How long were you willing to wait for a ring. Sorry so long!

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MsElle Posts : 4 Registered: 5/18/09
How long were you willing to wait for a ring. Sorry so long!
Posted: May 18, 2009 7:30 PM

I met my boyfriend when we were 12. We kept in touch but both moved. We stayed friendly throughout the years. We went to school together 6,7 grade. He always had a crush on me.
So time went on at 16 I met my first serious boyfriend(not him). He was older than me by three years. Very charming. He was my first real boyfriend. I dated him for 5 1/2 years until about I was 20 years old. Coming to the conclusion I was not ready to commit. He started to talk about weddings,getting married and so on. It just wasnt the right time. I needed to experience life.I wasnt ready to settle down
.Almost right away my boyfriend now called me to chat. We hung out as friends for a couple of months and after about three months decided to make things more serious. Now almost 7 years later we are still dating!
I didnt think of getting engaged until I was 25. At that point we were together 5 years. Everything was great. I thought within the year it was coming.
Well our 6 year anniversary came NOTHING. So every birthday,christmas, anything. I would get so excited. Still nothing. He is the absolute love of my life. But I come from a Catholic family. I wanted to wait until we were married to move in. So our 6 year anniversary came and I decided i wanted to move out of my parents home and live alone. My mother went through a painful divorce and begged me to stay. He wanted to come with me.It would be my first time living a lone. Hes talked about if for about 2 years at that point. Us living together. Last summer us together over 5 years. when I started to think of it I discussed marriage. He said he wanted all the things I did and its coming. all was good.So I decided to move in about 6 months later with him. We got our new place. All I kept thinking was it was coming any day! We moved in around the holidays. Nothing. Mind you after we moved in I mentioned how much us living together with no commitment was very hard. (hint, hint). Now we have lived together almost nine months. No ring!I feel like IM obsessed. Its all i think about. Its all everyone asks me! People act like he must not love me. Everything is truly great. we do things together have dates. we have sex regularly. I just dont get it. But this dating thing is really doing a number on my self esteem. The past year and a half Im having real doubts. Whats wrong with me. Men were never really an issue. I feel like Im only getting older. I just turned 27. I can easily move on now. But I am not married and have no children. That also scares me. I dont want to be over 30 and have my first child. Our last discussion was me crying and him telliing me he loves me so much and has a wonderful plan! Not to worry. We can get engaged this year, Married this time next year and try to have a baby. What I noticed is he never asked me what do you want? When I stated that he said because I have several times. And he has a wonderful plan and loves me to death. But now im just sad all the time. I guess a part of it is all my friends are getting pregnant are married or planning a wedding but me. I feel desperate for feeling this way. So now we have lived together for nine months. I spoke with him this time last year and have been patiently waiting. I feel like now Im getting mad. I feel betrayed like he strung me along. if he had told the truth I wouldnt had thought it was coming. He dosnt go out ever. Really only with me . So its not a sowing his wild oats thing. I dont mind if he goes out. I am not jealous, or controlling . Ive been so easy. We truly are best friends. Am I being to demanding?

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: How long were you willing to wait for a ring. Sorry so long!
Posted: May 18, 2009 11:37 PM Go to message in response to: MsElle

Every relationship is different. However, if what you really want is to be married, and you've told him... stop talking about it. Set a mental deadline -- do not tell him he has one -- and if he has not proposed by then, start looking for an apartment. I'm not saying break up with him, but move out on your own.

That will either get his attention and makehim think or it won't.

You are the only one who can decide how long to wait.

Misty

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JJsWifey08 Posts : 272 Registered: 12/5/08
Re: How long were you willing to wait for a ring. Sorry so long!
Posted: May 19, 2009 3:45 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

I agree cat. set a mental deadline and then if it doesnt happen by then set a rule for yourself and follow that
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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: How long were you willing to wait for a ring. Sorry so long!
Posted: May 19, 2009 10:20 AM Go to message in response to: MsElle

Wow! Your story sounds a lot like mine! I met my fiance when I was 13 in 7th/8th grade. We had art class together and we became friends in high school. In high school I dated another guy for 3 years (my first serious boyfriend). We broke up and then I started hanging out with my now fiance. Months after we made it offical as boyfriend and girlfriend! We moved in together around our 5th year anni. I talked about marriage to him all the time. He knew I wanted a ring. I told him I felt weird living together without any wedding plans. I kept bugging him and bugging him lol.Finally around the holidays we made plans to go ring shopping together. He proposed on Christmas Day! We've been a couple for 6 years.

My advice to you is to please be patient. Your day will come. Both of you have talked about marrage and he has told you that he wants to marry you. He is just waiting for the right time. I know it will come :) Don't bug him too much though cuz otherwise that may get on his nerves and he may walk out :-p

Good luck and keep us updated!
                              

 

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SonjaD Posts : 18 Registered: 2/3/09
Re: How long were you willing to wait for a ring. Sorry so long!
Posted: May 19, 2009 1:53 PM Go to message in response to: MsElle

Having your first baby is not so bad over 30!! I'm 31 and have never had one yet :) I'm going to though....

Since I felt like I was on the older side of things, in terms of being married then moving on to have kids, I wasn't willing to wait more than 2-2 1/2 years. I met my fiance when I was 27 and got engaged at 30, so technically I did wait a little longer than I planned. It's hard to put a time line on this kind of stuff, and don't be so down about the possibility of having your first child past 30 :)


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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: How long were you willing to wait for a ring. Sorry so long!
Posted: May 19, 2009 3:05 PM Go to message in response to: SonjaD

I agree with Sonja. I'm not having my first kid until I am 35! I like my freedom and I don't want to be burden at the moment to have a kid lol. It sounds mean but I don't really like kids haha.
                              

 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: How long were you willing to wait for a ring. Sorry so long!
Posted: May 20, 2009 3:42 PM Go to message in response to: MsElle

Personally, I never wanted kids in my 20s. Heck, I spent my teens wanting to be more grown-up...then I spent the first half of my 20s getting my education and starting my career. Now that I'm well established with that, why would I rush the next step of my life? No way! I've spent my entire life trying to get to this point - I deserve at least a few years to enjoy my success before starting my own family and not having the time or financial resources to enjoy life!

But that's me. I should probably mention that I don't come from a 'marrying young' crowd. None of my friends got married before age 26 or 27, and nobody my age (28) or younger has kids yet. So I definitely don't have the friend-envy factor.

Anyway, to answer your question, we dated for 7 years before getting engaged. We met young (in college) and we both had lots of goals that we wanted to meet before getting married. Waiting wasn't a big deal, since we were both working towards other goals. We felt that our early to mid 20s were a big transitional time, and that we should each take the best opportunities available to us. Hence, DH did not hesitate to take a job in Pittsburgh when I lived in MA. A year later, I didn't hesitate to move to DC. If we hadn't taken these opportunities AS INDIVIDUALS back then, neither of us would be where we are now - either as a couple, or as individuals. In a nutshell, neither of us wanted the other one to sacrifice opportunities just so that we could be together. There would be plenty of time for that. And in retrospect, we were absolutely right to do so.

When the time was right for us, we got engaged and married. And we're better off, having taken the time as individuals to take advantage of opportunities and build our careers. Sure, it was hard at times - like when people bothered us about when we were going to get married, or when we saw friends or relatives meet, date, and marry their SO in a shorter time than us - but we're SO much better off having waited. We got married at the right time for US - not for anyone else.

I would stop focusing so much on your boyfriend and your relationship. Your relationship does NOT define you as a person. Being married or unmarried does not define you as a person. Stop focusing on this and take some time to pursue a hobby or interest. If he says he has a plan, have faith in his ability to make a GOOD plan. While you're waiting, distract yourself with something for YOU.

Or to heck with it - just propose to him. Why should you have to sit around waiting for him to plan something? Ask him whether he wants to get married and start making plans. Perhaps that will get him moving on the proposal itsself. After all, you don't need to have a diamond ring to look at venues or flowers.

On the 'he has a plan, but he doesn't ask MY plan' thing, I hear you. That would annoy me, too. In his defense, though, I think we all do that. My husband would be shocked to know that I have a 5-year plan, a 10-year plan, etc for us all mapped out in my head.

It sounds like you and your boyfriend need to sit down and discuss your plans. Do so at a time when you are both calm and rational. Tell him that you understand that he has a plan, but you have one, too. Since you both want to create a life TOGETHER, it makes sense to fully disclose and compare your plans. The time for secrecy is past - these plans concern BOTH of you, so you both have the right to know what the other is thinking/planning. Don't worry about ruining surprises. Your boyfriend can easily say, 'I was planning to propose this summer' and still make it a surprise. Summer lasts awhile, and there are plenty of ways for him to surprise you - but it might make you feel better to know the gist of when he's planning it.

If your plans are different, compromise. It'll be good practice for everything else you'll have to do together.

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MsElle Posts : 4 Registered: 5/18/09
Re: How long were you willing to wait for a ring. Sorry so long!
Posted: May 20, 2009 10:00 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Thank you guys so much.Im just upset I guess. I did talk to him. I got sick of talking about this and our future.I basically said I have to get rid of all of my stuff. All my wedding magazines. P.S I got a dress and a veil. I believe it was my own fault. I jumped the gun.I believe that made everything harder for me. But like you said I had a five year plan, in my head i didnt necesarilly tell him about. I know I want to wait now. I want it to be special. I feel like It was tainted by the way I felt, the constant asking. But we are different people. Im a type a personality and hes relaxed. He was upset. He had tears and begged me not to get rid of my dress etc. He was upset I ripped up my book, I made it over the past couple of years and put all of the pictures of flowers hair etc that I liked. I got rid of the dress and ripped the stuff up so it wouldnt be around for me to be upset over. He was amazed I saved all these things and made the book . He was excited how excited I was and couldnt believe I took so much effort.. He had a tear in his eyes and said hes so sad I feel so differently now. But reading these posts the ones you guys wrote me and what other people wrote made me think I dont want to feel like i pressured someone. I just had this fairytale idea in my head. Thats when he got the tear. When I said I just thought we would wait five years.... he would ask my dad..... he would propose...... and happily ever after. I did feel much better not having it all around! I want to make sure now we wait and I feel like its right. He couldnt imagine why if im wanting to spend the rest of my life with him I would think of breaking up over this. if I was the one for him and thought he was the one for me why would i risk that for a ring. to me its not the ring. I dont care if i get a diamond its the engagement its the commitment. It means a lot to me. Im ready to move to the next step however...... Im not ready to feel like ive convinced someone to . I couldnt live with that. he says he wants to be with me no matter what, he dosnt care if i ask him everyday because he is and its coming. I just dont want to be that way. so if i stay miserable I think I will leave. But right now I just need time. I do love him more than anything. he is amazing. even though im mad. hes still so amazing and understanding thats what makes this so hard. but i believe the person i love will want all those things. i wont have to tell them. i believe they would care and value what i want, because they love me. its not fair to either one of us to be miserable. he says hes not but i am upset over this all the time. Now im not upset that were not engaged. Im contemplating this whole thing. I want it to be special but im not sure it is.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: How long were you willing to wait for a ring. Sorry so long!
Posted: May 21, 2009 7:54 AM Go to message in response to: MsElle

I really think you made a scene for nothing. You ripped up your mags and stuff when you could have just kept them away somewhere. I think you hurt your boyfriend's feelings. He told you that he had a plan and it seems like you just blew up in his face. I mean it would have been different if he said, "I don't know if marriage is right for me". Then I would understand. But you did mention that he wants to get married....he is just waiting for the right moment to propose. You said you don't want your proposal to be forced, but now it seems that it may be forced because he saw how much not being engaged affected you. It sounds to me like he is a wonderful guy (from what you wrote). So why throw all that away just because you two are not engaged yet? I don't know, forgive me if I am wrong.


                              

 

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MsElle Posts : 4 Registered: 5/18/09
Re: How long were you willing to wait for a ring. Sorry so long!
Posted: May 21, 2009 11:04 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Maybe you are right. I didnt mean to make a scene. I just had a plan. He kindof lead me on to believe this was all coming a while ago. we are not talking 6 months we are talking over 18 months of me thinking any day, I am just hurt. He did kindof mention about a Year and a half ago "it was coming" he knew thats what I had wanted then. I guess im not willing to compromise what I want . I didnt want any of it around. I was upset i put all this effort and he none. I feel better now. I just booked a trip to Southbeach and am going to enjoy myself. Since we have been together I have been committed and didnt go out much. I put alot on hold for him. I kindof lived the married life,without the ring or commitment. Thinking that was our plan. I think I have to follow my heart. Inside I feel this isnt right. I dont deserve this. It seems its a one way street to me. Yes hes great and sweet and kind and wanting to do whatever he can to keep me happy so i dont leave. but we have been together 7 years. after 3 i told him i wanted to start to settle down after like 5 years. thats my plan its what i want. im not afraid of the age thing i am only 27. Having children at 30 isnt so bad. It just wasnt my plan. i am afraid however of settling for what someone else wants. Ive worked at the same job since i am 17. I make good money and work really had. At times ive worked two jobs. and went to further schooling. I am responsible and set my personal goals to be ready to start this part of my life. worked weekends holidays you name it. Ive sacrificed a lot i dont mean to sound bitter. but i feel as if sometimes im waiting for him to catch up and grow up. i feel betrayed because i think he tells me what he thinks i want to hear. I think he would tell me anything and do anything to keep me with him. But if someone loves you why wouldnt they think of what you want? why wouldnt they make a plan. I see him running around working OT more in the past couple weeks than ever. Now hes afraid. Ive thought a lot. I am being true to myself whether you may think im "making a scene" or "overeacting". But i feel like he had a long time. Thank you guys again, I do have a plan. My plan is our lease is up in a couple of months. We made a lease agreement for one year. We cant do anything until then.

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MsElle Posts : 4 Registered: 5/18/09
Re: How long were you willing to wait for a ring. Sorry so long!
Posted: May 21, 2009 11:06 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Maybe you are right. I didnt mean to make a scene. I just had a plan. He kindof lead me on to believe this was all coming a while ago. we are not talking 6 months we are talking over 18 months of me thinking any day, I am just hurt. He did kindof mention about a Year and a half ago "it was coming" he knew thats what I had wanted then. I guess im not willing to compromise what I want . I didnt want any of it around. I was upset i put all this effort and he none. I feel better now. I just booked a trip to Southbeach and am going to enjoy myself. Since we have been together I have been committed and didnt go out much. I put alot on hold for him. I kindof lived the married life,without the ring or commitment. Thinking that was our plan. I think I have to follow my heart. Inside I feel this isnt right. I dont deserve this. It seems its a one way street to me. Yes hes great and sweet and kind and wanting to do whatever he can to keep me happy so i dont leave. but we have been together 7 years. after 3 i told him i wanted to start to settle down after like 5 years. thats my plan its what i want. im not afraid of the age thing i am only 27. Having children at 30 isnt so bad. It just wasnt my plan. i am afraid however of settling for what someone else wants. Ive worked at the same job since i am 17. I make good money and work really had. At times ive worked two jobs. and went to further schooling. I am responsible and set my personal goals to be ready to start this part of my life. worked weekends holidays you name it. Ive sacrificed a lot i dont mean to sound bitter. but i feel as if sometimes im waiting for him to catch up and grow up. i feel betrayed because i think he tells me what he thinks i want to hear. I think he would tell me anything and do anything to keep me with him. But if someone loves you why wouldnt they think of what you want? why wouldnt they make a plan. I see him running around working OT more in the past couple weeks than ever. Now hes afraid. Ive thought a lot. I am being true to myself whether you may think im "making a scene" or "overeacting". But i feel like he had a long time. Thank you guys again, I do have a plan. My plan is our lease is up in a couple of months. We made a lease agreement for one year. We cant do anything until then.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: How long were you willing to wait for a ring. Sorry so long!
Posted: May 21, 2009 12:03 PM Go to message in response to: MsElle

It makes more sense now. I thought you meant that he recently told you that he had a plan, but he actually had a plan a year ago. Yea then if that's the case then you feel like you have been waiting long enough. You are not getting any younger. Besides, actions speaks louder than words. Maybe he is afraid of marriage and is afraid to admit it or maybe he wants to save enough money for a ring (even though you don't need a ring to be engaged). I like the idea of you going and spending time alone and to do the things that YOU want to do without anybody holding you back. While you are gone both of you can take the time to think things though. When you come back see if you two are on the same page. If not then it's time for you to move on. Keep us updated.


                              

 

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