Tired of fighting (very long)

Online Users: 1,344 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 20


younglove922 Posts : 33 Registered: 2/4/09
Tired of fighting (very long)
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 2:26 AM

So let me begin by explaining our situation. My FH and I are currently in a long distance relationship (about 600 miles away). Up until we had to separate in May we saw each other pretty much everyday. We recently finally got to visit again a last week. That was the longest we had ever been part. I think it's really taking a toll on our relationship. Before he came out here we were fighting a lot. I told him we had to be strong and make it through this hard beginning. It's very hard on both of us but I feel like I am trying harder to live my life without him here. We text and talk a lot but we can't put our lives on hold because we're away from each other. Part of this is also because I have a lot of friends here and am spending time with them and he does not. He's a great guy and I try to encourage him to make friends, but the ones he used to be close to have mostly screwed him over and don't talk to him much now. Anyway, we did fight a few times while he was here and had a couple really big discussions on what we could do to better our relationship and fight less. I really thought we were making progress but he's only been gone for a week and we're already having big fights.
He has a friend that he's been hanging out with lot recently (about 3-4 times a week) I think that's great and I'm trying to be supportive but honestly I'm jealous of her. I trust him, but I don't know her. I'm trying my best not to be jealous but I feel so insecure. Although I consider myself and others have told me I'm very mature for my age, I'm still 19 and I guess maybe some of the insecurities come with age and/or the fact that I have been hurt in the past. I did express to him that I was feeling jealous that she gets to spend so much time with him while I'm not there. But I also told him that I like that he is spending time with someone and told him that I will just have to get over my insecurities on my own.
Earlier today we were texting and everything was great. But then he asked if I was still going to be able to come out there. We re trying to visit every month alternating who travels. I just got a new job and begin on monday. I don't know if I'll be able to take off the dates I was planning on coming out now. That's really irresponsible to ask for time off immediately after starting. I am going to discuss with my boss what is possible. I told FH that I am going to try my hardest to get out there but money is tight and the dates may not be perfect. He immediately accused me of not wanting to come see him and then proceeded to ask if there was someone else.He said "if you don't come out here I don't know if we can be together." Then he accused me of "obviously" having feelings for someone else. After receiving this text I called him, 6 times before he decided he would pick up and answer with "what?"After a long discussion I tried to propose ways we could improve on fighting less. He texted later and apologized. I love him, I really do but I find him doing this a lot.
Later I was with my best friends, we were just hanging out at her house and I get text from him. He said he was horny. I explained that I was out with her and I was sorry. He said "you're always too busy for anything sexual" then "know what do what you want screw my needs I don't matter" I told him I would text when I got home and see if he still was horny. So I got home and texted him. So we do this really long, in depth, dirty texting session, in which we both got ourselves off. He tells me he got off and asked to go again. I told him I was really tired and maybe tomorrow we would. he then says sorry bye. I tell him i'm really tired and he says fine "can you firm up when you are coming out here please?" I said I will talk to my boss on monday, ok? He says I guess and then wouldn't tell me good night.

I'm so tired of this stuff. It is emotionally and mentally draining. He is bipolar and his doctor said they need to up his medicine but you can't blame all his behavior on that. I'm starting to wonder if this is what our life is always going to be like. I can't live like this. I love him so much and I know he loves me but maybe sometimes love isn't enough.
Any suggestions on how to deal with this or make it better? I'm finding it harder to push on with this.

Reply


CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Tired of fighting (very long)
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 7:54 AM Go to message in response to: younglove922

Before really giving you much help, I do need to ask:

What is the cause of the long distance relationship? Is it permanent (meaning, he moved there) or is it a temporary thing? You've said you're 19. Were you high school sweethearts and he's now off to college or is this something different? Truthfully? (and I am sure you know this) The dynamics of the high school relationship are much different from the grown up relationship.

I do find it interesting that the only person he's chosen to become close with is a woman. Not the wisest choice for a new guy in town in a long distance relationship.

And to my perspective -- the things you've told us do make him sound very selfish and bratty -- I'm not saying he IS... I'm saying that the items you told us make him sound that way.

Misty

Reply


NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Tired of fighting (very long)
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 9:20 AM Go to message in response to: younglove922

Ok wellllllll, I think you sound WAY more mature than he does. it seems like you are really trying to work things out and TALK things out whereas he is just being accusatory. However, the vibe I got from him asking YOU if there is something else sounds like projecting to me. Like maybe HE has someone else so he is just accusing you of having someone else too.

I dont know if you mentioned, but how long have you been together? Also, I agree w/ Cat, I'd like to know if this is a permanent move or if it's a school thing. Im not sure if that is relevent but I'd like to know.

Honestly, I am not sure how worth it it is to stay in this relationship. You can love someone deeply but that doesnt mean you need to m arry them, or even stay with them.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

Reply


HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Tired of fighting (very long)
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 9:48 AM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

I agree with NJ about the projecting, with him asking if you were seeing somebody else. He may not be doing anything with his new friend--or anybody else--yet, but it sounds like his accusation came out of nowhere, so apparently it's on his mind. It also sounds like everything he's doing may be something like the breakup technique some people use: instead of being the one to do the breaking up, drive your partner crazy until they break up with you so you don't have to deal with the guilt and instead get to be the victim.

Like a PP said (also NJ?), just because you love somebody doesn't mean it's a good idea to marry them or stay with them.

preview image

 

 

 

 

Reply


kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Tired of fighting (very long)
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 10:11 AM Go to message in response to: younglove922

I'm so tired of this stuff. It is emotionally and mentally draining. He is bipolar and his doctor said they need to up his medicine but you can't blame all his behavior on that. I'm starting to wonder if this is what our life is always going to be like.

I would say that , yes, this is what your life is always going to be like. If he is bipolar, that is a large part of why he is behaving this way. The question is what is he doing about it. Is he on medication, or in therapy? Is he actively helping and improving himself and your relationship? If the answer is no, then I personally wouldnt continue in a relationship with someone who isnt working on themselves in a positive way. Living with someone who is bipolar is difficult enough as it is --- but its almost impossible when you are the only one doing the hard work involved.



I can't live like this. I love him so much and I know he loves me but maybe sometimes love isn't enough.

You are EXACTLY right. Sometimes, love is NOT enough. Actually, love is never enough, if you want to be technical. I have no doubt you are in love with this guy. But love doesnt always equal compatibility. You know - having the same life goals, similar values, what you find important, and how you want to generally live your life. Often times, people are in love with each other, and they mistakenly think that is all a marriage takes. Its sooo much more than that. Love is only the beginning. So, I think you are right to question this relationship the way you are doing right now.

You sound more mature than he is, but the truth is, you are both very young. You are going to go through a LOT of changes in your life and within yourselves over the next few years. A long distance relationship is really really difficult at any age, but I think its almost doomed at 19 with someone who is as immature as this guy sounds. And I know what its like to have a long distance relationship. My husband and I met online, and he lived in Florida and me in New Jersey. We had a long distance relationship for FIVE years!! We used instant messenger, phone calls, and visits when we could afford them, to keep the relationship going. It was HARD. Very hard. There were times I got so frustrated because I missed him so much, or so mad because I couldnt afford another trip out there, etc. But through everything, we both respected one another, and we had a PLAN. We knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and that he was slowly saving up enough money to move his life out here to be with me. He did that 4years ago, and we have been married for almost 3 years. So, you CAN get through a long distance relationship, but I wouldnt recommend it, especially when you are so young and still finding yourselves as individuals. I met my husband when I was 30, and Im now 37. If we had a long distance relationship when I was as young as you are now, I highly doubt it would have lasted or gone anywhere. We werent ready.

So ask yourself, do you have a plan? As a couple and apart, do you have a plan for what happens next? How long you stay apart, what happens when you come togther, where you will live, how you fit into each others lives? At age 19, there is a lot to think about. Career, school, future projects... I would personally put all of those things above a relationship, and if you are with the right person and they are strong enough to grasp that your education and future must take priority right now, then you have a chance of getting through it together. This guy doesnt sound very understanding at all. He is moody and flies into assumptions based on nothing. And I wont even get into how I feel about all these important life discussions and feelings taking place by TEXT. I know its a generational thing, but I find it silly and I just dont think texting is a sufficient nor beneficial way of communication , when you are talking about important issues and emotions.

Youve got a lot to think about, but from someone who has been there, It doesnt sound like this relationship is strong enough to get through long distance, and other major life battles down the road. You love him, but is he the man who will get through life with you with all its twists and turns? It doesnt sound like he is to me.

Check out the Wedding Planner Buzz and My Blog @ www.myaislerunner.com  

See our funny Wedding Wed-isode @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OokYNI91ztU&NR=1

Subscribe to my YouTube Channel for standup comedy clips,sketches,and more @ www.youtube.com/kelleyfunnylady

 

Co-Founder and Proud Member of P.O.O.P - People Offended by Offended People.

"Children are just like adults, minus the crushing failure." - Stephen Colbert

  

Reply


ToyToy09 Posts : 224 Registered: 6/3/09
Re: Tired of fighting (very long)
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 10:25 AM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

To the OP, something smells funny on your honey's end... I am speaking from the fact that I, too, am in a long distance relationship with my FH (about 2hrs away) and the LAST thing either of us ever try to do is place INSECURITIES into one another's mind. I do feel that your age(s) have something to do with all of this, but as someone else stated, you seem to trump him in maturity (even though this is only one side of the story).

If you DO get to travel to see him soon, I would discuss whether or not postponing this engagment is an option. I say that because an engagement should be attached to a healthy relationship and your relationship seems to be slipping through the crevices since the 'move' occurred. I know it sounds 'cute' to be engaged, but it is a very serious phase in a relationship that shouldn't be taken lightly...you could spend the rest of your life with a man who plays these kind of games.

Can I ask...why did he move? I respect your privacy if you wish not to share, but that is important to know if this is a long term or short term situation. My only advice is to pay attention to how he's behaving right now...you are seeing another side of him that can help you decide if he needs to be your FH.

Created by Wedding Favors

Reply

Lilmisssouthern... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/12/08
Re: Tired of fighting (very long)
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 10:37 AM Go to message in response to: ToyToy09

OP- I hate to say this so plase DO NOT KILL ME! But from experience... it sounds like your FH could be cheating on you.

Ok so maybe that was harsh but let me explain. I was in a long distance relationship for 6 months. My Bf at the time was visiting his mom in texas and I was in Va. At first we were ok. then we started fighting all the time. He was always telling I didn't make time for him and that I was pushing him away. He moved to asking me if I was seeing someone else. He thought I was for sure cheating on him. When I didn't feed into his arguments he would hang up abruptly.

I found out that he had been seeing his "old friend". I guess they got together once he went down there. He was accusing me of everything ebcause he wanted an easy way out. He had been cheating on me but didn't want to tell me that. So it was easier for him to accuse me of it. He thought well if I make her the guilty one then I will have an easy reason to break up.

My point is that no matter how much effort you put into makign it work, it doesn't mean he is going to let it work out.

I don't know much about the situation with your FH having the girl as his only friend... It would just rub me the wrong way.

As we grow older, as we continue to change with age, there is one thing that will never change about me, I will keep falling in love with you all over again every single day

Executive Recruiter and Quality Control Specialist of E.N.E.M.A A special division of P.O.O.P

http://www.mywedding.com/shannonandbrandon<magicalkingdoms.com Ticker
Free Disney Tickers

Reply


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Tired of fighting (very long)
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 12:16 PM Go to message in response to: younglove922

Dear YL,

I'll make a long story short.

Dump him.

Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? Jealousy and mistrust are relationship-killers and it has nothing to do with the distance between the two of you. If he's jealous and mistrustful now, he will be jealous and mistrustful even if you live under the same roof.

I made the same decision when I was 19. I dumped a guy who was nothing but heartache. I then started with a new boyfriend, who I eventually married. That was 33 years ago, and I am still married to him.

Dumping that guy was one of the smartest things I ever did in my life. I have a happy life with a stable, non-jealous, trusting husband and two beautiful adult children. (Well, as beautiful as 27-year old men can be.)

Sure, I loved my ex-boyfriend. But love was not enough. He was too immature and too flawed to sustain a long relationship. And, from what I have heard through The Grapevine, he is still immature and flawed.

Reply


younglove922 Posts : 33 Registered: 2/4/09
Re: Tired of fighting (very long)
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 2:03 PM Go to message in response to: younglove922

Sorry if I repeat myself, it's much easier to reply to each of you so I don't miss anything.

CatStandish- We are in a long distance relationship because we are both in college. We met at the college he currently attends (not high school sweethearts), but I had to come back to a university in my home state because it was too expensive for me to stay there. I am finishing my undergrad and now he is getting his masters. We are planning on getting married after I graduate and then will be moving to wherever he decides to get his PhD at. He is not in a new town and neither am I at this point. We are both where we grew up. I'm still friends with quite a few people from high school, since I graduated just recently, but he is 22 and doesn't talk to many people he's gone to school with. In regards to the brattyness, ---and don't take this the wrong way if you are an only child--- he is an only child and displays the stereotypical behavior of such. He is very used to getting what he wants all the time and I'm not the kind of girl who will just roll over and say 'Yes, dear.' So yes he can come off sounding selfish frequently.

NJ- I wrote this post pretty late (couldn't sleep) and it was long so I might have accdently skipped some things. His main concern of me having someone else was my friend Alex. He is 2 years older than me and I knew him in high school. When we went to school together we talked a lot, there's only tiny bit of romantic history. We hadn't been talking a lot recently but he called and it was nice to be back in touch with an old friend. While FH was here he called and me being dumb answered it, it was about 11 at night and I was just going to explain that FH and I were out. FH brought this up and is now under the impression that "random guys call me at all hours of the night" Which is not even remotely true. There is nothing going on between me and Alex, nor will there ever be and I tried explaining this to FH. So yesterday when he accused me of having someone else he lso said "it's that Alex guy isn't it?"
We have been together almost a year, got engaged around 6 months.

HappyGirl- I do agree about the breakup technique because he's pulled this kinda thing before. I would never take advantage of this, I do love him, but it is basically like I could do pretty much anything and he wouldn't dump me. So occasionally it seems like he tries to get me to dump him if we have a fight.

Kelley- He is on medication, they re apparently upping his pills from 3 to 4 per day. He was seeing a therapist but he stopped because he didn't like it. I could understand that. I saw someone back in high school and I couldn't tell them anything, but I did have a couple other adults in my life that I could talk to aout most everything.
I brought this up to him yesterdy about why we want to get married. We have discussed what we both want for our lives. He wants to teach college and evetually I want to open a business (which will partly have college students as a target audience) So wherever we end up living will most likely accomodate both our careers. There is one big thing that we don't know what to do about. ( So far those of you who have posted I think are good users on this board who do not appreciate when those crazies get on here and it's god this and god that. I hope we can keep this post free of that) His family is Jewish. My parents are Christian. I am not attached to either of these in the slightest way in my head and heart. Regardless holiday time will be weird to explain why one set of grandparents do one thing and the other does something else. Also FH is worried our children will tell his parents that he does not keep Kosher. Which is a converstion that he has expressed to me that he never wants to have ever. They do know I'm not Jewish and while I looked into the conversion process, decided it was not for me. FH does wnt to raise the kids Jewish, but it's very hard for me because I can't instill ideas into their heads that I don't believe in the slightest. It's a very difficult situation.
I'm not going to comment on every little thing you said as there is a lot. It is very insightful and I appreciate it. In regards to talking seriously in text I am in total agreement. I hate fighting with him via text. He did tell me that he hates talking on the phone. I communicate much better aloud.

ToyToy- I completely understand where you're coming from. Also I hope you or anyone following this is reading all above comments too. He didn't actually move away from me, I guess I moved away from him. We are both in plaaces where we grew up and close to our families.

DrmComeTru- Don't worry. I feel if I let my feelings get hurt in this post or get super defensive about any little things, I'm not keeping my mind open and may miss some good advice or insight. So I'm trying to be good about it. In all honesty I think he would tell me if he cheated because he would feel so guilty but I could be wrong. When he arrived home (his home) from being here and he told his new friend that we are great she sent him a text. It said (he forwarded it to me): "That's great to hear. Really it is. It's great to know that you are genuinely happy" To me this was a bit excessive. It sounded like she wasn't trying to convince him tht she was happy for us but that she was trying to convince herself. I could be wrong, but I told FH that's how I felt but assured him that I thought it was fine if they hung out. After they went out that night, he called me and said I was right that he was filling a void with her. My heart sank and I honestly expected him to tell me something happened. But he just described it as being a weird tension like how it was before he and I kissed for the first time. He said she also hugss him goodnight everytime. To be quite honest i'm not comfortable with them spending a ton of time together. I told him that I would prefer they hang out in a group or if alone not at her house. I explained that I'm doing the same thing with any guys I spend time with just in case they have motives I don't know about. He told me it was a lot to ask of him.

Aunt- It hurts to recognize this but I think you're right. After all these posts and right now he is texting me. Within about 10 texts we're already arguing. So now I really need help. How am I supposed to break this off?

I felt like this back in March a few weeks after we got engaged and I broke up with him while we were on Spring break here. He said he was going to commit suicide (and he's attempted before) and we had to call the police and send him on a flight back early. Should I tell his parents first (he's living with them right now) or what? I need a good plan before I just step into this.

Reply


myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Tired of fighting (very long)
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 2:05 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Aunt is exactly right--dump him. He does not sound like a good marriage prospect and, believe me, men do NOT improve once you marry them. Just assume that this is the best it's ever going to be, and go from there.

And, let me say it, you're nineteen. What do you need this for anyway? Live a little, work, get an education, see the world, run around, flirt, date many people. Then and only then will you know who and what is right for you.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

Reply


kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Tired of fighting (very long)
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 2:28 PM Go to message in response to: myra

.... felt like this back in March a few weeks after we got engaged and I broke up with him while we were on Spring break here. He said he was going to commit suicide (and he's attempted before) and we had to call the police and send him on a flight back early. Should I tell his parents first (he's living with them right now) or what? I need a good plan before I just step into this.

Okay. Im going to say something and I hope it doesnt come off as cruel or coldhearted because its not meant to be. Its meant as the truth. Most people who threaten to commit suicide over and over are A. looking for attention B. using suicide as a way to keep you with them and C. wont ever really commit suicide. Do you see that him saying that to you --- Im giong to kill myself if you leave me etc etc ---is a surefire way to take adventage of your goodhearted nature and keep you in this relationship? Because that is exactly what it is. And what you have to realize is that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE for anyone elses life. If he does commit suicide (but Id bet millions that he wont) - it is NOT on you. It is not because you broke up with him, it is not because you didnt do enough, it is not any of that. It is because he is a person who is not well and not happy within himself. It is because he is bipolar and chemically imbalanced. It has nothing to do with you.

My younger brother (hes 34 now) dated a girl for 5 years when he was your age. Just getting out of high school, transitioning into college, etc etc. She sounds a lot like your BF. She used to write him notes saying she would kill herself if he broke up with her. She was very clingy, jealous, moody and unstable. My brother stayed in a dooomed and unhappy relationship with her for FIVE years too many because of these threats to end her life. He was so afraid she would actually do it, and he didnt have the heart to end things with her. She was taking adventage of his good heart. Thats what this guy is doing to you. Eventually, once my brother got a bit older and started to gain some confidence in himself, he got out of that relationship. He is now married and happy with a sane woman and 6month old son . And his ex -girlfriend , through all the many threats of ending her life, is still here. Probably threatening the same thing with some other poor soul.

So, get it through your head that what HE chooses to do with his life is NOT your responsibility. Next time he texts you or calls you and says he will kill himself, reply back "Im not going to be responsible for how you choose to live your life anymore. Please dont send me any more messages like this. I care about you, but I wont be your reason to live or die. Get some help."

And how do you leave him? You just do it. I dont know your relationship with his parents, so not sure if telling them is something you should do or not. I would say if they are not ware of his suicide threats, maybe they should be made aware so they can get him some help. But making the decision to end a relaitonship that is not working for you any longer is not something you should have to feel guilty about. Sad, yes. Guilty, no. Dont fall into that trap.

Check out the Wedding Planner Buzz and My Blog @ www.myaislerunner.com  

See our funny Wedding Wed-isode @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OokYNI91ztU&NR=1

Subscribe to my YouTube Channel for standup comedy clips,sketches,and more @ www.youtube.com/kelleyfunnylady

 

Co-Founder and Proud Member of P.O.O.P - People Offended by Offended People.

"Children are just like adults, minus the crushing failure." - Stephen Colbert

  

Reply


MrsCP3 Posts : 456 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Tired of fighting (very long)
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 2:56 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

I would like to second what Kelley said. When I was 16 I started dating a guy that sounds a lot like your FH. We dated until I was almost 20. It was semi-long distance (I went away to college, he didn't), and honestly we weren't compatable at all, even though we didn't really know it at the time. He suffered from depression and took meds for a while, but eventually thought he could beat it on his own and stopped taking them, even though everyone told him it was a bad idea. After my freshman year in college, he became very moody and jealous, accusing me of cheating even though I never gave him a reason to suspect anything. I still am not sure whether he was cheating on me or just insecure because I was with a bunch of new college guys and he was at home with his parents. Either way, I wanted out, but he threatened suicide so I stayed. I wasted almost 4 years with him, because I was afraid he'd hurt himself. Finally, I ended it. I've heard through the grapevine that he's still in love with me, 4 years later, but the point is that he didn't go through with hurting himself after we split.

Now I am with my FH, who is my best friend and so compatible with me in all the important ways. When we got engaged, I thought about my ex-bf because for the longest time I thought I was going to be stuck marrying him (he wanted to get engaged right out of HS, I said no, but I honestly thought I'd never be able to leave him because of his depression. Sad, I know.) Anyway, it's so weird to think of what my life would've been like if I hadn't grown a pair and broken up with him. I would've missed out on being with FH, and most importantly, I would've been miserable being with him.

The point is, you don't need to worry about anyone but yourself. The threat of suicide is a horrible reason to stay in a relationship. If you can, talk to his parents first and suggest getting him help, but do what is best for you first and foremost.

 38.jpg picture by JeWareGT

 

 

Reply


NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Tired of fighting (very long)
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 4:48 PM Go to message in response to: younglove922

I have to say every relationship in your teens or early 20s are SOOOO dramatic. B/c when we're that age, everything seems to be a big deal. Thats one thing I noticed as I am getting older. Things that wouild set me off 10 yrs ago, just roll of my back these days. And Im sure they will roll off even easier as I keep aging!

I think you need to cut him loose. It doesnt seem like you'd ever have to see him again. You don't need this at this time in your life. You could lose years with this guy and I would hate to have you look back on it and regret not dating others, or just living a sane life!

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

Reply


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Tired of fighting (very long)
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 5:56 PM Go to message in response to: younglove922

Dear YL,

You have so many issues going on. I'll address the high points.

I am not Jewish (so I invite correction from someone who is), but as far as I know he WILL have a discussion about not living a Jewish life if he marries you. It is against Jewish Law for a Jew to marry a non-Jew.

And, yes, I know that happens a lot. Strictly speaking it is against Jewish Law, and if his parents are very observant they will also see it as against Jewish Law. Furthermore, since you are not Jewish, your children will not be Jewish, unless they convert at some point in the future. In other words, there is no way your children can be raised as Jews because they ARE NOT JEWS. Jewishness is inherited, 100%, from the mother.

So, he will have the discussion about living a non-kosher life if he marries you. Period. His very marriage to you will be non-kosher, and as a non-Jew you cannot be expected to maintain a kosher household.

So, that's a non-starter.

Next, and far more serious, are the suicide threats. I am of the opinion that suicide threats should be taken seriously. Every time.

This does not mean you have to agree to the issue in contention. You do not have to agree to marry the guy just to prevent his suicide. You don't have to martyr your life because he threatens to end his own if you don't do exactly as he asks.

You are nineteen years old. You are not trained in suicide counseling, and even if you were, you would not be counseling someone with whom you have a personal relationship. It is not up to you to prevent the suicide by agreeing to go along with him. (Myra, can you back me on this?)

What I strongly suggest your role is to prevent the suicide by alerting people who are in a position to intervene. Namely, his parents. Call his parents on the phone, and tell them what you know. It only takes a simply statement like this:

"Hi, this is Marge. As you know, Homer and I have been seeing each other, and lately I have become concerned. He has voiced suicide threats to me. I take them seriously, very seriously, and that is why I am calling you. I am not in a position to intervene, and you are. I am giving serious thought to breaking up with him, which might precipatate a crisis. I want to give you warning."

You could also call any other close family member with whom you are comfortable, such as a brother or sister. You can call his doctor, should you know who that is. You can call his family's rabbi.

If you don't know exactly who is the family rabbi, make a good guess by calling the synagogue near the place his family lives, and ask to speak to the rabbi. Then, ask that person if The Simpsons are members of that congregation, and if not, does he/she happen to know where they are members.

If you do at least one of these things, call the (1) parents, (2) siblings, (3) family doctor, (4) rabbi, then you can rest assured you did your best, WITHOUT CAVING IN TO HIS DEMANDS.

Get it? You are working to prevent the suicide by alerting people who can intervene without sacrificing your own life to his. Those who intervene can get him positive help to get his life back together.

Next issue: How to break up.

You are not married, you are not living together, you don't have a child together. (At least, that's what it sounds like to me from your message.)

You, simply, phone the guy up and say "We're through." (That's what I did.)

Let him emote, which will be either "You bitch" or "You angel", or some other extreme. (That's what I heard.)

Listen for a while, then say "My decision is final."

Say it again "My decision is final."

Say it every time he calls back, texts you, whatever. "My decision is final".

At that point, you can rest easy in that you have done everything you can. You have alerted people close to him to watch out for the suicide risk. You have told him in a definitive way that he may no longer consider himself your boyfriend.

Then, GO LIVE YOUR LIFE. You have many many many happy years ahead of you!!!

Somewhere there are nice men who will love you the way you are, where you are, and won't throw a tantrum if you sneeze in the direction of another man.

Please believe me. Please. I have been in your shoes when I was nineteen. I am now 55 and looking back all those years, dumping that ex-boyfriend was the best thing I ever did. It totally saved my own sanity.

Reply

JessicaLeeCA Posts : 10 Registered: 7/29/09
Re: Tired of fighting (very long)
Posted: Jul 31, 2009 6:34 PM Go to message in response to: younglove922

I'm sorry to hear that. My FH and I were in a long distance relationship from the beginning of our relationship. We managed to make it work through communication, patience and sheer will. Are you planning to live apart after you are married? Some of my friends who are professors have to live on different coasts for the first 5 years of their mariage. I hope that everything works out for you. Hang in there.

Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine