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MARRIAGE/SEX QUESTION-What Would YOU Do?

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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
MARRIAGE/SEX QUESTION-What Would YOU Do?
Posted: Jan 4, 2009 10:07 AM

Hello Girls (and Guys)!

I normally wouldn't post in the NWR section but this section is viewed most and I really would like your opinions on the following.

A very interesting topic came up while my husband and I were out to dinner last night with another married couple. I really had to think about this one. This is a scenario but it's something to think about.

You love your husband dearly, but for whatever reason, you've lost all interest in sex. Just don't care for it, don't want to partake. Up to that point, you and your husband have both had somewhat "fulfilling" and intimate relations. Everything is great in your marriage-except for your lack of sexual desire. You've exhausted all possible options of health issues with the doctor.

1. Do you lovingly tell your husband to go somewhere else to "release his needs" or do you;

2. Expect him to stay with you, even though you've absolutely no interest in sex? After all, you made your vows and you ARE married.

There are many debatable facets in connection with both answers.

Is this a non-issue with you; i.e., you assume that in the marriage no matter what happens, neither party goes elsewhere, through sickness and in health?

You want your husband to be happy, yet, without sex, he will be miserable-and you know this. Is that fair to him? So where's the love? Do you love him so much that you'd be willing to let him run with someone else to keep him happy sexually?

In my personal opinion, I think the husband who wants to run to have sex elsewhere places too much emphasis and importance on sex.

Now let's flip it over and say your husband has lost all the sexual interest. Not in you particularly, but sex in general. Again, I would do my best to keep him happy, but I wouldn't personally feel the need to go somewhere else. I think it would be extremely selfish, even if he invited me to go elsewhere; I'd be hurt, I guess.

It would be a dealbreaker for me, I think either way. I think that sex should stay in the marriage, whether it's there or not. Other than that, I can't picture my husband (or me) running elsewhere because I (or he) can't get it at home.

What do you all think?



july_2008 , new_hampshire
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: MARRIAGE/SEX QUESTION-What Would YOU Do?
Posted: Jan 4, 2009 10:41 AM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

Dear Linda Jo,

In any relationship, marriage, relatives, friendship, and in any issue affecting that relationship it is the difference between the two people's positions that matter.

It does not matter where they lie on some measurement scale, but how far apart they are.

As an example, let's say a couple disagrees about watching The Simpsons. One enjoys it, the other does not.

There are all kinds of ways the couple can come to a mutually acceptable compromise. One watches it, the other does not. They watch it together, but one reads a magazine during the program. They watch it every other week. They record it on Tivo, then one watches while the other is not at home. They both cease watching it. They both watch it together. They watch it together, one wearing noise-cancelling headphones to blur the "this is so stupid" comments from the other.

If, however one says "There will be no Simpson watching in this house, ever." and the other says "I must have The Simpsons no matter what.", there is no common ground. This could be a deal-breaker.

In the case of your couple, they need to decide what they can live with and what is a deal-breaker. There are many alternatives. Some good for that couple, some bad for that couple.

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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: MARRIAGE/SEX QUESTION-What Would YOU Do?
Posted: Jan 4, 2009 11:04 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Good Morning, Aunt.

So you're generally saying that it's all up to that couple - to either agree on something mutual or to agree and "go out"?

I agree. I just hope I am never faced with an issue like that.



july_2008 , new_hampshire
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WinterWonderlan... Posts : 659 Registered: 8/23/08
Re: MARRIAGE/SEX QUESTION-What Would YOU Do?
Posted: Jan 4, 2009 12:58 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

"For better & worse, in sickness & health"

Just because things are on the worse side doesn't mean you should go get it elsewhere.

RanAway2Maine I completely agree with you that a husband who feels that his entire happiness depends on sex is putting a little too much importance on it.

However, just because one member of the relationship isn't interested in sex, doesn't mean she can't have. I have no interest in sports what so ever, however occasionally I watch it to make FH happy. That member could occasionally have sex to make hubby happy, or maybe instead of sex explore other areas of fulfilling his needs.

Cheating (and theres no way you can not call it cheating. Even if the spouse is perfectly okay with it and knows about it, its still cheating) in my opinion, is not the answer. If I was in that situation and DH felt that he wanted to go elsewhere to fulfill his sexual needs, I would tell him to find his own home as well.


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july_2008 , december_2009 , new_hampshire
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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: MARRIAGE/SEX QUESTION-What Would YOU Do?
Posted: Jan 4, 2009 2:58 PM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...


If I was in that situation and DH felt that he wanted to go
elsewhere to fulfill his sexual needs, I would tell him to find his own
home as well.


Yup! Me, too!


july_2008 , december_2009 , new_hampshire
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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: MARRIAGE/SEX QUESTION-What Would YOU Do?
Posted: Jan 4, 2009 4:59 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

This goes back to a discussion we had a while back. I think if a couple does not have other areas where they are fullfilled with heach other in the relationship there is a problem. A couple that builds their whole relationship around sex is going to have problems when there is no sex. I think if a person male or female has to go outside of the marriage to find fulfillment they are not in the marriage for the right reasons.

If for some reason one of us should decide to give up sex completely, I have faith that the other would understand and be fine without sex in the marriage. We have so many other things going on I don't believe it would be an issue

Kenny and Me Perfect Together,  10 years and counting.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: MARRIAGE/SEX QUESTION-What Would YOU Do?
Posted: Jan 4, 2009 7:10 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

I agree that "for better or for worse" means "for better or for worse", not "for better and when things don't suck too bad" :P. If he wanted to go someone else for sex, he'd also be finding his own home.

That said, I'd also not freak out if he had some, er, "alone time" in the bathroom, if you catch my drift :P

That said, even if I lots all interest in sex, I don't think that means I would refuse to EVER have sex with him, or refuse to engage in ANY sexual acts with him. No interest doesn't mean incapable, and I would probably give it a go, and I think he'd do the same. As long as no one is getting stressed about it.

There is also the scenerio in which someone literally can NOT engage in sexual intercourse anymore (say a man who is partially paralyzed, and therefore can not hold an erection). In that case, I think you can find other ways to be "loving" that don't involve intercourse.

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

have_a_good_life
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08divabride Posts : 832 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: MARRIAGE/SEX QUESTION-What Would YOU Do?
Posted: Jan 4, 2009 7:34 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

Wow, I honestly don't believe what I would do if that happened!

I feel like when something goes wrong in your marriage, you can't run outside of it to find relief. I believe you must work together to find some medium, thus the definition of compromise!

I feel like you can never say what you would do unless you are in that situation!

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september_2008 , july_2008 , georgia , new_hampshire
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: MARRIAGE/SEX QUESTION-What Would YOU Do?
Posted: Jan 4, 2009 9:25 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

Dear Linda Jo,

"So you're generally saying that it's all up to that couple - to either agree on something mutual or to agree and "go out"? "

How a particular couple solves a particular issue to their mutual satisfaction and consent is their business and not mine. I can't condone illegal activity, though.

In the case of sexual relations outside the marriage, it would also be the business of the third party.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: MARRIAGE/SEX QUESTION-What Would YOU Do?
Posted: Jan 4, 2009 9:37 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

Dear Linda Jo,

On further reflection, I think we're talking about Deal Breakers.

What is a deal-breaker for me? For you? For someone else?

Everyone has their deal-breakers. For most of us, yes, it would be cheating. Most of us would toss our husbands out the door if we discovered cheating.

But, there are others. Personally, a deal-breaker for me would be smoking. I detest smoking.

For others, it might be numbers of children (zero to whatever) that could be a deal-breaker. Or support though higher education, or desire to own and operate a small business.

Sex is part of life. It's an important part of life, but it's just one part of life. There are plenty of other things a couple might find deal-breakingly objectionable about each other.

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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: MARRIAGE/SEX QUESTION-What Would YOU Do?
Posted: Jan 5, 2009 10:54 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I agree with everybody. I'd sure like to hear from a man who places high values on sex to see what he would have to say!



july_2008 , new_hampshire
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LilTuffGirl Posts : 301 Registered: 11/4/08
Re: MARRIAGE/SEX QUESTION-What Would YOU Do?
Posted: Jan 5, 2009 2:26 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

I would have MAJOR issues with my man finding someone else..
but then again i'm the type who will have sex even if I don't want it at that time.

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True love never lives happily ever after - true love has no ending

july_2008 , new_hampshire , august_2009 , west_virginia
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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: MARRIAGE/SEX QUESTION-What Would YOU Do?
Posted: Jan 5, 2009 3:03 PM Go to message in response to: LilTuffGirl

Yup, me too! I make him happy even when I don't feel like it. But I can't imagine myself ever in that position, either. Like 08diva said, I wouldn't know what to do unless the I found myself in that situation.



july_2008 , new_hampshire , august_2009 , west_virginia
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DoesntPlayNice Posts : 809 Registered: 12/17/08
Re: MARRIAGE/SEX QUESTION-What Would YOU Do?
Posted: Jan 5, 2009 4:38 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

Deleted

Sorry this may get a bit annoying but I must remove anything I posted that might be "questionable" for my career. I hope you understand!


Edited by: DoesntPlayNice on Mar 4, 2010 8:14 AM

july_2008 , may_2009 , texas , new_hampshire , august_2009 , west_virginia
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Destiny123 Posts : 519 Registered: 5/5/08
Re: MARRIAGE/SEX QUESTION-What Would YOU Do?
Posted: Jan 7, 2009 8:52 PM Go to message in response to: DoesntPlayNice

Hmmm.... what would I do? I would compromise. FH and I have actually discussed this. It stemmed from a convo we were having about gasp his sex life with his ex wife. Their marriage wasn't great (for MANY reasons) and that led to a lack of sex life. I mean, once a YEAR. Then she decided she wanted a child, and became a sex psycho, every day, 7 pm, the house needs to be 71 degrees, we need to do it like this, etc etc. And sex went from NOT HAPPENING, to NOT ENJOYABLE. He told me "Des, I'd rather not have sex at all, than have that kind of sex." I couldn't help but laugh. I used to think any guy would answer the opposite. Ya know, as long as they were getting some. lol.

It's been made quite clear that if I don't want sex when he does, we don't have to do it. I however, refuse to be like that. I know there are times I want sex and it's at a bad time, FH is tired, stressed, sick, lots of reasons he SHOULD say no. And if he does, I am disappointed. I can't help it. I don't want him to feel like that. So when he wants it, he gets it. Even if it's the middle of the dang night and all I want to do is sleep. I enjoy him being happy, I'll do it even when I'd rather be doing anything else. He has seen this happen. He knows when he's waking me up, I'm not a happy camper, but I'll get into it and enjoy it, and be happy. So. He no longer turns me down either. lol. So, we compromise now. And if, God forbid, one day one of us has NO desire for it... we'll compromise then too....

We were in the truck on our way home last night and the DJ on the radio asked a question that really made me think.... she said "ok... think about this one. Which would you forgive your mate for? A one night stand, or a full blown affair?" My first response was "NEITHER." But then I sat and thought about it. And I spoke my mind to FH. I told him that if I had to choose between the two, I'd rather he have a one night stand. (READ:I AM IN NO WAY OK WITH CHEATING. But of the 2 options, that's the one I'd feel LESS miserable about, by a FRACTION lol) I think full blown affairs include serious feelings from the heart. The 2 involved have a lot of time to THINK about what they're doing. And they obviously have some sort of feelings for each other. Major or not. They're there. One night stands... drunken nights... there isn't days, months, YEARS of thoughts there. Just minutes. Hours maybe? I'm not really sure. But really, I couldn't forgive that either. And the thought makes me sick to my stomach. So, then FH gave his opinion. And he completely agreed with me. But, as I listened to callers on the radio, they all disagreed. They didn't air their arguments while we were listening, we were almost home. But really... for arguments sake... why would you rather your SO have a full blown affair? Your thoughts?

kansas , june_2009
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