To invite my mom....or not

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Waterchick84 Posts : 6 Registered: 4/30/09
To invite my mom....or not
Posted: Apr 30, 2009 10:38 AM

Hello!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for around two years now and we are soon approaching where we would want to get engaged. There is only one major problem - my mom HATES him, to the point that the sheer sight of him sends her into a boiling rage. She has always been extremely controling of me so this is nothing new. On top of it, she said some incredibly nasty things about my boyfriend and his family when his mom was on her deathbed, so they really do not want to be around her. My question is - 1.) Do I invie just my dad and not my mom or 2.) Do I simply not invite my parents all together? I really do not want Liz (my mom) to be involved at all but it seems wrong to not invite my dad.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: To invite my mom....or not
Posted: Apr 30, 2009 10:49 AM Go to message in response to: Waterchick84

If I were you I would invite both of my parents to the wedding. If they don't show up then oh well, you tried, and they will miss out on your special day. If they do show up then they are adults and they should be on their best behavior towards your FH's family. But if you don't invite them then that will cause more drama.
                              

 

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: To invite my mom....or not
Posted: Apr 30, 2009 1:35 PM Go to message in response to: Waterchick84

Lots more info. needed here. Does your Mom have any actual reason to "hate" your boyfriend? Is this her usual behavior, or is there something especially weird about her actions? Is she still married to your Father? If so, how can you invite one without the other--and why do you expect him to make this choice? Finally, why would you punish your Father for your Mother's behavior? And, by the way, how old are you? Mothers usually find it difficult to control adult daughters who are mature enough to make decisions for themselves.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Waterchick84 Posts : 6 Registered: 4/30/09
Re: To invite my mom....or not
Posted: Apr 30, 2009 1:43 PM Go to message in response to: myra

Hi!

Ok, I am 25 years old and moved out of the house a little over a year ago to move in with my boyfriend. My mom has always hated people who took time away from her and even drove friends away from me when I was a kid and does this to my dad's family. My mom and dad are still married, but their marriage as been on the rocks for over 10 years, but my dad won't see me right now unless I see her (I have barely seen/spoken to her in 4 months). Why she doesn't like him - honestly, I don't know. Everyone in the extended family loves him and my mom has always been known for being a difficult person to get along with. I agree, I am in a tough spot on whether or not to invite her or not and I hate the thought of not inviting my dad. Actually a week ago, I asked my father to divorce her, which would make this situation not even exhist.

Hopefully this is more information for you and Thanks!

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adrigirl01 Posts : 287 Registered: 10/2/08
Re: To invite my mom....or not
Posted: Apr 30, 2009 2:00 PM Go to message in response to: Waterchick84

You asked your dad to divorce your mom? Yes she does sound like she's being difficult; I would still invite them both. However, I have to say that is not something a daughter should ask a parent. That can't make things easier at all on him. If you were still living there and she was really truly abusing you, I can see asking that. But I have to say, since you're out of the house and have been, the situation is his to handle.
Aside from that, invite them both. If she's that non-supportive and loathes him that much, isn't there a likelyhood that she won't show up at all and dad still may knowing that mom had the choice to not go instead of simply being pushed away from the wedding?

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Waterchick84 Posts : 6 Registered: 4/30/09
Re: To invite my mom....or not
Posted: Apr 30, 2009 2:06 PM Go to message in response to: adrigirl01

Hi!

The part for me asking my father to divorce her came out of the fact that she has been verbally and emotionally abusing me for as long as I can remember. Even when I have been out of the house, when I would go visit, she would verbally attack me every single time I was there which has prompted me not to be talking to her that much. Was it out of line, maybe, but it has been very hard trying to figure out how to handle her and live my life without feeling getting criticized for every little thing.

I do like your idea and didn't think that she may not even attend. This was something that I hadn't thought of.

Thanks for the advice!

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His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: To invite my mom....or not
Posted: May 1, 2009 11:33 AM Go to message in response to: Waterchick84

I am going to agree with the PP that you should invite both parents, and do not even consider not inviting your dad, that is just silly. Your mother might choose to not show up. If you are worried about her starting drama make sure that you have someone available at the wedding who could escort her out if she gets rowdy or mouthy.

I understand why you don't have a relationship with your mother but why punish your father like that?

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Skyers Posts : 1 Registered: 5/4/09
Re: To invite my mom....or not
Posted: May 4, 2009 3:10 PM Go to message in response to: Waterchick84

Don't give up on your future happiness because of your mom. I have
seen something similar and it always will end in disaster. You need to
realise that you need to look out for yourself and that, yes your
mother brought you up, but it is your right to decide how to use what
you have learnt through her. Do not EVER treat your children like this!

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Korina Posts : 11 Registered: 12/16/08
Re: To invite my mom....or not
Posted: May 10, 2009 12:16 AM Go to message in response to: Waterchick84

Well if i were you i would invite them both, and if they don't show you don't look like the bad guy, and besides if you don't invite your dad than who will you have your first dance with. And your mother has probably always dreamed of her little girls wedding. But this is your choice, good luck

407 days!

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WinterWonderlan... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/23/08
Re: To invite my mom....or not
Posted: May 10, 2009 7:34 AM Go to message in response to: Waterchick84

Wow I can't believe you asked your dad to divorce your mom... way out of line, definitely. Even if she is verbally/emotionally abusive to you, you are out of her house, and that really isn't your place to put that added stress of your dad who still has to be around her.

Now on to the invite question. I see that your wedding isn't until 2011. A LOT can change in that amount of time. If I were you, I'd just not worry about it for at least another year. Reevalulate the situation when its a little closer to time. Your mom could begin accepting your FH before then, your dad could actually divorce her before then, anything could happen. No need to add stress on yourself about it now!

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ObjetTrouve Posts : 10 Registered: 7/15/08
Re: To invite my mom....or not
Posted: May 11, 2009 7:39 AM Go to message in response to: Waterchick84

It's ok hon. Most of my family isn't coming either. I almost didn't invite my immediate family, but later told them that if they try to convert my guests to christianity via loud preaching and giving away bibles, or try to make my gay party guests not act like couples usually do, they would be escorted out and I wouldn't talk to them again. My day, not theirs.

Sit her down and ask her if she wants to go. If she says yes, lay down the law:

No talking smack about him on what is also HIS special day. She will be removed from the premises.

She WILL smile, nod and shake his hand. No passive aggressive comments or picking at him in person. This is also HIS special day. She will be removed from the premises.

There will be no fighting. She will be removed from the premises.

Be forceful, be strong, don't let her ruin your life, or even just one day, and certainly not such a special day. If she doesn't want to go or breaks the rules, have her escorted out and just know that you tried and she failed. Try to laugh it off, she's mostly hurting herself here. You get to go on and be happy with your partner, she gets to go home and be angry and sulk.

 

 

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