first person they lost it too. They get real clingy and protective, easily jealous, that kinda thing.

Friends since December 1997, together since December 2006
September 13, 2008 I legally became his and he became mine.

I tend to write long posts - short and simple doesn't exist with me!
That's how I am, take it or leave it.

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Brooke051609 Posts : 723 Registered: 12/31/07
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 5:18 PM Go to message in response to: TheNewMrsJ

Just throwing this out there... did anyone catch OPRAH today?? It was about this very thing! Well, at least how you will approach your children on the topic of sex. There were two 14-15 year olds wanting to have sex. So they and their two mothers were all on the show and a sex therapist was on the panel as well asking them tons of questions. And just giving them all the info they would need to know IF they had sex.

They brought up the fact that many feel that "information gives permission" , which is not the case in the show. She brought up questions that the teens hadn't really thought about. Like what if the condom breaks and you get pregnant. Will you keep the baby? Abortion? Adoption? Basically, kinda freaked the girl out. The part I liked was that their was great open communitcation. The mothers told their children "we really don't want you to have sex at this point, we think you are too young. BUT, if you do have sex, we want you to know how to protect yourselves."

Anyway, if you're able to still see OPRAH today or can catch it online, it was a really great show.

Daisypath

                                    "Come What May...."

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 5:47 PM Go to message in response to: Brooke051609

I don't watch Oprah but that is a good approach for parents to have. I believe kids will have sex if they want to have sex so it is better to have them prepared and protected. The worse thing a parent can do it pretend that their kid will not have sex if they don't talk about it. All that will do is have them go out there and listen to the wrong information and get themselves in trouble.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 7:12 PM Go to message in response to: BlushingBridezi...

I wasn't a virgin when I got married, but I can give you the point of view of a child of someone who was as staunchily anti-premarital sex as you seem to be. My mom is a strict Catholic and VERY against premarital sex. When I started dating my first serious boyfriend, my mom freaked out, thinking that I'd have sex with him if she didn't do something to stop it. She forbid me from seeing him - which, of course, led to me sneaking around to see him, anyway. It also led to a terrible relationship with BOTH my parents that took ten years to correct. And guess what? Though I had no intention of having sex yet BEFORE my mom's intervention, I was pretty devastated when she turned against me...and who did I turn to? Yep, my boyfriend. So I can truthfully say that my mom's obsessive anti-premarital sex monitoring directly led to me having sex. If my mom hadn't made a big deal about it, the relationship likely would have fizzled out in a few months and I never would have had sex with him. Instead, I stayed with my boyfriend for 3 years - and had sex with him - BECAUSE of the way my mother treated me. So don't do what she did.

While I respect differing opinions on this matter, I can't help but shudder when I read comments like 'I'll keep my kids from having sex before marriage.' You can't - not if they want to. The best way to keep your kids from having sex is to teach them the same values that you were taught. Whether or not they choose to follow or believe them is their own business. You can't force it. My mom learned that the hard way - and not just when it comes to this issue. Fortunately, she's changed her parenting tactics, now that my younger siblings are older (my little sis is 12 years younger than me). When my mom forced things on me and my brother (not just this), we rebelled against them. Even now that I'm grown up and no longer disagree for the sake of disagreeing, my mom and I rarely agree on much. We simply can't talk about religion, politics, or quite a few other topics. My brother is the same (though I question whether he's grown out of the disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing phase, even at 24). In contrast, my parents haven't forced anything on my younger siblings. They've taught them what they believe and allowed them to make their own decisions. And guess what? My two younger siblings pretty much agree with my parents on most topics. Take from that what you will, but from my own experience, I've learned that pushing anything, be it morals, religious beliefs, politics, etc, on children or teenagers doesn't have a good result.

When it comes to how to talk to my children about sex, I'm pretty much in agreement with MsD. I also believe that staying a virgin until marriage often results in couples marrying young, and I don't think that's smart. While I would support my children regardless of their decisions, I would strongly urge my children not to get married before age 25 or so, and to complete their educations (including any post-graduate degrees they want to pursue) before getting married. For me, waiting until marriage to have sex is less important than waiting to get married until one is ready - and despite all the conversations I've had here with wonderful young brides, I still don't believe that less than 25 years is enough time to become an adult and meet another adult and responsibly decide to spend your lives together. There are many young brides on this site that I like very much, but I wholeheartedly believe that they'd be better off waiting a few more years to get married. Anyway, I wouldn't want that for my children, nor would I expect them to stay virgins for 30 years or so - so I guess I'm Ok with my kids having sex before marriage.

1.) What will you tell your kids about premarital sex?
I'll tell my kids that sex is wonderful - when it's with someone you love. I don't believe that you have to marry the first person you love - or even that you have to have sex with the first person you love - but I believe that you'll have a better outlook on sex for your entire life if your first time is with someone you love. Since I intend to raise my children religious, I will teach them our religion's teachings on premarital sex, but I will stress that it is their decision whether or not to follow the religion. If they ask my opinion, I will be honest - even though my opinion contradicts the religion that I intend to teach them.

As far as the sex ed part of the question goes, I fully agree with MsD. Despite my mom's anti-premarital sex standing, I received a wonderful sex education (mostly due to the combination of growing up in a liberal state and attending a liberal private school). I want my kids to receive the same information. I couldn't imagine being as ignorant as some of the virgin brides on these boards and planning to have sex. Heck, some of them have never even been to a gynecologist. Heck, some of them don't even know that they SHOULD have been to see a gynecologist! Anyway, while I won't want my kids having sex super-young, they'll receive a comprehensive sex education. They'll get the Gardesil vaccine as soon as they're able to - and if my 16-year old daughter has a boyfriend, she's sure as hell getting a talk about birth control. She doesn't have to tell me her business if she doesn't want to, but she'll know the risks and she'll be able to get on birth control if necessary. (My mom insisted on accompanying me to doctor's visits when I was a teenager, so that I wouldn't get on birth control behind her back).


2.) And what would you do if you found out your child was having sex at an early age behind your back?
I'd have a talk with him/her about the responsibilities of sex. Honestly, I'd want to talk about why he/she thought they needed to keep it a secret from me. I would make sure they've thought of all the possible repurcussions of their actions - including pregnancy, STDs, and emotional implications. In the end, I know there's nothing I can do to stop it - but I'd have a serious talk with my child, particularly if he/she was younger than 16.


3.) What would you do if your child was a virgin, but planned on having
sex soon? In this case, they have decided to come to you for advice on
how to get birth control(or condoms)...but they are not asking for your
PERMISSION, but more so advice??
I'd try to be as honest as possible. I would make sure that he/she had all the information necessary to make an informed decision, and that he/she had thought about it carefully. As far as getting birth control is concerned, I'd get my daughter on some form of hormonal birth control. If it's my son that wants to have sex, I'd urge him to have his girlfriend talk to her parents or visit a Family Planning center to discuss birth control options. As far as condoms go, I'd pound it into my kids' heads that condoms are not sufficient birth control, but should rather be used with another method of birth control. I wouldn't buy condoms for my kids. If they're old enough to have sex, they're old enough to walk into the local CVS and buy a pack of condoms.


4.) What if your child ends up having completely different views on sex
than you do( ie they sleep around and see nothing wrong with it)??
I would probably be a little upset if my children slept around, but there's not much I could do about it except tell them my opinion and hope that they take it to heart.


5.) Will you give your girls a different set of rules when it comes to sex, or will you treat your boys and girls the same?

Rules? No, my kids wouldn't have 'sex rules'. Anybody who has sex has to be responsible. As far as sex ed goes, I'd teach them all the same information. As far as the emotional aspects of sex go, I'd probably talk one-on-one with my daughters and have DH talk one-on-one with our sons.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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BlushingBridezi... Posts : 99 Registered: 7/21/09
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 8:46 PM Go to message in response to: BlushingBridezi...

Interesting comments ladies. I was also wondering how or IF your views would change once your children become 18. At that point, will you end all conversations and or preaching on the matter?

It's tricky because they are technically adults, but they are still young. College is the time when many teens decide to "go wild" so I think I would still be concerned about what my children are up to. I realize that they will likely try to avoid discussing sex with me at that age...lol. I think at that point all you can do it hope you raised them right, and just make sure you are able to talk openly about the issue without making them feel uncomfortable. I would still discourage my children from having sex though, but I wouldn't want to get so pushy that it drives them away and makes them lie to me.

If for some reason they go to a local college and decide to live at home, I will have rules about what goes on in my household though. If they don't like it, then they can move out...lol. I don't think it is right when parents let their kids have sex in the home or have their partners spend the night. It is disrespectful, and tells the kids that you condone what they are doing.

What will you do when your children become adults?

-The Blushing BrideCool

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 9:17 PM Go to message in response to: BlushingBridezi...

Two of my three children are adults, one lives with me one doesn't. They are aware that I will not allow them to have sex in my home but as they are both over 21 what they do with their body is their business. I can't control them and I wouldn't try.

My son is still a child but when the time comes, he will also be allowed to make his own decisions. He will not sleep with a female in my home unless she is married to her just as that rule has applied to his sisters. I can not control what he does when he is not home I can only make sure he is prepared for it.

Unless you keep your kids with you 24/7/365 you can not control what they do. If they want to do it they will find a way to do it.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 8, 2009 12:38 AM Go to message in response to: BlushingBridezi...

Dear TN,

"What will you do when your children become adults?"

One thing that bothers me about this whole discussion is centering only on sex. Sex is part of Life. Treating sex as if it's some special, different, class-by-itself issue is, in my opinion, myopic.

Having said that, I'll give you my own hindsight.

I gave birth to two helpless infants. I looked at my babies' sweet faces and said "I've got eighteen short years to get you from helpless infants to independent adults."

Everything I did as a mother was toward that goal. If I enforced homework rules, it's because education is a foundation for adult independence. When I taught them how to do their laundry, it's because adult independent people do laundry. When I taught them how to drive, it's because adult independent people drive.

Because I became the guardian for a minor niece who would inherit her parents' estates at 18, I felt a great responsibility to teach that poor orphaned child about finances. Since I needed to teach her, I included my own boys in the discussion. My husband and I sketched out a "Finances for Young Adults" type course, enlisted the kids, and we dove in. We prefaced all the lessons reminding them that managing finances is what adult independent people do. It was vitally important for my niece to learn as much as possible, as fast as possible. It was good for the boys to do the same, although they won't inherit their parents' estates for MANY years to some. (God willing.)

Along with schoolwork, laundry, finances, cooking, mending, house cleaning (our standards are low, really low), driving and all the 1 million things a parent teaches a kid in preparation for adult independent life, there's Sex.

It's right up there in the Top Ten, but not the only thing.

"Kid, as you approach 18, you will find that a lot of rights and responsibilites of life change. You can sign a contract, and you can be held to that contract. You can move out of your parents' house, but you will be responsible for rent in whatever abode you choose. You can buy a gun, but you can be tried for murder. You get the rights and you accept the corresponding responsibilities."

Both our sons choose to go to college, so our financial support continued for another four years past high school graduation and 18. But, those years firmly established their paths into adult independent lives. In college, they did all their own laundry, set themselves their own study schedules, changed the oil in their cars and (I'm sure) had responsible sex with over-18 young women. I fulfilled the promise I made to those two helpless newborns. I would, somehow, some way, steer them cajole them bribe them lead them boot them in the rear, but get them to happy, fulfilled adult independent lives.

Sure, 18 is young. But you've got to start somewhere. I did not want to have helpless, sheltered 30-year olds clutching to Mom's apron strings.

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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 8, 2009 4:44 AM Go to message in response to: BlushingBridezi...

With the Oprah episode... that's a good approach and that's kind how I went about it with my cousin.

I told her I didn't want her to think I was getting all lecture-y on her, but I was just concerned by what she had posted I told her I didn't want to tell her what she should do, as I know she's a teenager and going through that stage where no matter what an adult tells you, you're going to do what you want to do regardless, and so I understood that, having been there, but I wanted to make sure she was informed and new all the facts
and I stressed the importance of going to the gyno and even looking into
getting the HPV shot. I also shared with her what I went through. She wrote me back saying that she has already started getting the vaccine although she has not had intercourse yet, but has done other 'stuff'. She said she appreciated my concern and taking the time to talk to her about it. She said that she would be sure to message me if she had any questions or concerns she didn't feel she could talk to her mom about when it came to sex (my aunt is a lot more laidback than my uncle is when it comes to their girls).

As for when my kids are adults...

well like someone said, if they're still living under my roof, I'd want some ground rules - no hanky panky going on in my house and no overnight sleepovers with someone of the opposite sex (unless it was a situation where they had to spend the night, but even then, one sleeps in one room, one sleeps on the couch or a room in another part of the house). There were times with my ex, because he was from a different town, during college breaks when we had to go home for extended periods of time (before we both had apartments near campus), we'd spend several days at ones place. My parents always had him sleep on the couch in our basement, whereas his parents would let us both sleep in his room, as the daybed had a section that pulled out onto the floor... but we never used that - we always slept in the bed and one of us would roll off it onto the mattress when we heard someone coming up the stairs in the hallway. We'd often have sex at his parents house, but never at my parents house. My parents would have killed us if they caught us, his parents... not so much.

Like you said, in college is where kids start to "go wild" and experiment. I know I did. I drank a lot my first 2 years or so and by the time I turned 21, it had died down a bit. And like I said before, I was in college when I first had sex, with my college boyfriend.

I would like to hope I raised my kids well and taught them to be smart. I'd still like to hope they feel they could talk to me about things. I'd also continue to pray for them as well - I know my mom did a lot of that while I was in college!

If they were in a serious relationship and acted mature as well I don't think I'd mind it so much, as I could relate to that. But if they're off at school and turning into the campus bicycle... then I'd have a problem with it and sit em down and talk to them about it, expressing my concern about their safety and health.

Friends since December 1997, together since December 2006
September 13, 2008 I legally became his and he became mine.

I tend to write long posts - short and simple doesn't exist with me!
That's how I am, take it or leave it.

MovieBits - your source for reviews, news and more!
www.moviebits.blogspot.com

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 8, 2009 11:50 AM Go to message in response to: BlushingBridezi...

I was being respectful and leaving this thread alone since I wasn't a virgin. Since other ladies have weighed in, I'll throw in my 2 cents.

1.) What will you tell your kids about premarital sex?
This is how it was explained to me. I remember at about age 10-12 (right about when I was getting prepped for periods and bras), my mom said that it was very important for me to learn how I came into this world. She said because moms and dads are awesome people they want to share love with another person. How they share love with a person is first by sharing love with each other. This of course means sex (not too many overall details, enought for a child to get the idea).

She further explained that of course, God understands how much mom and dad love each other so he gives them a gift, a baby. You should never have sex with anyone you do not love because how will you share love with a child the way it's meant to be shared if there is no mommie or daddy in the child's life? God loves families. How you start a family is to first be married.

If it so happens that you decide to have sex before being married, be smart. That is why God put a brain in your head. There are lots of ways to be safe about sex. You don't use a public restroom without washing your hands. You don't eat meat without first cleaning and cooking it so you treat your body with the same respect.

My mom is awesome. She's always been a mom, but at the same time she is a mentor and one of the closest friends I have. I would never disrespect her. I would never want to hurt her feelings. She has always (to this day at 27 years old) treated me as her smart child. She gives me credit. She asks my opinion. She advises me as a woman, a mom, a Christian, and a friend.

I aspire to do the same thing. Since my mom has never treated me like a dumb kid, I've always felt I could tell her anything. When she found out at 17.5 I was having sex, she asked if I remembered to be safe. I told her we used condoms. (I was already on BC at the age of 17 because I wasn't having normal periods.)


2.) And what would you do if you found out your child was having sex at an early age behind your back?
Like everyone else, you evaluate the situation. AOTB said raise the child you have, not the one you want. Reflecting on that thought (which I love) means there is no perfect answer. I was lucky enough for my first sexual relationship to be with my boyfriend that I had from soph to just the summer after senior year. I didn't bounce from man to man. He was a good boyf, didn't pressure me, etc.

Assuming I had done a good job prepping the child for sex (safety, STDs, choices, 1 partner not hundreds, respect, etc), I would just make sure they were in a healthy relationship. I would constantly monitor the child's behavior. Do they still have self esteem, are the still outgoing, has their clothing changed, any change in eating habits, are they more or less respectful to me?

Anything under 17 IMO is just dumb. 16 is for driving a car and getting to 2nd base, not for having sex.

3.) What would you do if your child was a virgin, but planned on having sex soon? In this case, they have decided to come to you for advice on how to get birth control(or condoms)...but they are not asking for your PERMISSION, but more so advice??
Cut and past ArtBride's answer here. My parents never bought my condoms, nor did they say we could have sex in the house. I never asked, but I wouldn't have done it with them there anyways. That's just weird.

4.) What if your child ends up having completely different views on sex than you do( ie they sleep around and see nothing wrong with it)??
Ah, this is my brother and I to the letter. So far there have been a lot of "I" and not a lot of "we" in my post. Add the question #1, that I would make sure DH and I are on the same page about teaching the child about sex and that we would be 100% unified regarding sex.

My mom and dad had different methods about teaching about sex. My mom of course tried to talk to my brother, but he said that this was a man conversation. My dad gave the basics to him, but at the end of the day said it was most important NOT to get a girl preggo because then you're stuck with her for life. lol I love my dad.

So, whereas I have had 5 partners my brother has probably hooked up with at least 25 girls. In HS, our stats were the same. Both of us had been with 1 person. After HS, my bro became more of a club goer and partier with many bar hookups. He's been married since he was 23 so that was a lot of action from 18-22!

Again, I like AOTB's thought on this. You don't know what your child with be so you just try to roll with the punches when they come. I will always listen to my child and NOT discount what they have to say regardless of my own personal beliefs.

5.) Will you give your girls a different set of rules when it comes to sex, or will you treat your boys and girls the same?

Use your head. Make sure the decision to have sex EACH and EVERY time is a mutual one. Your partner should respect your body, your heart, and your decision to have or to not have sex. The basic guidelines would remain the same for boy vs a girl. Explaining the mechanics of it to a boy would come from DH just as I would explain it to a girl.

6.) What will you do when they become adults?
Again, this is where my brother and I stop in comparison to our sex lives. Being very close to my mom, I to this day will talk to her (within modest reason) about my woman issues. I've asked for her advice on BC. I've told her if I've ever had any sort of weird pain or tenderness from normal sexual activity. I've asked her lots of health related questions. My mom had a medically required hystorectomy (sp?) at a very young age, 41, so I always talk to my mom to see if any of my symptoms match any of her symptoms.

Just because your child becomes 18 or even gets married gives you permission to stop being a parent. I will always be a there as an ear, an observer, and if need be counsel to my child. The only time I would "butt in" is if I saw them in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. No one deserves that.
Happiness is you MIL's face on a milk carton.

wedding ticker 

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 8, 2009 6:02 PM Go to message in response to: TheNewMrsJ

I am so glad you mentioned HPV. Young girls can start getting the vaccine at age 12. They need to get it by age 18. That would be an awesome time to have a discussion with your daughter about sex. My poor niece contracted HPV at age 14 after her first sexual experience. It was very stressful.

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

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FrancieElaine Posts : 654 Registered: 6/26/09
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 8, 2009 6:03 PM Go to message in response to: Brooke051609

I watched The Oprah show yesterday and it prompted me to write my blog about it. The title of the blog is, "Teenage Sex: Is It Your Business?" You can find it at www.justaskfrancie.wordpress.com

Francie Elaine, The Bride Whisperer

www.bride-whisperer.com

http://twitter.com/BrideWhispering

 

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brownegirl Posts : 523 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 8, 2009 6:47 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

Hi Francie, I just read your blog and I am a bit taken aback by the Oprah episode scenario. A 14 and 15 year old who are so sure they are ready for sex?! I am glad that the girl got a reality check because very few couples who start that you make it all the way to marriage.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that it was interesting reading.
That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger. Innocent

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 8, 2009 6:59 PM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

F- The shot only protects against 5 strands. I have been vaccinated for HPV, yet I was still diagnosed with HPV! Imagine that. Thank God my doc explained the differerence between the virus and bacteria. Bacteria triggered my dx.

These are; HPV-16, HPV-18, HPV-31, and HPV-45. These cancer-associated types of HPV's cause growths that usually appear flat and are nearly invisible, as compared with the warts caused by HPV-6 and HPV-11. A scanning electron microscope image of one human papilloma virus. Two types of genital tract HPV in particular, HPV 16 and HPV 18, are known to cause up to 95% of cervical cancers, and new studies show that they may be linked to oral cancer as well.

For the rest of the article, see here: http://www.oralcancerfoundation.org/facts/humanpapillomavirus.htm
Happiness is you MIL's face on a milk carton.

wedding ticker 

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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 9, 2009 4:34 AM Go to message in response to: FrancieElaine

np Francie! I wish someone had told me all about back when I was in college and reading up on info to help me decide whether or not to become sexually active. Might have saved me a lot of money and let me have a not-so rough start to my marriage! I think it's very important for girls (and guys too, as they often don't even know they have it!) to know about HPV and take the necessary precautions to prevent getting it.

I think, being able to share my story with my cousin, really helped her understand that I was speaking to her as someone who was actually concerned because I had already been there and didn't want to see her go through what I did.



Mush,
It's funny you mentioned that you mentioned the oral cancer. When I caught that bitch in my shower, I actually did look it up, just to see if it was possible for her to contract it, being that since I already had it, DH would have had it at some point as well (whether I got it from him or he got it from me). Mean of me I know, but hey, I was pissed and angry at the time and was curious if it was possible! lol...

Friends since December 1997, together since December 2006
September 13, 2008 I legally became his and he became mine.

I tend to write long posts - short and simple doesn't exist with me!
That's how I am, take it or leave it.

MovieBits - your source for reviews, news and more!
www.moviebits.blogspot.com

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