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Strange reactions about paying for everyone to go????

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SillyGirl Posts : 63 Registered: 11/22/07
Strange reactions about paying for everyone to go????
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 12:42 PM

My FH and I are considering a DW. We priced out a local wedding and it would run us around 20K for what we want.
We
are going to put the money into a DW instead. With most of it going
into paying for all or part of our guests trip. (we're thinking of a
package with airfare included, around $1000 per person.)
We're inviting everyone we care about.We know who we want there, and we'd like to make sure they can come (as much as possible)
I'm
not close to my extended family aunts uncles and the like, and niether
is FH. We want our friends and immediate family to celebrate with us in
a cool way.

My mother was shocked, and wants us to save our money, mindset being if they want to come they can pay for themselves. I told her we want them to be there, so we'll pay for it. She implied they may be insulted. ????

Is this unusual to do, to pay for your guests?

Will people actually be offended by us paying some or all of their trip?

This seems really weird, but its the impression I'm getting from my parents and his is that ppl will be.
Now I'm confused.... :S

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dalesbride Posts : 20 Registered: 7/8/09
Re: Strange reactions about paying for everyone to go????
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 12:55 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

NOPE...some people pay for it on their own and some families "treat" their guests or help out as much as they can.
Where are you looking to go?
Cool

june_2010
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Strange reactions about paying for everyone to go????
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 1:14 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

dear SG,

The "usual" thing is for guests to pay for their own transport to the wedding and their hotels at the wedding site.

If you want to offer to pay, that's nice but totally unnecessary of you.

Where does the insult come in? It comes with the implied assumption that Mr and Ms Guest cannot afford the travel without a subsidy from the couple.

Another situation is that Mr and Ms Guest might want to make their own plans, without coordinating with you. All you care about would be their butts in the pew on W-Day. They may want to extend their stay, travel on to another destination, go see Aunt Maude, whatever. If you pay for their rt ticket, then they might feel obliged to go just to and from the wedding.

Here is my suggestion.

Make your DW plans, then let your small group of guests know the date and time. Whisper a few words that with all the money you are saving with the DW, you might have something left over in the event that "someone" needs help with the plane tickets. Then, wait for "someone" to approach you with one of those "I'd love to come, but Grandma needs an operation and we don't have spare cash" type talks. That's the point where you could offer to pay all or part of the plane ticket. Keep the arrangement secret from the rest of the family, so that person does not look like a charity case at the wedding.

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StaciiSanDiego Posts : 7 Registered: 5/21/09
Re: Strange reactions about paying for everyone to go????
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 2:02 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

I don't think it's common for the bride and groom to pay for guest airfare and hotel. However if you can afford paying, maybe help pay for the room if you'd like. It's not expected, however very much appreciated if you paid even for part of it.

www.Luxe(Budget)Bride.com Smile

southern_california
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His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: Strange reactions about paying for everyone to go????
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 5:47 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

Hi Silly

I am having a DW as well... and we are only paying for the actual wedding (ceremony, reception, food and beverges there). The guests are responsible for their own airfare and hotel room. I'm not sure how most people do this to be honest. We gave the guests that we are inviting plenty of notice beforehand so they are all fine with it.

mexican_caribbean , october_2009
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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Strange reactions about paying for everyone to go????
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 6:13 PM Go to message in response to: His4life

Yes, it is unusual to foot the bill for all your guests for a DW, though a very nice gesture.

That said, I don't understand the mentality of somebody who would be insulted by that, so I don't understand your parents' reaction. But as a guest I would prefer to maintain control over my travel reservations rather than depending on somebody else, especially a busy bride, for my own piece of mind, so I would only have issues in that regard.

So maybe the best way to handle it is per Aunt's suggestion. That way the people who really need it benefit from the offer, and the people who would be insulted by it need not respond.

preview image

 

 

 

 

destination_wedding_etiquette
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SillyGirl Posts : 63 Registered: 11/22/07
Re: Strange reactions about paying for everyone to go????
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 7:24 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

thanks for your advice ladies,

A friend advised me to arrange a trip account where we can deposit the money we want to set aside for our guests with a travel agency so we can pass 'savings' along to our guests. As long as they go thru our agent/agency they get these savings. This way they get an 'amazing deal' and we won't strain anyone financially.

I'm not particular where they stay as long as they are there for the wedding day.

I don't think any of the people would feel any more obliged to come to our DW than if we had an at home function. We all live within 20 min of each other in the same city and see each other often.

We're planning on going to Jamaica or the Dominican in the off season.

thnx 4 your advice Aunt, we will probably set aside some extra to help out anyone that little extra should they need it.

destination_wedding_etiquette
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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 616 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Strange reactions about paying for everyone to go????
Posted: Jul 10, 2009 11:30 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

I think it's awesome if your paying for your guests that you really want to be there. I think if someone is having a destination wedding and there's guests that they really want to be there, if that guest can't afford it then the bride and groom should cover it, because otherwise it's really inconsiderate to just expect people to up and go, even with giving notice in advance. There are other things that hold people back, like taking time off of work, etc. but money can be an issue too.

june_2010 , illinois_chicago
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foreverurs Posts : 31 Registered: 10/1/08
Re: Strange reactions about paying for everyone to go????
Posted: Jul 12, 2009 10:08 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

We are paying for my sister and her fiance and my mom and step dad and no one has given us a hard time. I contacted my travel agent and she said that is not uncommon to help a few guests. We are doing Sandals in Jamaica. Nonstop flights were so cheap that we jumped on flights and just bought all 6 ---and then called a bunch of friends to jump on it too.
If you are looking for a good travel agent-a bunch of girls on here have recommended the agency I am using. VIP Vacations and Jennifer! Good luck! Please post back with your resort choice!!

june_2009
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SillyGirl Posts : 63 Registered: 11/22/07
Re: Strange reactions about paying for everyone to go????
Posted: Jul 13, 2009 5:07 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsDJLeo

I'm not of the mind where If I choose to do a DW I should pay for my guests. No one should have to pay for another persons fare. If I had relatives who were out of town for an at home wedding I'd help if I could, but in no way am I obligated.

The reason we are choosing to contribute to our guests fare is b/c we want to lessen the financial burden of going away. This way everyone can enjoy an inexpensive vacation and our wedding.



june_2010 , illinois_chicago
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Strange reactions about paying for everyone to go????
Posted: Jul 13, 2009 5:39 PM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

Erm...I wouldn't be offended, per say, but I'd be uncomfortable with you paying my full trip, including airfare. I would think it's a nice gesture, but I'd rather pay for myself. I wouldn't use the word 'offended' to explain my feelings, but part of me would be thinking, 'Does she think I can't afford it on my own?'

I guess it depends on your guests. If your friends are poor college students, I think it would be nice to offer to pay for everybody. I'd be psyched if someone offered me a free trip when I was a college student. But now that I'm a grown adult and perfectly capable of paying my own travel expenses, I'd feel awkward to have someone else pay for my trip, even if she did it to be nice.

Plus, (I hate to bring this up, but it's true) by offering to pay for everyone to go, you're really kind of insisting that they come. I know that's not your intention, but think about it. What's the easiest excuse that everyone will accept for declining an invitation to a DW? Can't afford it. Everybody gets that. Now, what if I can't/don't want to take time off to go to your wedding? That makes me the bad guy - because the only reason one would decline a free trip is selfish: not wanting to use vacation time on your wedding, putting my job above your wedding, or simply not wanting to go to wherever you're getting married. If you're not paying, I could decline and you'd tactfully assume that I can't afford to make the trip. If you're paying and I decline, you might get upset with me, thinking, 'Who is she to turn down a free trip!' or 'What do you mean, you can't take a couple days off from work to come to my wedding - I'm paying for everything!' That puts me in an awkward position. Anyway, some people may have reasons over than money for not being able to go, and you put them in an awkward position by offering to pay for the trip.

Maybe you can come up with some sort of compromise? Like providing a pre-paid block of rooms where the guests can choose to stay for free (if they want) - or providing meals that guests can participate in, without insisting that they spend their entire time there together. I might contact an airline or travel agent and see whether you can get a discount if lots of people book the same flights - that way, you can help your guests with the financial burden by providing a discount, without paying for everything outright. While I'd be uncomfortable with you paying for me, I'd appreciate any discounts or group rates that you could negotiate.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

june_2010 , illinois_chicago
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TheCalyx Posts : 9 Registered: 9/3/09
Re: Strange reactions about paying for everyone to go????
Posted: Sep 4, 2009 10:57 AM Go to message in response to: SillyGirl

That's very generous of you, and I don't think it is strange, however you might consider paying only for those who can't afford to come. That way you are not wasting money- and you still have people you care about at your wedding.

Sherry

The Calyx

How to Wear that Wedding Bling:  http://pinkcalyx.wordpress.com/jewelry-how-to-wear-it/

philadelphia , september_2009
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SillyGirl Posts : 63 Registered: 11/22/07
Re: Strange reactions about paying for everyone to go????
Posted: Sep 4, 2009 11:41 AM Go to message in response to: TheCalyx

I've decided what were doing, (at least with regards to paying for people).

We will be helping out my parents and his, my great Aunt & Uncle if they can come. (might not be able to for health reasons) and anybody else who approaches us.

For our 7 other must haves, we are going to purchase their flights once they've confirmed, so we all get to CR at the same time for our tour. Some may pay us back some won't we don't care, really.

We are doing a private guided tour of Costa Rica with our guests. 10 days 3-4 locations.
We will be getting married at one of our middle locations, near a huge water fall in the jungle.

I've proposed this idea and itinerary to our guests and they seem gungho about it. (mostly btwn ages of 24-32, + parents. We are all adventurous and love to travel) Our other invited guests, mostly aunts and uncles will be invited to join us on our tour or to simply meet us at the ceremony location on the date we've picked.

I want the trip to be an awsome adventure where we happen to get married.

philadelphia , september_2009
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