In leui of gifts?? HELP!

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KristylovesPete Posts : 301 Registered: 3/2/08
In leui of gifts?? HELP!
Posted: Apr 16, 2008 12:33 AM

So, my FH's uncle is our priest for our wedding and he has highly recommended that instead of a registry that we instead go with "In leui of gifts, please donate to a cause in our name".  Neither my FH or I am crazy about this idea.  It's not that we are greedy, it's that we are in a financial position where getting gifts that we will need and use would be much more beneficail to us.

Does this sound greedy?  If not, what can we say or do as to not offend our priest?   Thanks!  :-)


Peter Pete Pete!

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FutureMrsAylswo... Posts : 47 Registered: 10/8/07
Re: In leui of gifts?? HELP!
Posted: Apr 17, 2008 12:09 AM Go to message in response to: KristylovesPete

Just because he's a priest, I wouldn't let that guilt you into giving to a charity.  Yes, it would be a VERY nice gesture, but you will be newlyweds, and you will be starting out brand new in life together.  That's the whole point of a gift registry!  To help the new bride and groom get started.  I would just tell him nicely "That's a very nice idea.  We (as in you and your fiance) will talk about it and take it into consideration."  You DON'T and SHOULDN'T have to defend the fact that you would prefer to receive gifts.

Message was edited by: FutureMrsAylsworth

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: In leui of gifts?? HELP!
Posted: Apr 17, 2008 12:34 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsAylswo...

I have to say that I really don't get the idea of giving to charity instead of wedding gifts or favors or whatever.  Giving to charity is wonderful, we should all do it to the extent that we can (and everyone can give at least a little!).  And it's true that many couples will want to make a donation to the church above & beyond any fees, in thanks for the blessing of having found each other and the happiness of becoming husband & wife. 

But instead of gifts? Instead of favors?  I just see those as separate things.  I would just tell your FH's uncle that you appreciate the suggestion and will take it into consideration.

It's not like the request when someone dies that people donate to a charity in lieu of flowers.  Flowers only last a couple of days whereas a memorial gift keeps on giving.  If people give you a wedding present, it's usually something that will last for many years, they wouldn't be giving you a floral arrangement. 

And if you don't want to have favors at your wedding, don't have them -- but I feel it's kind of sanctimonious to announce to your guests, "In lieu of Hershey bars we have made a donation to World Hunger."

Just my opinion, of course.

 


"When Women Vote, We All Win!"

EveT

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KristylovesPete Posts : 301 Registered: 3/2/08
Re: In leui of gifts?? HELP!
Posted: Apr 17, 2008 9:32 PM Go to message in response to: KristylovesPete

I know that all we have to do is talk to him but he's just a bit on the intimidating side.  Both his parents and mine are in agreement with us that we should do whatever we feel is right for us.  Now it's just talking to him about how we feel.  Thanks for the input girls!!!  :-)
Peter Pete Pete!

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Chad Posts : 637 Registered: 10/3/06
Re: In leui of gifts?? HELP!
Posted: Apr 18, 2008 8:15 AM Go to message in response to: KristylovesPete

1.  It's really none of his business in the first place.  It's offensive that he felt the need to butt into something that's none of his affair.

2.  If you need items, then you're not greedy.  You're in need.  There's nothing wrong with receiving gifts freely given.

3.  It's never polite to mention gifts anywhere, so the "in lieu of" phrase shouldn't be used at all.  Word of mouth only, no matter which way you go with it.


Chad ~ 11.19.05

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NEbride Posts : 11 Registered: 5/20/08
Re: In leui of gifts?? HELP!
Posted: May 21, 2008 7:11 PM Go to message in response to: Chad

I'm in the same position, my FMIL wants me and my FH to do the same thing and we are both very young and in need of getting started items.  I can relate to the situation.  She doesn't want us to register anywhere for this reason.  At the risk of offeneding anyone we were thinking we may not register.  It would be difficult for anyone to find out where we are registered anyway because if it's supposed to be done by word of mouth--no one knows my MOH and she lives way out west.  She probably would have trouble throwing us a shower in the event she wanted to--for this reason.  It is your MOH that is supposed to host it right?  I was told it can't be anyone in the family like your mom or your FMIL or anything like that.

Message was edited by: DanyellandDusty

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: In leui of gifts?? HELP!
Posted: May 21, 2008 7:56 PM Go to message in response to: NEbride

Hi, DanyandD -- Best wishes on your engagement!  You are right about the etiquette principle that a shower should be given by someone outside the family. 

I agree with you, it is unfortunate that your FMIL thinks you should forgo gifts.  Most people are very happy to present a couple with a gift for their wedding.  There's nothing greedy about registering so that guests will know the specific items that you'll most appreciate.

I hate to bring this up, but is your FMIL paying for all or part of your wedding?  It often happens that parents will offer to pay, but the money comes with strings attached: they expect to have control over various aspects of the wedding.  If that's the case for you, you and your FH will need to decide whether to accept her money and honor her wishes, or decline her money and plan a wedding that you can afford on your own -- which will allow you to do things according to what you think is best. 

If your FMIL is not contributing financially, then you can just say, "Thank you for the suggestion.  We'll keep it in mind when we come to that point in our planning."


"When Women Vote, We All Win!"

EveT

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NEbride Posts : 11 Registered: 5/20/08
Re: In leui of gifts?? HELP!
Posted: May 21, 2008 8:09 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

Thanks for the encouraging words.  Mostly I think FH & I will be paying for it with a generous financial contribution of my dad.


When is my wedding
Wedding Ticker from WhenIsMyWedding.com Message was edited by: DanyellandDusty

Message was edited by: DanyellandDusty

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Chad Posts : 637 Registered: 10/3/06
Re: In leui of gifts?? HELP!
Posted: May 22, 2008 8:28 AM Go to message in response to: NEbride

If your FMIL is not contributing financially, then you can just say, "Thank you for the suggestion. We'll keep it in mind when we come to that point in our planning."

Garishly huge DITTO to Eve's statement.


Chad ~ 11.19.05

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futuremrsperry Posts : 1,904 Registered: 4/23/06
Re: In leui of gifts?? HELP!
Posted: May 24, 2008 3:02 PM Go to message in response to: KristylovesPete

Just because he's a priest does not mean you should take every bit of advise he gives you.  DO NOT feel bad because you want a registry.  Just let him know that you have chose to go with a registry because you need items for your new home.

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phyl53 Posts : 11 Registered: 1/5/08
Re: In leui of gifts?? HELP!
Posted: May 24, 2008 5:18 PM Go to message in response to: KristylovesPete

Personally -  I give to the charities I choose.   I WOULD NOT give to a designated charity by someone else--including a suggestion by a priest  or anyone else. 

Don't EVEN feel guilty for going with his suggestion ---- although you could offer to give his $$$ to the charity of his choice. 

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lookoutthewindow Posts : 32 Registered: 5/22/08
Re: In leui of gifts?? HELP!
Posted: Jun 4, 2008 5:24 PM Go to message in response to: KristylovesPete

I agree with what everyone else has said...it is not anyone's place to tell you whether or not to register for wedding gifts. If you are not wealthy, and you need items to help you get started, then by all means register.

You will probably offend your guests if you require them to donate to charity instead of giving you a gift. Gifts are meant to be a personal expression, and telling someone what to give is just wrong. I also agree that you should not use the expression "in leui of gifts" because you should not mention gifts at all.

Jen

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