Non-monogamous couples thread

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Dec 3, 2008 6:40 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

As the OP, I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who responded to this thread, and I do mean everyone. There was a lot of good information and dialogue going back and forth. It got me learning and thinking, and that's never a bad thing, right? ;-)

I wish you all the best with your marriages. Your husbands are lucky, lucky men.

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dryden5 Posts : 330 Registered: 2/4/08
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Dec 19, 2008 5:58 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

Okay so I know I am late on this thread but I had to find it after reading that this was the most shocking of Nala's responses....
I have to say if you and your DH choose to live this lifestyle then that is your choice. No one else should be affected by this. And where is this considered child abuse? Are you implying because they choose this lifestyle then they would flont it infront of their children in an inappropriate way? If you want to push this as child abuse there are so many things people do that some could find as abuse that is as ludicrous sounding as this....for instance feeding an overweight child happy meals. I mean come on.
I guess my point is if someone chooses to live their lives this way as long as they don't pursue you and your DH if its not your thing why care?
myspace wedding countdown

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futureMrsD Posts : 155 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Dec 22, 2008 9:10 PM Go to message in response to: dryden5

This is definitely a late response, but I was so fascinated by this thread I just had to weigh in.

First of all, this IS something my DH and I have discussed, and while we don't think this is something we're interested in right now, we do acknowledge that it is something that could come up down the road. I was surprised no one commented on Heidi's post (the girl who said she'd be involved with a man who was married to a woman who wasn't interested at all in sex, but their marriage was great in all other ways.)

Do all of you "it's not for us" ladies honestly think that there is NO WAY you'll EVER be in a place where one of you might lose your interest in sex? That after say, thirty years of awesome sex with your husband, that maybe somehow chemically or biologically, you just won't feel as sexual as you do now in the honeymoon phase of your marriage? Or maybe it'll be your husband - maybe he won't be interested in sex any more at a certain point, and YOU'll be the one who's still all hot to trot.... I ask you this: is it better to A) live with a sexless marriage, no matter how miserable it makes one of the partners, B) have one of those partners secretly cheat, or C) have a sanctioned "go-to" person who is an approved sex partner outside of the marriage?

If 30 years from now your husband was thinking about divorcing you because he was only getting it a couple times a year, would you rather have a non-monogomous relationship under those circumstances?

I don't mean to attack anyone by this AT ALL but I just thought I'd open up another angle on the topic.

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MrsMcCain Posts : 580 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Dec 24, 2008 11:12 AM Go to message in response to: futureMrsD

Hey MrsD- I haven't commented on this thread for a few weeks but I thought I would respond to your late message.


I think that if I was ever going to do something like this I would want to do it when I'm younger. I think that if I was married 30 years and my husband decided that he was "bored" with our sex life that I would be devasted and hurt beyond belief. I think that if you have been married 30 years then you should be stable at that point with that one person. Sure, statistically sex decreases when you get older and get more comfortable with eachother, but that does not mean that you should resolve to getting in bed with someone else. If my husband ever cheats on me because he is dissatisfied with our sex life then I will have to leave him, that would be absolutely horrible. Again, if he came to me and said he feels like he is dissatisfied with our sex life then I would do what I can to fix the problem and make him more happy.


I was honestly surprised at how many women said that they might be ok with this down the road. The whole "it's human thing" is one excuse but I dont' think I would personally be able to handle it, no matter how much I pretended to. I would get jealous and most likely think that something was wrong me with and wonder how my husband and I ended up down this road.


Bottom line, it's unhealthy to be in relationships like this. I think that if you are not in love with your husband or the person you are with then maybe your relationship can survive. I cannot differentiate sex between love. I know most men can't, but I end up having feels for people that I have slept with. It just happens. I don't understand why anyone would expose themselves to the possibility that their spouse could end up falling in love with someone else that they are sleeping with on the side. If your sex life is so terrible that you feel the only way to fix it is to sleep with other people- knowingly, then I honestly think there are deeper issues in your marriage. Sleeping with other people should not be a solution to an unhappy sex life. There is counseling and there is always ways to spice it up. I am deeply bothered by people's comments that "well me might do this if our sex life goes down the drain." My question is why are you married then? Just don't be married and then go screw whoever you want to.


I know other people's decisions like this do not directly affect me, but it does disappoint me that so many people think that these relationships are healthy and normal.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Dec 24, 2008 2:08 PM Go to message in response to: MrsMcCain

I don't really sense that people are saying these relationships are great, they just seem to be saying 'who am I to judge' because they don't affect me. I get that.

However, no I wouldn't consider it, and that includes now or ever. I would work on things with my DH if sex became an issue with us...can't see that happening though. However, if he didn't want to work on it but instead, preferred to do sanctioned cheating, then I guess my option then would be divorce. And, I know myself well enough to know that I could not live iwth it. If I did it, it would haunt me and would destroy my relationship/marriage. It would be the beginning of the end. My DH and I have talked about this too, and for him, the emotional ramifications of acting on something like this would permanently hurt our marriage, that's not something either of us would do.

And, previously, he did live in a sexless marriage. For about 4 years they had sex 4 times. He didn't cheat. He was hurt by it of course, and didn't understand it, but never thought he should go elsewhere due to it. It did help lead to their eventual divorce though. And, I would not have married him if he was any other way, been there done that and won't ever again.

Should othe rpeople? who cares? I don't. This is much like the discussion with my SIL about gay marriage. She is morally opposed, so, DH told her then don't marry a lesbian. duh. I don't understand the thinking that says 'we' all must be governed by some group's purported 'moral' values. Who makes those morals THE morals anyway? A church? A priest? A preacher? A book? well, that's just not for us, we live what we believe in and for us, that's monogamy. And like a couple of others, no, it's not hard for me, it's not work for me, I honestly don't think about sleeping with someone else. It is not tempting at all, and I really don't believe it ever will be...because I love my husband and that is the only man I want. Period. My sexual desires really are only directed at my DH to occur with my DH. I find that extraordinarily easy, actually.

The nude beach topic...haha. I knew a couple many years ago who did that, and he had pictures. Most were super old people walking around naked all saggy. And yes, it was visually gross to me. I do not find it attractive at all, and there is absolutely no way I"d walk around naked. just icky to me to do that. Do I care if others do it? Nope. Not as long as they don't try to make me do it.

The only non m onogamous thing with a couple that I would find offensive is being asked/pressured to participate. That happened in my first marriage, and the question was n ot asked of me but rather my ex, and he didn't say hell no. That was offensive, that they asked him and that he didn't say no. But not surprising, my ex was an abusive jerk and to him, tgat would have been great. In no way would I have done that with or for him, though. Ever. Not that what I wanted or was comfortable with was ever of interest to my Ex! eeewww, that was not a fun memory.

Mostly, I appreciate myy DH and am truly happy that I'm with someone now who shares my desires and beliefs and who I know I can trust. Quite simply, monogamy is a n on issue with us.

This thread is totally interesting though!!!!!

Edited by: cyndi33 on Dec 24, 2008 12:23 PM

Edited by: cyndi33 on Dec 24, 2008 12:31 PM

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Dec 25, 2008 10:39 PM Go to message in response to: futureMrsD

FutureMrs.D - I think I love the fact that you revived this thread again. Maybe I'm a masocist. hehe

I think that it would be GREAT if my partner and I stayed exactly the same for the next 30 years, or even if we changed in the exact same way, but I understand that is probably not how it will happen. Yes, I would want to work on it however I could, but does that mean that it always solves the problem? Probably not. If I just don't want to have sex anymore, chemically or biologically or whatever, and he is raring to go then that's not making me feel good or him. I would rather retain the best-friends part of the marriage than lose it all because of an issue with sex. Now, of COURSE there would be boundaries, like i would want it to be someone who knows he's married (duh) and is perhaps in a similar situation. And I would want it to be someone I could be friends with too, that has been tested for std's (just because I dont' want to have sex now doesn't mean I won't want to ever again. lol) Anyway... stuff like that. But i'm also thinking that if I love this man, and in this hypothetical world I don't want to have sex with him, that I'm able to seperate love and sex, just as I would expect him to be able to do.

Also while I was reading responses I was thinking that it really looked like the previous posters were certainly thinking within the "one man, one woman" mentality when they were saying that "aren't you afraid he'd fall in love?" Opening the mind to the idea that it's okay that he loves two people, and that you're both equal and as long as both are consenting adults to the situation it's okay. It's very difficult emotionally, but if it's what is going to work for you that's okay too.


IMG_7875.jpg picture by sarahandchris2008

10/26/08 

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chicochik Posts : 236 Registered: 10/16/08
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 3:52 AM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

ahhh it is nearly 3 in the morning and I have read this entire thread.

One time Fh and I experimented. We were dating for around a year and had a foursome with another couple. Mostly there was just girl on girl action because we were not comfortable with intercourse. To be honest, it was fun and exhilarting but I doubt I would do anything like that in my marriage.

Hypothetical situations:

If he asked me after many years of marriage, I would because I wouldn't want to lose him over sex. I don't know if I would particpate though, if anything a foursome or threesome would be my preferance. This topic is one that I think that FH and i will discuss now.

If he were unable to have sex I would not seek another partner because dildos were invented and to be honest, my orgasms come from my clit! I would be sure to recieve plenty oral sex.

Nude beaches=old naked people=gross. My Fh has a hot body, but a smallish penis so he would be too embaressed. I'm too chubby to get naked in front of so many people.

New question for all you ladies:
Strip clubs. Has your man ever been to one, does that make you uncomforable? Would you go?

Mine has been, it does not make me uncomforatble because I enjoy watching porn and such and the bars here do not allow touching. I would go with FH and have fun. I have hinted above that I enjoy female attention and FH thinks it is sexy. This would not be an issue in my relationship.

I don't care where he gets his appitite as long as he eats at home. The same goes for checking people out discretly, porn, and so on. I draw the line at intimacy such as flirting or touching.


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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 1:38 PM Go to message in response to: chicochik

"Strip clubs. Has your man ever been to one, does that make you uncomforable? Would you go?"

I find the concept of strip clubs deplorable (though I totally respect a woman's right/decision to work there, because I KNOW it pays and some people really need that). Honestly, I don't know many people who go to strip clubs who aren't "low-class", excluding people on this forum. So maybe that makse be more biased?

I have never been to one (and frankly, I think maybe I should just to see them, once). I'm only 24, and have only been to a couple of bacherlorette parties, none of which involved strip clubs. As much as I don't like the idea of them, I would still go if it is what my friend wanted for her party.

As for my husband...when he was younger (18, 19 years old) he used to go all the time, and he says thinking about it makes him feel "dirty" (yeah, I know, he's growing ovaries as we speak). If he came to me and said "Hey, we're going to a strip club now, bye". Yes, I'd be ticked. One, because it would indicate a change in him (since he is currently very anti-strip club) and two, I can't imagine any of his good friends asking him to go, only the ones who I feel aren't great influences on him (i know that doesn't sound fair, but I'm sorry, when your single co-worker talked to you about how having a child is going to ruin his life, I am going to have trouble respecting him).

HOWEVER...again, if it was for a friend's bachelor party, for example, I would be okay with him going . But I don't think he'd go. He really doesn't like them.

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 2:21 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Strip clubs don't bother me because they are purely fantasy. I dont' think it's much different than watching porn, just a LOT more expensive. lol I've also been to some really "dirty" stip clubs and some that are really high class. I think I've been to a total of maybe 3 or 4. The really classy ones will actually cater to couples, so if you go in and it's a bunch of guys by themselves and no one's talking, you're probably in one of the not-so-classy ones. lol

Obviously, I don't have a problem with them. As a woman in those places, you're practically treated like GOLD. In the higher class ones, women actually don't pay to get in when accompanying a man (in order to encourage them being there, I suppose). Most of the girls I've witnessed ADORE having women there, you get a whole lot of attention if you sit up near the front. It was a huge turn on for my husband and I when we went.



IMG_7875.jpg picture by sarahandchris2008

10/26/08 

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Heidibride30 Posts : 1,201 Registered: 4/16/08
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 2:45 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

Strip clubs don't really bother me all that much. FH isn't overly interested, he thinks they're too expensive. I asked him if he's having a stripper at his bachelor party and he said no way, LOL. But if he was at a friend's bachelor party and there was a stripper or it was at a strip club, I wouldn't really care. I know that he's coming home to me, so if someone else wants to start his engine, that's fine with me.

 

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ryanne Posts : 1,042 Registered: 4/27/06
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 3:55 PM Go to message in response to: Heidibride30

About the strip clubs.

I don't like them. Period. I've been to one to see if it was as bad as I thought them to be, and had a really interesting experience. We went with a group of friends for the birthday of one of them. He talked me into letting him buy my husband (then boyfriend) a dance. I went along with it--again to see if it was really all that bad. Seeing another woman all over him infuriated me. So after she moved along and the friend waved the other one on from my husband, I kicked off my shoes and jumped up on the table. And I stripped and danced. In front of a roomful of strangers, in front of my husband's friends. I didn't care--all I was thinking about was that he wasn't going to go home remembering the woman who danced on him. After a couple of minutes, someone whistled or something, and my husband kind of woke up and pulled me down and proceeded to make out with me--just to be sure that everyone knew who I was with. He hasn't been to a strip club since.

So here's my thing--and this goes for porn too. When my husband and I have sex, I want him to be wanting and thinking about ME. I don't want to feel like he's just using me to get off after someone or something else got him horny. And if porn or strippers were to happen before we had sex, I know for a fact that that's exactly how I would feel.


 

 

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DoesntPlayNice Posts : 809 Registered: 12/17/08
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Jan 5, 2009 2:19 PM Go to message in response to: ryanne

Deleted

Sorry this may get a bit annoying but I must remove anything I posted that might be "questionable" for my career. I hope you understand!


Edited by: DoesntPlayNice on Mar 4, 2010 8:13 AM

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elohcin2005 Posts : 2 Registered: 1/19/09
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 10:45 PM Go to message in response to: DoesntPlayNice

Ok so im new to this site and came across this thread and was surprised.
I was surprised at how many people in this world say they are open minded but still hold judgement on others.

Edited by: elohcin2005 on Jan 20, 2009 11:13 PM

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Jan 21, 2009 10:56 AM Go to message in response to: ryanne

yes!
go ryanne!!!

omg how far did you strip?

that=amazing!

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jennyR1 Posts : 1 Registered: 8/5/10
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Aug 5, 2010 4:13 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

It doesn't look like anyone has replied in awhile. I just found the thread and thought I would throw my 2-cents in. Let me say I am a Wedding Planner and now in a non-monogamous marriage. We are in our 14th year of a very happy marriage with 2 children. The non-monogamy started 2 years ago. I don't have an opinion about whether this is the way marriage is supposed to go. All I can say is it works for us. I went to a Christian College in Florida. I was raised by a Devout Christian family, and I remain so. So was my husband. I am sure many readers will doubt my religious beliefs because we are now non-monogamous. We are happily married, been through all kinds of financial difficulties with failed businesses, etc., and yet not once did we ever doubt or question our love for one another, or that we were monogamous and married for life. We still get that look in our eyes when we see one another, and I am just as much if not more in love with my husband today as I was when I married him.

About 3 years ago we started discussing our fantasies in the bedroom as a way to spice things up. Mine were romantic, his were dirty talk. :) Eventually he described me with another man and I freaked out in anger, disgust, and also jealousy because I immediately thought the next shoe would drop - that he wanted another woman! But over time, he simply explained that he didn't need more sex, or spiced up sex, or anything really, he WANTED the thrill of watching his wife. Nothing more. This eventually led about a year later to a drunken weekend getaway in which I made out with a young guy at a bar. Over time, that led to me dating about twice a month, and then the following month my husband going out with me and a "friend" and getting a hotel room for him to watch. Now I have a regular dating partner.

The results have been all over the place:
1) we have a mind-blowing sexual life.
2) I get to have alot of fun.
3) I do develop some feelings for the partner, but I am anchored in my marriage and nothing could change that.
4) Like my marriage bed, this form of entertainment and sexual fulfillment is NOT discussed with children.
5) It remains private.
6) jealousy was not an issue - since I provide the comfort for my husband.
7) a potential partner, beyond kissing, had to provide some health bona fides before anything else would occur.

Not for everyone, but an interesting part of our life. It will not be forever, it has risks, but it has been enjoyed in my marriage.

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