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inviting FBIL girlfriend to destination wedding.

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soon2b2010 Posts : 13 Registered: 4/6/07

inviting FBIL girlfriend to destination wedding.: Posted: Jun 1, 2008 4:18 PM; ok here is the deal my FBIL is dating this girl who i absolutely hate. She used to be my FH coworker and ever since the beginning she has been nothing but rude and disrespectful to me. She even went as far as sending my FH sexual text messages at 2 am. of course he didnt respond bc then he wouldnt be my FH lol. When they first started dating I made it very clear that I thought he was making a HUGE mistake. I mean this girl sent your brother sexual messages what more evidence do you need that she is a loose goose. when i seen it started taking a toll on my FH and FBIls relationship I tried to be the bigger person and clear the air. All I wanted was for her to admit her part. And i would admit mine. But she basically told me to shove. But whatever I could care less I did my part and even my FBIL thanked me for trying. but here is the issue should i tell him upfront that she is not invited or should i tell him it depends on how our relationship is when we are closer to leaving. By the time we leave for our DW they would be 2 years together. but if she is still acting this way i dont want her there. I dont know what to do. Sorry for rambling. one more detail the DW wouldnt be til 2010 but we are starting to tell people to save now that way it wont be such a financial shock.

Message was edited by: soon2b2010

pennsylvania , may_2010

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myra Posts : 5,555 Registered: 3/28/06

Re: inviting FBIL girlfriend to destination wedding.: Posted: Jun 1, 2008 4:45 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010; Why not just keep quiet for now? Who knows, by 2010, they may not even be together. Or, they could be married (aaagh!) Either way, your decision will be made for you. Why stir up more conflict now when you don't have to? As for people saving their money, that's really their problem, not yours. So, if she doesn't have the money when the time comes (or, if he doesn't have the money to pay for her), then, again, your problems is solved without your ever having to say a word.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06

Re: inviting FBIL girlfriend to destination wedding.: Posted: Jun 1, 2008 5:04 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010; Dear Soon,

I agree with Myra.

Why borrow trouble? A lot can happen in two years.

If the girl is that big a moron, then let's hope FBIL dumps her in the next two years. See what things are like when invitations actually start going out.

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07

Re: inviting FBIL girlfriend to destination wedding.: Posted: Jun 2, 2008 11:00 AM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010; Well if they will have been together for 2 yrs in 2010, and its only 1/2 way through 2008, then they havent been dating that long to begin with.
I'd definitely re-evaluate the situation at this time next year...if shes as much of a heel as you say, they probably won't even be together then. No sense in worrying about it now....

Formerly Ama102707

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soon2b2010 Posts : 13 Registered: 4/6/07

Re: inviting FBIL girlfriend to destination wedding.: Posted: Jun 2, 2008 1:15 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010; thanks ladies. im just so confused. I really want FBIL to come but I cant stand her and I know for a fact she would ruin our wedding if she was invited. I wish I believed that he would see the light by 2010 but truth is he is so caught up in her they are already moved in together after 6 months. The love word is thrown around like nothing. It makes me sick. I guess im just going to have to keep my fingers crossed. The holidays should be fun this year lol. Have a great day ladies thanks for your advice.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07

Re: inviting FBIL girlfriend to destination wedding.: Posted: Jun 2, 2008 1:36 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010; It's really not fair to judge someone else's relationship. If they live together now, you should notify them both of the wedding, just as you would another couple in the family.
Honestly, though, I REALLY wouldn't worry about it now. Tell your FBIL the wedding information. Most likely, he'll assume that his GF will be invited, as well. If they're no longer dating when it's time to actually INVITE people, then don't worry about it.
If they ARE still dating when your wedding comes around, she deserves to be treated the same as any other family member, regardless of your opinion of her.

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Chad Posts : 637 Registered: 10/3/06

Re: inviting FBIL girlfriend to destination wedding.: Posted: Jun 2, 2008 2:11 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010; ditto artbride

Chad ~ 11.19.05

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soon2b2010 Posts : 13 Registered: 4/6/07

Re: inviting FBIL girlfriend to destination wedding.: Posted: Jun 2, 2008 3:16 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride; I respect your opinions but I seriously doubt you would want someone at your wedding that sent your FH sexual text messages and was outright disrespectful to you. Its not like a regular wedding/reception where you only spend a lil time with each of your guests this would be a week staying in the same resort. And it also isnt just my opinion of her and I do have other people to think about like my FMIL who hates her, my FH who hates her. Should I put one persons feelings over mine. my FH and other people at the wedding. Why should I make everyone else miserable and risk ruining our day?

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,059 Registered: 3/28/06

Re: inviting FBIL girlfriend to destination wedding.: Posted: Jun 2, 2008 3:20 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010; Honestly, don't worry about something that may not even be necessary. People who live together split up all the time. If it does come to that, would it be worth the war it might start not to invite her?

"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - Billy Crystal, When Harry met Sally

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soon2b2010 Posts : 13 Registered: 4/6/07

Re: inviting FBIL girlfriend to destination wedding.: Posted: Jun 2, 2008 3:29 PM Go to message in response to: Bride2008; This is the same thing some of the other girls have said. I think I may just have to wait this one out. and see where it ends up.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07

Re: inviting FBIL girlfriend to destination wedding.: Posted: Jun 2, 2008 4:22 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010; I respect your opinions but I seriously doubt you would want someone at your wedding that sent your FH sexual text messages and was outright disrespectful to you.
I'd get over it. It happened A WHILE ago, and she's dating your FBIL now. Regardless of how you feel about her, she is seriously dating a family member who will be invited. You shouldn't exclude an invited guest's serious SO for any reason. If they weren't living together, I'd say that you might be able to get away with not inviting her...but they are a serious couple, not to mention family.
Honestly, you're borrowing trouble, here. If she's as awful as you think she is, your FBIL probably won't be dating her two years from now and it won't be an issue at all. And if he still is dating her, I think two years is adequate time to let go of your grudge.

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soon2b2010 Posts : 13 Registered: 4/6/07

Re: inviting FBIL girlfriend to destination wedding.: Posted: Jun 2, 2008 4:39 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride; ok let me clarify. She was rude and disrespectful from the beginning. But the text messages were not that long ago maybe a month or two before they started dating. Im not trying to be a bitch just to be a bitch. and I could forgive her and get over it if she would admit her part in the problem.(if you read in my OP I tried to make nice with her). Im hoping she sees the light and tries to come around and work this out if she is serious about staying with FBIL. She has already been excluded from several family events this summer because she doesnt know how to act and is disrespectful. FBIL already knows that she is not welcome at any family events until her attitude changes(this comes from my FMIL not me) so like i said im just going to wait it out. And i guess only time will tell.

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soon2b2010 Posts : 13 Registered: 4/6/07

Re: inviting FBIL girlfriend to destination wedding.: Posted: Jun 2, 2008 4:39 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride; sorry double post

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06

Re: inviting FBIL girlfriend to destination wedding.: Posted: Jun 2, 2008 5:40 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010; I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear but I have to agree with the others that 1. This is not something you really need to worry about right now and 2. That if they are still together by your wedding that it would be rude and divisive not to invite her. Unfortunately, as the saying goes, we don't get to pick your relatives and if this woman is living with your FBIL then she is family. Yes, it very well may suck to have her around during a DW but you have a couple of things you can do. You can use the time to get used to the idea and hope they break up or that she changes her ways. Or, you can change your wedding to something closer so that you won't be forced to spend that kind of time with her. That gives her a LOT of power, though, and I know I wouldn't give someone I disliked power like that. However, you CANNOT ruin your FH's relationship with his brother over this matter (which may happen if you put your foot down about not inviting her to the wedding), that is the most important thing to remember.

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Retired Posts : 808 Registered: 4/17/06

Re: inviting FBIL girlfriend to destination wedding.: Posted: Jun 2, 2008 5:47 PM Go to message in response to: soon2b2010; First, understand that moving in is no guarantee they'll stay together. Not even marriage is a guarantee of staying together - my sister got divorced after a year and a half of marriage.
So as everyone else has said, worry about it when the time comes. Send save-the-dates without directing them at certain names. If she's still together with him two years from now, then as everyone else has said and as I told another poster... your wedding is not the place to be passing judgement on people. I think my FFIL is a totally worthless scumbag (and he is and has called me a four-letter word that begins with a C many a time) but it would be unacceptable not to invite him.
When it comes down to the invitations, if she's still around, be the bigger person and invite her. I'm sure it's no secret to the rest of the family that you don't like her and she doesn't like you, so do the cmmendable thing and extend her an invite. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and be nice even when you don't want to.