My first wedding--his 2nd, help!

Online Users: 1,309 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 10


Hmaki123 Posts : 2 Registered: 9/23/08
My first wedding--his 2nd, help!
Posted: Sep 23, 2008 12:19 PM

So I need some help with this. My boyfriend and I are discussing engagement--we have for quite some time now but his previous failed marriage has him a bit nervous about it. He finally stated the other day that yes--he does want to marry me, no he doesn't want to wait years and yes--our engagement will be soon but a surprise. So we've previously discussed what our wedding and reception would be like, bachelor and bachelorette parties, etc..and I am a little bothered. Because it's his second wedding--he assumes he's not allowed to do any of the traditional wedding/reception things. He said he's not having a bachelor party bc he "already had his" with his first marriage, he said he's not allowed to register for gifts because he's already been registered, gotten gifts, and done all of that. I am getting frustrated because I haven't--this is my FIRST and LAST marriage, granted no one goes into marriage wanting to get divorced, but I haven't gotten to go through the whole process before and I do want this to be special because I do want this to be my only wedding and marriage. My dad is a pastor and has been since I was 14--so I've seen loads of wedding invitations, wedding decorations, reception center pieces, etc, etc..my mom used to even collect the good ideas in a box for me for my future planning. Now I feel like my excitement and future planning is getting down graded bc "he's already done it." 

 He's still allowed to have a bachelor party, he's still allowed to register, he's still allowed to do any of the traditional wedding things he wants--correct? I know it's a bit different when it's both persons' second wedding, etc..my mom just got remarried and it was a private elopement on the beach in Florida, no reception, etc..she did have a bachelorette party however. I am 23, he is 30--this is my first wedding, his 2nd. We can do whatever traditional wedding things we want to do--correct? If he's uncomfortable with a Bachelor's party then that's fine--but if I want register for gifts, etc, etc..I have that right. 

Let me know what you think. Thanks.  

Reply


RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: My first wedding--his 2nd, help!
Posted: Sep 23, 2008 12:35 PM Go to message in response to: Hmaki123

I'm sorry to say this and I'm not trying to be mean, but his attitude toward the whole thing stinks. It's about the two of you, not the two of them If I were you I would sit right down with him and tell him you are upset with his lack of interest because he's "been down that road". But, at the same time, keep in mind that you can't change the way he feels.

You need to come up with some kind agreement quickly! While it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, I would definitely want him to understand how I feel about wanting my dream wedding.

Good Luck! 

PS-I believe it was Nalameinia (Nal-please forgive me for the name butchering!) who started a thread similar to this last week, only the situation is flipped-it's Nal's second marriage) 

Linda Jo and Dean-July 19, 2008


Reply


PALMETTOMOON Posts : 532 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: My first wedding--his 2nd, help!
Posted: Sep 23, 2008 1:29 PM Go to message in response to: Hmaki123

I completely understand your situation, because we dealt with this during our wedding plans too.  My husband had been married before and did the whole Southern wedding weekend she-bang with all the traditional events the first time around.  And while he was very excited about our wedding, he honestly did not want to ask all of that from his family again, in an attempt to be sensitive to how much they had done for him previously.  I completely understood his position, but still wanted some of those traditional things for my experience.  Yes, we registered for gifts for our new home, I had a bachelorette party,  we had a ceremony and reception (although relatively small because that's what I preferred), and a rehearsal dinner and bridal luncheon. 

What I tried to do was not expect any contributions from his family since they had technically done this before, but accepted offers if they came my way.  His parents gave us a nice monetary gift and some keepsake items, his aunt and uncle hosted a great relaxed rehearsal dinner, and he went on a boys' kayak trip because his friends really wanted to do something with him but he really didn't want an all-night drinking binge. 

Seriously, if his family is happy for you guys, they will want to be a part of things and will want you to have those memories for your wedding.Best of luck!


www.mywedding.com/lizandkevin

Reply


Heidibride30 Posts : 1,201 Registered: 4/16/08
Re: My first wedding--his 2nd, help!
Posted: Sep 23, 2008 1:38 PM Go to message in response to: Hmaki123

1st of all, Welcome to the boards!!  I'm in a similar situation to you.  It's my 1st marriage, but FH has been married before.  We're still doing all the "traditional" wedding stuff, he's just not inviting that many people from his side.  Just his immediate family and really close friends.  I think he's only inviting about 20 people total.  So most of the guests will be my side, but we're still registerring and all that.  And he's still doing a small bachelor party with his friends.  Just because he's been married before, it doesn't mean that you should have to miss out on anything.

Reply


Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: My first wedding--his 2nd, help!
Posted: Sep 23, 2008 2:15 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

LOL Linda Jo!  It was me, and you can call me Nala or Sarah, whichever suits you :)

yeah, I started a thread similar to this one, but it actually isn't either of our first marriages.  I was married at 19 (oops!) and he's actually been married twice before.  Once when he was 22 or something (less than 6 months i think) and then he got married again in his 30's.  My first wedding was VERY small, VERY low budget and definitely not the wedding of my dreams. lol I'm sorry I wasted my first wedding on THAT. hehe His have bee more extravagant, but you know what? I haven't asked details because i simply don't want to know them!  He's told me his priorities, he even told me his priorities haven't mattered before. lol I've tried very hard to meet all his top list of must haves, but that's really the only conscious decisions I've made when it comes to that.

My thread though was saying that it's hard to not be thinking about those things. In the back of my head I've wanted to do the opposite of what he had before, but then stopped myself.  I've been planning the wedding that's perfect for the two of us right now and really tried not to worry about how it was before or what I did last time.

And yeah, it sounds like you guys need to have a talk now so that you know what you're in for in the planning process. Does he want to be involved? Or does he just want to approve a budget and be out of the picture? Tell him to show up at 10 o'clock at THIS address and be wearing his tux! hehehe 


http://www.chrisandsarah2008.net

 

wedding ticker

 


Reply


myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: My first wedding--his 2nd, help!
Posted: Sep 23, 2008 3:53 PM Go to message in response to: Hmaki123

There are no laws that say what you Can or Cannot do. If he's uncorfortable with a bachelor party, then he certainly should not have one (he may have outgrown that whole thing anyway). As for gifts and registering, as long as you're not sending out registry informatiion (such as on your invitations), that's a word of mouth thing anyway. Peole who want the information will ask, and thosewho don't, won't. If you have a shower, you can have it for just your friends andfamily (plus, say, a courtesy invite for his mother). And, as for who to invite, people who areclose to him and care will be thrilled. Those who he feels would be uncomfortable or disapproving can stay home (and besent a simple announcement after the wedding is over).

On the other hand, you need to be sensitive, too. He's been down this road before. He may not be quite as thrilled with or interested in every detail of planning, every bow and ruffle. So, I'd tone it down a bit, if I were you, and be sensitive to his concerns."if I want register for gifts, etc, etc..I have that right." This is a decision, like all married decisions, that you work and and make together.

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

 

Reply


CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: My first wedding--his 2nd, help!
Posted: Sep 23, 2008 9:56 PM Go to message in response to: Hmaki123

There is actually a wonderful book out there called something like "Planning a Second Wedding."

Because of my mom's attitude about this one, I'd been really frustrated, until I read the introduction to the book.  It basically said:  SO WHAT if you did it before?!  You're getting married!! Congrats!!  Wear a veil!  Have a cathedral length train.  Wear white.  Register!   You can do anything a first time bride can do!  (I reallyshould send that woman a thank you note!)   It almost brought tears to my eyes because I had been told "no, you can't wear a veil" (I didn't want to, but that is SO not the point!)  "no, you can't have a train" (um... has anyone been dress shopping? The only gowns that don't have trains are beach wedding gowns!)  "no, you can't register" (truthfully, I don't need to, but still...people would like to know where to go, because there are those who will want to gift you).   My mother is still harping about "no, you can't wear white" (I didn't want to...now neon white is starting to look good <G>).   Basically, everything I'd seen that said "No, you already had your chance.  YOU can't do this," this book said "screw 'em.  Celebrate like you want to! You're getting married and you're a bride."

If he doesn't want a bachelor party... fine.  No party for the boy.  You get the bachelorette party (which I did NOT have for my first).   If I can do anything I want to do, any of the traditions, so can he! 

The thing is, a lot of us second timers have a feeling of guilt.  We failed the first time, or (worse) we're marrying someone else after our first husband died.   And because we feel like failures (or guilty for betraying his memory), we don't feel like we deserve the wedding of our dreams.

And that lovely book said "It's okay.  Sometimes we mess up.  Sometimes we lose precious people.  But we need to get over the guilt and celebrate this marriage with joy.  Congratulations, you're gettting married!"

 


wedding countdown

Reply


CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: My first wedding--his 2nd, help!
Posted: Sep 23, 2008 9:56 PM Go to message in response to: Hmaki123

Sorry... it made a duplicate post.  ARGH!


Message was edited by: CatStandish

Reply


Hmaki123 Posts : 2 Registered: 9/23/08
Re: My first wedding--his 2nd, help!
Posted: Sep 23, 2008 11:01 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

All of these posts were AMAZING. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!! 

 

I've tried to talk to him about it and for the most part he gets it. His brother has been married two times before so his family has been there, done that. Luckily they adore me and already treat me like a part of their family---I know his mom will want to be right in there planning, looking at dresses, etc, etc..she's amazing. She wants nothing but absolute happiness for her son--he;s the baby in the family and has been heart broken before (his ex-wife came home with divorce papers one day--before then they were both married to their jobs and never ever communicated!) and wants to see him really happy. We both want the same thing--so ever since I was introduced to his family, we've been incredibly close and they all want to see us married. 

 I also want to go about this right because I was previously engaged and ended up calling it off after 1 yr--he ended up a 180 from when I got engaged to him and his abuse was just too much. So families have already congratulated me before, etc but I've never had a bridal shower or a rehearsal, etc, etc. I am aiming for a July wedding--so less than a year from now, and I just want to be able to go through it all.

 We really don't need to register because he has his own house and it's already completely filled--but guests always like to know where they can get you gifts, esp. since it's my first wedding. 

It was interesting bc we were talking about different ideas for the reception and dates, etc..he chimed in October is a bad month, so is September bc his brother got married two times in September..May is bad bc that's when he got divorced..I just kept thinking--I'm sure if we go through EVERY month it'll end up bad bc of something, we've got to get past the past and move forward--make a month ours. I told him he should have a cigar roller at the reception, he said he had a case of nice cigars at his last reception. I said I had this great idea for center pieces..supposedly they had almost the same ones..etc..etc. So I am really trying to listen, and then let him know what I think, and then tailor all of this towards US..not them..not just myself..but the two of us.

We'll see how it all comes together--right now we're ring shopping :)

Thanks ladies!!!! 

Reply


jessd0320 Posts : 1,491 Registered: 7/4/06
Re: My first wedding--his 2nd, help!
Posted: Sep 23, 2008 11:59 PM Go to message in response to: Hmaki123

I dealt with this too, it was DH's second wedding, my first. He was only worried about the gift stuff... he though he shouldn't ask for gifts from his family since they already gave him a wedding gift, etc. This really was coming from his mother. Unfortunately he (or really, his mother) won and I was stuck sending invites to his family with an edited reception card stating "no gifts required."

No, thats not necessary, but it also wasn't worth fighting over. DH and his whole family have this different view of manners... but in a way I suppose it made sense because we all knew none of his extended family would come to the wedding, and I could see how they would think "they know we won't come, they just want us to send a gift." I wouldn't have done it but it all turned out OK.

I guess the moral of my story is... pick your battles on this. Your FH seems really in tune with the planning and being aware of what actually took place at the previous wedding. Let him know he CAN do all this stuff, but be sensitive to his requests too and try to compromise or just let some things go. I'm sure it will all be OK. Good luck and congrats!


www.jessica-teamintraining.blogspot.com

Reply


ESB Posts : 6 Registered: 1/10/08
Re: My first wedding--his 2nd, help!
Posted: Sep 24, 2008 2:08 PM Go to message in response to: Hmaki123

Hi there! We are doing the same thing, my first wedding, his second, however, without the issues. We are going full throttle on everything because he was married 10 years ago and honestly this is about "OUR" new beginning not his past. Our house is is a mixture of the both of our stuff. We want to have thing that are ours and were given to us as a couple not a bunch of yours and mine. He is not having the "Blow Out" bachelor party but I have registered for us and I am having showers with both sides of the family and having a bachelorette party this weekend. Since he didn't keep any house hold items from his previous marriage, (except for some creepy rocking chair that looks like something out of "Children of the Corn" which his x wife couldn't fit in her condo anymore and was given to us. It is in the farthest corner of the basement and is going to leave via garage sale next summer!) we are looking at things as a completely new start. Enjoy it all and explain to your FH that in order for you both to go on he should think about getting rid of excess baggage. Been there done that is not fair to you and he needs to start thinking about your feelings. Your memories should not limit your life's progress and happiness. They are past lessons, both good and bad that have made an impression. Hanging on to the bad always seems to over shadow the potential for the future. . .  

 

Eilis

imghttp://www.whenismywedding.com/signature/0b4734e67e81fc86.gif[/img][/url">http://www.whenismywedding.com/"imghttp://www.whenismywedding.com/signature/0b4734e67e81fc86.gif[/img][/url] Wedding Ticker from WhenIsMyWedding.com

Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine