Help with Momzilla - Advice Needed

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NJsadBride Posts : 4 Registered: 8/11/08
Help with Momzilla - Advice Needed
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 3:34 PM

Help - I am in need of some advice on how to deal with my mother. My wedding is in October & months ago went over the guest list with my mother. At that time I asked her if she wanted anyone added to the guest list (within reason of course) which at that time she added people & I let her know of a list of people that were absolutely not invited to the wedding (she is not paying for the wedding) . At that time I ordered invitations corresponding with the number of guest on the list. Fast forward to now (a month and a half before the wedding), my is mother planning my shower. My mother went ahead and invited people to my shower that I made absolutley clear were not invited to the wedding & also added a bunch more people without clearing it with me & demanded I give her 10 more wedding invitations (which I do not have) to cover these unwelcomed guest. I calmly explained to her that she just can't add people to the guest list without clearing it with me & she just went crazy on me & hung up. She refuses to apologize to me claiming she has done nothing wrong. At this point we are not talking & she is demanding I pay her back for my dress. I feel that I am right, but would hate to find out that I am wrong. If I am wrong I would apologize promptly. I could use any advice. Is my mother out of line?
Thanks  

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Help with Momzilla - Advice Needed
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 3:41 PM Go to message in response to: NJsadBride

Hi NJ!

I dont think you're wrong. People who aren't invited to the wedding should not be invited to the shower. Are these people going to expect a wedding invite now?

I don't think it was appropriate for her to force guests on you if she is not paying.

Haven't all the wedding invitations gone out by now with a month and a half away?

 If you need to compromise maybe you can tell her if there is any room when you start getting some "no" responses, you can re-evaluate and see if you can add some people she wants...


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Knoxvegas Posts : 951 Registered: 9/12/07
Re: Help with Momzilla - Advice Needed
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 4:14 PM Go to message in response to: NJsadBride

I can't believe that she added people you expressly said were not invited (especially if she is not paying) and is now demanding you pay her for the dress. Maybe if you explain why no one can be added and why you decided to not invite those people (seems like they are friends of your mom). Moms can get a little nutty when it comes to weddings. Stand your ground.

 

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totobride Posts : 641 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Help with Momzilla - Advice Needed
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 4:16 PM Go to message in response to: NJsadBride

NJ,

I don't think you're wrong at all.  I think you were in the right explaining to her, and she was definitely in the wrong by hanging up. 

Just for reference, and I don't think it's "traditional," but my step mother's friend (who wasn't invited) planned my shower, and it became something where the people who weren't invited to the wedding could come to.  Maybe you could work something like that out with your mom?  I had a very limited guest list, so these were people I might have invited had I had the money/space.

You have to weigh your options here.  Maybe she could pay for the extra invitations and the extra guests?  Are they people that would cause problems? Would you mind having them there if you didn't have to pay for them?

Otherwise, I would pay her back for your dress, and go on planning as you were.  Hopefully, she will come around and be okay with it eventually.


Good luck!


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NJsadBride Posts : 4 Registered: 8/11/08
Re: Help with Momzilla - Advice Needed
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 5:13 PM Go to message in response to: totobride

Thanks everyone. I guess I should have said my mother is a control freak & we have always had problems. I should also add that before all this everything I shower her I pick she would tell me she didn't like, right down to my engagement ring. She does this with everything in my life. I just makes me so mad that she would invite people that I made clear I did not want at my wedding & then invited even more people without even having the respect for me to ask. Grrrrrrr

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Help with Momzilla - Advice Needed
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 5:20 PM Go to message in response to: NJsadBride

Yeah, super frustrating. but the thing is if she invited them without asking her, it's going to be her responsibility to un-invite them. LEt your mom know that if they show up to the reception, there won't be any dinner for them. Or a place for them to sit.
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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Help with Momzilla - Advice Needed
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 5:36 PM Go to message in response to: NJsadBride

My MOH is having her bridal shower.  Honestly, 50 people are showing up.  The guest list is 75.  So, do the math and a lot of people coming to her shower are not coming to the wedding.  They understood beforehand that my MOH is working with a budget.

That being said, are these people that have harmed or disrespected you?  Is it possible you could deal with them at your shower as a compromise to your mom?  I say stand firm on your wedding.  You don't need to go over budget for 10 people especially this close to your wedding day.

Keep us updated.


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NJsadBride Posts : 4 Registered: 8/11/08
Re: Help with Momzilla - Advice Needed
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 5:54 PM Go to message in response to: Mushaboo

No way I can deal with these people at the wedding. They have disrespected me over and over again for the past 3 years.

I told my mother she would need to call the people she added & explain that I can't invite them to the wedding & call the people I didn't want there in the first place & cancel. I just can't believe she does not think she did anything wrong. I guess she thinks disrespecting your grown daughters wishes is part of motherhood LOL 

 

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marty08 Posts : 1,110 Registered: 7/1/07
Re: Help with Momzilla - Advice Needed
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 5:54 PM Go to message in response to: NJsadBride

I'm so sorry...just what you need huh?

You are totally in the right. An extra 10 guests can add up quick!!...and if they are people you don't want there!!

My advice, scream and yell on the boards...(he he...I'm an expert on this one!!) and try calling your Mom, being calm to talk about the situation.  Just let her know it's just not possible to add these people at such a late date.

If you have to go to a shower, please don't feel bad that there are people there that aren't coming to the wedding. There's really nothing you can do about it.  

If your Mom wants her money back for the dress(I so hope it doesn't come to that) just tell her you can pay her back monthly.

Stand your ground on this one...If you are the one who tries to call and work things out, you will know you did everything you could!! 



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NJsadBride Posts : 4 Registered: 8/11/08
Re: Help with Momzilla - Advice Needed
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 7:59 PM Go to message in response to: marty08

Thanks everyone - It sure helps to vent. I tried sending her emails but it didn't seem to help Yell

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Help with Momzilla - Advice Needed
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 10:13 PM Go to message in response to: NJsadBride

dear NJ Bride,

You said your mother is not paying for the wedding; who is?

You? In that case you have control over your guest list.

Your mother is, indeed, out of line. She can invite whoever she likes to the shower, if she is the hostess, and she will be the one who looks bad when that person does not get a wedding invitation.

Take control. If she hangs up, then let her call you. Oh, and do pay her back for your dress. Else she is paying for "part" of the wedding and has a say in who is invited.

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