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I need advice... Am I over reacting?

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TABride Posts : 5 Registered: 3/22/09
I need advice... Am I over reacting?
Posted: Mar 22, 2009 2:41 AM

Ok. Here is the deal.

My fiance and I have been dating for almost 6 years. He and I had always talked about getting married but we werent engaged so we didnt plan anything for the wedding. We wanted to keep it special for when we were engaged to be married. Well, December of this year, he proposed to me! I said YES of course! Well... we decided that we want to get married in Spring 2010. Spring- because we love the weather (hate the heat, but also hate the cold, so spring is the perfect weather)and we can have our favorite flowers -lilacs and it will be after I get my BA degree. (I graduate early may)

Well... Things got thrown into a loop. My fiance's brother got an ex-girlfriend of 6 months (they had broken up and were apart for about a year) pregnant. They still werent dating at the time. After about 4 months of her pregnancy they decided to start dating. Well once the babies were born she started planning their wedding. (this was about 4 months before me and my fiance got engaged.) Well she made a whole wedding book and had declared that her wedding would be in may 2010.No matter what. Well, they JUST got engaged in Feb. of this year. So now her wedding plans are final. Memorial Day of May, 2010.

Well...I am having some problems with this. First of all.. I guess I find it a little unfair that she should be able to claim the month of may for her wedding even before they were engaged. It made it so that I felt that my wedding couldnt be in may if I wanted it to be... even though I have waited nearly 6 years to be engaged.
Another problem (the biggest) I am having with this is: If we both get married in the Spring of 2010 my fiance's family will only be able to make it to one wedding because they live so far away. I really want them to be able to be there. I need some advice. I really would like to get married in Spring 2010 (perferably in the month of may...) but I do not know what to do... (the chance of his family being able to come to 2 weddings even 6 months apart is even very unlikely)

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks...

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: I need advice... Am I over reacting?
Posted: Mar 22, 2009 2:58 AM Go to message in response to: TABride

OK - Remember these words 'Any advice would be appr'eciated.'

Meaning if you do not get the advice 'you want' you still have to listen OR at least not get annoyed with anyone you do not agree with. (damn ended that sentence incorrectly - lol)

You get a day. You have to decide - you haven't set a solid date per your post. Decide, let the go or change your date. Or beat them to the punch and decalre a date with depositsin order before they do.

Readrdless you have A day. work it out.

 

 

 

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TABride Posts : 5 Registered: 3/22/09
Re: I need advice... Am I over reacting?
Posted: Mar 22, 2009 3:38 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I just dont want to cause problems with the family. I think that if I took a date close to her or before her that she would be severely angry with me. And I dont want to look like the bad guy. ---- I do appreciate the advice tho. Thank you.

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,930 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: I need advice... Am I over reacting?
Posted: Mar 22, 2009 7:36 AM Go to message in response to: TABride

We've had discussions about this here on the boards before, so the regulars are going to be anticipating a huge hissy fit. LOL

When you book a wedding, you get that day, or maybe that weekend, not the whole month or whole season. If you want May of 2010, you have to make some decisions. Find a date right now and hurry out and put money down on a venue now, or bump it to June. If you're graduating in may of 2010, you're probably graduating mid month right? Like about the 15th? So your finals week that month will be right before that, right? So if you get married hte weekend after you graduate, you're going to have to deal with finals for school at the same time as all the final details for the wedding.

I know you've probably never been married before, so let us tell you who've been there: that month before your wedding date is STRESSFUL. You have a year to work out all the details, but it flys by and when your month gets here it's nothing but the tiny minutia that has to be done and it's no fun at all. If I were you, I would not plan your graduation and your wedding back to back. I would maybe push your wedding to June or July if it were me, or have a fall wedding because you still get that "mid season" weather. Or you could just book a venue that has air conditioning and solve yoru problem. hehe

Good luck!

 

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10/26/08 

virginia , october_2008
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IslaBonitaBride Posts : 82 Registered: 2/4/09
Re: I need advice... Am I over reacting?
Posted: Mar 22, 2009 8:11 AM Go to message in response to: TABride

I just wanted to add that if your FSIL is getting married on Memorial Day's Weeekend, vendors may be unavailable or charge more for heir services. Perhaps she may end up changing HER plans!

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: I need advice... Am I over reacting?
Posted: Mar 22, 2009 9:13 AM Go to message in response to: TABride

Is it possible for the family to stay a week to ten days. What family are we talking about anyway. FILs? Are you talking mother, father, siblings of the groom? Are you talking aunts, uncles, cousins? There is a difference which is why I am asking. If family can stay a week or so just have your wedding the weekend before theirs, put you honeymoon off a week or so and that way you are there for FBIL's wedding. All the family gets to be there to see both of them get married and everything is cool.

Unless... you have the FSIL from hell and then nothing you do is going to make her happy. Then you have to decide if it is worth it for you to have one unhappy SIL but the rest of the family is miserable or do you put off you wedding for another year to have them all there or do you have your wedding without all the family.

BTW the length of the relationship has nothing to do with when you decide to get engaged. It also does not give anyone the right to get married any sooner than anyone else. People decide when they wish to marry based on what works for them, not others. Just a thought

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: I need advice... Am I over reacting?
Posted: Mar 22, 2009 12:19 PM Go to message in response to: TABride

So what if you were engaged first or dated longer? They set their date first - deal with it.

Sure, it's Ok to be privately pissed off, but keep it to yourself. You'll look like a whiney baby if you complain about this.

Honestly, they probably did you a favor by 'stealing' the month that you wanted. You were planning a spring wedding for the same semester that you graduate? Seriously? Did you think this through? Do you really want to be stressed with exams, thesis, etc in the weeks before your wedding? And do you want wedding stress to interfere with your performance in your last semester? It's not worth it.

My advice is to punch your pillow in private until you get over your disappointment. Then put a smile on your face and adapt your plans. You wanted a spring wedding due to the weather, right? Fall weather can be just as nice - why not look at fall 2009 or fall 2010?

I'll also say this: my BIL got married seven weeks after we did. No key family members missed either wedding.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: I need advice... Am I over reacting?
Posted: Mar 22, 2009 12:59 PM Go to message in response to: TABride

You're going to have to make some choices. And, yes, the choices do seem unfair when you've been planning for a while, but unfortunately, fairness really doesn't matter.

You can either go for what you've been wanting, a Spring wedding in May 2010, and take the chance that some key people won't be there. Or you can compromise and pick another date, another year, whatever. There are pluses and minueses to both choices. A later date means that you can have more time to plan, or a Fall wedding means that you avoid both hot and cold weather again, plus you don't have to "share" your anniversary with these other people.

I know it would be great if this other woman chose another date, and considered your feelings. But, bottom line, she doesn't have to (and if she were here, I'd be telling her exactly what I'm telling you -- that she has difficult choices to make). The thing is, frequently it can be very difficult to find the "perfect" date -- one in the time of year you like where everyone can go, flowers are cheap, blah blah blah. You just have to make compromises and accept the consequences. And honestly, in this economy, you really never have any idea who is going to show up to a wedding, no matter what.

Bottom line -- there's no real right answer here. But there is a right way to behave, and that way is with maturity and an understanding that no one is technically "right" or "wrong" here. No one "deserves" to wait or to not have their dream wedding. But someone will have to make compromises, and the person who does -- gracefully, rather than grudgingly -- has my respect.

Good luck.


__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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luckymebride Posts : 125 Registered: 12/7/08
Re: I need advice... Am I over reacting?
Posted: Mar 22, 2009 5:03 PM Go to message in response to: TABride

This is so unfair especially when you waited 6 years! Here's what I would do, instead of May 2010, I'm going to do it April 2010 or 1st week of May...Whatever it is, pick the wedding BEFORE them so that your FH's parent can attend your wedding 1st and they can stay for your FH's brother's wedding after if they want...I'm sorry for being a bridezilla here, but I just think that you got engage before them so why should you have to wait or postponed, oh, because they got pregnant? Well, that just doesnt' make sense, you should still have the wedding as you planned and speak up before is too late...

Do you find it funny that no body around you is getting married or engaged anytime soon but the moment you engaged, everybody included their moms get engaged....it just so weird to me.


Edited: P.S..
I'm sorry, this might not been a good advice coming from someone that's everybody & their mamas' are now engaged and planning their weddings the same time...


wedding web site

Edited by: luckymebride on Mar 22, 2009 5:11 PM

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HLYflute Posts : 1,283 Registered: 2/5/07
Re: I need advice... Am I over reacting?
Posted: Mar 22, 2009 7:14 PM Go to message in response to: TABride

This would make for a crazy busy weekend, but could you BOTH get married on Memorial day weekend? It might be helpful to you FH's parents.

Example: You have your rehearsal dinner on Thursday night, get married Friday night. Everybody can rest up Saturday. Then, your FSIL could have her RD on Saturday night, and get married Sunday afternoon or evening. (Or you could do it the other way around.) You should both save money by doing Friday and Sunday instead of Saturday.

This idea might sound crazy, and it would certainly make for a hectic weekend. But it would be really nice for any OOT guests who would be attending both weddings to be able to do it all in one weekend.

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TABride Posts : 5 Registered: 3/22/09
Re: I need advice... Am I over reacting?
Posted: Mar 22, 2009 8:03 PM Go to message in response to: TABride

I really appreciate everyone's advice. I have been trying to tackle this problem with dignity and make it so that each of us can be happy about our wedding dates. I guess that there has just been a little bit of jealousy on my part. All of your advice is appreciated-even if it wasnt what I wanted to hear. I have a lot to consider.

Thank you!

The important part is that I am marrying the man of my dreams! I just need to remember that!

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: I need advice... Am I over reacting?
Posted: Mar 22, 2009 8:09 PM Go to message in response to: HLYflute

I think that is a good idea. I would try something like that. It would be good for those that would otherwise not be able to make both weddings. We had a similar sitituation in our family.

My brother (brother A) got engaged and they set their date for June they were going to honeymoon somewhere. My sister (sister A) got engaged and planned to have a destination wedding in June it was going to be the week following Brother A. My mom and several members of our family decided to go down to the Bahamas for the weekend for her wedding.

Another sister (sister B) who had gotten married the year before but hadn't had her honeymoon decided to have her honeymoon down in the Bahamas so she could attend Sister A's wedding. Since the rest of the family was going to the Bahamas to attend my sisters wedding Brother A decided to have his honeymoon in the Bahamas too.

While all this wedding and honeymoon planning was going on my other brother (Brother B) got engaged and he and his wife decided that since everybody else was getting married and all of the family would be together at that time they decided to plan their wedding for the Friday before my brother A's and they too would be able to go to the Bahamas to attend my sister A's wedding.

So in short we had three weddings and four honeymoons in the same week and nobody had any problems with the timing. No Bridezilla moments at all. Everybody was happy for everybody else and it was fun to celebrate with all our family and friends.


 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,166 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: I need advice... Am I over reacting?
Posted: Mar 22, 2009 8:43 PM Go to message in response to: TABride

I'm going to second everything Nala said. I got all my planning done very early. We had 1 yr and 4 month engagement. Right now, I'm 13 days from my wedding. This month I have wanted to shoot everyone I know and strangle FMIL just for pleasure. I also want to kill my vendors. I thought I had everything squared away with them months ago. Now they are finding a million questions to ask me "right at the end". Someone finds something new every day to add to my list. I'm an anal ultimate organizer so this organized chaos circus show I'm running is wearing my nerves very thin.

There is NO way I would want my finals the same month (much less close to the week) of my wedding. If it were me, I would not get married in May. Sure, it sucks she booked the same month. Maybe do a fall 2009 wedding. You still have plenty of time to plan a wedding for this year. If not, bump it to June or fall 2010.

          ever thine          ever mine          ever ours

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