Problems in the bedroom..

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pinksummer13 Posts : 9 Registered: 7/13/08
Problems in the bedroom..
Posted: Mar 25, 2009 3:10 PM

My FH and I have been together for over two years, and at the beginning of our relationship we didn't have any problems with mismatched sex drives. About four months after we started dating, he left for boot camp. That was the start of our long distance relationship. After 13 weeks of it, he graduated and since then (Sept 07) we've seen each other every three or four months or so for a couple of weeks at a time. When he comes home, we hardly get any 'alone' time together because he stays with his parents and I'm not allowed to stay the night there. (He's 20 and I'm 19 and his parents don't want his younger siblings thing pre-marital sex is okay.) I live with my parents and am attending college, so we don't get to spend the nights together. Neither of our parents approve that we have sex, and usually we end up having to park somewhere at night and secretly do it in my car.

This past summer is when we started having problems though. I went out to visit him for six weeks, and I stayed at a friend's house with him. We had our own room and everything, but after the first week- he didn't want to have sex very much. After the first couple of weeks I was getting anxious about it- I was thinking that he wasn't attracted to me anymore or something, or maybe I was just that awful at it and he was finally fed up with it. Anyway, I confronted him about it the week before I left, and he said that he just didn't like sex very much. I confronted him about it again while we were on the phone and he confesed that he was self-conscious about his size. I reassured him and everything was fine. (Or so I thought.) But then I went out for a few weeks this past November, and again- the first week was fine, but the next three he hardly wanted to have any. Whenever I tried to initiate it, I would get shot down which hurt my feelings. The one week I had my period was the only time he bothered me for sex- and it was because he couldn't have any I think.

He came home for this past Christmas and New Years, and it was fine- we were hardly alone together so whenever we were, we usually had sex (in the car, mind you.) Anyway, once again he told me about it on the phone- he said that whenever he has his mind set on something, like going to a movie or going out to eat, he has to do that before he can think about sex. Even though he says he loves the fantasy of spontaneous sex- in reality, he doesn't. I don't know what to do. When he's home, our sex drive is fine. When I go out and visit him for a month at a time, we have problems. I've tried to talk about it with him, but he won't. I'm on BC so I'm not sure if that's why my sex drive is more than his? Is this normal? What should I do?

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Problems in the bedroom..
Posted: Mar 26, 2009 12:30 PM Go to message in response to: pinksummer13

I have the same problem as you. For some odd reason, that I wish I knew, my FH has a very low, and I mean very low sex drive!! We're lucky if we "do it" 3 times a month! :( (Plus we live together so you think we would do it more often)That's the only thing I hate about my FH and it worries me to think I have to deal with this forever when we get married. He says he doesn't have to have sex all the time to love me. ARGH! Talk to your FH and see what he says. Maybe it's just the way he is and you just have to accept that :(
                              

 

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Problems in the bedroom..
Posted: Mar 26, 2009 1:06 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

cheetah and pink - I'm hesitant to tell you my story because I dont' want you to think that I think that this is the only way to end your predicaments....

But basically I was in your exact position and it was the end of my marriage. I just... drifted. I lost a "connection" with my husband and it was really really hard to get it back. It was also a terrible cycle that I had to get out of. It started with him turning me down in bed and that crushed me. I would cry to sleep after that, in the bed beside him, and he wouldn't even acknowledge I was crying. So I tried abstaining with him, but I was just driven nuts. Then I thought it was me, just like Pink said, and my self esteem went in to the toilet and I ate too much and gained like 40 pounds. After that I REALLY didn't think I was pretty enough to turn him on... etc... etc...

Unfortunately for me, it took another man showing interest in me to get out of the terrible rut. We ended up expanding our marriage to be more "open" and we would both have sex with another couple at the same time... I thought that by being "kinkier" I might be able to turn him on more. I was okay with the deal too because I got to have sex out of it. Usually, he and I would have sex again once we were alone, so it was working for a while. Then, he just sorta dropped out of the foursome and left me alone with the other couple. After that, the arrangement was ended. I ended up straying about a year after that becuase another man showed interest in me - and my husband at the time wasn't even mad. I Was mad that HE wasn't mad! It's like he didn't value me enough to be jealous or something.

Anyway. I finally found enough self confidence to leave and start over. We owned a gorgeous condo together and I walked away from that, and all my furniture, my cats, everything to move home (1000 miles away) with my parents.

I hope you guys can get in to counselling (my ex refused) or get him in to see a doctor (my ex also insisted there was NOTHING wrong with him. I disagreed at the time). Because if this isn't settled soon between you guys and your FH's it could lead to a big disaster. To me, the sex question is as big as the children question. Meaning, how many kids to you want is as basic a question as how much sex do you want to have ? It's a deal breaker if you don't agree/

 

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mrspinky Posts : 3,773 Registered: 3/14/08
Re: Problems in the bedroom..
Posted: Mar 26, 2009 1:18 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

Nala - I've been watching this thread but I didn't post here. It's so sad that this stuff happens. Really breaks my heart that there are people out there.

Mrs. Pinky


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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Problems in the bedroom..
Posted: Mar 26, 2009 2:02 PM Go to message in response to: mrspinky

Luckily for me I only want one kid and so does he. The thing is that I would hate to leave him because of his lack of drive. Other than that he treats me perfectly and he still gives me attention and hugs and kisses me and helps me around the apartment. And I know he will decline counceling. So I feel like I just have to accept who he is...
                              

 

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pinksummer13 Posts : 9 Registered: 7/13/08
Re: Problems in the bedroom..
Posted: Mar 26, 2009 2:37 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

My fiance treats me just fine, like yours does. He's affectionate and loving, but he says I ask for sex too much and he'd rather just spend time with me doing something else... I don't have a problem with that of course, but we can't go out and do something in the middle of the night. I dunno.

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Problems in the bedroom..
Posted: Mar 26, 2009 2:45 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

But to me, it's about how does he make you FEEL? It would okay with a man to break up with a woman because she doesn't give him enough sex, but if a woman leaves a man for the same reason, she's probably going to be called a slut or something. It's just a fundamental disagreement in what your priorities in a relationship are. If you just decide to "take him for how he is" then you're changing who YOU are, and is that fair to you?

I know how hard it is to talk about because while I was there any time I brought it up I felt like I was the bad guy and I was accusing him of something. Think about it though - if he wasn't fullfilling any of your any needs wouldn't you go to counselling to talk about it?

 

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DoesntPlayNice Posts : 809 Registered: 12/17/08
Re: Problems in the bedroom..
Posted: Mar 26, 2009 2:49 PM Go to message in response to: pinksummer13

I hate to be the one to say this...and as gently as possible I want to ask...are you sure he is still interested in the relationship? or maybe he is seeing someone else?

This started AFTER he joined the military right? People change in the military ALOT. Maybe this relationship isnt what he wants anymore. Also a red flag that I saw was that when he comes to your town he is fine but when you go to his he suddenly doesnt want it?

To me it sounds like there is something else going on. But again I dont want to be the party pooper here. I am just telling you what I think. Maybe there is more you could tell us???

Previously Posted as Military Bride.

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: Problems in the bedroom..
Posted: Mar 26, 2009 11:00 PM Go to message in response to: pinksummer13

I wish I had some impressive advice to give that would make everything better, but I don't.

I think it is much more common than society wants to believe that women can have high sex drives, so to answer your question, I do think it's "normal" and that you're not weird in any way just because you want sex more often.

All I could offer is to talk to him more. Good luck.

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CaribbeanBride08 Posts : 1,474 Registered: 6/13/07
Re: Problems in the bedroom..
Posted: Mar 27, 2009 12:51 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

I'm finding it extremely difficult to believe that there are guys in their 20s who have low sex drives. I really didn't think this existed.

I have to lean toward the side of Doesn'tPlayNice on this one. Are you sure he still wants to be in this relationship?


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ginmal Posts : 396 Registered: 1/11/08
Re: Problems in the bedroom..
Posted: Mar 27, 2009 1:14 PM Go to message in response to: CaribbeanBride08

Maybe he is getting sick of having to "do it" in the car all the time. Call me crazy but as an adult...I like to have sex with my husband wherever I damn well please in my home. Unfortunatley for you two you are adults living with your parents. Maybe you should geta place of your own and then you can have grown up sex outside of the car.

Bless your own day, leave mine alone!Innocent

 

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pinksummer13 Posts : 9 Registered: 7/13/08
Re: Problems in the bedroom..
Posted: Mar 27, 2009 1:30 PM Go to message in response to: ginmal

Well, I got him to talk to me about it again. I can't believe I forgot about this.. but he told me over a year ago that certain things aren't working properly down there- he's numb in quite a few place. I'm not sure if it's nerve damage or what.. but he's very embarassed/sensitive about it so seeing a doctor is out of the question. (Plus he's in the military, so he's only allowed to see a military doctor- and it'll go on his record and it can affect him getting promoted and what not.) He told me that he likes sex, it just doesn't do much for him.. since he can't really feel very well down there. Anyone heard of this before? Is it nerve damage or is it from a lack of vitamins? Any ideas?

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DoesntPlayNice Posts : 809 Registered: 12/17/08
Re: Problems in the bedroom..
Posted: Mar 27, 2009 2:26 PM Go to message in response to: pinksummer13

As an Army veteran I can tell you that if he has erectile dysfunction...yes it will go on his MEDICAL record but it most certainly will NOT stop him from getting promoted! Plus regardless of military or not your medical records are confidential unless specifically needed for a profile or discharge.

If this is the case he needs to see a doctor about it. Even though they are Military a lot of those doctors are civilians. I know it is embarrassing but I encourage him to get it checked out.

Previously Posted as Military Bride.

Back from Iraq and ready to switch out the ACU's for a Wedding Dress!

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CaribbeanBride08 Posts : 1,474 Registered: 6/13/07
Re: Problems in the bedroom..
Posted: Mar 27, 2009 2:50 PM Go to message in response to: DoesntPlayNice

Oh please. The excuse he's using for not seeing a doctor is RIDICULOUS. There is no way the military is going to tell him "Uh, sorry, we can't promote you because your dick doesn't work". That's seriously the most absurd excuse for not going to a doctor that I've ever heard.

He needs to go to the doctor. Period. It could be - or lead to - a much bigger issue.

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Problems in the bedroom..
Posted: Mar 27, 2009 4:14 PM Go to message in response to: CaribbeanBride08

My point is that he should see the doctor, despite his embarassment, because of how it's making YOU feel! Doesn't he want to want to have sex with you?

And yes, it really does happen. I think some men just have lower levels of testosterone or something chemially different about them. My ex was devistated when I left, so it was obvious he wanted to be with me... he just didn't want to have sex "all the time" (his definition, not mine) which lead to sex about, oh I dunno, every other month? That was just was felt natural to him.

It has got to have a lot to do with how they are raised too. His family was VERY conservative. He'd told me more than once that he didn't think his parents had sex except to make him and his brother. so that tells you what kind of behavior he was witnessing from them.

On the other hand, my parents (while they were married) were very touchy and kissy all the time, so that had to effect the level of importance I gave sex and affection in my relationship.

 

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