A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Mar 12, 2009 1:24 AM Go to message in response to: audra2013

Ugh, sorry, I have to do a massive rant:

So my family has gone through a lot, some of which I have talked about and some of which I have not in the past few months. It started with learning of my father's two year affair back in October which he then treated my family like a ping-pong family "I choose her, I choose your mom, I choose her, I choose your Mom", then my 19 year old cousin being killed in a car accident which was devestating which had a direct affect on my school work (missed a week to go to Texas for the funeral and to be there for my cousins) as well as an indirect effect (slept all day, didn't go to class...), my brother being diagnosed with HIV which I learned on December 22nd and then my mother having my father move out after his indecisiveness and decided she had enough which was January 1st.

As you can possibly imagine, this has had an extremely large toll on me. And of course I am so lucky to have Greg be there for me through all of this.

The thing is, I am now in debt, mourning for my cousin and devestated about my parents. The confusing part is my brother.

My brother was 10 000 in debt through his credit card and after his diagnosis and my father being dismissed from the house, my father rented a 2 bedroom apartment for my brother and him so that my father could be there for him during this difficult time of financial debt and illness.

My brother is living the best possible case scenario for an HIV patient. His blood cell levels are ideal, he is not on medication, he just has to eat right and try to stay away from anything contagious. Basically right now if he gets a cold, he might have it a few days longer than others. He is not unhealthy right now.

However, my brother calls me everyday ranting and venting to me about how he feels like he is going to drop dead at any second, how he hates my father (for what he has done to my mom--his step mom as well as my dad's issue with finances at the moment, can barely afford anything while supporting my family, his apartment as well as having a relationship with this woman at the same time) and they fight all the time. All he ever does is constantly remind me of how horrible our lives are--that we are practically poor, of his illness of the devestation my father has caused on our lives. As if all of this happening wasn't enough, he reminds me of it everyday...and not lightly...he absolutely downpours it on me. It's like being punched in the face 1000x a day and having "your life really sucks, but mine sucks more! do something!" screamed in your ear until you go deaf.

Well the twist is, my brother was a complete asshole to me as a child. He technically is my half-brother and he definitely always saw me as his half-sister. He hated me. He was six when I was born and I was the first biological child from my mom and dad (my mom always considered him her son.) He used to hit me, yell at me. One night when my parents were out and he was babysitting with a friend (they were both about 12 and I was about 5 turning 6) he threatened to kill me and held a knife to my throat after locking his friend in the basement with my little sister. He used to stand in my doorway at night to scare me and scratch along the doorframe. He would come home high on ecstacy and cocaine, steal my money (remember as a child and you would save up just so that you could actually own a 50 or 100 dollar bill?) . My parents don't know about all the ways he treated me but they did know about the theft and the drugs and the horrible temper. One time during a fight he smashed a heavy ceramic plate over my mother's barefoot. He kidnapped our dog. I used to take care of my sister at night as my parents and my brother fought, telling her stories in my bed which she would always crawl into being scared of being alone. He moved out for a while and things cooled off and started to get better. Then when I was around 14 I got a phonecall from him. He started off by saying that he was going to go away for a while, that he loved me very much and to tell our parents that he was going to be away, that he loved them and that he would see us all again one day. I knew what it was--I was his suicide note. My parents were out shopping and when they came back a few minutes after I hung up, after begging him to stay on the phone, I told them about it in a panic. They rushed over to his friends house where he was living and saw him passed out on the floor. They took him to emergency where he had his stomach pumped. Turned out he faked his suicide, it was just a cry for help...and he made me be the suicide note. Things have gotten a little better since, he finally graduated school, went to college and was even validictorian. The relationship between him and my family has definitely improved and I do still dearly love him even though he always tried to resist that until a few years ago.

Now, the reason I am saying this is that it is so hard to be compassionate and caring to him right now. It's so hard to support somebody who completely ruined my childhood. I try, but while I am still so broken from everything, it is hard to help fix somebody, especially somebody you secretly resent.

Today we got in a fight and he manged to twist it onto how horrible his life was even though that had nothing to do with the fight and I snapped. I told him that I couldn't handle it anymore, that I didn't want to talk at the moment (I had a History paper to write and didn't want to waste my time talking to him) He then went on to call me selfish and spoiled. I tried to explain to him that I couldn't handle it, that even though I don't cry often and make myself look strong that I was too weak to handle the load he was putting on me everyday. He continued to say "fuck you" and "fine, then let's not talk." I pointed out that, that latter statement was exactly what I was talking about--that if we weren't talking about problems, we weren't talking about anything. That he would choose to not talk to me than talk about everyday things (he is going to a concert and to the caribbean which I learned from my father but my brother never talks about things like that..good things...) He then went on to be like "fine...i get it...you need a break...a break from me" which I then lost it again pointing out how self-absorbed he was being. That I don't need a break from him, that I need a break from all the worrying and all of the troubles.

Well, now, he basically hates me. I don't know if really I am being selfish. But, I have debt, school, a long distance boyfriend, divorcing parents, a devestated little sister and a sick brother and a dead cousin, as if that happening wasn't enough--I have it being reminded to me a thousand times a day.

What should I do? Is he right? Am I being selfish?

I am sorry that was so long...I am just so...exhausted by all of this...I feel like if one more thing is placed on my shoulders I am going to collapse. Just needed to get this off my chest...

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CountryPrincess Posts : 673 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Mar 12, 2009 1:29 AM Go to message in response to: audra2013

Audra: I don't think a shuttle bus is necessary. I consider a shuttle bus for the OOT guests a "luxury" item. We aren't having one and more than 1/2 our guest list is OOT. I think most guests expect to drive. So if you can't afford a shuttle, then don't get one. There's no reason to stress about it. If your MIL insists that you have one, then she should pay for it. If she's not paying for it, then you're not having one.


I texted MOH and told her I was going to ask Kevin's cousin to me a BM. She got really upset about it because she feels like she's being replaced. She said that since Kevin's cousin lives in town I'll do all my stuff with her. I'm just sick of MOHs bull crap so I was like, "Honestly if you feel replaced its your own fault because you're distancing yourself. You will be as invovled, or not as invovled, as you choose to be. I'm done trying to get you to do anything."


"I don't care how much it hurts. I don't care if its a brick wall disaster. I'd rather fight with you everday than be happy for one second with anyone else." <3

Kevin & Mari: 11/09/06 to Forever.

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CountryPrincess Posts : 673 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Mar 12, 2009 1:43 AM Go to message in response to: CountryPrincess

Brighter: I am so sorry you have to go through that. As you know, I grew up in a pretty broken home. My step-brothers abused me, my step-dad beat the crap out of me, my step-sister was a prostitute, my real sister sabatoged any relationship I ever had, my young brother almost died twice from thie hole in his heart, and my mom is bipolar (and she either doesn't take her drugs or takes too many and is all fucked up). Anyway...my mother does the same crap your brother does where she always bitches about how horrible her life is. Even if the conversation is completely unrelated, she will find a way to twist it around into a "poor me" conversation. Its obnoxious and stressful. I've tried to tell my mom that I just cant take all the hatefulness that she constantly poors on me. She doesn't understand that though and just screams that I don't care. So what I've done is just limit how much we speak. If I know I can't handle her complaints, I just don't answer the phone. If we are talking and she starts stressing me out, I just tell her I have to go and quickly say goodbye before she can yell at me. I would suggest trying something similar.

"I don't care how much it hurts. I don't care if its a brick wall disaster. I'd rather fight with you everday than be happy for one second with anyone else." <3

Kevin & Mari: 11/09/06 to Forever.

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Mar 12, 2009 1:54 AM Go to message in response to: CountryPrincess

double post, oops! post is below!

Edited by: BrighterThanSunshine on Mar 12, 2009 1:55 AM

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Mar 12, 2009 1:54 AM Go to message in response to: CountryPrincess

KJ* Wow, I can't imagine growing up like that. I want to do what you suggest, but it is so hard when he guilt trips me all the time. He thinks I am so privileged and he is so damaged and that he deserves all my time--but he doesn't realize how much HE damaged me and how recent events have just piled on top. He tells me that trying to get me to talk is "like pulling teeth." But I usually ignore him on msn because I know what it is. An invitation to yet another pity party. I don't want a pity party for me and I don't want to go to any!

I think it's really good that you stood up to your MOH like that. Hopefully she will get the message.

Audra* Agree with KJ, a shuttle is a luxury item. Don't have a luxury budget? Don't get luxury items! Also, I am sure your haircut looks great. I am getting my haircut this weekend and I am getting bangs. I'm kind of scared. Whenever I have bangs I don't want them, whenever I don't I do. However I have a forehead that is so large that it would be a conquest for a mountain climber, so I think I am going with bangs. (Slight exaggeration)

So I had a dream that Greg officially proposed despite my slight putting it off. Even though I don't think I really want an official engagement right now anymore the dream was adorable. We are long distance as most of you are probably aware. So in my dream it is at least next September as I am living in the student house I will be next year. Everyonce in a while we mail each other a carepackage or a letter to spice up the communication a bit. So I get this letter from him and I get all excited and I open it up and all it says is "Hi Babe, Go Outside." So I open the front door and he is down on one knee with that ring I am in love with. All he says is the simple "Will you marry me?" and of course I freak out and say yes and kiss him a million times. Then the dream is over.

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Autumnalis2010 Posts : 133 Registered: 1/12/09
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Mar 12, 2009 5:07 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

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audra2013 Posts : 145 Registered: 6/18/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 12:03 AM Go to message in response to: Autumnalis2010

Brighter: Oh wow, that is a really tough place to be in! I don't think you're being selfish at all so don't doubt yourself. If you surround yourself with negative people (or just have one extra negative person) it really weighs you down and while in normal circumstances, that sucks, you have a high high level of stress right now so you really don't need that crap. I'm not sure that I have any good advice, I'm horrible in situations like that. But I hope you can figure it out and I just wanted to support you and let you know, you're right !

KJ: WOW I can't believe you said that to MOH! I'm very proud of you, I think she needed to hear it. I'm very curious, how did she respond? I NEVER stood up to my BM, never said a word about her attitude and she still dropped out and listed 4 bogus reasons for it, so I'm dying to know how she responded! About the bus, she's more worried about there being no parking (remember there's a reception that starts a couple hours b4 my ceremony so they'll have all the parking) and that's why she wanted it for OOT guests, but also anyone who didn't want to deal with no parking nearby. Either way, I don't see it in the budget at all!

Autumn: I LOVE clearwater. We spent two weeks down there a little over a year ago. It was fantastic (at least the tourist area was lol) Have I mentioned I'm jealous? But soo happy for you!

man I feel you girls about the bangs. I started cutting my bands when I was about 15 and I've only had 2 bang cuts that I felt 100% comfortable with! How sad is that? This is one is awful, it really does look like a Beatle bang lol. I'm hoping my SIL can do something with it!




wedding tickers

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CountryPrincess Posts : 673 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 12:27 AM Go to message in response to: audra2013

Hey everyone. I'm tired. We just got home from the circus. It was a lot of fun! FSIL is dating a 8th grader! (she's in 6th grade). You should've seen FHs response when he found out. He was trying to be like cool big brother but he grabbed my hand SO hard. I remember being FSIL's age. I was dating 14 & 15 year olds when I was 12. I also remember what I did with those boys. So I think pretty soon I'm gonna have a talk with FSIL. Another few yeras and sex will be everywhere she looks. So I'm going to tell her that when she does start having sex, I want her to tell me so we can get her on the pill. I know that I really should let her grandma handle that, but I also know it won't get handled that way. FH says he'd rather me do that than her end up preggo.

My MOH never responded to me. Which just pissed me off even more. The intial conversation was through facebook chat but after I said that she signed off. So then I called her and she ignored my call. I've called her multiple times since then and she still hasn't talked to me. Oh well. I'm over it at this point. I told her everything that I needed to say and I even tried to do it politely as possible.


I can't remember anything.


"I don't care how much it hurts. I don't care if its a brick wall disaster. I'd rather fight with you everday than be happy for one second with anyone else." <3

Kevin & Mari: 11/09/06 to Forever.

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audra2013 Posts : 145 Registered: 6/18/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 9:45 AM Go to message in response to: CountryPrincess

KJ: That's a little bit of sticky situation to be in with FSIL! At least you guys are willing to help her out if she has sex. In our family sex before marriage is a no go. So I'm still trying to get my little sister to wait till she's out of the house at least so she can take care of her own bc! Wow I can't believe your MOH is ignoring the situation. I wonder when she'll decide to contact you.


Man I never have time to check this in the AM but Josh was so sweet and he kept the baby last night (even though he has lots to do today) so I'm so relaxed. I got to sleep in an extra hour and 15 mins and now I'm just taking my time getting out the door. It's SO wierd lol. I'm freaking out though cuz today is exactly 3 months till my wedding! Woah I have lots to do.




wedding tickers

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 10:49 AM Go to message in response to: audra2013

Well first off, thanks everybody!
I came home for the weekend last night and it was really relaxing until my brother called my Mom & I at 3:30am claiming to be on ecstacy which i do NOT believe. I know what he's like on E. That wasn't it. Also, he is so scared for his health right now and constantly afraid of dropping like a fly--as if he would take the pill. There is NO way. So I just handed the phone to my Mom after talking to him for a second and she was just like "you've done this before, if you are just high and aren't in danger right now just wait until the effects wear off and go to bed." My sister was sick all last night...we couldn't leave her...especially for something that was probably just attention seeking.

Audra* I can't believe your wedding is SO soon. Every day when I come on I'm just like "Holy shit..." when I see your date. What are things you have to get done in the short term? You must be so excited! Isn't it nice sometimes just being able to wake up nicely...have a long shower...that's nice that Josh let you take a break this morning!

KJ* Whenever I read somebody's post I always visualize it in my head like a movie (I'm not sure if that's weird or if everybody does that) But when you told us about your FSIL and Kevin acting cool but squeezing your hand it was actually so funny. That's such a cute and funny older brother thing to do. I never dated somebody older when I was that young! In fact, the only time I have ever dated somebody more than a matter of months older, I was 17 and dating a 20 year old. People were really sketched out for a while. Senior highschool student and third-year University student didn't sound so good apparently. Especially since he graduated that year and just got a third year degree...so it was like "I'm still in highschool and my boyfriend has a degree." I remember even THAT being intimidating. I made us take things really slow because I was actually kind of scared of his experience...even though I don't know how many girls he slept with or anything...but I didn't want to know.I definitely thing it's a good thing to talk to your FSIL when that time comes. She's not going to want to talk to Grandma about having sex! And grandparents aren't so fond of that idea. Her method of contraception would just be abstinence.

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NessaRae615 Posts : 675 Registered: 9/23/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 12:56 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

Hey girls! Long time no talk! I have been so stressed out trying to find a house....not that we can move anytime soon. Now we are realizing all the houses we are looking at are short sales, and our mortgage broker says we should probably stay away from those.....So frustrating!! I can't belive my wedding is in like 70 some odd days! I am so nervous!! I feel like I have NOTHING done!

Brighter~ I am sorry to hear about what your brother is putting you through. I can't imagine all of that happening at once, I think you are amazing for being able to keep your head up!!

KJ~ Thats cute about Kevin. My sudo little sister will never be able to date poor thing. She has 5 very protective older brothers, and a crazy father, plus me. I think it would be a good idea to talk to her about sex and birth control, probably soon. I know of girls having sex that young, hell I almost did. I also helped mentor a little girl who got preggo at 9!! Kids see all the sex on tv and as soon as their parts work, they think they have to have sex.

Audra~ Aww thats nice of Josh to take the baby. I love being able to get ready on my own terms in the morning.....Thats one thing I am worried about when it comes to kids, I am SO not a morning person!

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 1:31 PM Go to message in response to: NessaRae615

just in reference to what Nessa said about children starting to have sex so long;

do any of you read fmylife.com ?

It's a blog-like website with just a series of posts by people about a particularly fucked up situation that happened to them. It's really funny to read sometimes.

Anyways, I remember one post being like (paraphrased):

"My daughter asked me how old I was when I first had sex, when I answered eighteen she shouted out 'BEAT YA!' She's 12"

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NessaRae615 Posts : 675 Registered: 9/23/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 1:48 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

Wow, thats just not right! I am still ashamed to tell my mom I was 14 when I lost it.......Wow......

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Autumnalis2010 Posts : 133 Registered: 1/12/09
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 5:51 PM Go to message in response to: NessaRae615

.

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CountryPrincess Posts : 673 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 6:23 PM Go to message in response to: Autumnalis2010

I love being invovled in my FSILs life. She doesn't have any other women in her life, other than her grandma. So I feel like I really have a chance to be close with her. I desperately wanted to be close to my little brother who is about her age, but its not really possible because of my dad and all that. I'm scared that FSIL will start having sex young beccause she doesn't know any better. Her grandparents never talk about sex or boys or anything related. They even let her good friend Brandon (they've known eachother since preschool) spend the night in her room...with the door closed! I had talked to FSIL and she said they didn't do anything because Brandon views her as pracctically his sister but she thinks hes really hot. So I had to be the adult and break it to her grandparents that FSIL is no longer a litle girl and that she can't have boys in her room with the door closed, especially overnight. Her grandparents asked what they should do and I said give her the same rules FH had about the opposite sex being over. But honestly...that won't do any good. FH had sex with 3 girls (me and 2 others) in that room for years and never got caught. I feel like the kids who tend to have sex young are the ones who aren't educated. She has hormones, she started her period like a year ago, and she's one of the most developed girls in her grade. My best friend growing up was that girl and she turned into a total whore. I want to make sure that doesn't happen with FSIL. So I'm just taking it upon my self to educate her.


Nessa: I'm sorry that house hunt is so stressful :( You're wedding is so close! That's exciting!! How much do you have left to do?

Audra: That was so sweet of Josh to take your son. I bet you enjoyed your relaxation.

Autumn: That is so strange about his mom! I'd be annoyed but I don't think there's a lot you can do. When I first started dating FH his grandparents liked me but weren't exactly nice to me. His grandpa was always acting like a stand-offish hard ass and his grandma was always guilt tripping me, saying how I was stealing her baby. Finally I told FH that he needed to stand up to them because I feel really devalued. So he did and they actually apologized to me. Has Ben talked to his mom? That's about all I can suggest.


Was that everyone??

So one last thing before I end this incredibly long post: I asked FHs cousin to be a BM! She was soo excited. I made her this little card with a poem that asked her to be my BM. She almost started crying. The funny part is that she had an on and off fling with one of our GMs. They're totally cool with eachother and everything its just funny because they still like each other but don't see each other enough to act on it. So I wonder what will happen with them and the wedding! lol.

MOH is ticking me off. She texted to me today asking how the circus was and then just started talking. Completely ignroing our conversation a few days earlier. Oh well. I'm over it.

Sorry this is so long!


"I don't care how much it hurts. I don't care if its a brick wall disaster. I'd rather fight with you everday than be happy for one second with anyone else." <3

Kevin & Mari: 11/09/06 to Forever.

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