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pattyjay1 Posts : 3 Registered: 12/16/07
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Posted: Dec 17, 2008 11:51 PM

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february_2009 , new_york
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shinzui Posts : 22 Registered: 12/14/08
Re: Asking Too Much?
Posted: Dec 18, 2008 12:08 AM Go to message in response to: pattyjay1

In MHO, I dont think your asking too much.

This is YOUR wedding. If you dont want alcohol there, that is your choice and your guests are going to have to suck it up and learn to have a good time without the help of a buzz. In fact, after reading your post, I brought it up with my FH and he thinks its a great idea not having alcohol (neither of us drink and...perhaps its not the best idea to let his parents have it lol) so thank you, because now I'm saving money and my wedding by cutting that out, I hadnt even thought of that :)

As for the no photo thing, perhaps you could ask that no flash be used? If its an outside event that shouldnt be a problem, but if its indoors, the poor lighting makes for bad photos without flash. Or maybe there can be a time you set up during the wedding for others besides the pro to take photos, because not everyone will be thrilled that they'd have to BUY photos of your wedding from you when they can take a quick snapshot for themselves.

And lastly, thats ridiculous that they are complaining about the attire. You dont want people showing up in ripped jeans and t-shirts, arnt you just such a bridezilla? -eyeroll-
If its such a big deal that they have to go out and buy a nice outfit to attend your big day, tell them that you regret that they are so stingy and you'll see them at the next family reunion.

february_2009 , june_2010 , florida , new_york
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pattyjay1 Posts : 3 Registered: 12/16/07
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Posted: Dec 18, 2008 12:14 AM Go to message in response to: shinzui

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february_2009 , june_2010 , florida , new_york
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Ashleyanne2010 Posts : 447 Registered: 5/3/08
Re: Asking Too Much?
Posted: Dec 18, 2008 12:15 AM Go to message in response to: pattyjay1

If I recieved an invitation with a newsletter that contained guidelines for that wedding, I would not-so-politely decline.

There are other ways to present those things in a more tactful and less abrasive way.
 

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shinzui Posts : 22 Registered: 12/14/08
Re: Asking Too Much?
Posted: Dec 18, 2008 12:17 AM Go to message in response to: pattyjay1

lol well your welcome! :) I just find that ridiculous that THOSE are the things they are complaining about. I mean, maybe if you were serving fried monkey brains as the main dish...then I'd understand

february_2009 , june_2010 , florida , new_york
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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Asking Too Much?
Posted: Dec 18, 2008 12:19 AM Go to message in response to: pattyjay1

EDIT: I don't think that you are asking too much, and informing your guests beforehand is at least heads up of you, but it probably could have been handled in a better way. (Moot point, so I'm stopping on that now - ADDED below.)

However, I would ask who is paying for your wedding. If it's you and FH, then go for it. If your parents are and they want a bar, then they have a say in your plans.

Also understand that some interpret semi formal attire in different ways.... You never know what that may encompass.

EDIT: What I was alluding to, word of mouth prior to the wedding - much better option.
Honestly I'm with Ashley, if I'm so immature that you invite me, but you have to give me guidelones on how to behave, I would take that negatively. I would still send you a gift from your registry, but I wouldn't extend myself.

But this is all a MOOT point - you have ALREADY done this. So now you are looking for justification for what you did.



Edited by: PharmToxGirl on Dec 18, 2008 12:21 AM

ptg , reception , wtf , kittens
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pattyjay1 Posts : 3 Registered: 12/16/07
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Posted: Dec 18, 2008 12:30 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

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february_2009 , ptg , reception , wtf , kittens , new_york
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karebeartg Posts : 831 Registered: 6/25/08
Re: Asking Too Much?
Posted: Dec 18, 2008 7:58 AM Go to message in response to: pattyjay1

I think I too would decline this invitation, honestly. It's not the alcohol, its not the pictures (although this would bug me A LOT) and it's not the attire. It's more that a letter telling me everything not to do would be a little off-putting - I'd probably look for this information on a wedding website or by word of mouth. (I know you've already done this, but in case anyone else is thinking of it).

That being said, maybe you want to reconsider the picture thing? Afterall, weddings are a good time for you AND your guests. At any semi formal occasion, but particularly weddings, I like to take pictures. Not all of the pictures are of the bride and groom - afterall, FH and I are all dressed up. We're also likely seeing people we don't see that often. So, we take pictures of ourselves, our friends, etc. We do also take pictures of the bride and groom - one my friend's favorite picture from her wedding this year is a candid that I took where both were laughing (I caught them at a great moment).

I don't think it's fair to your guests to prohibit them from taking pictures. If I was told I couldn't take pictures, I would either 1) decline politely, 2) take pictures of me and my friends anyway, or just not have pictures. The professional photographer can't be everywhere, so I'd be concerned that I'd have no photos of me and FH all dressed up (since we rarely do). Also, for random candids, I'd be uninclined to buy them at professional photographer prices.

february_2009 , ptg , reception , wtf , kittens , new_york , north_carolina , august_2009
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lmc07 Posts : 271 Registered: 1/4/07
Re: Asking Too Much?
Posted: Dec 18, 2008 8:38 AM Go to message in response to: karebeartg

I don’t think that you are asking too much, but maybe you were asking too many things at once? :)

Alcohol – I would not mind being invited to a non-alcoholic event. You have your reasons for not serving it and I would respect that. We had alcohol at our wedding, though :)
Photos – I don’t know why your photographer thinks that the flash lights would interfere with his pics? We had a photographer, who did not mind it at all and every single pic (on the whole over 700!!) turned out great.
Semi formal attire – well that’s a matter of interpretation!! :)

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Lilmisssouthern... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/12/08
Re: Asking Too Much?
Posted: Dec 18, 2008 8:44 AM Go to message in response to: karebeartg

Ok so the comment "Celebrities can demand it... why can't i?" Came off a little bitchy sorry just MHO. No one says you can't demand that no one takes pics but then you will be missing out on the cute shots the photographers dont get. I agree with PP photographers can't and wont be everywhere you are. And people like to have those pictures to remember the event by. The alcohol thing isn't the issue its the fact that sending everyone a letter like they are being bossed around is what would most likely push everyone over the edge. Make a wedding website with the preferences you have. I have a website and I will make sure that includes on there what type of dress is expected. We are having alcohol at our wedding so that isn't an issue. I mean this is your wedding and you can do things how you want just know that some people may be offended.

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february_2009 , ptg , reception , virginia , wtf , kittens , october_2009 , new_york , north_carolina , august_2009
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Heidibride30 Posts : 1,201 Registered: 4/16/08
Re: Asking Too Much?
Posted: Dec 18, 2008 8:54 AM Go to message in response to: pattyjay1

I have to agree with PTG that the manner in which you sent this information out was probably the upsetting fact. Putting the info on a wedding website or word of mouth would have been a more tactful way to go. It's definitely good to let people know this information, but if I received an invitation with a rules sheet, it would annoy me.
Not having alcohol wouldn't necessarily bother me, but the "no cameras" would. Like PTG said, your guests are probably seeing a lot of people that they don't see on a regular basis, and they themselves are going to be all spiffy. They might wants pictures of people other than the bride and groom. And asking guests to purchase pictures from your professional photographer really is a bit much. If you wanted to give your guests a professional picture as a gift that's one thing, but asking them to BUY one?!?! That would be a huge turn off for me.




february_2009 , new_york , september_2009
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Asking Too Much?
Posted: Dec 18, 2008 9:07 AM Go to message in response to: pattyjay1

Dear Valen,

I would have handled it differently.

I have NO problem with an alcohol-free event seeing as how I do not drink alcohol ever. I don't think it's necessary to announce this in advance. That makes it sound too much like the Junior Prom where strict rules are necessary to keep the kiddies in line.

Anyone whose hotel reservations might depend on alcohol or no alcohol could just phone you and ask. Bear in mind, also, that people can always walk down to the hotel bar or across the street to the pub and get snockered, should they so desire. They can also sneak it in, probably using the same hip flask they used at the Junior Prom.

I really think you are out of line on the photo prohibition. Instead of letting people take their own photos, you are forcing them to pay the price for the professional. Once a person obtains that professional photo, what's to prevent them from scanning it and posting it in Facebook?

I've been to many weddings where they have disposable cameras on the reception tables, encouraging guests to take photos. Then, the couple get them all developed and send prints to the "members" of each table group.

The vicar of my church dislikes flash photography during a worship service. She requests, at the beginning of the service, that only non-flash photography take place during the service, and is not shy about reminding people while in progress. She is happy to pose for flash photos after the service, perhaps re-enacting various parts. Personally, I think that's a happy medium between people getting the photos they want of the family all spiffed up and turning a religious service into a photo-op.

There's nothing wrong with indicating expected dress on an invitation. Usually it's just a one-liner: Black Tie Optional. White Tie. Dressy Casual.

Then, you let people decide what that means, themselves. If someone shows up dressed way different than the rest, that's their problem. Let them be embarrassed.

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Asking Too Much?
Posted: Dec 18, 2008 9:29 AM Go to message in response to: pattyjay1

Ok here's a serious question:

What are you going to do on W-day when you see someone taking a picture? Are you going to go "Ursula-style" and stalk down the aisle in a tattered dress and rip the camera out of their hands? I am wondering what your plan is for that.

I have to say that cameras have come a LONG way since our dance recitals, and the flashes and no-flashes really are not an issue. Personally from my experience in my own wedding, i LOOOOVED seeing my guests pictures. They captured A LOT that the photog may have missed. Just from my experience.

I have seen invitations that day "semi-formal" attire and it hasn't bothered me. I have also been invited to weddings with either no alcohol or just a cash bar and whatever. But I never received these guildelines in newsletter format. But you can't take it back. I think it comes off quite snooty, kinda like a Christmas Letter.

If people want to stay in a hotel, they are going to regardless of alcohol or not. I mean they'd have to DRIVE to it, no?

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

february_2009 , october_2008 , new_york , central_new_jersey
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Bride2008 Posts : 3,059 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Asking Too Much?
Posted: Dec 18, 2008 9:34 AM Go to message in response to: pattyjay1

I don't see a problem with the fact that their is no bar. And it was nice of you to inform people of this in advance. It is totally your choice to not serve alcohol - but people are going to be upset about it because a lot of them enjoy having a drink when they go out for a celebration. If they are that disappointed - maybe they should stay home.

The attire thing may have come off as insulting. Most adults know how to dress themselves for big events such as weddings. If you told them "dress this way", it may have seemed like "Dress this way because I don't trust you to figure it out on your own".

As far as photos, you are really asking to much. In fact, you might be doing yourself a disservice. Some of the shots I loved most were ones sent to me by friends and family that they took with their own camers. My photographer did a great job, but it was nice to have a wide range of photos. as a guest I would be upset if I wasn't "allowed" to take pictures, since I greatly enjoy doing it. I also think it is unfair for you to expect people who have traveled to your wedding and porbably given you a gift that they now have to PAY if they want pictures.

And you are absolutely right that celebrities demand no photos at their weddings. But when they do that they come off like arrogant schmucks, which isn't a good thing. And no offense, tabloids pay insane amounts for shots of a celebrities wedding. I don't see the average bride having that problem.

 

Don't make me go Brooklyn on you. I have brass knuckles and I know how to use them.

february_2009 , new_york_metro , october_2008 , new_york
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RedStormGirl Posts : 184 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Asking Too Much?
Posted: Dec 18, 2008 10:17 AM Go to message in response to: pattyjay1

I would agree that the "newsletter" thing not might have been the best way to go. But what's done is done. As far as the alcohol and attire, I don't think you were completely out of line. But with the photos? Come on. Unless your photographer is using a drug store 35mm camera from 1993 - I have never heard of other flashes interfering with the photographer's pics...if anything, sometimes a guest will get an awesome candid shot that your photographer missed. I do think you went a little far with the no photos thing....

 

"Where you are is where I belong...I do know where you go is where I want to be." - DMB

february_2009 , new_york_metro , new_york
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