All sorts of issues

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BBride1398 Posts : 1 Registered: 5/21/09
All sorts of issues
Posted: May 21, 2009 5:21 PM

Hi, I have a few issues that I am having with my current boyfriend of 3 years.

A little background: Me and my boyfriend have been in a relationship for 3 years and are very much in love and have talked about the future almost everytime we have a conversation (Marriage, Buying a House, Kids someday down the line ect..) We both know we want to marry each other. This may we both graduated from College and both have decent paying jobs..ect ect

Issue 1: We talk about marriage alot and most of the time it is initated by HIM. So its not like i'm forcing it on him by any means. I always tell him i will wait however how long (not really..lol) until we are ready. So lately he has been telling me to pick out rings because he wants to spend his life with me, so on and so forth. So for the past month we CLEARLY have been looking at engagement rings and i found one that was beautiful and affordabale and he said he was going to buy it but surprise me with it sometime in the near future. So here i go thinking this is an engagement ring because he hasnt said otherwise. But then again he was keeping things a secret cause he wanted to surprise me. So me being the nosey and impatient person I am decided to get some information from him about the ring and after a few minute conversation he told me it was a PROMISE RING. I am so disappointed because i want to marry him. I dont want a freakin promise ring. I dont know how to feel about this.

Issue 2: Due to living in dorms in college we had no need to have our own places, so now that we are out of college we both moved back with our parents until we find a place. Now ME, i want us to find a place together because we are pretty much together 24/7 and sleep over each other's dorm rooms everynight. And when we are at home he sleeps over my house. Which makes me feel like i am in highschool again because we have to SNEAK around. I asked him about moving in together and he said he just wants to live by himself first to see how it is and because he always wanted his OWN place. And he was like, well you'll already be over all the time anyways. Now i was not happy with that answer so we had many different conversations and now he's talking about how he was brought up not to live with someone before marriage. And i pointed out the fact that he has sex with me before marriage and everything else under the sun so i dont understand where this religious stuff came from. I mean if that is really how he was brought up then i cant do anything but wait. But i feel like he is just using it as an excuse.

I'm so frustrated.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: All sorts of issues
Posted: May 21, 2009 6:45 PM Go to message in response to: BBride1398

"I dont want a freakin promise ring. I dont know how to feel about this. . . . I mean if that is really how he was brought up then i cant do anything but wait. But i feel like he is just using it as an excuse."

It seems to me that you arfe denying your own feelings and insights. YOU are ready for the next big step. HE is not. If you've been together for three years, and you've just graduated from college, I assume that you started dating when both of you were still teenagers. It happens all the time (God knows, I was in that situation with my first husband!), but still, it's very young (especially for a guy) to be making a lifetime commitment. If you're really in love and wish to wait for him to be ready, fine, do so. But give yourself a mental deadline (no need for an ultimatum-j-ust know this inside of yourself) as to when enough is enough. And, be prepared to move on if this situation goes on and on and he never seems to be 'ready."
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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adrigirl01 Posts : 287 Registered: 10/2/08
Re: All sorts of issues
Posted: May 22, 2009 4:10 AM Go to message in response to: BBride1398

I can see why your upset. He wanted to buy you a ring because he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, you go shopping for it together, and you find out it's a promise ring. Disappointment.
You want to look for a house together, he wants to look for a house for him. I don't think he can really pull out the religious values card legitimately about moving in together if you're already having sex. The way I was raised, the prior wasn't supposed to come until after the marriage because of the latter.
Perhaps he wants to live on his own before marriage because of how he thinks he'd look to his family if his girlfriend was living with him before wedlock? Looking the virginal part but not acting it. Just a thought. Just throwing a theory out there.
I agree with Myra about the mental deadline. It's a good idea. How much waiting is too much waiting for you? (don't need to answer that here, just to yourself).

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CoutureBride27 Posts : 130 Registered: 5/5/09
Re: All sorts of issues
Posted: May 22, 2009 6:01 AM Go to message in response to: BBride1398

Hi, from a personal point of view it seems like you are actually putting pressure on him, whether it's deliberately or not, I'm almost confident he's feeling the pressure. I can tell you that's the last thing he needs now, if he's talked about your future together surely he must have a plan and vision for you two. But by putting pressure on him, will do nothing but drive him away. The fact that you also want to live with him now, and him not agreeing to it, is a very clear sign.

I'm sure you've read some of the other posts on this forum, and I've previously told a lady on here to not stress so much about this, and rather than be annoyed and worried all the time (which he must be noticing by the way), enjoy spending time with each other AND remind him why you're good marriage material : ) !

You guys have just recently graduated, I suggest that you rather look for a nice place on your own first, I'm actually very against moving in before getting married, but that's my personal choice.

Bottom line ... these things usually happen when you expect it the least.

Cherish all your happy moments:  they make a fine cushion for old age.

**Christopher Morley**

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: All sorts of issues
Posted: May 22, 2009 7:29 AM Go to message in response to: BBride1398

I actually think his idea of getting a place of his own for a while is a good idea. You should get a place of your own too. You both should experience living own your own before moving in together. You need time on your own to figure out what you want to do with your life. He is making very adult decisions right now you should be happy about that and supportive.

Some people believe it is wrong to live together before marriage, it has nothing to do with premarital sex it has to do with living arrangements. I for one did not live with my husband until he became my husband. I would not have ever done it. Others have lived with their guy for years and would not have considered marriage without doing so.

You now have to decide if being his girlfriend now with the possibility of being his wife later is what you want. Are you willing to wait until he is ready or do you want to cut your losses now and move on?

 

 

 

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ninkwink Posts : 17 Registered: 5/11/09
Re: All sorts of issues
Posted: May 22, 2009 9:44 AM Go to message in response to: BBride1398

I'm with your boyfriend on the living arrangements. Even though you may see each other a lot and even though you may sleep over with each other a lot, living with someone is totally different. If you're worried that he won't propose now just think how it may not give him incentive to propose when you're living together. Statistically more than 8 out of 10 couples who live together will break up before the wedding. And 45% of those do not marry. Now my coworker and my old college roommate are exceptions to those statistics both did live with their husbands beforehand and both are happily married now.

There are exceptions to everything but I do think you shouldn't be so hard on your boyfriend for not wanting to move in together. If you're truly in love, when you get married you'll have years and years to live together. I love my boyfriend, too and he's my very best friend and I'm sure it would be fun to live together but we're choosing to wait until we're married.

Also, just because he gave you the promise ring doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you. I know it's getting tough because you've been together for so long but I see the promise ring as a place keeper for the real ring he wants to give you. Plus as many people say on here you don't have to have a ring to get engaged. My sister got engaged with a promise ring because her guy couldn't afford a full out engagement ring yet.

Good luck with everything. Try to be patient but keep a mental deadline in your mind of when you'd like to be engaged and when it gets past that deadline bring up the topic and see how he feels about things. You shouldn't have to wait forever.

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CaribbeanBride08 Posts : 1,474 Registered: 6/13/07
Re: All sorts of issues
Posted: May 22, 2009 10:58 AM Go to message in response to: BBride1398

I don't understand the whole promise ring thing so I'm with you on that one. However, as for the living arrangements, I completely agree with Kennys in that you should get a place of your own as well. Not because I'm one who would never live with someone before marriage but because I'm a firm believer in a person being independent for a while. I think it would be good for both you and your BF.


Member and Co-Founder of POOP:   "People Offended by Offended People"

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: All sorts of issues
Posted: May 22, 2009 10:59 AM Go to message in response to: ninkwink

Just a thought - maybe it's NOT a promise ring. Maybe it is, in fact, and engagement ring, but in an attempt to surprise you, he's just telling you that it's a promise ring. I don't want to get your hopes up over nothing...but maybe just don't get upset about that quite yet. Just in case.


As for this: "I asked him about moving in together and he said he just wants to live by himself first to see how it is and because he always wanted his OWN place. And he was like, well you'll already be over all the time anyways. Now i was not happy with that answer so we had many different conversations and now he's talking about how he was brought up not to live with someone before marriage. And i pointed out the fact that he has sex with me before marriage and everything else under the sun so i dont understand where this religious stuff came from"

My husband and I had sex prior to marriage, but I did not want to live together before marriage. Why? Many reasons. But a big one was that I wanted our life to start together, new and fresh in a way, after we were married. I didn't want to be living together already, get married, and then go back to the same routine. I also thought it would be good for HIM to live on his own for a bit first, so that he wouldn't look back and have any regrets about not having ever done that.

Like you guys, we were practically living with each in college dorms. I moved back in with my parents after school, he moved somewhere by himself. I was over there all the time. We even sorta set it up TOGETHER as sort of "our place", but only he actually lived there. Might that be a kind of compromise? Look for a place together, you help him set it up, help decorate, etc. But have him live there alone for a bit?

I understand your frustrations. I would just encourage you to do your best to not freak out too much about them yet. It doesn't sound like you guys are doing too badly.


Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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DoesntPlayNice Posts : 809 Registered: 12/17/08
Re: All sorts of issues
Posted: May 22, 2009 11:16 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I don't understand the point of a promise ring either. To me it is an easy way to shut someone up that wants you to propose to them. Its like saying "I promise that one day I will propose to you" WTFis that??? whatever...anyway.

I have to say that although I understand what everyone is saying about living apart before marraige...i get it. You should be able to be independent first...but on the other hand I KNOW that I could not marry someone without living with them first.

I guess I am really no help at all....not sure why I posted. oh well.

Previously Posted as Military Bride.

CEO of E.N.E.M.A. (Enemy Negotiations & Extraction Military Agency) A special Division of P.O.O.P. (People Offended by Offended People)

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: All sorts of issues
Posted: May 22, 2009 12:24 PM Go to message in response to: BBride1398

My advice?

Just concentrate on yourself right now. It sounds to me like he's not ready for marriage (because when he is, he'll make it happen) but he does love you and wants to stay with you. You can't make him be ready.

So if it's really now or never, then you should get out of the relationship. But, honestly, I think you should just concentrate on other stuff -- career, friends, saving up for house/emergencies -- but stay in your relationship (you do love him after all). So much in relationships is really compromise, so I say you compromise on the marriage quest now, and enjoy this transition from college to adult life together -- don't force marriage into it.

__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: All sorts of issues
Posted: May 22, 2009 5:28 PM Go to message in response to: BBride1398

On the promise ring issue, I'd also be annoyed. Personally, I think promise rings are Ok...if you're a teenager. They seem weird for an adult woman, though. Would you wear it on your left hand? If so, people would constantly think it was an engagement ring, and you'd have to keep repeating that it is a promise ring. Also, given that YOU thought it was going to be an engagement ring, I'm assuming that it's a diamond ring. And when a woman wears a diamond ring on her left hand, people generally assume she's engaged. So I agree with you on that, but I'll get back to that after I've commented on your second issue.

I can relate to your second issue, but having the benefit of a few years on you, I agree with your boyfriend. When I was your age, I would have agreed with you...but he's right.

I also wanted to move in with my now-husband straight from the dorms, for the same reasons you do. DH, who is two years older than me and had lived on his own for a while, wisely told me that I needed to get some experience as an adult (an independent, out of college adult) before taking on the responsibilities of living with another adult in a marriage-like relationship. I felt the same way you do, and I resisted - but thankfully, he stayed firm and I had no choice but to NOT live with him. In retrospect, I'm 100% convinced that we wouldn't be married right now if we had moved in together back then. DH was right - I needed that time on my own (as did he).

Others will tell you otherwise. You'll probably get a whole group of 22-year old commenting that they moved in with their boyfriend right after college and everything's great. You'll probably also get a bunch of 26-year olds telling you that they moved in with their boyfriends straight from the dorms and everything's been great. All I can tell you is my own experience. I am so glad DH refused to move in with me back then. We would have had - maybe - a miserable year or so, and then I would have lost my best friend forever. Instead, we lived seperately until shortly before our wedding, 5 years later.

Ok, now that I've spoken my piece on the second issue, back to the first issue. First off, I completely understand why you're annoyed. It sounds like you and your boyfriend need to have an honest discussion about your plans for the future. It sounds like you want to marry one another, but you both probably have different ideas about when that will be. Full disclosure is necessary, here. You are each making plans (in your head) for a future that includes BOTH of you, yet you're not sharing that plan with the other. Does that make any sense? Not really. Sit down and be frank with him. Thank him for the promise ring and assure him that you appreciate the thought that he put into it. Then confess that you seem to have crossed your wires, and that you thought the ring was to be an engagement ring. Don't make this sound accusatory - simply state that you were confused, since he was talking about marriage and it's a diamond ring. Due to this confusion, tell him that you think it's a good time to compare notes on how your plans for the future. Let him tell you his plan, and don't interrupt or get upset if it's drastically different from yours. When he's finished, explain yours. Then discuss how the two differ from one another and how you might compromise. If you truly want to marry one another, you NEED to learn to compromise. That's the #1 skill needed for marriage: how to make both of you happy/content when you both want different things. You each need to give and take - do not expect to get your own way. That's not fair. You need to take his wishes into consideration as well.

If he replies that he has no plan, you may need to prompt him a little. Or give him some questions to think about, and then revisit the issue another time (that's a good idea if he gets flustered). How much time do you both want to take for yourselves before getting married? Are there any goals that you want to achieve before getting married? Is one of you particularly focused on your career, and wants to reach a certain milestone before settling down? What about transfers? If someone gets a good job opportunity somewhere else, what will you do, either before or after marriage? Does one of you have family goals, such as starting a family before a certain age? These are all things to consider.

Once you're both on the same page about your future (or at least understand the other's way of thinking and you're searching for a way to compromise), you need to decide what to do with the promise ring. I can see three options: 1) Wear it in the spirit in which it was intended, 2) Return it to the store and put the money away, to be used towards an engagement ring in the future, 3) Put the ring away and use it as an engagement ring when you're ready.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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