Should we let him where his own tux?

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FuturamaMama Posts : 6 Registered: 7/25/06
Should we let him where his own tux?
Posted: Jun 21, 2009 1:38 PM

My FH husband's brother has recently asked us to wear his military tux rather than the tux that we've picked out for all the groomsmen. (Which we really love.) Do we let him? We definitely respect that he's in the military, but it doesn't seem fair to have him stand out. He took MONTHS to even commit to being a part of the wedding, and he never return's my FH's calls. (They had a bit of a falling out and my FH invited him to be in the wedding partially as a gesture to try and make a mends.) He still says he may or may not be able to make it to the wedding, but if he can't, he said "We'll just throw my son up there" If he doesn't rent a tux we no longer get the second free tux (we're giving one to our ring bearer and one to my father who's been laid-off for a year now.) So on top of him standing out (when frankly that seems unfair) we need to force someone who wasn't supposed to pay for a tux to pay for it now. It just seems a little frustrating and wonky to us, but I feel like we're too involved to be objective in this situation.
BTW- He didn't wear his military tux to his own wedding or their other brother's wedding, so it seems especially odd that he's asking to do this for our wedding.


Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Should we let him where his own tux?
Posted: Jun 21, 2009 3:16 PM Go to message in response to: FuturamaMama

to me your reasons are all unreasonable for not letting him wear the tux he already has. Tux rentals are expensive and if he already owns something, then why not? Especially if he's not 100% sure if he's going to be able to make it. Who wants to spend $180 (or more!) for a rental you may not use? And the thing about getting the second tux free... I would think it's not his job to pay for the second tux, which he kinda is doing.

I think it was great of your husband to invite him to be apart of the wedding, I think having family be a part of the ceremony is so incredibly important.


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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Should we let him where his own tux?
Posted: Jun 21, 2009 7:06 PM Go to message in response to: FuturamaMama

Dear FM,

Sometimes, you've just gotta pick your battles. Let him wear the military tux if he wants.

Then, don't worry anymore about it.


CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Should we let him where his own tux?
Posted: Jun 21, 2009 7:33 PM Go to message in response to: FuturamaMama

I'm split on this, personally. I mean... he didn't wear it to his own wedding. He didn't wear it to his other brother's wedding. Why does he want to wear it to yours?

Did he not wear it to his because his wife stamped about it and refused, but he wanted to?
Did he not wear it to his other brother's because they stamped about it and refused to let him, but he wanted to?
Is he short on funds and has a nice formal outfit that he could use as an alternative.?
Has he decided that while your FH invited him as part of a healing of the rift, he's going to push the boundaries and see what he can get away with?

I can completely understand your position...he's going to stand out and he is NOT the groom. So I would definitely have your FH ask him why he wants to wear it... and it may be a good reason. So be prepared to evaluate that reason fairly before you make the decision. Perhaps he's wanted to wear it previously and been turned down....if so, be the gracious bride and allow him to wear it. If it is a funds issue, offer to rent the tux for him. If it is a checking the boundaries thing...I would tell him to get his butt to the tux shop and get measured <G>

Now... regarding the cost of the tux.... Afraid I've got little pity there, excepting finances. The brides maid's fork over. The other groomsmen are too.... so why should he not rent the outfit the others are wearing? He is not the groom... why should he wear something different? See, with my bridesmaids, I picked out a dress, asked them to try it on, but told them they did not have to buy it ... they could go buy something else as long as it was black and between knee and tea length.

Again, he may have some valid reason, but you do deserve to know the reason, so your FH has to have a chat with him. Also, if he does not think he can make it...what is the reason for that potential absence (that also has bearing on the tux issue.)? "Throwing his son up there" is not a technical option.

Note: I am a Military BRAT. So I'm not dissing the military angle, but I also feel like the couple deserves to have some information about why someone does not want to follow wedding party dress code.



myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Should we let him where his own tux?
Posted: Jun 21, 2009 8:48 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

I have to agree with Cat on this one--a lot depends on his reason. If he's just being a brat, then I'd ask him to rent the tux. If he has valid financial limitations, and you really want him in, then cover the tux. I wonder what your response would be if he were a woman and a bridesmaid--what if your maids all had matching dresses and one of them decided she'd prefer to wear her own? Or they were all wearing red and she wanted purple? How far would you stretch then? In the case of a bridesmaid, you'd probably say that if she couldn't afford the dress or didn't wish to cooperate with the bride, then she probably should drop out of the wedding party (and not just "stick in" her daughter!!) If she didn't offer to drop out, then the bridemight choose to "invite" her to step down and attend as a guest. Why would the standards be any different for a groomsman? I also don't think that inviting him to be in the wedding party is the best way to heal a rift (as this situation shows). In a case like this, it might just make the rift wider.
myra at


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Should we let him where his own tux?
Posted: Jun 22, 2009 9:45 AM Go to message in response to: FuturamaMama

Sure, let him wear his military tux - particularly since he's not sure if he can come to the wedding. Why on earth should he rent a tux when he already owns one? And why on earth should he rent a tux that he might not even have the opportunity to wear? I'd look at it this way: If he was 100% sure that he could make it, it would make sense to ask him to wear the same tux as the rest of the WP, but since he doesn't know, why waste his money?

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ToyToy09 Posts : 224 Registered: 6/3/09
Re: Should we let him where his own tux?
Posted: Jun 22, 2009 1:36 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Definitely with Myra on this one. We really wouldn't be having this conversation if the issue was a bridesmaid actin' up. If your FH really wants him in the wedding, fit the bill for his tux so he isn't coming out of pocket at all. The whole "I'm in the military" deal is a bit much. Unless he wears his military tux daily, I don't see why he can't just wear the tuxes you picked out. He's prolly lounging in a some jeans and a t-shirt right now, chillin'. I really don't see the point. Has your FH ever thought of making him the Best Man so that he has a reason to stick out?



somedaysoon Posts : 32 Registered: 5/18/09
Re: Should we let him where his own tux?
Posted: Jun 22, 2009 7:35 PM Go to message in response to: ToyToy09

the tux rentals only need to be done a couple months out, correct? if he wasn't positive he could make it at two months out, i'm not sure i'd ask him to be a part of the wedding at all (assuming his reasoning isn't because of deployment). but that's just me. i would have him wear the rented tux unless it really meant something to him and your husband that he represent his military service. it doesn't sound like it does. like others have said, you wouldn't let a bridesmaid wear a different dress, would you?

and if he's just going to stick his son up there in his absence, what is the kid wearing? wouldn't you expect him in a tux? either way, someone's got to commit to renting a tux on possibly short notice.


WinterWonderlan... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/23/08
Re: Should we let him where his own tux?
Posted: Jun 22, 2009 8:37 PM Go to message in response to: somedaysoon

This was a slight problem in the beginning for me as well. My FH is military, and so are SOME of his groomsmen. He kind of wanted to wear his military uniform, but didn't really care much about it. (When you say military tux I assume you are referring to his dress military uniform). My mom wanted VERY badly for me to have a military wedding. This was not what I wanted, at all. I hated the idea of it. I think my FH looks amazing in his uniform. However, his deployment is still a healing wound for me I guess you could say, and when I see him in his uniform, it makes me remember having to watch him get on a plane knowing I wouldn't see him again for months and that there was a chance that something could happen and him not be back. That isn't what I want to be thinking about during my wedding.

Another problem for us in that department was that not ALL of FH's groomsmen are military. 3 out of the 5 are, and I thought it would look funny to have 6 men standing up there, with 4 in uniform, and the other 2 in regular tuxes. I didn't want the other 2 groomsmen to feel inferior or like they didn't stand out. Because lets face it, in today's time, you get a lot of attention in a military uniform, its just the way things are. All of his groomsmen have been there for him and they all deserve that recognition and attention on that day, and I didn't want them to feel any less.

So for us, this just wasn't an option. I think you should follow the pp's advice and find out exactly why he wants to wear this uniform. If it is financial trouble, maybe you could help him out and pay for his tux. If you are offering to pay for his tux, for is NO reason for him to turn that down. He has plenty of opportunities to wear his dress uniform, your wedding doesn't have to be one. Also, if he doesn't even know if he's going to be there, what will his son wear? Unless he has the possibility of deployment, I don't really understand why you would have someone in the wedding party if you aren't sure if they can be there.


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