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Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 3, 2009 11:51 AM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

OP - For me it would depend on if ALL spouses, SO's etc were invited or not. If I was the only one singled out - I'd have a real issue with that.

If none were invited, then I'd just say they don't know what they are doing and ignore it.

 

 

 

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Soon2bWellsFargo Posts : 125 Registered: 4/29/09
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 3, 2009 12:02 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I think I would feel a lot like PharToxGirl. If no one was invited I would just ignore it. If I was the only one not invited I would be hurt and a little angry. I would hope Derrick would bring it up to the groom. I wouldn't want him to step down or anything like that but I would expect him to get an explanation. If I then received an invitation I would have something more pressing to do that evening.

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 3, 2009 1:19 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

I hadn't considered what to do if NO SO's were invited. If that were the case, I might say something to DH still but it wouldn't be a huge issue to me if no SO's were invited. I'd just figure it's because the bride and groom are on a really limited budget. And knowing most of my DH's friends' situations, that would be accurate.

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saranic0le Posts : 20 Registered: 12/19/08
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 3, 2009 2:56 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

To set things straight. I am friends with both the groom and the bride. To be honest, I am closer to the bride than the groom even though the groom is my husband's best friend. The rehearsal dinner is being held at the church the night before, so it's not at some fancy restaurant where it would cost $50/person. The space is not limited either. And, I know it doesn't matter too much, but cost shouldn't be an issue seeing how they are 21 and 23 and paying for a $30k wedding. I wouldn't doubt that the minister's wife will be in attendance. My husband called and asked (leaving a voicemail) when the rehearsal was and if i was invited and the groom e-mailed him back (rather than calling back) and just said "no".

I'm just hurt because our invite got sent back to the bride and I asked her to re-mail it over a month ago...and she didn't. I offered her fiance (the best man in our wedding) free housing and food for about 4 days prior to our wedding as well as her, but she chose not to come. And our wedding budget was like $7k. I don't want to start anything major, but this is just ridiculous.

 

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october_1997 , southern_shore_new_jersey , new_york , june_2009
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 3, 2009 3:12 PM Go to message in response to: saranic0le

OK - So you did all those things before with the thought in mind that you would get something similar in return?

because that's what it sounds like to me - and that's annoying.

Yes it's not etiquette - but it's THEIR choice. Poor taste, yes - But I know that I don't do things for my friends assuming they'll owe me in the future.

 

 

 

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 3, 2009 3:37 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Pharm, I don't do things with the expectation of getting something back usually either, BUT if I were the bride and were not inviting my MOH's husband to the RD, I wouldn't respond with just a "no". The fact that we're supposedly friends would've moved me to provide an explanation e.g. "I'm so sorry, but we just don't have the space and BTW, nobody's SO's are being invited." Or whatever the reason. Not just "no."

I don't think spending $30K on a wedding necessarily means you have the budget to invite SO's to the RD, but from the outside this looks like it could be a situation like ArtBride's SIL from hell that spent a bunch of $$ on the wedding & honeymoon but failed to provide comfortable chairs for their guests. Like that.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 3, 2009 4:09 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Happy - I hear what you are saying - it's just the OP's response rubbed me the wrong way. It was like we did all this and only spent this much but they are spending THIS much and whatever.

I get being upset because your supposedly friends, I get being upset about the etiquette but it's now coming off in a different way to me.

Hence my reply.

 

 

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 3, 2009 4:38 PM Go to message in response to: saranic0le

Dear Sara,

It sure looks to me like a deliberate snub.

It's between you and your husband to talk it over and decide what is your course of action.

I'm not bothered by what you say you did at your own wedding. What you did was, basically, common courtesy and generally-accepted etiquette. We treat others how we wish to be treated, after all, and that simple idea is the basis of all etiquette.

These people are not following common courtesy. I would have a serious problem with continuing their friendship.

Your husband may suggest that he go through with being the best man, through the wedding, as he promised, but then distance yourselves from them in the future. That might be an effective compromise.

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Soon2bWellsFargo Posts : 125 Registered: 4/29/09
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 3, 2009 5:07 PM Go to message in response to: saranic0le

it sounds to me like maybe you and the bride are not as close as you think you are. Perhaps she has some issue with you. Whatever the reason she did not invite you to dinner. It is up to your husband to decide how he will continue from here.

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october_1997 , april_2010 , southern_shore_new_jersey , new_york , rhode_island , june_2009
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BoysMissLady Posts : 933 Registered: 1/18/07
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 3, 2009 10:00 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bWellsFargo

The rehearsal dinner is one thing and the wedding is another. My fiance in a wedding this month and while I don't expect to be invited to the RD, I'm sure I will be. This is my FH's friend and one of his groomsmen, I do not know if his then-wife will be invited to our RD bc of budget restrictions.

Now, if it's a wedding, and someone has a SERIOUS SO they should be invited especially if the person is close to the couple. There are some ppl on my guest list that while I love them, we haven't been in contact in a while and I don't even know if they are invovled in a relationship...IF they have a SO I cannot invite them. We are already about 130 ppl too many at this point. One of my FH's friends got married in April and I was not invited to the wedding...one of his other good friends brought his fiance all the way from Norman, OK to Austin, TX and she had to go back to the hotel. TACKY!!! But the whole wedding was tacky anyway. My mom is friend's with the bride's FIRST cousin and she only invited one or two of them...even separating siblings. So I just say they are a bit rude overall. If he weren't my FH friend, they'd be off our guest list all together.


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october_1997 , april_2010 , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2009 , houston , new_york , rhode_island , june_2009
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saranic0le Posts : 20 Registered: 12/19/08
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 4, 2009 11:24 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I didn't do the nice things at my wedding only to get something in return. However, I did treat those in my wedding party how I would want to be treated back. I am just hurt that they wouldn't think to do the same.

Update -- The wife of the pastor is invited, but not other wives....not the best man's wife.

 

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 6, 2009 11:10 PM Go to message in response to: saranic0le

OP, sorry you're dealing with this. And I didn't read your post as anything other than confusion and hurt as to why they are treating you this way, particularly the bride who you think you are friends with. It honestly doesnt sound like she feels the same.

Anyway, I know how my DH would respond, and he would decline the invite and back out of the wedding. He just would. That's him.

So, I hope you all can come to some conclusion that keeps you and your DH happy,. Not really concerned about the friends, as to me, they don't seem to be treating you as friends, particularly since the RD won't cost them more to have you anyway.

I don't know what I'd do if i were you, because honestly I already know how DH feels about this type of stuff and either we would both be invited or he would not go. He already told that to a cousin and stopped going on the annual hunting trip because they made up new rules apparently just to exclude me. I didn't know anything about it, but he found out and told them he is never coming back until they decide to treat his wife like his famiily. So...no hunting.

I honestly would go either way. I have people there I like and I really could care less about his cousin's rudeness. But HE does. So since it is his family, we do what he has decided which is we don't go.

In you case, this is YOUR friend. So ya, I"d be hurt and wondering if we were even still friends OR if I even wanted to be. Sorry, again, that you're dealing with this. It really does suck.

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march_2007 , colorado , new_york , june_2009
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delmarplatinumb... Posts : 33 Registered: 5/29/09
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 8, 2009 2:43 AM Go to message in response to: saranic0le

TBH, it sounds like they arent inviting any SO to the RD so you shouldnt get too offended. Personally for me, my RD is going to be very small and intimate. Just parents and bridal party. And honestly Im not thrilled that I have to invite the SOs to the RD only because I wanted it super small. Honestly if you are that upset about it, talk to your DH and he can excuse himself from the bridal party.

october_1997 , southern_shore_new_jersey , may_2010 , new_york , southern_california , june_2009
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Agape14 Posts : 201 Registered: 12/31/08
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 8, 2009 1:40 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

It's been a question of mine for some time about the SO invite to social gatherings (not just weddings) but I haven't asked since I didn't want to post until I officially got engaged (incidently it was a July 4th fireworks proposal and I'm thrilled =)

So, I'm not sure I agree that it's an Etiquette Felony to invite only one half of a couple to an event, depending on the scale of the gathering and your level of closeness with the couple. If for whatever reason you only have a relationship with one half of a couple, why should you as a rule be compelled to invite their partner? There are definitely "couples events" where both myself and my FH are included, but there are times when it wouldn't even occur to me that my FH should be invited too (or vice versa).

I'm not saying that it should never be done, but I am curious as to why it's looked upon as an Etiquette rule.


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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Not Invited To Rehearsal Dinner
Posted: Jul 8, 2009 1:59 PM Go to message in response to: Agape14

Good question, there are many invites I receive that I wouldn't think twice about accepting for myself and not including my husband or being upset if he wasn't included and vice versa. It just is not something that would occur to me.

The guys are all going to hang out, I wouldn't expect an invite and wouldn't expect kenny to decline. The girls are going out nope Kenny isn't included.

We get a call that says what are you guys doing on Saturday night, we were thinking about having a get together of course that is for the two of us. I get a call, what are you doing Saturday, want to go to the movies, just me and my friend, never would occur to me that the invite was extended to Kenny.

I suppose it's just a matter of me and Kenny having very separate lives and interests so unless an invitation is addressed to the both of us we just don't think the other is included.

 

 

 

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october_1997 , southern_shore_new_jersey , significant_other , etiquette , invitations
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