I'm really confused, I need advice

Online Users: 1,304 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 24


Soon2BTaylor Posts : 258 Registered: 6/1/06
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 27, 2006 2:06 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I think this is mainly a trust issue.  Only you can determine whether this is a drinking thing...which it sounds like it is not!  I think he may have some trust issues, that is why he doesn't want you going out.  It's not the end of the world..but it is a major issue.  If neither one of you feel you can do soemthing without worrying what the other will say, then maybe you should talk to someone before you get married, and figure out where these issues come from.  Bottom line is that it is something that will just build up over time, and explode at a random moment.  You don't want that to be 5 years down the road.  Have a serious talk with him about the lying, find out if he's willing to talk with someone...Good Luck Hun!

Reply
Guest
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 27, 2006 7:20 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2BTaylor

I agree with KimmyJo that the scenario described is not a drinking issue. I know when I was younger there were a few times that I got drunk and didn't remember the whole night, for some people it's a part of being in your early twenties. I don't really drink anymore, I outgrew it. I also agree that this is a trust issue and you need to talk with him about it because it will only get worse. Explain to him just like you explained it here, you don't understand why he thinks he can tell you where you can go and who you can hang out with. You're not doing anything wrong and if he trusts you than he shouldn't be worried. Maybe he'll realize he's being unreasonable and change his behavior.

Reply


misses Posts : 91 Registered: 8/2/06
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 27, 2006 8:21 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

No one can tell you about what to do with your relationship. You have to sit down and ask yourself some really deep questions: for instance Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you can't even trust?  Do you want to be with someone who may have a drinking problem? Remember in marriage, his problems are your problems. What about the future, will he lie about more important issues like money, bills, affairs? Will he get drunk and embarass you in front of co-workers or family? Do you want to be in a marriage where someone is trying to control you and where you go? Once you do this , you will know what to do about this relationship. Hopefully, you and him will be able to sit down and discuss what you both expect in a spouse. Just don't rush into something you or he may not be ready for.

Reply


mrslilysolovely Posts : 2,130 Registered: 7/24/06
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 29, 2006 1:42 AM Go to message in response to: misses

I agree with bridesmom -

His own behavior at the bar while you are not there, is the measuring stick he uses to determine how you behave in a bar without him being there. Like others I have known, his perception  seems to be that the bar is the place you go to misbehave ( if the ladies who saw him with the other girl are correct). If a person knows that they are not doing the right thing - most people will deny (to themselves and to you) any wrong-doing by lying - thinking that if the whole episode were erased, it will be easier to "cover their tracks".  As a general rule, bars are not bad places - I worked at one for a couple of months and that's where I met FH, so I am not bashing anyone who goes to bars.  But, as a bartender, I saw it all - some people just hang out, others have to be misbehaving to have a good time, and others have to be tempting those naughty misbehavers, to make themselves feel better about their own shortcomings.  Your FH knows what he does when he is out and he does not trust you not to do the same. The lying has two purposes 1) if he says he was not at the bar then he "surely" has not done anything wrong. 2) If he says he did not go, then you don't go and he knows you are not doing anything wrong.

If you really want to keep him - definitely see a counselor.

Good Luck


Reply
Guest
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Oct 30, 2006 5:05 PM Go to message in response to: Belinda

"I don't mind if he goes to a bar because he does go and play pool and have a few beers. The only thing that I have told him is that if you go to a bar, then I get to go to a bar with my friends and he does not like that. Which is totally unfair to me in everyway."

 

    This problem is huge.  Not only is he lying (which should be a complete deal-breaker on it's own).  But, the reason he doesn't want you to go to the bar with your girlfriends is that he is worried you will do precisely what he does at the bar - hit on the opposite sex.   Also, since you haven't banned him from the bar, why is he lying about it?  Answer: because he has something to be worried about. 

 

Reply
Guest
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Nov 1, 2006 9:11 AM Go to message in response to: Belinda

Put off the wedding for a year. If you don't have trust, you don't have anything. You're not starting the rest of your lives on a stable foundation and your house of cards will likely collapse ending in divorce. Work on trust and honesty during the year you put the wedding off. Consider couples counseling in the mean time.

Reply
Guest
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Nov 1, 2006 9:17 AM Go to message in response to: Belinda

Speaking from personal experience, you need to break it off. There is someone out there that will treat you like you deserve to be treated. I was in your shoes 3 years ago and the relationship that I am in now is the one that was always in my dreams. I thought that my first love would always change, that I could live with the lies and deception, but I realized that I deserved better than that. When you realize that he is never going to change you need to stay single for awhile and find out what you really want in a realationship and not settle for anything less. I broke up with my ex-fiance 3 months before my wedding, and I have no regrets.

Reply
Guest
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Nov 1, 2006 12:11 PM Go to message in response to: Belinda

Guy time is great and drinking with your friends isn't bad.   He sounds so much like my ex that it's frightning!

 The part about your post that worries me is that he is not letting you do things.  He can go out but you need to stay home...that is one of the big Red flags that point to some major future issues in abuse...maybe not physical but verbal or emotional.  He sounds like he wants to be in control of what you do.  I highly recomend counciling and if he refuses to go...go alone and talk to someone yourself.  This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.  Keep your chin up and stay safe!

 


BrideagainLaughing

Reply
Guest
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Nov 8, 2006 7:34 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I would be very worry if my fiance lie to me and flirting with other women,there no excuses for that.

once a cheater always a cheater,so be careful and just talk to him.

Dayana and Matt




Message was edited by dayana1979 on Nov 8, 2006 7:35 PM

Reply


NatSeptBride Posts : 888 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: I'm really confused, I need advice
Posted: Nov 9, 2006 9:33 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Nobody can tell you what the right decision is for you.  However  I think that you're leaning more one way than another.  You did mention," should I break up with him." ... It sounds to me like he has some insecurity issues if he's not wanting you going out with your friends to the bar.  That could be just because he's insecure or it could be because of what he does when he's at the bar.  If he is lying to you, it's a huge problem... Communication is a huge aspect of a successful relationship... If you are fighting this much now it's not going to get better when you're married it will get worse... None of this is going to get better if you get married.. This needs to be sorted out now... Personally I agree with the other girls that said you're seeing red flags, and you're really just looking for confirmation that you're right.  The only person who truly knows if you're right or not.. is you!   As far as the red flags.. I see them and so do alot of other girls on here... But in the end you have to make the decision that is right for you... Good luck.

Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine