Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?

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BlushingBridezi... Posts : 99 Registered: 7/21/09
Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 6, 2009 6:04 PM

This is for people who ARE virgins, or those who remained virgins until marriage. How will you raise your kids? I'm just curious what other virgins think about the issue. My FH and I have been discussing our take on the issue bc we are both virgins. For me, I would love to teach the importance of abstinence to my children in the future. I don't really see anything positive about premarital sex. On the other hand, I don't want to scare my kids away and make them feel uncomfortable being honest with me. So while I would NEVER condone premarital sex, I would do my best to educate them on the issue and pray that they make the right decision, which is to wait.

If they came to me and told me they wanted to have sex, I would try to talk them out of it ASAP.
I think many teens feel pressure to prove their love by having sex to make their partner happy, but I think if a person TRULY loves you they will wait for you. Most of these puppy love relationships don't last very long, and the girl ends up giving it away to some guy who ends up cheating on her or doing something stupid. And honestly, at that age you can't expect a teen to be fully ready for the emotional consequences that come along with sex. So if my child told me they were ready to have sex with their partner, I would say don't do it. I would tell them that the relationship is not going to last or become too serious because they are both too young. And by having sex that young, you are pretty much setting yourself up for a heartbreak when you and "Jimmy" or "Becky Sue" break up in 6-8 months. I don't want to be a debbie downer, but the truth is those relationships rarely ever last, so it would be stupid to give something so special to a person who is only going to be in your life temporarily.

But if they were dead set on it and basically told me there was nothing I could do to stop them, I would make sure they were educated and prepared. Meaning we would talk about all of the potential health, spiritual, and relationship problems that come with having premarital sex. And if they STILL insisted on it, I would make sure they had birth control or condoms. If there is no way to stop them, then I feel like I need to at least make sure they are being healthy. I think it would be awkward after that though bc I would be disappointed in them for deciding not to wait. I have provided some questions below, please give me your opinions on the subject.

1.) What will you tell your kids about premarital sex?

2.) And what would you do if you found out your child was having sex at an early age behind your back?

3.) What would you do if your child was a virgin, but planned on having sex soon? In this case, they have decided to come to you for advice on how to get birth control(or condoms)...but they are not asking for your PERMISSION, but more so advice??

4.) What if your child ends up having completely different views on sex than you do( ie they sleep around and see nothing wrong with it)??

5.) Will you give your girls a different set of rules when it comes to sex, or will you treat your boys and girls the same?


-The Blushing BrideCool

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SweetSurrender Posts : 130 Registered: 5/14/09
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 6, 2009 6:49 PM Go to message in response to: BlushingBridezi...

Let me preface this by saying that although I am not a virgin, I feel
as though I am able to respond to some of your questions intelligently
and without "bashing" your personal beliefs, etc..
I know you wanted responses from people who waited, but I was raised by a parent who waited, so I'd like to share with you what it's like being on the child's end of things.

My mother was a virgin until her wedding night. She believes that it is
of the utmost importance to "save yourself for marriage" for various
moral and religious reasons that I won't go into detail about. She made
a huge deal about the importance of abstinence while I was growing up.
Needless to say, she raised me with the intention that I would follow
in her footsteps. I did not. When I decided to have sex for the first
time, I wanted to talk to my mother about it, but I was too afraid. All
of her lecturing made me fearful to approach her because I knew she
would go ballistic, so I confided in a close girlfriend instead. That
friend (who had been sexually active for some time) advised me to get
on birth control and talked to me about condoms, etc... so I took her
advice and did the deed. It wasn't until about a year or two after I
became sexually active that I finally got enough courage to talk to my
mother about sex. And boy was I was right; she flipped a lid. She
called me all sorts of names and demanded that I stop taking my bc
pills, and I've never talked about sex with her again.

My point in telling you all this is that your kids (especially once
they become teenagers) will have minds of their own and will probably
do whatever they are inclined to do whether you like it or not. I
commend you for realizing this, and embracing the fact that you may
have to put your beliefs aside for the benefit of their health. If your
child comes to you with questions regarding sex, please don't make them
feel like they can't talk to you about it. You can advise them as you
please about abstinence, etc... but it is also important that they
learn about safe sex practices from you, not another sixteen year old (or whomever).

As it turns out, I lost my virginity to FH. We certainly didn't know
we'd be getting married at the time, though. We were both very young.
Actually, we're both still young ;)

Okay, now that I'm done with my story, I'll answer your questions. lol.

1. I will encourage abstinence, but not in the same way my mother did.
I will let them know that while I would prefer for them to wait, I
certainly can't force them to, as that would be pretty damn
hypocritical of me. I will tell them that if they choose to have
premarital sex, they should use protection.

2. I would talk to them about safe sex (if it's a daughter, I'd take her to an OBGYN, something my mother never did for me).

3. I feel like my answers to 1 & 2 answer this.

4. I'll deal with it, I suppose (I guess I don't really have an answer for this right now).

5. It's important to treat both sexes the same. In my opinion, it's no
"worse" for a girl to have premarital sex than it is for a boy. They'd
both have the same set of rules as described in the first question.

With all that being said, I hope your children don't end up being "rebels" like me. lol.

 

"Love doesn't make the world go 'round.
Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 6, 2009 9:03 PM Go to message in response to: BlushingBridezi...

Dear TN,

For me, it's not theoretical. I am the mother of adult twin sons. I can tell you what I DID do, not what I plan to do.

We made sure both boys knew the facts. They could come to either of us for straighforward, factual info. We got them books to read, and gave other trusted adults in our lives carte blanche to talk to our sons about sex. Sometimes it's easier to go to a "cool uncle" with questions than to Stodgy Old Dad.

We did our best to urge our boys to delay until after 18. At least, by then, they would be past the "puppy love" stage of junior high. Past 18, they would be seeing girls who were also past 18, and of legal age to consent.

I also told my sons my own story. I was the kid born to a teenage romance, then adopted as an infant. I am living proof that things can go wrong. Two very nice people had a lifetime of heartache because of one bad mistake. (I have since met them both.) On the other hand, if not for that one bad mistake, I wouldn't be here!

I don't know if one or both of my children managed to last past 18. (I rather doubt it, in one case.) The chances either are inexperienced now are pretty much zero.

But, now, they are no longer children. They are in their mid-twenties and profess themselves "allergic" to marriage. It's not a question of waiting for marriage. Neither plans to ever get married. They live, as roommates, in a singles-friendly townhome community and enjoy their lives.

It's none of my business what they are doing or not doing. I just hope they are responsible in all aspects of their adult lives. I don't monitor their finances, nor their housekeeping, nor their overnight guests. Not my business.

We also had a teenaged niece come to live with us following her mother's sudden death. (Father had already passed away.) She was barely 16 when her mother died. I approached the subject of sex with her, and she told me she already had that talk with her mother, she knew what she wanted to do, and frankly she did not think that was my place to tell her what to do. Because my niece was so responsible in so many other areas of life, I let the subject drop but assured her I would have a listening ear should she need one.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 6, 2009 9:09 PM Go to message in response to: BlushingBridezi...

Ladies,

"4.) What if your child ends up having completely different views on sex than you do( ie they sleep around and see nothing wrong with it)??"

You might want to brace yourself for your child having completey different views on almost every subject under the sun. That's in the Parent Handbook.

Occasionally, your adult children might actually agree with you on something. Rejoice. That doesn't happen all that often.

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QueenOfThePengu... Posts : 7 Registered: 2/17/09
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 6, 2009 9:50 PM Go to message in response to: BlushingBridezi...

First of all, let me say how happy I am to finally meet another bride-to-be who is a virgin... I don't think I know any girls who even waited until they were adults to give themselves away. I agree with you 100% when you say that premarital sex isn't necessary and if often hazardous, if anything, to a relationship, especially when it involves two young people. I'm a 20-year-old Christian woman and the president of a bible club on my college capmus, so obviously, this viewpoint is incorporated into my beliefs.

I'm waiting until I'm married to have sex because I believe it is a sin and my kids will be taught the same thing. I think the problem with teenagers today is that their parents are telling them not to do it because it is wrong. This could either scare them out of doing it AT ALL (and they can end up having problems with intimacy down the road even when they are married) or, more commonly it seems, they will want to do it to rebel or because in the teenage mindset, parents just tell you that it's bad to take the fun out of your life. Therefore, I think it's important to inform them that God CREATED sex to be shared between a man and his wife. However, I would show them verses from the bible where it specifically says that sex before marriage is a sin and that such an act has consequences and that many relationships take a turn for the worse after they start having sex (and you have obviously noticed this as well).

If I learned that one of my kids (assuming they are under age) were doing it, I would sit him or her down and talk to them about the seriousness of the situation. I would also make sure that they break the relationship with their boyfriend/girlfriend... sounds harsh but the other teen, if he or she stuck around, would just provide more temptation for my kid... and I would try my best to really show them that premarital sex is not a good idea at this time in their young lives and the long-term pains that it can cause them if he or she continues that behavior... and I would also tell them WHY it is so much better to wait until their married.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 12:13 AM Go to message in response to: QueenOfThePengu...

Dear QP,

" I would also make sure that they break the relationship with their boyfriend/girlfriend... "

And you plan on enforcing this... how?

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 1:05 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

AOTB, I was thinking the same thing! In most cases, that would just lead to the teenager seeing their bf/gf behind the parents back. I don't have kids, but from what I've learned, and just how I am with my parents, the more open they are to me talking about things with them, the less chance I would go and rebel, and that was with pretty much anything, rather it be sex, drinking, drugs, partying, etc. Most teenagers/people have a natural instict to rebel, it's a risk you take and you get a high from doing it, whatever it is. When it's not wrong to do it, you don't get that "high" so your not going to be crazy about doing it.

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QueenOfThePengu... Posts : 7 Registered: 2/17/09
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 1:53 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

AOTB - Yeah, I understand what you're saying... I never really thought about all of this before I saw the post on here so it was kind of just what I was thinking at the time. I'm only 20 so I'm not really planning on having kids anywhere in the near future. But I do agree with DJLeo... it is best to be open for talking with your kids about doing it because it will make them less likely to rebel. I would just try to raise them in the same Christian environment and hopefully shape the way that they view sex before it becomes a problem. I admit it's a very difficult topic to really tackle unless you somehow knew what your kid was gonna be like beforehand.

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 7:35 AM Go to message in response to: QueenOfThePengu...

I am not a virgin nor was I a virgin when I married Kenny, not even close. I do have a couple of questions though perhaps one of you ladies can answer them.

1. If a young lady was a virgin and she was raped is she still considered a virgin to you?
Yes she had pre-marital sex but it was not a choice she made.

2. You say God Created Sex what about those people who don't believe in God, What if your
child doesn't believe in God how do you handle that?


I will answer the questions posed above because I want to. I find them interesting.

1.) What will you tell your kids about premarital sex?

I told my girls who are now adults that I would prefer they wait but I am a realist and know that
they may chose to do something else. I let them know I was available to talk to about their
feelings. We had/have a very open relationship so they feel comfortable talking to me about
everything. We discussed sex at a very young age so they were always aware of it. I taught
to stand on their own and not cave to peer pressure of any kind. Not just sex but drinking and
drugs also.

2.) What would you do if you found out your child was having sex at an early age behind your back?

I don't believe their having premarital sex at any age would be going behind my back. I prepared
them the best I could for anything that might come up. I trust them to make the right
decision for them. What was right for me may not be right for them and I don't feel it is good
parenting to try to control your children. You have to trust that you raised them to be the best
person they can be. You give them the best decision making tools and you trust them.

3.) What would you do if your child was a virgin, but planned on having sex soon? In this case, they have decided to come to you for advice on how to get birth control(or condoms)...but they are not asking for your PERMISSION, but more so advice??

I would provide them with the proper protection and allow them to make their own decision. In
the end it is their body and they are going to do what they want to do. I just want them to be
prepared and safe. It is more important to me to have a healthy, happy child than a virgin.

4.) What if your child ends up having completely different views on sex than you do( i.e. they sleep around and see nothing wrong with it)??

Whether I was a virgin when I married or not has no bearing on my feelings about sex. I don't
believe a person should sleep around, I see nothing wrong with a person having premarital
sex if they are in a committed relationship. I have known many people who have had sex
at a young age and remained with the person for years. They have married and raised a family
and stayed together until one of them left the planet. I have also seen people who remained
a virgin until marriage and are now divorced. It is an individual choice, For me there is no
right or wrong.

5.) Will you give your girls a different set of rules when it comes to sex, or will you treat your boys and girls the same?

My son is being taught the same way I taught my girls. We are open and honest with our
children about sex. How we feel about it. We provided education about birth control, STDs
and pregnancy. We will trust that he will also do what is best for him.

People tend to equate virginity to religion and I don't think one has anything to do with the other. People will have sex or won't based on their beliefs about sex. A Christian will just as easily stay virgin as a Non-Christian and a Non-Christian will just as easily have sex as a Christian. In all likelihood it will be based on your up bringing one way or another.

I have a friend who slept around and had five children with four different fathers and has never married. Her daughter just recently married and she was a virgin until her wedding night. If was a choice she made based on her beliefs it had nothing to do with what her mother believed or practiced.





Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P, People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 10:26 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsDJLeo

Dear Mrs Leo,

" the more open they are to me talking about things with them, the less chance I would go and rebel"

There is a huge difference between being "open" with one's children and being "permissive". Many parents don't see the difference. They say "They'll just do what they want, I can't stop them." In my sons' school, it was well known that in certain houses, the parents allowed the kids, plus any visitors, to smoke dope out in the open under the theory that they'd perfer them to smoke dope at home than out somewhere else. My children were not permitted to visit those houses, nor did they much want to. One boy put it so well: "If I know about it, then you know the police know about it so why be stupid and smoke dope where the police will come rolling in at any second."

This is one of the fine balancing acts you are faced with as a parent. It comes up all the time, and not just about sex. There's the huge issue of drug use, alcohol use, cigarette smoking, not to mention attention to one's schoolwork, etc. Since I had boys who wore t-shirts and jeans 24/7/365, I did not have to deal with the things mothers of daughters do: tight, revealing clothes, overdone makeup, Amy Winehouse style hair. By the time my niece came to live with us, her personal style was pretty much established. Expensive Preppy. But, then, she had a job to pay for it.

We had expectations of our minor children. No dope, no smoking, no alcohol, no sex. We urged them to focus on schoolwork and to graduate from high school with the best education possible, then, post-18, they could make their own decisions.

The only thing I can say was an unqualified success was in the area of dope and smoking. Both children detest cigarettes and don't go anywhere near illegal drugs.

Getting back to the Open vs Permissive subject. My kids could tell us anything. We had an open door. However, from toddlerhood, we had a discipline style that allowed the kid to participate in any punishment. Do wrong, yes, you will be punished. But we will discuss the infraction with you and decide, with you, what punishment will be most effective in deterring that behavior in the future.

Furthermore, since it was likely that Brother was either an observer or participant in the issue, Brother would be asked for his contribution on effective punishment. Believe me, the punishments one brother had for the other were more draconian than what we might have done on our own.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 10:40 AM Go to message in response to: BlushingBridezi...

Ladies,

I'll add one more thought. When you eventually have children, take a piece of paper, write this phrase on it, then tape it to your bathroom mirror:

Parent the child you have, not the child you want.

I've seen a couple of messages that say "I'll make my child understand that pre-marital sex is wrong and to to wait until marriage."

That assumes you have a kid who want to get married at a relatively early age and who agrees with your view of pre-marital sex. That's the child you want.

The child you have, however, will say,

"Mom, I don't want to ever get married and I don't want to live a celibate life."

"Mom, sorry, but I am already having mind-blowing sex with whoever and have no intention of stopping. Last Saturday, we did it six times. Awesome."

"Mom, I'm gay and cannot ever get married, unless the law changes."

"Mom, ewww, you mean go the rest of my life with sex with only one person? Ewww."

and finally:

"Mom, butt out. It's my life, my body, my business."

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 10:56 AM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

I was not a virgin when I got married; nor was he. But because I think the questions are worth thinking about regardless of your personal beliefs on sex, I'm gonna go ahead and answer them.

1.) What will you tell your kids about premarital sex?

The other day, I was thinking about a similar topic, and I was wondering if it would be smart to write a letter now, before I even have kids, telling them everything I want them to know about sex. Just wondered if it would make it easier, because once they were in front of me, all I'd want to do is say Don't do it!! even though I firmly believe that children have to make their own choices and take responsibility for them -- it's an essential part of becoming an adult.

Aside from that here are a few benchmarks in any sex talk I'd have with my kids.

1) Sex is an adult act. It is one that only responsible people should engage in.
2) When you engage in sex, especially if you're a girl, you don't just put yourself at risk physically. You do so emotionally as well. There are few things worse than feeling like you've been used, like someone does not appreciate you or care about you after you've had sex with them. So it really is best to feel confident in your feelings for him, and his feelings for you.
3) To my son: Do not leave birth control up to her. Also know that should condoms fail, it will be completely and totally her decision how to handle a pregnancy. This means that you could be financially responsible for a child for the rest of your life. So you'd better make sure you trust her and you're doing everything you can to protect yourself.
4) To my daughter: No matter what anyone says, the responsiblity for taking care of a child will be yours, and yours alone. Do not leave the responsiblity of birth control to anyone else.

As for premarital sex specifically. . .look, to me, if you are against premarital sex personally, you pretty much guarantee that you're going to get married early. I personally don't want my children to marry before the age of 25 (or 30, even). I'd want them to be done with all schooling, including post-graduate. So I'd tell them that premarital sex is perfectly fine, but I would prefer them to wait until they are of adult age to do such an adult act.

2.) What would you do if you found out your child was having sex at an early age behind your back?

Anything before 16 would freak me out-- and if my children were having sex at 14, then we'd have to have a serious discussion about health and why they are choosing to do this so young. But I could only talk to them. Trying to forbid them to do anything is a guarantee that things would end up worse.

3.) What would you do if your child was a virgin, but planned on having sex soon? In this case, they have decided to come to you for advice on how to get birth control(or condoms)...but they are not asking for your PERMISSION, but more so advice??

When my father found out I was having sex at 19 -- he found out because he asked me straight out -- his very next response was "What kind of protection are you using?" At the time, condoms, but I was not on the pill. He arranged to get me in a doctor's office and get a prescription for birth control.

I love my dad so much for being so level-headed about it. It was all, look, you need to get on the pill, so let's get you on the pill. I'd do something similar. I will also have my kids vaccinated against the HPV virus as soon as they are old enough.

4.) What if your child ends up having completely different views on sex than you do( i.e. they sleep around and see nothing wrong with it)??

Well, if they sleep around and see nothing wrong with it, there's nothing I can do except be clear about how I feel about their putting their health at risk, and helping them out. My concern would be health-related (physical and emotional), rather than morals-related.

For me, completely different views would mean that they were against pre-marital sex. At which point I'd be baffled. I mean, what's next, becomming a member of the RNC? Trying to ban evolution from their high school? I'd start thinking. . .whose child are you?

5.) Will you give your girls a different set of rules when it comes to sex, or will you treat your boys and girls the same?

Same rules, in the sense that they'd have the same curfew, etc. But sex is different for boys and girls. Basic health concerns are the same, and I'd stress how important it is not to knock a girl up at the same time I'd express to my daughter not to get knocked up, but at the end of the day, sex takes a different toll on a girl's self-esteem than it does for a boy. A guy doesn't run into the same emotional risks that a girl does. So I'd try to address my daughter differently, because I really do believe that it's more risky for her.


__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 11:26 AM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

That's an interesting view about the differences in how you would teach your children not in what you would teach them.

I taught the girls both sides and we are teaching our son both sides also. I do think girls look at sex differently than boys, I just never thought of teaching to a girl/boy instead of teaching both sides of the issue.

Aunt you are so right, you most assuredly have to raise the child you have, and not the one of your dreams. My dream daughter was a young lady who was respectful and ladylike at all times. She would enjoy reading, tea parties, playing with dolls and listening to the oldies, going to musuems, plays and the circus. She would have taken ballet lessons and been a Doctor or CEO of a Fortune 500 company.

Instead I have two daughters who are so completly different from me, each other and my dream child. I have is a clothes horse who hates to read or anything else I enjoy aside from the circus. The other is a jeans and t-shirt girl who enjoys reading and other areas of the arts. She doesn't like to be around people or speaking in public.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 11:27 AM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

MsD., I want to print your post and save it for when I need to have that talk with my kids down the line. Well said.

preview image

 

 

 

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Virgins/PPL who Waited for Marriage, How Will You Raise Your Kids?
Posted: Aug 7, 2009 11:48 AM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

Dear Ms D,

" I'd start thinking. . .whose child are you? "

LOL! That happens a lot. You look at the kid and think "Was there a mix-up at the hospital? Did he come from Mars?".

I remember thinking that when I saw one of my kids walk out of the house wearing different colored socks. He simply did not care one iota what socks were on his feet. I remember that moment just like it was yesterday.

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