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Please help! Need advice on an "ex-girlfriend" issue!

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caro418 Posts : 12 Registered: 8/23/08
Please help! Need advice on an "ex-girlfriend" issue!
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 8:50 AM

My fiance and I sent out a "save the date" e-mail for our wedding, and without asking or telling me, he included his ex-girlfriend in the e-mail.  Now, before you tell me I'm crazy for getting upset, please listen to the story!  My fiance had a very serious relationship with this girl for six years - it was when they were college-aged, but still.  She even told him that she wanted to marry him and have his children.  Anyway, my fiance is not American - he and this girl grew up in a country where religion is a big deal, and because this girl and my fiance come from different religious backgrounds, she kept the relationship a secret from her mother the entire six years.  Eventually, her mother found out, and...well...let's just say that my fiance and this girl had a very bitter break-up.  They had NO contact whatsoever for almost four years...the last year of which my fiance started dating me.  About six months after my fiance and I started dating, his ex-girlfriend found his e-mail address on a social networking site and then sent him this long, emotional e-mail about how she wanted to talk to him and about how she had never been able to come to terms with the fact that they were no longer together.  My fiance wrote back, basically telling her that he was with someone now and that he truly wished her well in life.  In the past year since then, I think he and she have chatted briefly a few times on yahoo messenger...just friendly stuff like, "How have you been?"  Now, my fiance and I are engaged, and he basically invited her to our wedding!  I am EXTREMELY upset because I don't see what reason he could have for inviting her.  It's not as though they have stayed on good terms since the break-up and are good friends.  He hasn't even SEEN her in person since they broke up...and I have certainly never met her...so why in the world would my fiance want to see her for the first time since the break-up at his wedding???  And why would I want to meet her for the first time at my wedding???  Considering their history and the circumstances, I truly think it would be a bad idea to have her at the wedding.  My fiance said that I'm making a big deal out of nothing and that she's his "friend", so if she wants to come fine, if not, fine.  Does anyone else think this is more than a little CRAZY???  Please help!!!!!        

Message was edited by: caro418

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Please help! Need advice on an "ex-girlfriend" issue!
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 9:45 AM Go to message in response to: caro418

Personally, I don't think it's worth getting upset over. She most likely won't come, anyway. 

Here's the deal: your FH has made his feelings perfectly clear to her. They have chatted in a friendly way since then, and since he hasn't said anything else about it, I would assume that she has dropped the emotional stuff and they have a fairly casual friendship now. Some people get pretty sentimental when their wedding is approaching and want to invite everyone who has ever been close to them - heck, my husband wanted to cut friends that we spend a lot of time with NOW so that we had space for 'old friends' that he hasn't seen in YEARS. Why? 'Because they used to be so important to me.' Anyway, it is pretty normal to think of people who USED to be close to you when you're planning for a big milestone in your life. I wouldn't think more than that about his motive for inviting her.

In any case, the damage is done. She has been invited (if you send someone an STD, an invitation MUST follow), and you need to be prepared for the possibility that she may attend. Like I said, she probably won't -  but if she does, I'm sure it won't ruin your day. Greet her politely and then you don't need to talk to her again all night. You probably won't even notice her. 


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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Please help! Need advice on an "ex-girlfriend" issue!
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 11:31 AM Go to message in response to: caro418

Dear Caro,

If it were anyone other than your FH who invited someone you don't want to see, you could tell the person to go pound sand.

But, it's FH's wedding, too. He has as much standing to invite someone as you have to de-invite them.

I wouldn't worry so much about the invitation or the wedding, but instead about FH's feelings about this former relationship. I would put marriage plans on ice for a while, and go with him to pre-marital counseling. Both of you need to resolve this prior relationship before taking the step of marriage.

It's crazy, yes. But do you want to marry a crazy person?

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,166 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Please help! Need advice on an "ex-girlfriend" issue!
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 11:36 AM Go to message in response to: caro418

Hi and welcome to the boards.  Saturdays are kind of slow.  Please don't think anyone is ignoring you and doesn't want to help out.

If I'm understanding what you said above, they are from a different country and of different religious backgrounds.  There are many ladies on here who have experiences from all over the world.  Perhaps you could elaborate on their religion/country of origin.

The ex-  Does your FH feel that he's never gotten any closure?  Maybe he's using your wedding as a time to get closure.  You said that they haven't spoken often and he still says she's a friend.  It could be just that.  He could feel a deep friend bond to her because they did have such a connection.

Basically, he loves you.  He's marrying you.  Unless he's expressed some deep regret over breaking up with her, then I wouldn't worry about it.  Who knows?  She may be a great girl and you become friends.  I know that's a left field thought, but hey, it's possible.  Has she expressed any interest in him since that first email where he blew her off?

 


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Nalamienea Posts : 2,930 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Please help! Need advice on an "ex-girlfriend" issue!
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 11:59 AM Go to message in response to: Mushaboo

I'm with the other girls I think. You probably won't notice her , except to say hi, especially if you're having a wedding with 100+ people. IF she comes, it won't be the end of the world.

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,593 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Please help! Need advice on an "ex-girlfriend" issue!
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 12:11 PM Go to message in response to: caro418

I can understand why youd be upset. Really. But in the end, It probably will be fine. I guess if it were me, I would be upset more that my fiance didnt come to me and say "Hey, you know Id really like to invite X to our wedding - I havent seen her since our breakup and shes my friend now and I just think it would be the right thing to do. What do you think?" I think thats how HE should have handled it, rather than just emailing her a Save the Date. I do think he should have consulted you on the matter first and you should make decisions together on who comes to the wedding. Did you come up with the guest list together for the wedding and then he just added her? If so, thats not right.

So I would talk to him about that and let him know its not okay and that you trust him completely - BUT he needs to be honest with you in the future about things such as this.

As far as her coming to the wedding, its already done. Not much you can do now except secretly hope she wont attend lol. Honestly though I think if she DOES attend it will be okay anyway.

 


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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,963 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Please help! Need advice on an "ex-girlfriend" issue!
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 12:18 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I ditto everything Artbride said.

If it would make you feel more comfortable, and it's possible, why don't you all go out sometime?  If you see for yourself that she's got no intentions towards him, it might make you feel better.

Out of curiosity, is she of Indian descent?  The whole not-telling-mom thing sounds familiar.


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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Please help! Need advice on an "ex-girlfriend" issue!
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 1:27 PM Go to message in response to: caro418

It's also possible he did it because she's been hinting at pursuing the old relationship, and this is his way of saying "no way, THIS one is a done deal.  I'm sticking with my fiancee."

(And he hasn't said anything to you about that because guys and gals think very differently, and he doesn't want you to be more upset.)


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stillgroovin Posts : 238 Registered: 11/12/07
Re: Please help! Need advice on an "ex-girlfriend" issue!
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 2:05 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

I don't think it's crazy. A little distressing for you, perhaps. But I can understand why your FH might have done it, because my DH did something similar. Albeit, he talked with me about it beforehand.

My DH had very strong feelings for his high school best friend for about four years. They never dated, but she kept telling him, oh you know I love you and we'll be together eventually (even though she was dating other guys. Ha!)

Anyways, he obviously got over her and her manipulations, but felt he owed it to her to keep being friends. I won't lie. I can't stand the girl, not because he used to have a crush on her (big whoop, he also used to like another good friend of his who ended up being one of my BMs.) However, I don't like her because she STILL tries to manipulate him through guilt. Makes me crazy.

But we had agreed we wouldn't tell each other who could be our friends, and if he really wanted that girl there, fine. I knew (and know) he no longer has any feelings for her, so what's the harm in inviting her to the wedding? I just stayed away from her other than a very short, polite conversation.

It certainly doesn't sound as if you FH has acted inappropriately with this girl since you two started dating. He told her up front he was in a relationship, and obviously told you about the few times they've chatted. I'd be frustrated that he hadn't consulted me before he invited her, but that's about the only silly thing he did.

I say give him a break (do explain that you wish he would have atleast talked with you about this before inviting her) but otherwise, take the attitude that there's a ton of people at your wedding and you don't even see much of them for long anyways. 

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izatrollbob Posts : 16 Registered: 8/21/08
Re: Please help! Need advice on an "ex-girlfriend" issue!
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 2:46 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

Talk to him about why he sent the invite. If you just go based on what you assume are his motives, that's not fair and it won't go well. I am inviting FI's ex who is still stuck on him to the wedding not because I necessarily want her to be there but because I want her to see that it is really happening so she can get her closure and stop holding on. 

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MrsMcCain Posts : 581 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: Please help! Need advice on an "ex-girlfriend" issue!
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 3:15 PM Go to message in response to: caro418

Hi Caro-

I am going to have to disagree with what most people are saying. I don't think it's appropriate to keep in touch with exes, especially when you are getting married. I obviously don't know everything that has gone on in their emails but she confessed that she still has feelings for him, and that wasn't that long ago (6 months, right?). I just never see any good coming out of people keeping in contact with exes, normally because someone on one end will still have feelings for the other person. I can see that by what you wrote you mostly feel uncomfortable having her there, and I do not blame you for that. I know if FH invited his ex who he was really serious with that I would feel awkward meeting her, especially at my wedding! I would sit down with your FH and explain how you feel and why this bothers you. If you do it in a calm nonthreatening manner he should understand and respect your feelings. Good luck!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Please help! Need advice on an "ex-girlfriend" issue!
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 3:32 PM Go to message in response to: MrsMcCain

Dear Nickey,

"I don't think it's appropriate to keep in touch with exes"

If the ex makes a serious, sincere effort to be friends with both halves of the couple, then I'm OK with that.

It's when the ex wants a relationship with only half of the couple that I see possible trouble ahead.

This is true for any relationship, anytime now or in the future. Anyone who wants to be friends with me, male or female, needs to make a sincere effort to also be friends, in some way, with my husband.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Please help! Need advice on an "ex-girlfriend" issue!
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 5:51 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I can't give you much advice yet...I want to know what you are more upset about: that she might be at your wedding, or that FH basically invited her without telling you.

I think the latter is the bigger problem, by the way...and I think that is the part you should be talking about with him!

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Please help! Need advice on an "ex-girlfriend" issue!
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 9:09 PM Go to message in response to: caro418

Looks like I will be the lone voice of dissent here!

Normally I don't think it is a huge deal if there is one person at your wedding that you don't like- say, a cousin who drives you nuts or the Best Man's bitchy girlfriend.  In all reality you probably won't have that much to do with them on your big day since there are SO many people and with you being the center of attention you are pulled in different directions all day.

This is different.

What bothers me the most is that he just sent her the STD email without discussing it with you- that's weird.  Hadn't you made up the guest list already?  Did he just add her or did your communications get otherwise crossed?

The way their relationship ended bothers me and it is clear that this girl is pining away for him.  Therefore it is NOT appropriate for her to be at YOUR wedding. 

Under normal circumstances once an STD is out there you can't uninvite someone but this is unusual.  You need to tell your FH that your feelings are hurt that he would invite another woman who is in love with him to what should be a day celebrating the two of YOU.  Her presence may muck it up- the thought alone is already mucking things up.  Tell him that you understand that he probably didn't think of it in those terms and that you know he didn't mean to hurt you- but that he must get online right quick and send her an emailing explaining that he jumped the gun in sending her an STD and that the guest list had not been finalized and you are going for a smaller event.  All of which is true- she does not need to know your event is only going to be smaller by one!

Now- please tell us what country your FH is from!!!  I am dying to know where on earth religion in the 21st century would be SUCH a dealbreaker!  (I have my suspicions, of course, I am just curious to have them confirmed or not in your situation.)  I am also curious- are you of the same religion as he is?  If you aren't (or if you weren't) would it matter as much since you are in America or is it still all important?

Good luck, please let us know how things go!

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Angele Posts : 76 Registered: 8/15/07
Re: Please help! Need advice on an "ex-girlfriend" issue!
Posted: Aug 23, 2008 9:40 PM Go to message in response to: caro418

Hi Caro,

I think you should talk to FH about how you feel. Although you may not notice his ex at your wedding except to briefly thank her for attending, your discomfort regarding his sending her a save-the-date should be addressed.

And yes, while it is his wedding as well as yours, one of the things that goes into basic wedding planning is an agreed-upon guest list. Apparently, he missed that memo. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Let him explain his reason for sending her the STD. Then you guys should take it from there.

Decide on whether the invitation stands. No one should make you invite someone that you are uncomfortable with. Otherwise, if you let it go, it will become a focus up to your wedding day, when it doesn't need to be. And that is just unnecessary stress.

The most important thing is that you talk to FH and decide together what to do.

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