Brother's Vow Renewal- asked me to be Matron of Honor

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seekingharmony Posts : 2 Registered: 4/18/09
Brother's Vow Renewal- asked me to be Matron of Honor
Posted: Apr 18, 2009 1:13 AM

My brother married his wife while away in the military and didn't tell the family until afterwards. They went to the J.P. and that was that! They now live near my parents, we love her, and they have two little girls.....

This summer will be their 11th anniversary and he wants to renew their vows because he finally has the financial means to do so. Neither one of them have been married before, so they wish to keep some of the traditions of a wedding such as having me as Matron of Honor and my husband as Best Man.

It will be mostly informal (at a state park in an outdoor chapel in western wear & then a picnic at a park pavilion) and he has been making plans but he let it slip how much it will cost to reserve the pavilion.

As his sister and "matron of honor", am I supposed to pick up the tab?
Background info: Our parents are retired on a limited income and her parents have made their own vacation plans and refuse to change the dates, so they will not be there. (My brother & parents live in northern PA, her parents live in NM, & we live in central GA)

It is already going to cost us a lot to go home because it is so far and we have three boys in tow. We did make sure to plan a short vacation (visiting sick relatives & camping) around it.

The only related expenses that we all have is the park, food, our western shirts, & donation for the minister. Which part, if any, should my husband and I pay?

Even if we are not supposed to help, according etiquette, what could we offer to help with, without sounding intrusive or patronizing?

Any suggestions on how to offer?

Thanks! I would really appreciate any input anybody has, so long as it's not mean. I always have lacked in social skills.

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Brother's Vow Renewal- asked me to be Matron of Honor
Posted: Apr 18, 2009 8:09 AM Go to message in response to: seekingharmony

Where did you get the idea that you might be obligated to pay?


Did your MOH pay for your wedding? Did your BM? Siblings?

And in fact, aren't they doing the vow renewal now because THEY have the financial means to do so?

You will pay for what MOHs usually pay for: travel and accommodation for your family, your outfit on the day of the vow renewal. I don't know if she wants a bridal shower now after being married for 11 years...But you could partake in that if you wished to.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Brother's Vow Renewal- asked me to be Matron of Honor
Posted: Apr 18, 2009 9:38 AM Go to message in response to: seekingharmony

You don't have to pay for the vow renewal itself. Would a sister or MOH normally pay for a wedding? No! Your only responsibilities are to pay for your travel and clothing.

The PP mentioned a shower. I definitely wouldn't throw a shower for someone who has been married 11 years. A small luncheon or something might be a nice thing to do for her, but gifts shouldn't be required or expected. It's not as though she needs household goods - if she hasn't had something for 11 years, she can live without it.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Brother's Vow Renewal- asked me to be Matron of Honor
Posted: Apr 18, 2009 10:21 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

When I said 'Bridal Shower' I meant something along the same lines as the luncheon that you suggested. OP said that they wanted to partake in many of the traditions of having a wedding since neither of them got to partake in that before. So I was thinking more like a finger quotes bridal shower end finger quotes

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Brother's Vow Renewal- asked me to be Matron of Honor
Posted: Apr 18, 2009 1:05 PM Go to message in response to: seekingharmony

Your only "obligations" are to show up, dressed appropriately, and be supportive. If you wish to offer them a gift, that's nice of you. You could hold a small luncheon, offer the "bride" a spa day, or something similar. But it's their party--why would you feel that you had to pay, especially when they've been married for 11 years and, as you say, have the financial means?
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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seekingharmony Posts : 2 Registered: 4/18/09
Re: Brother's Vow Renewal- asked me to be Matron of Honor
Posted: Apr 19, 2009 9:03 PM Go to message in response to: seekingharmony

Well, when you all put it that way, I sure feel silly! I think that I may have that tendency because I am the oldest and I have a very protectve nature. I was the first to become financially stable by more years than age separation, so I just have that urge to want to help people out. I just wanted to make sure. In fact he called today and wanted to pay for our outfits because he picked them out! I do know enough to know that's my obligation, so we're cool.

Thank you all for responding. I really appreciate you taking the time to set me straight. I think the luncheon is an awesome idea.

Have a blessed day!

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