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Enough is enough- stop the Etiquette Nazis!

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Enough is enough- stop the Etiquette Nazis!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 5:16 PM

Ladies,

I am all for etiquette when planning a wedding.  However, lately there have been a number of threads that seek out etiquette issues when nothing even happened and they have a tone to them that is extremely condescending and, really, obnoxious.  I have tried not to even read them- really, I have.  However, the attitude is now creeping into other threads and I wanted to publicly say that I am sick of it.

It's one thing if a bride wishes to know if she must handwrite her invitation envelopes but it is quite another when someone who is not planning a wedding starts up several threads with the sole intent of berating brides who dare not already know these things.

I'm not trying to cut out any discussions of proper etiquette, I just wish these threads that only make people upset would go away.  Why do we need to know what we expect of the guest?  Or what the guest expects from us?  These things come up often enough in regular threads that the people who DO want to know will have access to them and the people who are going to do what they want to do anyway can just ignore them.  We were in a nice patch recently where everyone seemed to be getting along and I don't want these annoying threads to start up any fights- so let's just cut it out and keep to the normal discussion of things.  I know I don't rule the boards or anything and I can't keep anyone from creating a post but they have created such an undercurrent of tension that I fear we will enter into one of those patterns where everyone is fighting- something I know we always hate.

Maybe we could try just being nice to one another?

october_2006 , etiquette
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Enough is enough- stop the Etiquette Nazis!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 5:24 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

Dear NJ,

Take a pill.

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Enough is enough- stop the Etiquette Nazis!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 5:52 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Oh, OK, I'll go right ahead and do that.

Whatever.

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Knoxvegas Posts : 951 Registered: 9/12/07
Re: Enough is enough- stop the Etiquette Nazis!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 6:01 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

I personally like the etiquette threads because I learn from them. I am a first time bride and have not be involved in a wedding since I was a kid, so I really don't know anything unless someone tells me. I've never hosted a party (except in college and that was New Year's debauchery) nor have I been to a formal affair in my adult life. I appreciate the advice and I plan on using it. 

If you do not need it or plan on not following it, don't read it. There is no need for hostility when the advice is meant to be just that: advice. Take it or leave it. 


 

"Love is not a matter of counting the years -- it's making the years count."

-Wolfman Jack Smith

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Love2u Posts : 1,661 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: Enough is enough- stop the Etiquette Nazis!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 6:01 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

News - I feel your pain.  I've found that the easiest solution is just to avoid the threads.  It doesn't take long to identify online personalities and writing styles, which makes it pretty easy to predict whether or not the thread will be one that will be engaging or irritating to me.  I know that my personality / opinions can be irritating to other posters and I can live with that.  I also know that they can choose to be offended (or not) and continue moving on to the next thread.

Love2uKiss

 

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Message was edited by: Love2u

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stargazer9 Posts : 448 Registered: 12/20/06
Re: Enough is enough- stop the Etiquette Nazis!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 6:19 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

I am all for etiquette personally and I followed it for the most part when we planned our wedding.  Some things are just polite to do and I think most of us can tell what those things are.

The etiquette threads can be informative and I have no issue with them in themselves because like I said I try to follow etiquette myself and some people would like to follow it and just are not as informed as they would like to be.  These threads then serve to them the knowledge they have been looking for.

The only thing that does sometimes get to me is when the tone can turn slightly condescending.  Some people do choose not to follow etiquette for one reason or another (some good and some not so good) and that is there business.  When it SEEMS (I say seems because this may not at all be the intent of the original poster or posters to follow) to be implied that if you don't follow these black and white rules you are uncouth and awful (maybe not to that extent but you get my idea) then tension does mount and can cause ugly fights on the boards.  I hate those fights because then people who come here for legitimate advice end up suffering as the threads get bogged down with junk about drama here.

As it is a matter of free speech and no one can control what another does the best way to deal with it is to just try and avoid reading the stuff we don't like and try our hardest to keep our own posts on a mild note to soothe any tension there may be.





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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Enough is enough- stop the Etiquette Nazis!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 6:33 PM Go to message in response to: stargazer9

Dear SG<

"These threads then serve to them the knowledge they have been looking for."

The whole idea is to present a list, much like those "Who Pays For What" lists that you see in bridal magazines.

No one will do "everything". No one gets fussed about "everything".

But, if you see some topic while you are still in the planning stage, then you can ask about it, get the reasoning behind it, THEN make an informed decision about what you actually do.

An informed decision that this particular item does not pertain to you is way better than being blindsided, later, after everything is all over.

"Didn't you know that your supposed to wear something old, something new, something borrowed and something blue for luck?"

Good: "Yes, I do know about that, and since I'm not superstitious I choose not to do that."

Bad: "Huh? What? I missed something? Do you think anyone else noticed?

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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Enough is enough- stop the Etiquette Nazis!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 7:32 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Newsjunkie, I think starting this post was a case of bad etiquette  :P

etiquette
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mobride09 Posts : 521 Registered: 3/5/08
Re: Enough is enough- stop the Etiquette Nazis!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 8:07 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

It seems to me that if you don't like the etiquette threads, you probably just shouldn't read them.  I think you may be overreacting just a little here.

 

 

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Knoxvegas Posts : 951 Registered: 9/12/07
Re: Enough is enough- stop the Etiquette Nazis!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 8:44 PM Go to message in response to: mobride09

mo: that's the trend this weekend apparently.

 

"Love is not a matter of counting the years -- it's making the years count."

-Wolfman Jack Smith

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myra Posts : 5,555 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Enough is enough- stop the Etiquette Nazis!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 8:49 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

Newsie, sorry, but I have to disagree. You were rude to Aunt in your other post; she has a right to her opinion, and it's pretty standard for our posts to go off in many (often interesting) directions. As for her keeping her mouth shut and then going off and talking behind someone's back, I don't know that that ever has happened or even been talked about. what Aunt has said is that she has her private thoughts, and keeps hermouth shut to a person's face. That's not hypocritical--it's polite. And we all do it. If qwe didn't, the whole world would be in a perpetual state of war! So, if you don't want to read etiquette threads--don't!

As for why we need to know what we expect, or what's expected from us, the answers seem fairly obvious, so we can make things go smoothly for ourselves and the people around us. Etiquette really is about nothing more than being considerate and making people comfortable. We don't have to get hung up in petty details (hey, you want to print your envelopes, go right ahead. But, it's nice to know when you're breaking a "rule," even when you don't care if you're breaking it). Most etiquette rules are very practical. And, since etiquette constantly is changing with times and regions, it's nice to have a place to discuss what's acceptable and what's not--before you go ahead, make the mistake, and run into unintended consequences.

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

etiquette
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futuremrsmason Posts : 240 Registered: 3/21/08
Re: Enough is enough- stop the Etiquette Nazis!
Posted: Aug 17, 2008 11:27 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

completely.

this would have been handwritten, but I didn't know the proper spelling of your name for sure... 


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Retired Posts : 808 Registered: 4/17/06
Re: Enough is enough- stop the Etiquette Nazis!
Posted: Aug 18, 2008 12:00 AM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

Since someone brought it up, I'll throw in my two cents. Disagree or not, I don't care much either way, really.

Here's the charming impression I was given of these boards as a newcomer: there is a group of posters - yes, I said group, because there are several of them - who march around here like they are the end-all-be-all of etiquette, and if you dare disagree with them you get a nasty, sarcastically worded response that makes you feel like an insignificant pile of trash. To add to it, they have their little bandwagons who will attack you for voicing your thoughts against them. That hasn't changed much since.

Could we opt to not read the etiquette posts? Sure. But if someone has the right to post it, we have the right to read it and ultimately the right to disagree and post our opinions about it.

Someone could say the same about all of you: if you don't like News' opinion, then don't read it. Instead, you opt to come on here and voice your opinion about how you don't like her post. So why is that any different from her saying she doesn't like someone else's post?

It isn't.

You want the freedom to voice your dislike, but no one else should voice theirs if it happens to disagree with yours. Instead, you knock it down with "you're overreacting" and "if you don't like it, don't read it." Take your own advice. The "x" button is in the top right-hand corner.

As for the original post:

"It's one thing if a bride wishes to know if she must handwrite her invitation envelopes but it is quite another when someone who is not planning a wedding starts up several threads with the sole intent of berating brides..."

I agree with you, Newsie. Period.


etiquette
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Enough is enough- stop the Etiquette Nazis!
Posted: Aug 18, 2008 12:13 AM Go to message in response to: Retired

Dear Noc,

Go through the two long lists I wrote. Some of the items will pertain to your situation, others won't. Make a positive, informed decision. It's better than hearing about something AFTER the wedding, when you are in no position to do anything about it.

That's all!

I want all of you ladies to be successful. I want you to have a wonderful day and a happy marriage for the days to follow. I want you to hear nothing but positive things about your wedding, and not be blindsided by someone mentioning an etiquette faux pas that you never knew existed.

etiquette
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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: LET'S KISS AND MAKE UP
Posted: Aug 18, 2008 6:23 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

news-your quote: "can't we all be nice to each other?" I agree with that part.

LET'S ALL KISS AND MAKE UP!!! 

NOW! WHY DON'T WE START TELLING PEOPLE HOW WONDERFUL THEY ARE! 

I'LL START:

Aunt, (and Myra for that matter and all who helped me)-

I have at times followed your threads and they have helped me tremendously along with my wedding planning since its inception. Planning my wedding was almost as difficult as law school for me. 

You, along with some others, have provided some fantastic suggestions to me and I've seen you do the same for others. I appreciate seeing someone give their personal insight into a situation, especially when they have an abundance of experience.

You have helped me plan and fulfill a life-long dream-the most important and most wonderful day of my life. 

You've gone above and beyond what I've sought for answers. You were honest with me and you did so delicately. I never took offense to anything you had to say. You have spent a lot of time addressing my very personalized issues and I appreciate it. Your expertise in etiquette is priceless.  Although I didn't follow "all the rules" the way they were laid out, they certainly offered me a solid, trusted guideline.

I didn't have much money growing up. Everything I own was earned through the sweat of my brow. By 40, I had given up the  dream of having my fantasy wedding. 

Thanks for sharing your knowledge with us. I can only hope that I'm not the only one who feels this way.


Linda Jo and Dean-July 19, 2008


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