Crossroads

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Crossroads
Posted: Jan 12, 2009 6:30 PM

Well I feel like I am stuck. Back in Oct, most people in my dept at work got promotions which was fantastic. Part of my job desc but to have more opportunities to travel. Mostly to my territories, (Europe and Latin America) to recruit students and such. Of course there is A LOT more to my job but that is on the list. Then I find out the woman I work with is preggers so my boss says "keep your schedule open since she won't be traveling anymore". Well I've kept it open and I find out today that most of the planned trips are already covered by other people....

This upsets me because DH and I wanna start a family and agreed to wait til the end of 2009 to think about it (read: try) because of the opportunities I might get this year. And now that it seems like I won't be getting ANY or very little, why the heck are we waiting?

So now I dont know what to do, aside talk to my boss about it. I dont know how much pull she has but it won't hurt to talk to her. But I guess I am just feeling like, if I were a man, then this wouldn't even be an issue. I could just try to have a baby, hop on a plane to Colombia, come back...and then go on with my life. But being a woman, I feel like I really need to make a choice (at least at this stage with getting pregnant and eventually having a little baby) and I don't like it!

Would I be throwing my job away if I get pregnant? Would I be missing out? Is the end result worth missing out on these opportunites?

UGH. I don't know what I am asking for.......anyone else ever deal with this?

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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luvathena Posts : 929 Registered: 12/10/07
Re: Crossroads
Posted: Jan 13, 2009 2:37 AM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

I was going to try to answer this earlier but I ran out of time, and I figured you east coast ladies are asleep now anyway, so I waited until I got back from dance so I have time to think this one through. And I apologize if this is really long and full of too much of my history. But it's the only way I know how to answer your question.

First of all- What the hell is up with them giving all the assignments to others???? That sucks. And you can travel while you are pregnant until the last month. It's after the baby comes that requires the finess of a fine sculpter. Trying to weave the perfect combination of home and work time...ah...if you figure it out, let me know. I battled that for many years.

OK- let's talk practical. Adding a child into a job that requires travel is a tricky thing to do. You have to have someone at home who you are comfortable leaving your child with for extended periods of time (hopefully hubby), and who is supportive of you being gone. AND you have to be ready for a ton of guilt while you are gone. (I should be there, I'm missing baby's first words, etc.). I've always worked, and ended up modifiying my career so I could actually be there with my kids during part of their awake hours. And after I divorced I had to figure out how to do it all myself, and keep them from feeling like they were missing out. (Add divorce guilt to working parent guilt and it had it can be pretty overwhelming if you let it.)


Then add the usual twists and turns that life throws at you- and you will constantly feel like you are walking a tight rope. I wanted to be the one who raised them, not babysitters. AND I had a son who was beyond normal difficult and I could only leave him with a few people, (think Dennis the Menace) so I limited my after work activites to ones I absolutly had to for work, or I could take my kids to. After my daughter was born I wanted to stay home- but I think it was the hormone's talking cause I probably would have been ready for the padded room after a few months of being home. The advantage of dragging my kids with me everywhere is that they grew up accustomed to adult situations, and to talking to adults. (A Chamber of Commerce Dinner was no a social snap for my gregarious daughter)

I don't think my kids ever felt that I put them second because I worked so hard at trying to make them feel how much I loved them, and wanted to be involved in their lives. I took them to all their lessons, and was a girl scout leader and would stop my day to run a forgotten book to school- or bring the cupcakes to class that they forgot to tell me they were supposed to bring. BUT OH MY GOD! IT WAS EXHAUSTING! I brought work home and worked every night until after midnight, and then was up at 6 to make lunches, do laundry etc. and do it all again.

When they say you can have it all, they lie. Something has to give. For me, it was my sleep and sanity. I was our sole support so I had to work. Besides I had this great job and I loved it! But I loved being part of my kids' lives so I tried to do that too. I fell off the edges from time to time-missing appts. forgetting to pick them up, missing a deadline. And I gave up all other adult pleasures (except my wine) for a long time. My kids are now grown and in college. My career is flying high, and I finally allowed myself to have a man back in my life. I'm very content with where I am now.

So- I guess my bottom line is- everything is choices. Babies are incredible. But they require your attention and time, so something has to give for awhile. Jobs come and go. Children are for life. Good luck.

Maggie and Tom-8-31-08

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Crossroads
Posted: Jan 13, 2009 9:06 AM Go to message in response to: luvathena

Thanks for that. It helps to hear from someone who was in my shoes.

I dont think I'd travel once I had a baby, at least not for a few years. And especially if that part of our job desc is not coming to fruition. I guess I am just scared of missing out when I do have a family. Also what's tough is that there are only a handful of women who are married and/or have kids in my dept. (at least in my same position) so sometimes I feel like I am the only one who is dealing with this.

I think my generation was brought up thinking we CAN have it all, when all we really have now is choices! And for someone like me who is so indecisive, choices aren't always the best!

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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ChrissLady Posts : 1,352 Registered: 4/5/06
Re: Crossroads
Posted: Jan 14, 2009 11:38 AM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

I'm dealing with the same thing right now. DH is graduating from school in December and plans to join the military. We will eventually have to move once he gets his orders, and I was thinking maybe the transition would be the perfect time to have a baby. I will have to find a new job when we move, so if I'm already pregnant, at least then I won't have to worry about being somewhere 2 months and then finding out I'm pregnant. The only problem is that I'm afraid of giving up my pre-baby life. I like taking spur of the moment trips and seeing my neices 2 or 3 times a year and giving them back! :) I worry what my life will be like after kids. I hear of so many people losing themselves after they have kids. You know "the world revolves around Jr." types. I don't know if I could handle that. Being a mother would be great and all, but I'm also a wife and a woman. I can't lose either of those because all of a sudden I'm a mother. Hey, maybe I'm too selfish to have a kid right now.

Ama, it's one of those things you talk to DH about and do it or don't do it. I'm try not to agonize over it, but it's hard. I always pictured my life with children until I got to the child bearing age. Now I'm not so sure. If starting a family is what you want to do, you will make it work. At least it will be planned and not something that just happened. That would really throw a wrench into your plans.

 

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Re: Crossroads
Posted: Sep 27, 2012 6:34 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

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