rude cousin vent

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
rude cousin vent
Posted: Oct 7, 2007 9:52 PM

Ladies, my wedding was 5 months ago but I just found out something that really burns me up.  Bear with me while I vent.  We were keeping our guest list small so the relatives we invited were only going to be 1st degree (parents, siblings, nieces & nephews) -- no cousins.  But DH had 2 cousins who basically called him and invited themselves.  He felt we should invite them so I said OK.  One of them came and was very friendly, but the other one never RSVPd, did not come, didn't send a card or anything, and we've never heard from her since.

Only now did I find out that before the wedding this same cousin had called my then-FH, not once but twice, to tell him he should not be getting married.  Her exact words were "I'm not gonna let you get married."  WTF???  She said she felt it was "too soon" after his being widowed.  What the %#@* business is it of hers?  She's going to decide whether to "let" a cousin get married???

Plus, this woman is a widow herself, and her life has been a shambles since her husband died . . . I won't go into detail, but she's completely dysfunctional.  It was just today that my DH told me of their conversation, which he's still burned up over.  He told me that he retorted to her, "I'm not going to go through life like you" (i.e. she couldn't get a date if her life depended on it).

This all took place before he asked me to put her on our guest list!  I'm just amazed that he still felt obligated to invite her.  I was glad she didn't come, because when I met her at the holidays last years she acted somewhat rude toward me, but now that I know about this I am really glad she didn't show up.

A few weeks after our wedding this cousin apparently had a falling out with other relatives, so chances are I won't see her during the holidays this year . . . but if I do see her, how am I supposed to behave toward her?  I am just shocked that she would say something like that.  The way I feel right now, she is never coming to my house.  What would you do if this was your DH's cousin?


EveT

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KitKatBar Posts : 983 Registered: 7/23/06
Re: rude cousin vent
Posted: Oct 7, 2007 9:59 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

I'm sorry that this cousin is acting like that. If you do see her during the holidays, be the bigger person. Be cordial and polite, but don't go out of your way. If she starts crap, let your DH handle it, it's his cousin.

 

I wish I could be more help Eve. 


 

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: rude cousin vent
Posted: Oct 7, 2007 10:00 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

I would ignore her. If she does start with either one of you, simply say "DH and I are so happy that we have found each other and are lucky enough to spend the rest of our lives together". DH WAs probably sure she wouldn't show up, so he didn't see any harm in inviting her.


 

"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - Billy Crystal, When Harry met Sally 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: rude cousin vent
Posted: Oct 7, 2007 10:25 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

Dear Eve,

"What would you do if this was your DH's cousin?"

Be polite to her if I see her, but not seek her out.

(You have enough common sense to already know this. I'm just confirming your usually excellent judgement. What was that line I stole from you? Stand still in family relationships? Let them be the ones who move?)

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: rude cousin vent
Posted: Oct 7, 2007 10:39 PM Go to message in response to: Bride2008

In answer to Bride2008's comment, "DH was probably sure she wouldn't show up, so he didn't see any harm in inviting her."  

Maybe, but it seems to me that she could have disrupted the wedding when they asked, "If anyone knows why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace."  Of course she didn't actually have any kind of legitimate reason, but it sure would have been embarrassing!  I guess I can just thank my lucky stars that it didn't happen!


EveT

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LochNessie Posts : 1,631 Registered: 4/2/07
Re: rude cousin vent
Posted: Oct 7, 2007 10:47 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

Wow, Eve.  Just wow.  That's awful.  I guess she was just projecting her ruined life onto your DH's. 

I agree with AOTB (and apparently you?).  Don't be rude to her, but don't look for her either.  I would be polite, but cool.

Again, I'm so sorry and flabbergasted that anyone could do this.  It seems bad behaviour really knows no bounds.

-Ness


 

And when you say forever can't you see you've already captured me. - Mae

Good luck, BL3 ladies!

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: rude cousin vent
Posted: Oct 7, 2007 11:06 PM Go to message in response to: LochNessie

Thanks for the supportive comments, ladies!  

I kind of wish my DH hadn't mentioned this to me, but apparently it has been kind of bothering him, so I'm glad he shared it.  I guess we can just "consider the source," as they say. 

I am certainly not going out of my way to have any dealings with this cousin -- and DH is fine with that.  If we decide to host a family event at some future date, it's going to be immediate family only, she is not getting invited over here.  If I encounter her at anybody else's house, I'll just do my best to be occupied with other people and pay little or no attention to her other than saying hello.


EveT

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FALLbrideINLOVE Posts : 1,056 Registered: 3/30/07
Re: rude cousin vent
Posted: Oct 8, 2007 8:43 AM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

you say her life is in shambles

 

i would be compassionate to her.

 

 we never know what life has in store for us

 

i would say that ignoring her is not the right path

 

perhaps you can call her and address the problem.  attempt a resolution and if she is not open to it, shelf the issue for now

 

i hope that the three of you find a peaceful conclusion! 

 



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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: rude cousin vent
Posted: Oct 8, 2007 11:09 AM Go to message in response to: FALLbrideINLOVE

Wow - I'm sorry, Eve! What a crappy situation! 


It sounds like you know what to do, though. I'm sure you knew what to do before you even posted! :) If it were me, I'd probably do my best to forget I even knew what she had said. It sounds like she has more on her plate than your marriage - perhaps jealousy that your DH was remarrying and she can't find anyone - so I'd try to write it off as jealousy and forget about it. Don't seek her out, but be cool and polite if she speaks to you, like others have said above. 

DaisypathWedding Ticker

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: rude cousin vent
Posted: Oct 8, 2007 11:18 AM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Thanks, all!  I really appreciate your supportive comments and your viewpoints!

I have to admit that FALLbrideINLOVE has a good point: we never know what life has in store for us.  I of all people should remember that, considering what happened 2-3 yrs ago with the completely unexpected illness and death of my late husband. 

I am going to try to put her unkind remarks behind me -- she didn't stop us from getting married and she never did anything after those conversations to interfere or cause trouble.  It's in the past.  And to the extent that there is any lingering issue, it's between her and my DH.

But thanks for "listening," ladies!


EveT

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seadreamer Posts : 522 Registered: 6/8/07
Re: rude cousin vent
Posted: Oct 8, 2007 12:58 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

Eve I have a lot of experience in this area.  My cousin's wife sounds like this woman to a tee.

My first husband was killed at the age of 26.  This was four years ago, and at the time my cousin was just dating this horrible woman.  She actually said at the funeral,"Well I am so glad we do not have to listen to his boring stories anymore".  I do believe that was totally out of line.

Now when my cousin got engaged to this horrible woman I do admit I so wanted to do what your DH's cousin did, but I refraned from it.  I had to deal with so much from this woman, and they way I deal with her now, is I ignore her when it is possible.  When it is not possible, I just say what absolutely has to be said and move on. 

Just try your best to take the high road.  It is VERY hard, believe me, but it will also irritate the crap out of her that she is not getting to you.  

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EveT2007 Posts : 1,949 Registered: 8/31/06
Re: rude cousin vent
Posted: Oct 8, 2007 1:21 PM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

Dear Seadreamer, 

I am so sorry about that incredibly rude remark at your husband's funeral!  To say it at all was totally out of line, but to say it to a 26-yr-old widow -- just unbelievable.  People do say the oddest things when someone dies, though.  I found that help and compassion come from unexpected sources, and sometimes the people you most rely on to be helpful will let you down.  Your cousin's wife may be kicking herself for that remark and wishing there's some way she could undo it.

See how much easier it is to be understanding when it's not your own family member who is being obnoxious?

Next time I have to deal with this cousin, in addition to not letting her get to me, I will try to remember to think of you and smile inwardly.  If you can do it, I can do it.

Peace,


EveT

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: rude cousin vent
Posted: Oct 8, 2007 1:37 PM Go to message in response to: seadreamer

Seadreamer - that woman sounds like a HUGE b*tch. Some people just have no class. Redardless of opinions, you NEVER EVER say anything about someone has died, especially to his widow.

 

"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - Billy Crystal, When Harry met Sally 

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MrsDupont Posts : 1,574 Registered: 4/14/06
Re: rude cousin vent
Posted: Oct 8, 2007 4:54 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

I would at first say ... oh well damn... thats why the little B***** never showed up... good i'm glad she didnt come anyways... i would kinda laugh about it... because its over nothing can be done.

But just ignore her if you see her for the holidays... she's gonna be around especially if she is a widow... and disfunctional..

i wouldnt invite her over either.... but you also have to be open to what your husband wants as well... it is his cousin and his house as well.. Maybe he feels a little sensative to her needs...

 I dont know... i'm assuming!

 


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MrsDupont Posts : 1,574 Registered: 4/14/06
Re: rude cousin vent
Posted: Oct 8, 2007 4:54 PM Go to message in response to: EveT2007

I would at first say ... oh well damn... thats why the little B***** never showed up... good i'm glad she didnt come anyways... i would kinda laugh about it... because its over nothing can be done.

But just ignore her if you see her for the holidays... she's gonna be around especially if she is a widow... and disfunctional..

i wouldnt invite her over either.... but you also have to be open to what your husband wants as well... it is his cousin and his house as well.. Maybe he feels a little sensative to her needs...

 I dont know... i'm assuming!

 


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