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Question about babies from those that have been there

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B2B999 Posts : 702 Registered: 12/7/07
Question about babies from those that have been there
Posted: Dec 22, 2008 3:55 PM

FH & I are getting married next September. We've discussed our future plans and have decided that we would like to start our family ASAP after we get married. We've been together a long time, known each other our whole lives, have been living together for over 2 years now, and own a home. We're financially stable with good jobs which provide us with good benefits, and in terms of our careers, this is a good point to start our family.

However, I am concerned because we would not have been married very long before we start trying. Has anyone else done this? Pros? Cons? Is being a wife really all that much different then being a live-in FW? Will we really need substantial time to adjust to that new role before we should think about adjusting to the role of parents? I want to give my family as strong a foundation as possible but really would like to start trying for kids soon after the wedding as I'd like to have my babies in my early 30's (which is where I'm looking at being) rather than waiting and then being in my late 30's when I've heard conception gets harder and the risks increase.
When is my wedding

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10042008Bride Posts : 82 Registered: 9/11/07
Re: Question about babies from those that have been there
Posted: Dec 22, 2008 4:58 PM Go to message in response to: B2B999

I would think you'd want to wait at least a little while to enjoy that glow of the honeymoon. Even if you've been living together for 2 years it will be a little different, feel a little different. I lived with my husband for 3 years before our wedding and it definitely felt different after we were married.

october_2008
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JosesGirl Posts : 582 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Question about babies from those that have been there
Posted: Dec 22, 2008 10:04 PM Go to message in response to: B2B999

We had been married for 7 months when we started trying to have a baby, and we were lucky enough to conceive after only one month of trying. We had been together for 4 and a half years and been living together since about 2 months into our relationship. I'm not going to say that you need to adjust to being a wife, because (at least for me) going from girlfriend/fiance living together with him to wife wasn't a big change. Wow...I can now legally call myself his wife.

BUT I will however say that you need to enjoy that alone time with your spouse before you consider having a baby. Once that baby is born, you no longer have a free moment to yourself....a shower becomes a luxury, and you're lucky if you're able to grab a quick bite to eat, especially during those first few months. You want a true test for the strength of your relationship with your spouse? If you can keep your marriage held together while you are caring for a newborn baby that is completely helpless and depends on you for EVERYTHING while you're sleep deprived, your hormones are changing, your husband is whining that he doesn't get nearly as much attention as he used to (let alone sex!), and you're battling post-partum depression, then your marriage can survive almost anything! My husband and I NEVER fought before our daughter was born, but caring for a newborn baby is so stressful and such a monumental life change that it almost drove us to seperation. Our daughter is 6 months old and we are JUST starting to be able to sneak a little time away for ourselves. We haven't fought in about 2 months and things are getting so much better as she is starting to become more independent and self-sufficient. Now don't get me wrong....I ADORE my daughter and the love I have for her and the pride I have in being her mother far outweigh the so-called "sacrifices" we've had to make. You won't fully understand what I'm talking about until you actually experience it for yourself, and I'm not trying to scare you away from having kids, but I just want you to know that it's not always rainbows and sunshine....(although that's true with anything in life.) Being a mother is the most stressful and exhausting thing I've ever done, but at the same time it is also the most rewarding....and I've never loved anyone as much as I love her or felt as much pride as I do when I look at her.

Good luck to you with whatever you may decide!

january_2007
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luckymebride Posts : 125 Registered: 12/7/08
Re: Question about babies from those that have been there
Posted: Dec 25, 2008 8:16 PM Go to message in response to: JosesGirl

That is so sweet josesgirl...and I totally agreed on that. My FH and I are actually talking about having babies after our wedding next yr too! We wanted to enjoy ourselves as husband and wife for awhile but we are not going to stress if we've became parents either. We do look forward in starting a family soon. Having a family is something that my FH and I have been dreaming of for awhile, I know I always wanted to be a mother and I can't wait for that someday. :) and you should be too!

northern_california , january_2007 , august_2009
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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Question about babies from those that have been there
Posted: Dec 28, 2008 6:35 PM Go to message in response to: luckymebride

I have a slightly different opinion.

Most people will tell you "Wait awhile, you want to enjoy being married first" because that is what THEY wanted/would want. You have to decide what is right for YOU.

I have two friends who had their babies (planned) BEFORE they even got married; they are happy as clams.

I have another friend who got pregnant (again, planned) right after her wedding. Again, happy as clams.

We started trying a few months after getting married, but it took us a year to be successful. We, personally, did NOT feel that we " needed" a bunch of time with just the two of us. And don't forget, a pregnancy is nine months long.

That said, I think it would be difficult to adjust to living together AND having a baby in the same year. So if you don't already live together, you might want to think harder about that (hubby and I did NOT live together before marriage, so in hindsight, it was probably better that it took us longer to get pregnant...never thought I'd ever say anything nice about my fertility problems!)

So in conclusion, it's best to remember that everyone is different. From my understandint, parenting is the most wonderful and also most difficult thing you will ever do. If YOU feel ready for it, that's all that matters. If not, wait!

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

northern_california , january_2007 , august_2009
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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Question about babies from those that have been there
Posted: Dec 29, 2008 4:27 PM Go to message in response to: B2B999

Well I dont have kids yet and am not pregnant, but I do understand the whole "enjoyig married life" and not in the way you may think.

The way I look at it is, I want to work out as many kinks as possible in my relaltionship before we take that step. Right now we're in a sex rut (sorry if its TMI) and its something we are currently working on. I couldnt imagine having a baby in the middle of the "rut" and then trying to find time AFTER the baby to work on it. Thats just one example. We also have some in law issues to deal with and hopefully put aside before we start a family.

So for me its really not about "enjoying married life" as most people think. Its about making sure my relationship with DH is 100% solid before having a kid.

And I do know lots of people who have gotten pregnant within the first year and are fine and I am sure I am just thinking too much into things. But the important part is the time is right at different times for everyone.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

october_2008 , central_new_jersey
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Question about babies from those that have been there
Posted: Dec 30, 2008 12:59 PM Go to message in response to: B2B999

Well, I don't have kids, but we've been married about 8 months now and there was literally no adjustment needed. We had been together 8 years before our wedding and lived together for one. After the wedding, it was basically, 'Well, that was fun. It's nice to be official now. Ok, back to normal life.' I won't say that everything is perfect (actually, DH is in a bit of a general rut, which makes him - insert sarcasm - sunshine and roses to live with lately, but it will pass). Anyway, for us, nothing's been different after our wedding, other than my name and a joint checking account (which I manage - and it makes things so much easier that I wish we did it AGES ago!) Our relationship has evolved as usual, of course, but no specific 'marriage-related' issues - good or bad - have come up. For us, everything is the same, other than the occasional 'hehe - he's my HUSBAND!' or the rare, 'Oh yeah - he's my HUSBAND now!'

So I think that we would have been fine getting pregnant right away - if we had wanted to, that is! My unofficial 'plan' is to wait 4-5 years, which would make me 32 or 33. If we end up with a 'surprise' earlier, I'm sure we'd be fine...but career-speaking, I'd rather wait a few years before taking maternity leave. There's just a lot of opportunity right now at work for me to get WAY ahead of colleagues in my age group, and I want to be there to take advantage of every opportunity. If things play out the way I plan, 4-5 years from now will be perfect. If not, I'll adjust the plan - it's not an 'official' plan, anyway! ;)

DaisypathWedding Ticker

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B2B999 Posts : 702 Registered: 12/7/07
Re: Question about babies from those that have been there
Posted: Dec 30, 2008 6:26 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I have heard from different people that we should wait, and other people that we should do it right away. We have lived together for 2 and 1/2 years, we own a house together (well I own it but it is "ours"), and really live like a married couple, even though we are not. I can't really imagine what is going to be all that much different once we are married that we're going to have to spend a substantial period of time settling in to.
Careerwise the perfect time for me to have a baby is sooner rather than later. I am in the initial portion of my job, and I will stay in that place until the guy I eventually replace burns out (its a risk in my profession and inevitable in some aspects of it) we're guesstimating 5 years before that happens. Then I'll take his position and they'll hire someone new for my position. His position is time consuming, and it would be impossible to take maternity leave after I take it. So it is ASAP on the babies, or no babies at all (which really isn't an option because I LOVE children and definitely want to be a mother). FH & I agree that we should start after the wedding, hell he mentioned to me the other night that we could start trying 3 months before the wedding since I probably wouldn't be showing by the wedding if it took.
All signs point to YES, but I have these voices around me saying "wait, you should enjoy being married for a while"
When is my wedding

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Question about babies from those that have been there
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 12:45 PM Go to message in response to: B2B999

B2B i think your situation is different though. If you and he were both moving out of your parents houses to live together the day after the wedding, then of course I think your best bet would be to wait and work out the living together thing first! DH and I only lived together for 6 months before we got married (after spending every weekend together that is) and nothing really changed when he moved in or after we were married. He just didnt leave on Sunday nights, which can be a blessing or a curse depending on how you look at it ;)

I think you put a lot of thought into it which is more than a lot of people do. Sometimes it stinks to HAVE To put so much thought into it. Once my SIL said, "you guys are making it sound like a business transaction" but when you're grown and have bills and everything else, it really is about more than just being in looooove.

Eh, start trying 2 months before....then REALLY go for it on the honeymoon! :)

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

october_2008 , central_new_jersey
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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Question about babies from those that have been there
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 1:02 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

B2B999 : the problem you are having is that you are listening to too many people. That was kinda the point I was trying to make (though I realize I didn't, at all, and I apologize, lol). Most people, by default, will say "enjoy being married first" because that is what MOST PEOPLE would want. But not everyone.

Especially in your situation where, as you said, you are already living like a married couple.

Here is what is more important: are you and your FH on the same page? That is what matters!

Remember that you could get pregnant the first cycle, or it could take a year or more. For us, we talked about "if it takes us awhile to get pregnant, will we regret waiting?" Our answer was yes (we were married just a couple months before we started trying...then we took a break when my husband switched jobs and panicked, then started trying again two months later). Also ask yourself "If we get pregnant right away, will it seem too soon?" If your answer it no, great. If your answer is "well, maybe", then you know to wait a bit.

Another suggestion: since you obviously want children sometime soon, now is the time to start learning about how your body works! You wouldn't believe how much stuff I didn't know prior to trying to get pregnant! Now, I realize my situation is a bit unique because I don't ovulate on my own and needed fertility drugs, but still...a great book to read is "Taking Charge of Your Fertility". Start reading now, and when you decide to try to conceive, you'll be fully prepared.

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

central_new_jersey , october_2008
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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Question about babies from those that have been there
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 1:06 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

"rather than waiting and then being in my late 30's when I've heard conception gets harder and the risks increase."

Another good point. I Certainly don't think that people should rush into having kids ONLY because of age, but when I heard people who are my age (24) saying "Oh, I think we'll wait ten years to start trying", I wonder if they realize just how difficult it can be at that age.

My husband and I wanted four children. (ha ha to that...combine this pregnancy with our fertility problems, we will consider ourselves blessed and done if we can have two healthy children). Because of a family history of a birth defect which increases with age, I told him that any children we have should be born before I turn 30. Now, we married young and finished school younger, so this worked for us. It certainly wouldn't work for lots of people.

Note: My mom had my sister at age 35 and me at age 37. They got married later in life, and my mom had very healthy pregnancies with no problems. So even people who wait can still get lucky

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

october_2008 , central_new_jersey
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Lilmisssouthern... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/12/08
Re: Question about babies from those that have been there
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 1:32 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

Ok... I am on the opposite side of this either way... I have a baby and im not married yet but will be in october... i do think that it is a good idea to live with someone before having a baby because thats the real part that takes adjusting to. Like PP said it does take nine months to have a baby and once that is over you have almost no alone time. Its important that you both realize how hard it is going to be for the first few months because you go from being two people who can go where you want when you want to 3 people now and you no longer get to do things your way. It puts stress on you very quickly even when you least expect it. I will say this... My son is my life and i wouldn't change anything about the way things were done but I still stress and I still dont get to do everything I want. I dont consider it a sacrifice I consider it an adjustment to my life... and it is a welcomed one at that. I think you have to discuss it between the two of you.. take into consideration everything that comes with a pregnancy and giving birth and having a newborn... For instance I think the hardest thing for my now ex bf was adjusting to my hormones and the changes in my attitudes and needs. he couldon't understand why I needed to sleep all the time or why i was upset about certain things. We had never discussed it in lengths because it wasn't something we were expecting...

Can't wait to be  a Mrs.

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virginia , october_2008 , october_2009 , central_new_jersey
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08divabride Posts : 832 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: Question about babies from those that have been there
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 2:50 PM Go to message in response to: B2B999

Hi B2B, there are a lot of good points made. I found out I was pregnant a month we got married! I was too through! We never lived together, but we have been together for 9 years. So there's really no difference in our relationship. We're just adjusting to living together, which isn't bad!

I said that to say everyone's situation is different. We did not plan our pregnancy, but since we are pregnant, we are happy, and we are taking the necessary steps to plan for our child.

If you and your husband feel like that is the best to start a family, then do so! You know what's best for your household.

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september_2008 , georgia
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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Question about babies from those that have been there
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 7:21 PM Go to message in response to: B2B999

It sounds like you're ready to have a kid, you sound stable enough. Me on the other hand, no way am I ready and I don't know if I will ever be ready. Kids sound like a pain for me lol. They wake you up in the middle of night, you have no free time, you always have to find a sitter, and so much more!
                              


connecticut , october_2010
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soontobemrsnye Posts : 240 Registered: 3/2/08
Re: Question about babies from those that have been there
Posted: Jan 1, 2009 8:58 AM Go to message in response to: B2B999

I got married in September and we got pregnant on our honeymoon. Yes it was planned and we were so fortunate to have concieved so quickly. The only answer is to do what you think is best for you. If you are second guessing yourself, maybe you aren't ready. We were together for 5 years and I am almost 29 and well you know how the saying goes, the older you get the more complications. For me, married life is the same as unmarried life. Nothing has changed and I knew it wouldn't. If you are financially prepared and want kids, I don't see why not. You do what you want and don't listen to evreyone else. I had a friend telling me to wait a year.....I was like...why? I think it's because he is still single and knew he would miss us going out with him. Plus, you never know when you're going to concieve, it may take you a few months to a year. My sister had a hard time and it took her more than a year, so I say go for it. There is never a "good time", something in your life may always pop up. Getting pregnant is such an amazing thing that not all woman can experience and you sound like your life is stable and ready for a child. Good luck!!


Just Married and loving it!

 

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september_2008 , illinois_chicago
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