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Problems in the bedroom..

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mrsJLA Posts : 445 Registered: 5/25/08

Re: Problems in the bedroom..: Posted: Mar 28, 2009 12:36 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...; OP - I don't care you don't agree with DH, he just didn't have anything else to go off of. Now that I hear more of your story though....

I stand on my opinion that your FH is down or stressing on something. I can understand he doesn't go out bar hopping with his buddies and may not even care to - but the fact that he is alone in his barracks and not going out getting to him? Is he normally a socialable guy??? Guys get lonely too! And this will kill some guys sex drive...

I am saying this because both DH and I have been through bouts of depression, both around age 20... For FH it was being away from is family and friends for long periods of time and for me it was being away from college & friends that got me. In fact when we met (summer vaca), he was still in college 2 states away which he HATED and I think for those three months until he transferred, he never went out, he called me all the time, etc... Personally I think his numb penis thing could be just one factor in all of this.

Jaime :)
Wedding Pictures and the Furbabies: http://web.me.com/me182a

sex , june_2011 , upstate_hudson_valley , virginia , southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2008 , young , relationship , help , advice

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pinksummer13 Posts : 9 Registered: 7/13/08

Re: Problems in the bedroom..: Posted: Mar 28, 2009 1:19 PM Go to message in response to: mrsJLA; It could be something to do with depression.. he sleeps a lot too and I'm not sure if it's FROM depression because other than that, he doesn't seem depressed- I've even asked him and he says he isn't. It could be from the stress at work though... when he's home he doesn't have to work, it's like a vacation, so he isn't as stressed out which would explain a lot. I'm not sure how to help him out though stress-wise.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07

Re: Problems in the bedroom..: Posted: Mar 28, 2009 1:39 PM Go to message in response to: pinksummer13; I would just like to say that I know that I've been incredibly stressed and to the point with recurring depression and our (DH and I) sex life has definitely suffered. So that is definitely a possibility.

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mrsJLA Posts : 445 Registered: 5/25/08

Re: Problems in the bedroom..: Posted: Mar 28, 2009 1:41 PM Go to message in response to: pinksummer13; Sleeping for longer than normal or "a lot" as you mentioned is often a sign of depression (or is sometimes a way people cope with severe stress)....

For example, sophmore year when I had to go home for the winter break I just came off of a very difficult semester where I had to study all the time and never got to go out and be a normal college kid. Then when I was home, none of my friends were around (from HS) and I was bored and lonely ALL the time (this is before DH came along too). I slept 12 hours a day, and became a total couch potato. Didn't want to go out or socialize, nothing.

Once I went back to college and started up the next semester I was fine (joining my sorority helped me out too). But those 2 months were just mind numbing for me. I just hated being home and away from the good things in my life - my collge life. Back in freshman year, I felt the same way both during summer and winter break, though I would never admit I was down about it. The stress may just be living in the barracks if anything. And he could be totally afraid to talk about these things for fear that the military will come down on him. In my case, my parents didn't believe in psychiatric help or counseling. My parents thought it was a waste of time, but sometimes you can't fix things on your own. If there is a problem, he has to go on his own and admit that there is an issue to be dealt with. The most you can do is be supportive and make sure that he knows he can confide in you and that you will stand by him.

Jaime :)

Wedding Pictures and the Furbabies: http://web.me.com/me182a

Edited by: mrsJLA on Mar 28, 2009 1:45 PM

southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2008

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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06

Re: Problems in the bedroom..: Posted: Mar 28, 2009 6:31 PM Go to message in response to: mrsJLA; I also suffer from depression, and while I'm not about to try diagnosing anyone with it, I just thought I'd mentioned one thing:

It is possible for someone's BODY to be "depressed" without their mind being overly affected. In other words, he could feel relatively content, but his body could experience some of the side effects of depression regardless. Does that make ANY sense?

southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2008

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mrsJLA Posts : 445 Registered: 5/25/08

Re: Problems in the bedroom..: Posted: Mar 28, 2009 9:01 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover; Birdie - that makes complete sense. If your body is overworked or overstressed - even if you seem to be handling everything ok mentally - it can seriously affect your normal functioning (in more ways than one). I know when I am stressed, my physical health can get easily compromised and I tend to get sick more frequently and my apt for sex & friendly socializing become dampened. Going back and forth from the barracks/base could do that to someone too.

I think the best thing in this case to do is to go to a medical doctor, and make sure there isn't a serious medical side effect, and then see whether they recommend a counselor/pyschologist or whatever. In the end, you can't diagnose anything without seeing a professional.
Jaime :)
Wedding Pictures and the Furbabies: http://web.me.com/me182a

southern_shore_new_jersey , october_2008

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DoesntPlayNice Posts : 809 Registered: 12/17/08

Re: Problems in the bedroom..: Posted: Mar 29, 2009 11:13 AM Go to message in response to: pinksummer13; Deleted

Sorry this may get a bit annoying but I must remove anything I posted that might be "questionable" for my career. I hope you understand!

Edited by: DoesntPlayNice on Mar 4, 2010 8:24 AM

sex , may_2009 , texas , young , relationship , help , advice

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JJsWifey08 Posts : 272 Registered: 12/5/08

Re: Problems in the bedroom..: Posted: Apr 4, 2009 5:15 AM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea; Im with nala on this one though. Shouldnt a person be happy on every level with the person shes about to marry not just settling. Im not saying you girls are settling but some women would say well he has alot of money has alot of this and that but doesnt treat me right!! I mean when I married my huney it was because we matched so much. I love computers,video games,love to laugh, love kids and love sex. We are always going at it. To me that set my bar to say hes that one. I mean whatsd going to happen after the marriage? Would you just say Hey I have to accept he has a super slow sex drive and Im always wanting it and keep crying because youre being shot down for it? And ladies this is all my opinion. Just saying

Plunger Of the Offended in P.O.O.P~"People Offended by Offended People"

december_2008 , virginia , october_2008 , connecticut , october_2010

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08

Re: Problems in the bedroom..: Posted: Apr 4, 2009 12:21 PM Go to message in response to: JJsWifey08; JJsWifey ok...my ex boyfriend wanted sex ALL THE TIME but yet he was a jerk and an ass. However, my FH has a low sex drive but he is a wonderful man to me. So you are saying that because I am not "satisfied" I should leave my FH just because he has a low sex drive? Everything else in the relationship is great. Why leave someone for something that can be worked out. Anyways, I am happy the way things are. Who the hell has time to have sex EVERY DAY!!??? Not me, sorry I have a life and other things to do. Sorry if this came out harsh but I am sick of people that think just because a man has a low sex drive then it's wrong to stay with him.

Visit my wedding website http://www.mywedding.com/alanandjarlyn
Sign my guestbook!!! :)

december_2008 , virginia , october_2008 , connecticut , october_2010

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JJsWifey08 Posts : 272 Registered: 12/5/08

Re: Problems in the bedroom..: Posted: Apr 5, 2009 6:43 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel; Im not saying leave him I said why be with a person who doesnt has that match with you on the sexual level? I guess I just think that way But if it can be worked out thats great. It depends on those people. And no it didnt come out harsh. Im not offended easily :D

Plunger Of the Offended in P.O.O.P~"People Offended by Offended People"

Edited by: JJsWifey08 on Apr 5, 2009 6:47 AM

october_2010 , december_2008 , virginia , october_2008 , connecticut

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,930 Registered: 6/13/08

Re: Problems in the bedroom..: Posted: Apr 5, 2009 7:30 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel; Cheetah - I don't think you should leave your FH just because he has a low sex drive, but a valid reason to leave your husband would be if the two of you just aren't matched in the bedroom department. It would be like if you wanted 4 kids and your husband wanted none, and there was no way to find consensus.. you would leave him then, right?

I tried a long time with my ex husband to find consensus on the whole sex thing. He really only wanted sex maybe once a month or so (and damn it if he wasn't good at it too!) where as I like it much more often than that. Not having it turned me in to kind of a sex maniac, you know? I tried to get him to go to the doctor to see if his hormone levels were low or something, but he refused. He refused to go to counselling to talk about it with someone who could figure out if he was down or depressed or whatever. To me, that just sounded like he was telling me "tough. Deal with it." and that is just NOT fair to EITHER of us.

From there our communication eroded along with our intimacy and there wasn't much of a marriage left. THAT is a reason to leave, not just "he doesn't have a low sex drive." You see what I'm saying?

And for the record, I think it is absolutely possible for a man just to have a low sex drive, same as a woman. Everyone is different.

10/26/08

Edited by: Nalamienea on Apr 5, 2009 7:32 AM

december_2008 , virginia , october_2008 , connecticut , october_2010

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08

Re: Problems in the bedroom..: Posted: Apr 5, 2009 4:38 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea; The good thing is that we have talked about it and he sees that he will have to "improve" in that department lol. I see some improvement in the past 2 weeks so that is good He's trying and he knows how I feel. I think we hit some high and low moments at times with stress of work and life in general and that creates his low drive. I just worry too much. I always find something little to give me doubts because sometimes I feel that it's too good to be true that I will be marrying him. I love him and he loves me lol.

Visit my wedding website http://www.mywedding.com/alanandjarlyn
Sign my guestbook!!! :)

december_2008 , virginia , october_2008 , connecticut , october_2010

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dannysbabydoll Posts : 28 Registered: 1/7/09

Re: Problems in the bedroom..: Posted: Apr 6, 2009 12:12 PM Go to message in response to: pinksummer13; I just read a bokk that would help you guys out alot. It called "The Five Love Languages". Reading your situation I can tell that you need to be touched to feel loved and he needs something else. Buy the book. Its like $15 bucks but it is totally worth it. You will learn to understand each other, and basically it will be a life saver. Good luck!!!!!
"Now join hands, and with your hands your hearts."
William Shakespeare

sex , michigan , may_2010 , young , relationship , help , advice

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LilTuffGirl Posts : 301 Registered: 11/4/08

Re: Problems in the bedroom..: Posted: Apr 7, 2009 6:21 PM Go to message in response to: dannysbabydoll; I dated a guy who had an issue with feeling in his penis as well. But when he was younger he was playing with a dart gun and about lost his penis.. sucks for him. BUT he still wanted to "please me". Although he never got the chance to... lol
My FH has a LOT more of a sex drive then I do. Then again i'm swamped with work, school, and clinicals and am seriously stressed. But I do just give it to him just to make him happy. I normally enjoy it even if I don't want it.
Sometimes I do think he wants me for just sex but then I snap out of it. We cuddle a lot and hold hands constantly. We always play around... granted most of it's sexual but at least it makes me feel wanted.

Maybe try to just do what he wants and try not to ask for sex. Try to turn the roles around.. make it harder for him to get it. Sometimes we want what we can't have. It's more exciting to chase...
True love never lives happily ever after - true love has no ending

sex , michigan , may_2010 , young , august_2009 , relationship , help , advice , west_virginia

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,930 Registered: 6/13/08

Re: Problems in the bedroom..: Posted: Apr 7, 2009 7:45 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl; Lil'TuffGirl - I wish you could know how it feels to want to be with your husband, but for your husband to not want to be with you that way. It's not just a "wait it out" kind of thing. I know for my ex it would have taken MONTHS for him to start wanting it bad enough to ask me, and I simply couldn't wait that long, even though I had a drawer full of toys to please myself with while i was waiting.

It's the being wanted that makes a difference.

10/26/08

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