Am I taking this too far?

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FutureMrsJRB Posts : 90 Registered: 5/8/06
Am I taking this too far?
Posted: Nov 19, 2007 1:54 PM

Its been a long time since I've posted online but I really dont know where else to turn right now.  You ladies have always been very supportive & honest with the members here &  I am hoping you can shed some light for me.

My husband and I have been married since May.  Roughly 2 months ago he had some medical problems which caused him to miss work and ultimately our very expense rental home as well.  We are currently trying to save money therefore 3 weeks ago, we moved in with my in-laws.  Well, I know that he has been on the internet quite a bit the last week and a half...supposedly just surfing and playing games...No biggie there.  Well, his younger brother gets on this site called "My Space" alot & the other night (Thurs.) I was getting ready for bed & my hubby said he was going to play games online.  I just happened to mention "My Space".  It started out just kidding around by making a comment "I hope you arent on My Space talking to girls or anything".  He laughed it off & told me that M.S. was for kids/teens and that he wasnt on there.  Then he asked me what the big deal about talking to girls online was...I told him that because he is married, it was not necessary.  To me, its just as bad as talking to women on the phone...if your married, you have no business talking to women (flirting) online.  Well he promised me that he wasnt...I went to bed.

Well Friday night, he was shopping with his mom & I was at the house cleaning.  I found a piece of paper with a M.S. screen name & password. Naturally, I got online & checked it out.  His brother told me that he created the user name last (Tues. night) for him.  When I looked at his profile he had "Single...looking for serious relationships, dating or friends" along with a picture of himself.  His contacts were 3 REALLY pretty girls!! I checked all of his messages that he had sent & one was telling the person his name. & the others were between him & a girl that lives in TX (Small world b/c we knew her as kids and she is a lesbian..no biggie there).  But what bothers me is that his brother said he put down that he was married in his profile originally & that my hubby mustve changed it.  It also upsets me that he lied to my face about being on there!!!

I called him home & told him how it made me feel & of course he deleted his M.S. & when I asked him why he lied about it, he said it was because he knew I would get mad and freak out.  That he doesnt understand what the big deal about "chatting" is.  He said its not cheating or trying to cheat. 

I dont talk to men online so why did he need to talk to women.  Am I taking this too far?  I dropped it & made him promise not to do it again...he said he was sorry & really didnt mean to upset me.  I am extremely offended.  Should I be? Should I be wanting to leave my husband? I wouldnt even have sex last night because it made me nautious just thinking about his talking to females while I am asleep at nite!! What should I do??

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Love2u Posts : 1,661 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: Am I taking this too far?
Posted: Nov 19, 2007 2:07 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJRB

In my opinion you are NOT taking this far enough.  Counselling would be appropriate right now.

This same kind of thing was the first symptom of my now failed marriage to my XH.  Regardless of how innocent it may seem, most affairs start out as emotional, not physical, affairs.  I truly believe that most people who cheat don't set out to cheat, but once they start identifying more with someone else than their real partner, it is easy for them to rationalize cheating.  "He/she understands me more than my spouse" or "I just don't feel connected with my spouse anymore."


Love2uKiss

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Am I taking this too far?
Posted: Nov 19, 2007 2:25 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJRB

Him having a page on MySpace is absolutely NO BIG DEAL. A lot of people; teens and adults, have a MySpace page. Him feeling the need to lie to you about having the page, and also stating in his profile that he is Single and Looking IS A VERY BIG DEAL. You need to have a talk about honesty.

See my Advice Column and Blogs at www.brideorama.com :)

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MrsMcCain Posts : 580 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: Am I taking this too far?
Posted: Nov 19, 2007 2:38 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJRB

I think that him putting he was single in his profile is a SERIOUS red flag...and sorry to say this...but if it was my man I would think he was cheating on me and I would consider that cheating, even if it is "just chatting". I think a nice long talk is in order, and if this behavior continues I would seek counseling, or some other type of help. It is not acceptable to do things like this behind your spouse's back. He is not being honest with you and that is not good, especially since you haven't been married that long. If you let him get away with it...chances are he'll continue to do it, becaue he knows he can get away with it. Try asking him how he would feel if you made a profile that said you were seeking men. That little role reversal could go a long way, because I'm sure if he really thought about it that would make him feel like shit too!!!

Good luck, I wish the best for your situation.

 

 

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JenlovesDon1 Posts : 217 Registered: 8/6/07
Re: Am I taking this too far?
Posted: Nov 19, 2007 3:47 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJRB

I don't think you are taking it too far. You have a right to be offended by this.

If he thought you would be mad then why do it in the first place? Obviously he thought he had to hide it from you and that's not right. No matter what excuses he gives you, I would suggest counseling for both of you.

 

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aim2173 Posts : 265 Registered: 10/14/07
Re: Am I taking this too far?
Posted: Nov 19, 2007 3:53 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJRB

Absolutely not!  You are totally right to be upset!  I also had a similar situation with XH...he actually ended up meeting an "old" friend after what I percieved as innocent emails.  It went much further and ultimately ended our marriage. 

I am not suggesting this is what will happen to you but you do need to be aware and as a PP has said maybe get some counciling. 

Good luck.  I hope it all works out for you guys!


                                      Amy and Marc 

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futuremrsperry Posts : 1,904 Registered: 4/23/06
Re: Am I taking this too far?
Posted: Nov 19, 2007 4:09 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJRB

Well MySpace is really no big deal.  I use it and Facebook to keep in touch with friends from high school and college.  We are all so busy and some friends have moved so much it is really easier for us to keep in touch that way. 

My concern would be that he listed himself as single, not married.  You just need to talk to him.  Find out what is really going on.

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Guest
Re: Am I taking this too far?
Posted: Nov 19, 2007 5:22 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJRB

IMO you aren't taking it far enough.  The fact that he's listing himself as Single is a HUGE problem for me!  If FH pulled something like that I don't know what I would do.  Talk to him, ask him why he feels that telling women on the internet he is single is different than telling women he might run into in "real life" that he is single is different.  Chatting not cheating?  Just because it's not physical doesn't mean it's not "emotional" cheating.  Just like you can abuse someone with out ever raising a hand to them, you can keep it in your pants and still be cheating! 

He needs to figure out why he is doing this.  Counseling might help.

 

 


"If we weren't all crazy we would go insane"  ~Jimmy Buffett

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Guest
Re: Am I taking this too far?
Posted: Nov 19, 2007 5:31 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJRB

No, you are definitely NOT taking it too far. I would definitely consider "chatting" with a strange (or familiar for that matter) woman cheating. And even if he has not chatted, but listed himself as single, that is intent to cheat. I agree with the PP that counseling would be in order.

 ~ STEPHEN & MELISSA - DECEMBER 27, 2008 ~

 When is my wedding

 

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ricksang Posts : 100 Registered: 7/28/07
Re: Am I taking this too far?
Posted: Nov 20, 2007 1:37 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJRB

Huge problem!He said he is not cheating or trying to cheat? Why did he have single in his profile then?  Counseling is a good option. If he refuses it, I say leave. I know that is harsh, but you have been married around 6 months and he is chatting with other women online. I am sorry that is bull. If he put single in his profile, I am sure his "chats" weren't so innocent. That is so disrespectful.

 GL to you, you have my sympathy. You don't deserve this I am sure.

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Guest
Re: Am I taking this too far?
Posted: Nov 20, 2007 1:43 PM Go to message in response to: ricksang

I had something almost similar happen.  I thought myspace was a dating website and when I found out my husband had one I was furious.  but then I got on it and looked around and realized it was nothing to be mad about...(i have one now to keep in touch with my family in WI and my army buddies)

It is really easy to get jealous because women mostly put up their sexiest picture .... now my buddy's brother in law had a myspace that my buddy made and to be funny and tick his bIL's GF off he put single and looking on there.  He went through days of trying to explain that he didnt do it.

My advice is to find out why he put single and looking...I used to be a chatter and IMHO it makes you feel good to have someone flirt with you....but that doesnt make it right.  talk to him without accusing him of cheating and find out why he did it.  also if you really dont trust him and want to find out what he is really talking about you can get a webnanny or a keystroke recorder and it find out what is really going on :)


 

www.militarybride.proboards101.com

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: Am I taking this too far?
Posted: Nov 20, 2007 2:15 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I agree with the PPs that you are right to take this as a serious breach of trust.  I don't blame you one bit for being unwilling to have sex with your husband after he did this.  You are not refusing sex to manipulate him, you are being honest about your feelings and protecting your body when your trust has been violated. 

To "socialize" on the internet is one thing (IMO when you're married it is more enjoyable to socialize as a couple, but I recognize that some married couples have independent interests), but for a married man to list himself as single & looking is absolutely unacceptable and a major red flag for your marriage.  My advice is that you look for a good couples counselor, and if your husband is unwilling to go to counseling then you really need to give serious consideration to separating from him.

I am so sorry this is happening.  Best of luck to you, and please come back and let us know how you are doing.


EveT

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MandyandVance Posts : 650 Registered: 4/10/06
Re: Am I taking this too far?
Posted: Nov 21, 2007 12:27 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  IMO, trust is one of the most important aspects of a successful marriage - your DH has violated your trust.  I have always told DH that if I ever felt that I couldn't trust him our marriage would be over.  I do agree with the other ladies in that counselling is a great idea.  He needs to regain your trust and possibly cancel his myspace account.  If it were me in this situation I would seriously consider separating from him.  

Good luck and please keep us updated. 

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RoBelle Posts : 1,236 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Am I taking this too far?
Posted: Nov 23, 2007 9:56 PM Go to message in response to: MandyandVance

The fact that he changed his profile from married to single is very disrespectful to say the least.  I am so sorry you are going through this but you need to sit him down and try to find out what his intentions are for this myspace.  I have a myspace account that I created to "SPY" on my girls who both have accounts on there.  I also make it known to those viewing my page that I am married WITH children and I also posted pics of my family, husband and children on there as well.  I have a couple of male friends on there, but these are guys I knew since I was young.  I think it would be rude of me to start a new friendship with a guy I now jack nothing about and start these "chats" with him out of the blue.  I've been messaged quite a few times from men asking me to add them as friends but I just ignore it.  If I feel that they are going to step over the line and disrepect then I don't want to be bothered.  What can you possilby speak about to someone you JUST met ON the internet at that about you and your personal life.  I feel that there are hidden intentions there that needs to come out immediately.  And for the fact the only friends he has so far are females.   I don't know, who summoned who there.  Did he send them a friend request FIRST and if so why?  Why did he accept the friend request of these women IF they sent him the request FIRST.  And for him to lie about something SO small and simple is puzzling.  These are all of the things that needs to be evaluated. 

Sorry for my rambling but I too would be upset, hurt and confused. 


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Guest
Re: Am I taking this too far?
Posted: Nov 27, 2007 12:25 PM Go to message in response to: RoBelle

I am very concerned that he had a profile, with picture, saying he was single on MySpace. I would see a counselor ASAP. I would also look at the cookies for the computer to see what other sites he is visiting. 

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