Help

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nestyn08 Posts : 156 Registered: 7/11/06
Help
Posted: Aug 4, 2008 2:44 PM

Hi Girls,

I was very active part of the community like two years ago. I was engaged for 2 years in a long distance relationship that didn't quite work. So we broke up and now I'm seeing this great guy that really wants to marry me. I love him and he is all the things my ex wasn't. I see more of a marriage with him. The problem is that he didn't tell me he had a baby boy. I'm so upset and I don't know what to do, I really love him but can't stand the fact that he lied to me for a year about his baby (he wasn't sure it was his until ADN test) but anyways I feel I can't trust him but I love him and I don't know what to do. I just need some advice, we were planning to get marry next year and I wanted to start a new life with him but he has this responsability that I would have to take as mine (the baby). What do you think, should that matter? I really don't know what to do

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Ashleyanne2010 Posts : 447 Registered: 5/3/08
Re: Help
Posted: Aug 4, 2008 3:59 PM Go to message in response to: nestyn08

"he has this responsability that I would have to take as mine (the baby). What do you think, should that matter?"

Of course it matters that you would go from being single and childless to married and a stepmom! But how much it matters is up to you.  Are you ready and willing to take on that responsibility or not?  Every person and relationship is different when it comes to previous children- there's no answer but your own.

On another note though, the fact that he kept that a secret is effing ridiculous.  So what if he needed a DNA test to prove it? He should've told you that he was in that situation from the very beginning.  Taking on a kid wouldn't be a deal breaker for me but him keeping that kid and the situation secret would definitely be!!!

Good luck...


 

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Ariana1228 Posts : 281 Registered: 3/2/08
Re: Help
Posted: Aug 4, 2008 4:23 PM Go to message in response to: nestyn08

I agree with Ashley -

it depends on how you feel about the situation but the problem I also see is that he lied and kept this secret from you ... and IMO it is a big deal to keep something from someone.  The way I see it in order for a relationship to work you need to be honest and open with each other, if he couldn't do that as your boyfriend are you going to have doubts about him doing that as your husband? You don't want to start a marriage out on the wrong foot so it depends on how YOU truly feel about the FULL situation.

 Good Luck!!


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nestyn08 Posts : 156 Registered: 7/11/06
Re: Help
Posted: Aug 4, 2008 4:26 PM Go to message in response to: Ashleyanne2010

Thank you so much. I definitely agree with you about the  situation being secret. I learned the hard way that lies don't finish once they start and that's my biggest fear. My ex lied to me couple of times and the relation was never the same, I couldn't trust him again. I don't know if time can heal this but right now I really don't know what to do. I love kids but I always used to say that I would never marry a guy with kids, but I wasn't counting to fell in love with one. I guess I would let time pass a little bit and see how I feel about the whole situation after that. 

Thanks again,

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hellokitty4ever Posts : 740 Registered: 6/6/07
Re: Help
Posted: Aug 4, 2008 9:43 PM Go to message in response to: nestyn08

Keeping the baby a secret from you for a whole year should be a really huge red flag.  Although this may not warrant a break up, it does necessitate the two of you taking things a whole lot slower.  Even if he was unsure of the baby's praternity, he still could have told you about his situation, which might have led you in a whole different direction.  Ask yourself if you're ready to committ to a man plus his offspring.

 


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AvaElzbieta Posts : 7 Registered: 8/7/08
Re: Help
Posted: Aug 9, 2008 12:01 AM Go to message in response to: nestyn08

Hey, first off I want to say I'm really sorry to hear about the situation you've found yourself in, both having lost a previous relationship, and now being blindsighted by this one. The previous posters made some insightful points that I completely agree with: like they said,  this is a gigantic red flag and you might be prudent to consider slowing down, and promising to be a wife is one thing, but wife and mother in one fell swoop is a colossal blow. What worries me is whether this is indicative of how he views responsibility; was he in the child's life at all before the DNA results came in? I don't like that he kept it from you, but if he was afraid that you'd leave him for it, did he perhaps consult his family or friends instead? Has he otherwise been a good partner to you, does he take his responsibility to you and to family in general seriously? Sorry for the 20 questions, and please do pardon me if any of them are too intrustive, but I'm trying my best to be of whatever assistance I can be through the forum. My cousin has a daughter from a relationship she thought was going to last, they've since had a few shallow reconciliations primarily because of her desire to keep a family unit intact. Now from this point on, any potential future partners will need to accept that the role the daughter and her mother and father will play. Are you willing to deal with the baby mama drama? It's a lot more than it seems at first, not only will the kid be torn between two homes but there might be comparisions between his birth mom and step mom, it's been quite the point of contention and rivalry in more than a few relationships I've seen family and friends go through. How are you handling the situation now that the dust has settled a little bit?

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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: Help
Posted: Aug 9, 2008 7:25 PM Go to message in response to: nestyn08

nestyn-

When was it finally disclosed to you about the baby and why?

Did he sit you down and tell you? Did he tell you why he waited so long to tell you? He was probably waiting until he got the results so that in case the baby wasn't his, he would be completely off the hook. 

Yes. That would seriously bother me. It would red flag me as to-what else is he not telling me? Unless he has a really good explanation, I would question whether I want to remain in the relationship.

I just became a stepmom to a 16 year old teen boy and stepmom to a 19 year old daughter. It didn't matter to me because I love my husband dearly and accept everything that comes with him, including his children.

This is something you need to talk to him about. What are his feelings about the baby? Is he a responsible parent?

You need to sit and think about your own values and principles and how they effect this relationship and then make your decision. 


Linda Jo and Dean July 19, 2008


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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: Help
Posted: Aug 10, 2008 1:19 AM Go to message in response to: nestyn08

Wow, this sucks. 

 You've got to talk to him about this.  Why did he wait a year to tell you?  That's a pretty big deal, and you've got to determine if you'll be able to trust him and if you think he will be honest and upfront with you at all times in the future.  It's tough, but communication is essential to a healthy relationship.  

Just don't rush into anything with this guy.  You're already doing great by thinking this through, give it as much time as you need.  Good luck.

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nestyn08 Posts : 156 Registered: 7/11/06
Re: Help
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 9:39 AM Go to message in response to: AvaElzbieta

Hi girls,

I totally agree with all your comments and advices. Thanks.

Ok I will explain somethings first. At first we didn't think our relationship was going to last and it wasn't clear for any of us. He's been a really good partner  and this is one of the reason why I'm giving a second though to the relationship, I mean a second opportunity to him to show me is worth it. He explained things better to me, he was dating this girl and planning to move in together but when she was a month pregnant she moved in with another guy and that was one of the reasons why he had doubts about the paternity, but even though he wasn't sure about it he was responsibly with the girl. And right now he's a responsibly parent and of course he's planning to be part of the baby life and of course I wouln't interfere with that never.

A couple of months after the baby was born he found out it was his things were getting serious between us and he didn't want to lose me ( that was his excuse ). I understand some of his reasons but none of them are good enough. 

Of course this is a HUGE red flag and I'm taking this really seriously. He is a family orientated guy and he takes my family seriously. He really tries to get along with friends and important people for me. I know his family and he respects me in other aspects (I mean he lied and that's no respect at all) but otherwise I really have no other problem or complain about him, before this everything was just perfect. 

About the baby I really don't know how to handle that, I love kids but the baby drama you all talk about is what I'm afraid of. I come from a divorce parents and both of them remarried. I have no problem with my step mom and dad, I feel really lucky to have them but of course all of this would depend on how the mother of the baby handle the situation.

So far I'm taking things really slow to see if I can forgive and move on, if in a couple of weeks things don't get better even though I love him I would have to move in another direction. 


Message was edited by: nestyn08

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Help
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 10:11 AM Go to message in response to: nestyn08

Sorry but this makes no sense to me. So he didnt tell you about his child because he was afraid of losing you. So what was his plan? To keep his child a SECRET your entire life??? I dont understand what his plan was. And why did he finally tell you after all? This whole thing is just plain off.

What does he want to do now that he HAS told you? Is he helping to raise his son? Do they/will they have shared custody or whats the deal? You need to not only ask yourself how you feel about INSTANT FAMILY but more importantly the way in which this was told to you is pretty crappy. He should have told you about all of this THE SECOND you started to get serious as a couple. Anything after that is lying and keeping things from you. I just dont trust it.


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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Help
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 10:14 AM Go to message in response to: nestyn08

I agree with previous posters, but I wanted to raise a few considerations that maybe you hadn't thought of yet.

Like, are you okay not being the only woman in this man's life? He's going to have a permanent connection to that babies mother, whether or not you like it.  Are you okay with the financial burden? I assume he's taking responsibility for the baby and will be paying child support.  That's usually a nice chunk of change, from what i understand.  Are you okay with having a brand new baby around the house?  Is he going to have visitation rights? Or will they have shared custody?  Are you okay with being geographical tied to the child and it's mother? If he has custody or visitation, I'm assuming he won't be able to move too far away, so even if you get a great job opportunity, you won't be able to move without a bunch of complications.  Are you ready to take parenting classes with this man, so you guys can figure out your own methods of parenting?

I don't know, for me, if I found out my FH had a child that he hadn't told me about, it would be a HUGE deal.  Not just the fact that he hadn't told me, like other people have said, but just the complications that it puts on your relationship.  You two won't be able to just begin to adjust to one another, and your relationship will never be 100% your own anymore.  I don't know , maybe this sounds selfish, but I do like kids.  It's different when they aren't your own.  I mean, you're basically decided whether or not you are ready to be a parent RIGHT NOW.  Normally people have 9 months to adjust to the idea!  I just know that I'm 26 and by no means ready to raise someone else's baby.

I hope you make the right choice for you, whatever you decide to do.


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BoysMissLady Posts : 932 Registered: 1/18/07
Re: Help
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 10:43 AM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

Nala, I think you raised some very valid points here, that ppl don't always consider.  And I also know that once your heart has been broken sometimes it is difficult to imagine yourself giving your heart away to someone else.  But a baby is a major undertaking.  This woman will forever be a part of your life.  And the fact that she moved in with a guy while she was one month pregnant with another man's baby makes me think that she may be a bit of a shady character.  Have the two of you met?  How does she feel about having another woman assist in rearing her son?  What type of disciplinarian will she be?  I know that it seems like a lot to digest, but you need to be able to answer these questions now...just as you would if you and he were having a child together.  And be demanding about getting the answers too.  This wasn't your choice, he took that away from you by not telling you when you became serious.  So, IF you choose to go ahead with the marriage...then you take your power back by finding out how this will work.  I will tell you that the amount of child support she will receive will be based on BOTH your incomes.  Just some things to think about.

I wish you the best!


 

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nestyn08 Posts : 156 Registered: 7/11/06
Re: Help
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 11:38 AM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

I totally agree with you, I asked the same question. I also know that he should have told me a long time ago no matter what. That's why I said that nothing excuse him from lying to me. Of course he had to tell me eventually, a kid is something really hard to hide. That was in his mind but I really don't know when. 

I really don't want to excuse him because as I said there is no reason to lie, but we just start things seriously (dating) like 2 months ago. All this time we've been hanging out  I never said I wanted a relationship with him ( I had a BF when I met him and we were just friends) even though all the time he wanted a relationship I wasn't ready for that. But because we were friends at first I don't see the reason to lie or hide that from me.

Of course I understand the complications of a baby in our relationship, I know it would become my responsibility too as far as visiting and him spending time with him. Also the financial part of the whole thing. 

I haven't met the girl but of course I want to meet her and see how she is about the whole situation.

There is a lot things I need from him now in order to even think of giving him a second chance. I need to know everything about  this girl and how this whole situation will be handle from both ways. He said that he won't put me in a situation where I have to take of this baby but knowing me I know I would help him in any way I can if I accept this responsibility because for me kids are sacred.

Anyways you girls have pointed out some things that I need to figure out first, so thanks for bringing really important points to this matter. I'm going to consider all this and make all those questions to myself and determine how this whole situation is going to be handle before making any decision.

We're not engage or anything, but things were really good and because he's been talking about this for a while I was giving it a though. Of course with things the way they are now I'm really re thinking the whole situation and taking my time to realize if this is worth it. As I said besides this whole situation (which is a HUGE DEAL) I really though about marriage with him because the way he is and treats me otherwise and that's why I'm thinking to maybe give it another chance of course if time heal and he makes it up so I can trust him again. 

Message was edited by: nestyn08

Message was edited by: nestyn08

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