Oh my gosh you poor thing - I'm in a similar situation as well. Everyone on here has offered some great advice and validated your feelings, so I just wanted to ad one more e-hug to the pool. Hang in there girl! Just remember that soon you'll be married and that will be one more step to independence from difficult and toxic parents. xoxoxo

www.ronandkelly.net

Give the money back, take your ovaries, and run far, far away!

In all seriousness, I have to agree with most of the PPs.  Don't take money that comes with strings attached; it just leads to more headaches in the future.  You sound like you have enough to deal with now.  Try to be as polite as possible, but tell your father that you've had a change of heart, and you don't think you can accept the money in good faith because you don't know whether or not you want to wait five years to have children.  You don't want him knocking on your door in four years, eleven months, and 364 days just because things didn't work out according to his plan (and having kids is not exactly cheap, so you might really NEED that two grand then!)!

*hugs*  Hang in there!  I hope things don't get any worse for you; you should be enjoying your wedding planning!

I was absolutely stunned as I read your post Kimmy. It was as if I had wrote it myself. I've read many posts dealing with family issues, but never one that read exactly like a page out of my own life. It is comforting to know there are others out there going through the same thing. It's all the same, right down to the alcoholism, the alienation of family and friends, the mental abuse of each other, to the negative attitudes and opinions of everyone and everything.
I've also read the responses others have posted and all their advice is awesome, so I really don't need to repeat what they've already said.
There is, however, one additional comment that I'd like to add. Why in the world are you putting up with their crap?????
I couldn't beleive it when I read that your trying to stay diplomatic while they walk all over you. And then, when you did get 'snappy' in defending yourself, you felt bad about it. Why should you feel bad? They sure in the heck don't. They're walking all over you because you're letting them and not speaking up for yourself.
It really took my FH to bring that point to light for me. I am (was) EXACTLY like you. My parents (well, just my mom as I have estranged from my dad), would always say really insensitive, selfish, hurtful things and I'd just take it and say nothing. It's been like that all my life, so I really didn't know any better. Once my FH came along and quickly learned the dynamics of my family, he pointed this out to me. Like you, I was afraid to cause any waves because I'm scared of fighting and conflicts, and in my family if you fight, you never speak to each other again. But staying quiet and taking it is not the right way to be. You need to stand up for your self and the selfish manner in which they're treating you. Yell, scream, put them in there place and tell them you are not going to take it anymore!
That's what I did, and I'm not going to lie to you, it really damaged the relationship with my mother. It's like if she doesn't have anything negative to say to me, then she's got nothing.
But everyone in this post is right - is it a relationship worth saving and having if it only drags you down?
I haven't spoken to my father in a year because of a dispicable thing he did and refuses to apologize or make ammends for. He's done horrible things his whole life, but this was the straw that broke the camels back. At first it was hard, but now it doesn't bother me one bit. Its actually a big relief not having that stress or anxiety he'd always cause in my life anymore. Things are more peaceful.
Bottom line - you're getting married and starting a family of your own. That's your number one focus and concern. As I did, you need to remove all negativity from your life to create a positive, healthy environment for your own family.
My dad and my brother are not welcome at my wedding (my brother's a screw up too), and my mother is merely a guest who's not involved in any planning. And I most certainly do not want any money from them - that's a disaster just waiting to happen. It's the way I want it to lessen my stress - rather than add to it worrying about how much of a scene my father would make.
I'm sorry to go on and on for so long, but because I see me in your story, I feel really close to your situation. I hope you'll think about what I've said here and do what's best for you and your future family.

Well, I'm not necessarily saying that you should cut contact. For my dad, it was his actions that lead to the estrangement. He's used to always doing something horrible and family just turning a blind eye and pretending like it never happened. That's what he was hoping I'd do with this incident. But that's not what happened. This time I didn't pretend like nothing happened. I wanted him to be sorry and apologize, I wanted him to fix the damage he caused. He refused, so what am I to do? I'm not going to just let him off the hook and pretend it's all OK, and I can't call him and demand he be sorry. Therefore, we no longer speak.
All I'm saying to you is to stand up for yourself. The thing that got to me the most in your post is how you're letting them say and do all these hurtful things and doing nothing about it. If there are no consequences for their actions, they will continue to behave in the same manner.
For you, the consequences don't have to be cutting ties, but they can be you getting upset with them and making them more accountable for their actions. Maybe putting them in their place will be all you need to give them a little attitude adjustment.
When my mother starts saying hurtful things, I speak up now. We may argue, and usually it ends with her saying "Fine", or "Whatever", but I feel good that I'm standing up for myself now rather than laying down and taking it. She shuts her mouth on a lot of things now that she used to like to spout off about!
Don't know if that's the answer for you, but it may be worth a shot!

ArtBride, I have to respectfully disagree with you.  There are times when cutting out family members may be the best thing for you.  I'd say that if you've dealt with mental/physical abuse (which I believe that alcoholism and control issues are), and this has been going on for years, then to mentally save themselves the family should be cut off.

My situation is a little different from the OP's, but my mom's control issues and alcoholism didn't stop with me.  She didn't stop when her actions affected my DH.  And she tried to get all of my children (ages 14 to 2) involved in her drama as well.  I think that if you want to stay in the lives of toxic people, that's fine.  But it is not OK to drag your FH or any future kids that you have into that mess.  If she chooses to have a relationship with her parents, then she needs to see them or speak to them on her own, without the DH and kids.  They don't deserve to put up with that crap because of her biological connection to those people.

But as I said, this would be if what they are doing is very destructive.  And the OP said that along with the alcoholism, there is verbal abuse as well.  No future children should be subjected to that, even if they are not the target of the abuse.

Just my 2 cents.

Kimmy after reading your post I thought I was reliving my life with my parents. A little background...my parents divocrced when I was 13 and it was a real ugy divorce. I didn't have any contact with my real father because of all the hurt and crap he put me thru. Not to mention that he was never there for me. Move forward my mom remarried. Now growing up with my mom was difficult. We never really got along that well.

She was very controlling in her own maniupilative ways. My brother had a falling out with our mom and stepdad and decided to cut ties with her. He is now married and is concentrating on his new family.

Fast forward a few years. I graduated college and am living at home to save money. I ended up getting a job at the same place where my mom works. NEVER A GOOD IDEA to live and work with your mom especially when she is one of your supervisors. Not only was it difficult to work with her it was also difficult to live wit her. Here I am graduated from college living at home, but they treated me like I was 16. I had to do everything she said no matter what. If I didn't there was hell to be paid.

I'm not a religious person at all. I do believe in God, but I don't go to church. While I was living at home I would go to church just to please my mom. Well after the service was over I would leave and she would stay. She would get so upset with me because I didn't stay there with her. Are you kidding me. Even friends and past relationships saw how controlling her and my stepfather were. Plus they would always throw things in your face or use some form of blackmail to get what they want and put strings attached to something they did for. I alsways got the "we're putting you thru college so you have to do what we say" kind of thing.

Fastforward some more where I met my DH (boyfriend at the time). I had a falling out with my mom and stepdad (just like my brother did) and got kicked out of my house. I ended up moving in with my DH after only 3 months of meeting him. It was not easy and I thank God for all his support.

I just couldn't take their controlling manipulative ways. I had to start living my life according to me and do what makes me happy. DH could see how toxic my relationship was with my parents. I knew I had to cut all ties with them. Was it easy? By no means. It was very hard to emotionally accept the fact that I had to cut ties with them. There were a lot of tears. There were times when I didn't think DH and I would make it. But we did and we're so strong together. He's been a huge support system.

There is a quote I read that sticks with me and is so true in my situation and maybe yours: "The family you come from isn't as important as the family you create". It took me a long time to realize that. It was very painful at first, but I knew that it was the right thing for me to.

My advice to you is don't accept their money, because it was come with conditions and strings attached. Go on planning your wedding day.

I didn't even send my mother or stepdad and invitation to my wedding. Do I regret it? No. I sent an invitation to my real dad because over the years we had some contact with each other. Did he go to my wedding? No. Was I upset? Maybe a little at first, but I got over it. I only wanted the people who truly loved us and were truly happy for us to be a part of our special day.

Good luck with everything and know that I know exactly how you feel.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

DH and I Rolled the Dice and Took a Gamble at Marriage on July 15, 2006 at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas! Viva Las Vegas

Kimmy - Honestly, my best advice for you is to stop asking them for money. Don't accept the $2000, don't ask them about paying more for this or for that, tell your mom that you love the idea of her baking the cake but you want her to be there with you during the day(s) before the wedding and not worrying about the cake, etc.

Basically, stop asking them for help on things and they will have no choice but to stop offering it.

 Marrying my favorite little ladybug - and it's getting so close!!!