Alcoholic future monster in law

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Allison369 Posts : 73 Registered: 10/23/07
Alcoholic future monster in law
Posted: Nov 24, 2008 6:03 PM

My bf and I have decided to get married, created a ring, which is beautiful and now it's just a matter of the formal proposal. My grandmother passed away recently :(( and we want to wait for the mourning period out of respect for her and my family.

The issue I am writing about is my fh's mother. She is an alcoholic, (at least half a gallon of vodka a day), and an incredibly mean person. My fh's parents are divorced, I like his dad, and his dad's wife is a sweetheart. His mother's husband is a bit of a spineless mush, but a nice guy altogether. His mother, however, never liked any of my fh's girlfriends, and has never spoken to me directly. She would invite him to dinner, and only recently started adding me to the invitations. She is embarrassingly rude to people in general. When we sit at the dinner table, she does not even once ask how I am doing and I believe to this day she has never spoken to me and looked me in the eye. I am not sure what she is playing at, but if she is not rude, she just plain ignores me.

People in the family tell me that the only way to deal with her is by not dealing with her. I am not sure I am cut out for this though, I don't want to be surrounded by abusive and mean people and I am concerned about our kids having her as a grandmother.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Alcoholic future monster in law
Posted: Nov 24, 2008 8:14 PM Go to message in response to: Allison369

Unless your FH is willing to cut her off (unless she stops drinking) or at least severely limit contact with her, this is the way it will be. He's a package deal, and she's part of the package. Either you can live with it or you can't. You two need to talk this over openly and honestly. Many people recommend Al-anon for families who must deal with alcoholics relatives.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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FinallyMrsS Posts : 1,035 Registered: 3/29/08
Re: Alcoholic future monster in law
Posted: Nov 24, 2008 10:14 PM Go to message in response to: Allison369

Allison I have a lot of experience with alcoholics. I was a nanny for a family where the mom suffered this disease. She still is suffering. It is a very sad thing.Unfortunately the only thing you guys can do it an intervention. You need to get the most important people to her involved and also an experienced interventionist. If you google AA they will probably have a lot of information. What you guys need to do is give FMIL an ultimatum. Either she goes to rehab or she loses all of you and will not be attending the wedding. It is tough love, but everyone has to be on board. If not she will end up killing herself or someone else. I think the best way to get started is to talk to FH. Have all of your information and your game plan in line. He needs to be the leader of this since it is his mother. And you guys need to go from there. I don't know where you are from, but you may also want to google sober living in your zip code and see which rehab location is closest to you. Call them and ask for help. You really need to get his mom into rehab as soon as possible. You can also look into the Salvation Army. They are supposed to have one of the best rehab programs and it is free. Otherwise insurance companies will usually cover the cost of rehab. Keep us posted and PM me if you need anything.


 

www.mywedding.com/samanthaandpatrick/

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Franko Posts : 128 Registered: 11/15/08
Re: Alcoholic future monster in law
Posted: Nov 25, 2008 6:40 PM Go to message in response to: Allison369

that could be a problem if she will interfere in your marriage, personalities like that will try to break up the marriage possibly, if you fh is close to her that might cause problem, but if he loves you dont worry, he will love you more than his mother.
I bought our rings @

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Allison369 Posts : 73 Registered: 10/23/07
Re: Alcoholic future monster in law
Posted: Nov 25, 2008 6:49 PM Go to message in response to: Franko

Thank you! That is incredibly sweet of you. We tend to fight more when she is around or we are about to meet her, because I tense up and become irritable. However, there is no worry in my mind that he will take my side, he has always taken my side, and loves me, so I am not doubting that at all. My fh has made it perfectly clear that I am his number one priority always, so thankfully that is not an issue :)

As for the intervention, this is tricky, I am not sure the family will go for it. She can be quite scary even in her fragile stage. My guess is they will not want to do it, and will just continue dealing with her. Sometimes I wonder if they don't feel bad knowing that letting her drink like that is killing her and not doing anything is like condoning the behavior. But it is not my place to judge her kids :-/

I am just wondering how I will coexist with her and deal with her in general, both because of the drinking, but also because of her personality and possessive nature.

Cheers!

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FutureLeoBride Posts : 63 Registered: 9/24/08
Re: Alcoholic future monster in law
Posted: Nov 27, 2008 10:15 PM Go to message in response to: Franko

I don't necessarily agree with "if he loves you, he will love you more than he loves his mother." It's more about who his loyalties are to because he is always going to love his mother. Before two people are married, their loyalties are naturally going to be to their families. Its different once you get married, but things aren't just going to magically change on your wedding day. I don't know how much sense this makes, but his loyalties need to gradually switch over to you BEFORE the wedding. I was in this situation with my exbf of 5 years, so I know what you're going through. She is probably not going to change, and you may or may not be able to sever contact with her. However, it will be tolerable if your FH is willing to consider your feelings above hers. If he grew up in a household with an alcoholic mother, chances are everyone just tried to keep her happy in order to keep the peace. He needs to learn to end that behavior because now its about keeping YOU happy. Good luck!
Marriage works because they had a shared sense of humor, mutual respect of an awesome
depth, faith that they were brought together by a force greater than themselves and
a love so unwavering and pure that it is sacred.
- Forever Odd by Dean Koontz

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FinallyMrsS Posts : 1,035 Registered: 3/29/08
Re: Alcoholic future monster in law
Posted: Nov 28, 2008 11:10 PM Go to message in response to: Allison369

Allison- It is really unfortunate that her family is not ready to do an intervention. They are all enabling her to drink and allowing this disease to take over her completely. I think that you need to think really long and hard about the situation you are in. Can you live your whole live knowing you MIL is an alcoholic and can kill herself or someone else any day? I know that I would not be able to deal with this. But that is me. You and your FH should go to Alnon meetings so that you have support from others. Then you and FH need to come up with how you can make this work. You guys need to decide as a couple how you can make your relationship work because his mom is going to get in the way. Also one day her family is going to get tired of all of this. It can take a long time! My BIL was a meth addict for 6 years. My sister pretended that he was fine. She acted like there was nothing wrong with him because she needed him to help with the kids. He was of no help at all. He was an awful father and finally one day he went to my sister and asked for help. He has now been sober for 6 years. My old boss was an alcoholic. Or I guess should say is an alcoholic. Her husband is still putting up with it. This woman has almost killed both of their children. She drank when she was pregnant, drove with them in the car while drunk and had child services come out to question them. He is still putting up with her. It is very sad. Many people have a very difficult time coming to terms with the fact that someone they love has a problem. But if her family doesn't try to fix it, then the situation is only going to get worse unless she one day decides she needs help. You need to take care of yourself. I really reccommned that you and you FH come up with a game plan so that you are not fighting because of his mom. It will only get worse.


 

www.mywedding.com/samanthaandpatrick/

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