6 years in april and still no ring

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Franko Posts : 128 Registered: 11/15/08
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 29, 2009 7:54 AM Go to message in response to: jana297

what can i say, listen to your heart

 

I bought our rings @

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cdambrosio78 Posts : 1 Registered: 11/17/08
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 30, 2009 2:24 PM Go to message in response to: jana297

Hello all! This is my first time posting. I usually just like to read everyone else's posts, but this was one I felt like I could relate to and wanted to share my experience.

I was in a similar situation with a guy who I dated for almost 8 years. We started dating in college, and lived together later in our 20s as well. I thought for sure he was the one. But after about the 6-year mark it got to the point where I wanted to move forward and he was dragging his feet. He would tell me he wasn't ready, and that "someday" we would, and "what the rush?". I would talk to my friends about it and most of them would day "just give him time, he'll get there". But only my best friend was truly honest with me and said, "if he loves you he should marry you...you've been together long enough for him to know". She was right. He was probably never going to be ready to marry me, and I became bitter and relationship strained. Things fizzled out and we went our separate ways. Now I'm engaged to a wonderful man, who is 3 years younger than my ex and was still somehow "ready" to marry me after 2 years of dating...in fact he knew he was ready within the first few months.

So my advice would be to not compromise yourself or your happiness waiting for him. If you're not totally satisfied in the relationship, and he's not willing or able to meet your needs, then it might be time to move on. I agree with some of the other posts about maybe setting a deadline in your own mind, but also be careful with that. You have to stick to it otherwise what is the point AND realize that the closer you get to that deadline with no proposal the more miserable you will probably be. It is kind of a double-edged sword that way.

I'm sure you know the answer in your heart. I did for a while too, but I refused to accept it until things became totally unbearable. I wish I had listened sooner.

Take care!
Cathy

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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 30, 2009 3:34 PM Go to message in response to: cdambrosio78

ugh the waiting sucks!

i always thought id marry my high school sweetheart - we had been together for 3 years, including our first year of college together, but things just didn't work out - college and independence was changing both of us differently - and because of a misunderstanding and miscommunication we didn't get back together like i had hoped.

in the meantime, i met college boyfriend, who despite my parents concerns, was everything i thought i wanted at the time - he was fun, we had similar interests and liked to do the same sort of things. the 6months to a year was a little rocky, as his previous relationship had been a long one like mine, only she had cheated on him, so he had some trust and opening up issues that we dealt with. a little while later we talked about marriage and plans for the future. we both knew we wanted to get married to each other - it was something that would come up in conversation regularly. however, once he moved back out to school (he moved home for awhile to finish up his AA, as he had failed out of university of medical reasons, and needed the AA for them to accept him back in or something like that) he wouldn't get a job to help with his bills. he told me and his mom he would when he moved back out there, but then said soon after he would once summer came, so he could get adjusted to being back out there and in school. well summer came and went and he still didn't have a job.

he knew how important it was for me to have a ring. i didn't care how soon we'd get married - i had a year left of school and he had nearly 2 if he stayed on track - but i just wanted the ring to prove that he was serious about this and i wasn't just wasting my time - plus we had been together for over 3 years now and i was starting to wonder if i was wasting my time with him.

the final straws were 1) when his teenage brother was all upset over how he had to get a parttime job to help his parents put food on the table, as they were having financial problems, while big brother lived 30 miles away, skipped class all the time, didn't work, and mooched off them - what bothered me was that he didn't seem to care and still didn't bother to go out and look for a job! and then 2) when the electricity got shut off in november - when he moved in in january, he was subleasing from this guy i had worked with, but he never bothered to call comed and set up his own account and the guy that no longer lived there obviously wasn't paying it. they owed over $1000 and comed said they would not turn it back on until it was paid in full. he refused to tell his parents or let me tell them (they were giving him money to pay bills afterall and this one hadn't been paid at all!) and him and his roommate (who was dating 1 of mine) had to move in with us for awhile. at first they told us 2 weeks, which turned into 4 and then some - the 1 roommate started freaking out as her grandma was paying her room and board and granny would flip and stop paying if she knew we had boys staying with us (granny's real conservative and old fashioned). eventually they got enough money to pay it, but it was the final straw for me.

i saw what my parents were concerned about - his lack of motivation and his contentness of doing nothing. i didn't want to marry someone who was like that - it was already starting to rub off on me and i didn't like it. i told him i wanted to take a break to think things over, give me 2 weeks, and in that time he needed to seriously get off his ass and look for a job or i was gone. while he made a little progress and actually started looking, but by the time 2 weeks was up, he still didn't have a job - just a lot of talk about how a few places seemed interested and might give him a callback (note, when i needed a job, i applied at about 10 places in 1 day, got called back by one 2 days later and then 2 others later that week).

DH and I had known each other and been close friends for 9 years at this point - he had a huge crush on me back in jr high and fell for me in high school and was still interested in having a chance with me. he had a lot of things going for him, we had similar backgrounds, knew everything about each other, and i was curious about giving it a try too. we started dating 2 days before christmas 06, even then he had been hanging out with me a lot while i was 'on a break' with my ex. he proposed in january 08 and we got married last september. im so glad i didn't marry my ex - that would have been a big mistake!

i don't regret being with him, i just regret that it took me nearly 3.5 years to realize it. i was growing up and getting ready for the next chapter of my life, he was staying in the same place he had been in for years. i realized that it could be another 3 and a half years before he bought a ring and asked me (he also refused to ask my dad's blessing, which was something that was important to me).

now not saying that's the case with you, but only you can know for sure what's right for you.

Friends since December 1997
Together since December 2006

September 13, 2008
Legally, I became his and he became mine.

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FutureMrsH10 Posts : 22 Registered: 1/11/09
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Feb 6, 2009 10:11 PM Go to message in response to: TheNewMrsJ

My FH and I have been together coming up on 4 yrs, and he has been married once before. I know many people wait more than 3 yrs before they are fed up but we have a 16 almost 17 month old son together, we live together, share bills, share a house. So by 3 yrs I had enough of being the "girlfriend" when all along I was playing the wife role with no ring on my finger or the paper to go with it. So, I told him he had till the end of 2009 to propose. Sure enough, he proposed to me a month ago and we've never looked back! We will have been together 5 yrs when we get married and even to me that's more than enough time lol. I would set a mental date and tell him that you will stop bugging him BUT you want a wedding commitment by such and such a date. I know that many will say that's bad but sometimes they need to know where our limits are. I hope after 6 yrs you get a great proposal that is well worth the wait.


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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Feb 6, 2009 11:33 PM Go to message in response to: jana297

You're the only one who can answer that question. Obviously, marriage IS something you want.

Marriage isn't just a piece of paper -- it is legal recognition, and with that it brings legal benefits and protections. You're not on the loan or the deed. Something happens to him, YOU are out. He is hospitalized (or you are) and you can't see each other easily. Social security benefits -- continue for spouses, but not for girlfriends, for example.

But he does have what he wants -- he has you in his life, acting as his wife in all but name. You know what they say about the cow? (sorry... someone had to bring it up) This guy is comfortable. It's time to maybe shock him out of his comfort zone. Let him know you want to get married, that it is important to you -- and it is more than just a piece of paper -- but don't harp. Set a mental deadline -- and when that passes, start packing.

Misty

Visit our Wedding Website

C.A.T., P.O.O.P.

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shakinros Posts : 30 Registered: 1/5/09
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Feb 8, 2009 10:12 PM Go to message in response to: jana297

Hi. I feel for you. I've been with my now-fiance for 6 years too (lived together for 4.5 of those), and I supported him though a move and full-time school. I didn't tell him, but I had an internal deadline. I'm 28, and I had decided that around my 29th birthday we would have the ultimatum talk. Either we were getting engaged before I turn 30 or we would need to go our separate ways. I want a family, and I don't want to be 40 years old before I have my first kid.

Fortunately, we didn't get there. He proposed just after New Year's and we're planning a wedding. I can tell you that in hindsight, there were more cues that he was getting ready to propose in the month leading up to it. He actually looked when I showed him things in wedding magazines. We started talking about kids for the first time. Two good friends got engaged, and we spent a great deal of time talking weddings with them. I mention this just because I think you'll know if he's showing a real inclination towards marriage.

If you love him, that's great. But it's okay to want certain things from your life: marriage being one of them. Good luck.

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Feb 8, 2009 10:33 PM Go to message in response to: shakinros

I have a joke with a friend that if we aren't engaged or married by the time we are 25 (we both want to be young when we start our families) that we would marry each other.
When FH asked about the seriousness of the joke, I told him that a part of it is serious. That if he hadn't proposed by the time I was 25 which would have been 7 years of dating I would seriously be questionning our future together. At first he was hurt and offended by that, but when I kind of explained how if it turned out that I spent 7 years dating him, to him not proposing and eventually needing to find somebody else and getting married, it probably wouldn't be until I was around 30 which is just not how I see my life going. Of course I explained to him that I can't see myself finding anybody else and that he is my soul mate and the true love of my life. He just got so into the moment that he completely committed to getting married right then there.

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Shiybaby Posts : 20 Registered: 8/1/08
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Feb 9, 2009 1:02 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

Hello there....
I will probably get slammed a little for this. I feel like it needs to be said. In his mind, if you were "the one" he would have asked you by now. I know it sounds awful. But I believe it is true. Maybe he is not ready, maybe he is scared. But that is not a reason for you to wait that "maybe, possibly, someday" he will be ready. You deserve to have someone who is so excited to be with you and loves you so much he can not wait to get married to you. That is the love you should have, not one that is on the fence for six years. I hope that this doesn't sound cold...but I thinkyou deserve better.
Good luck!
Ok begin the flamming!

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photogirlie Posts : 1 Registered: 8/12/09
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Aug 12, 2009 9:00 AM Go to message in response to: jana297

RUN!!! I am in the same situation. I have found an apartment and I am packing this week. I think all of the excusses are just plain bull crap. It is a total insult to me that he hasnt put a ring on my finger and you should feel the same way.
I am so tired of playing house with out any of the legal benifits. I would have been insulted when he didnt put my name on the house . If he doesnt ask you within 6mnths move on and never look back. I kept extending my dealines with my BF for empty promises. Dont make the same mistake. I could have already found my soulmate and been married in the amount of time I have been wasting on this commitment phobic jerk.
Best of luck to you , you are worth more and deserve what you want and feel is important to you in your life.

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Revenwyn Posts : 48 Registered: 4/26/07
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Aug 13, 2009 6:18 PM Go to message in response to: photogirlie

There are several things that I see wrong with this situation:

First you say you have been living together for six years. I assume, if you're living together, you're also having sex. Now I'm not going to make this a premarital sex issue, but I will say that men are wired a lot differently than women are in this regard.

For us women, sex is not enough. We want the security of knowing we are loved, cared for, and preferably married. We think that if we give them sex, they will eventually marry us. Men are different. Many times they don't really want the relationship so much as what they can get out of a relationship. Sometimes when they've gotten what they wanted, and it's gotten boring, so they move on to the next conquest. That may be why he left you off of the house papers. Other times, they find their hearts have unwittingly gotten involved.

Sex is one of those things. It's the ultimate. As long as the sex is good he'd probably stay with you if there aren't major compatibility issues. But he probably had no intention of looking for a life long partner when the two of you moved in together, and now he's confused because he can finally see that the two of you might make that.

Considering all this (at this point I would say my personal opinion is to wait to move in until after you're married, but you're past that junction already) I would give one piece of advice. Move out, and possibly see about not having sex for a while at least. Then you will see if he wants you for you, or for the sex. If that puts him off, then he doesn't want you, and doesn't want to marry you. But if it spurs him to fight for you to come back, and he's willing to take you on your terms, (hopefully without the sex) then he's ready to marry you and will probably pop the question to get you back. Just don't make the mistake of moving back in, or he may think, "I've got what I wanted, now I don't need to marry her anymore."


Just my 2 cents.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Hoping and praying our day will come soon.

 

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tellyy Posts : 27 Registered: 10/31/06
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Oct 9, 2009 8:33 PM Go to message in response to: jana297

SIX YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why bother its like you are married alredy

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Oct 9, 2009 10:20 PM Go to message in response to: tellyy

Except they aren't. Regardless this thread is MONTHS old and the OP never came back.

 

 

 

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wzq103 Posts : 1,190 Registered: 9/11/12
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Sep 19, 2012 2:55 PM Go to message in response to: jana297

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