A Little Worried

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Guest
A Little Worried
Posted: Sep 27, 2006 11:26 AM

I'm a little bummed out, and maybe a little worried, that my FH isn't adjusting to it being "us" as quickly as I wish he would've.  We've been together for over 4 years, and we've lived together for just over a month now.  I love our relationship, but sometimes I feel sad and/or irritated because I don't think that my FH is considering me when he makes decisions.  One of the biggest examples of this is, a few weeks ago he bought a new car insurance policy without consulting me about it.  (I was planning on shopping around for the best policy that we can both go on)  Also, just last week, his parents told him that we're having a day-after wedding brunch (which I had never even heard was being considered), and he just said "OK!" and didn't even tell me about it until a few days later.  (My dad is also planning a picnic, which I had mentioned awhile back to my FH, and now we have to get up early to make it to the brunch and then rush over to my parents' for their get-together) There are a few other minor examples of this, but that's a good sampling.

Now, the issue that brings on this post is that he really irritated me this morning when I woke up, rolled over in bed, and saw him at the mirror straightening his tie.  I was surprised that he was up, since he has to be at work a full hour later than I do, so I asked, "What time is it?"  It turns out that it was 7:15--just 45 minutes until I had to be at work!  He had been up for long enough to brush his teeth, dress, etc, and, even knowing what time I had to be at work, left me lying there asleep!  When I asked why he didn't get me up, he said, "I didn't really think about it" and when I pressed him further, he said, "well, Hun, it's not my responsibility to get you up for work!"  Yell  I know it's not his responsibility to make sure that I'm up, but wouldn't it have made sense for him to think that I must've slept in and wake me up?  Even with rushing around and making it out the door without any make-up on, I was still 10 minutes late for work.  Finally, and this is probably just wedding stress coming out, but as I was rushing out the door, he nicely handed me a mug of coffee that he'd poured for me.  The only problem is that I couldn't drink it on the ride into work because it was black, and I NEVER drink my coffee black.  That made me feel bad, too, because after all this time, I feel like he should know how I like my coffee!

I know that he's not being inconsiderate on purpose, but it's pretty frusterating. (He is really used to looking out just for himself--and I can tell that he tries to consider me when he's making a decision--and he's usually really good at that--but he sometimes forgets).  So, is this a problem, or should I cut him some slack, since he usually is considerate of me?

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Guest
Re: A Little Worried
Posted: Sep 27, 2006 11:41 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

to answer you question yes and no.

yes- you are making too big an issue that he didn't wake you up and that he gave you the wrong coffee.  you are a big girl and it is your responsibility to get yourself up...everyone oversleeps once in awhile. and the fact that he gave you coffee means he is trying. 

no- it concerns me that he is making decsions without talking to you first.  so you need to talk to him and let him know that you have a few concerens.

however remember that it is going to take time for BOTH of you to adjust.  Hubby and i moved in togher 6 months before the wedding and we have been married about 5 months....we JUST got our bank accounts merged and joint care insurance. 

we still have tiffs about laundry, dishes, where to put the mail, how to pay the bills, etc.

it is a learning experieince for both of us that takes time and patience.

 

Talk to your FH about a few of your concerns and see if you can come up with a game plan to help you both adjust. 

good luck! everything will be okay!

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Guest
Re: A Little Worried
Posted: Sep 27, 2006 11:43 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

LOL, i hate sleeping in!!!GRRRR! But back to you, I think, as a person who is living with her FH and is loving and hating some things about it, that you need to do two things....

1) you need to wait for a time when you are not angry, when you can offer FH more than your feelings of failed expectations, and GENTLY tell him what is bothering you. Tell him that you dont feel as special as you thought you would during this time. Maybe express to him that you wonder if he is just adjusting to it being not just HIM anymore. Chances are ( i went through this same bloddy thing) that you beau is just not aware of ALL of your needs...can you blame him? We are complicatred creatures..lol

2) You need to look at this time in your life as an adjustment period, and also ....let him give you WHAT he can, WHEN he can. He didnt wake you, not to hint at the fact that he doesnt love you or need you , or want you there, he just didn't think you wanted, or expectedf that of him.

Treat him graciously, im only saying this because i went through the EXACT same thing with my FH. He let me totally sleep in, and didn't think to wake me...there are far more devastating things our men could do to us...love him and tell him how you feel, and i promise you that things will iron themselves out.

Good luck, and Congrats!!!!:)

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Guest
Re: A Little Worried
Posted: Sep 27, 2006 11:55 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

with the wedding three days away, i think you need to relax and trust that you love each other and you will be able to work this out. And you say he is usually considerate, he must be a good guy and isn't doing any of this intentionally.

 

But there is something to be worked out - it took my FH a while to learn that i need to make plans ahead and I hate when plans change suddenly - now he's better at telling me and i've learned to relax a bit. You're right that your FH needs to learn to consider you in decisions and in life... I can't believe he didn't wake you up!  If he can't see the problem, maybe you two could get help from a counselor who knows the best approaches to seeing each others needs. 

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Guest
Re: A Little Worried
Posted: Sep 27, 2006 12:21 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I have to say I would be a little upset if my hubby was awake and knew I had to be somewhere but let me sleep, while its not his responsibility, well actually it kinda is, I consider it my responsibility to help DH to be where he needs to be.  It's about helping each other out when you need it.  However the coffee thing is just overreacting.  I only eat white cake, vanilla ice cream, etc but DH still asks what kind of cake do I want  but I don't get upset about it.  Try to relax, key word TRY, because this is a once in a lifetime event and you'll enjoy it more you're relaxed.  Good luck!

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Guest
Re: A Little Worried
Posted: Sep 27, 2006 12:51 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

i hear the first few months are the HARDEST!!! so i think what you are experiencing is normal. i think you just need to work on your communication. TELL your DH how this makes you feel. i agree with the other girls who say not making your coffee w cream is no biggie... BUT IT IS TO YOU! and THAT is what is important. i mean we ALL have our pet peeves. you should see me when DH and I are at the store and he tries to buy an entire watermelon i KNOW he won't eat. i go BESERK! i hate getting more than we need.  let your DH know that sometimes you wish he was more in tune to your tastes. talk with him about your likes and dislikes. let him know its OK if you don't like the same things, but that you will make an effort to accomodate his likes if he makes an effort to accomodate yours. ask him what gets HIS goat. maybe it drives him crazy if you leave the dishes in the sink instead of putting them in the washer? we all have our things. i don't think your marriage is in toruble in the slightestSmile but if you keep your frustrations inside without sharing them it could end up being so. i am sure you guys will work it out. best wishes.

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Guest
Re: A Little Worried
Posted: Sep 27, 2006 12:52 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Thanks, ladies. 

I'll totally admit that the coffee thing shouldn't have made me feel bad; I think that, had it been any other time, it wouldn't have.  I guess I was already in a bad mood about not being woken up, getting to work late, etc, so the coffee issue just fed right into that.  I'm good now.  Smile

He usually is really good about including me.  I know this isn't fair to say, but sometimes I feel like he isn't adjusting quickly enough because he forgets things that I would never forget.  (I know, I know, totally unfair, and I do need to work on that)

I'm still steamed about not being woken up this morning.  He knows what time I have to be at work, that my commute is about 35 minutes long, and still he stood right there in our room knowing that I was sleeping in way longer than I should've been!  Honestly, I think that it wasn't a matter of him now knowing my needs; I think it was just rude.  Still, the advice to let my FH give me what he can, when he can is really great.  I'll have to remember that!  (And hopefully, he'll keep that in mind when he's frusterated with me!)  I know that this is a period of adjustment, and I know that we will both adjust, in our own time.  I sometimes just wish we could speed the process up a bit!  LOL 

We always do talk things out; the only reason that I'm still miffed now is that we didn't get a chance to talk about it this morning, since I was in a huge hurry and I didn't want to risk causing a fight if the conversation didn't go over as smoothly as I wanted it to, since we would both be leaving for work soon, and I didn't want us to be upset with each other all day or to leave the house angry.  I plan to talk to him a little bit about it tonight, and I know I'll feel much better after I do.

Don't worry ash10383, otherwise I am relaxed, and I can hardly wait for Saturday!  Smile

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Guest
Re: A Little Worried
Posted: Sep 27, 2006 1:45 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Moving is together w/ someone for the first time is one of the biggest culture shocks you will ever experience.  Plus IMO I think it's the only way to see if two people are truely compatible.  Can he adjust for you and can you adjust for him.  A relationship is a "Game" (for lack of a better word) of give and take, especially when you move in together for the first time and are learning all the little things about each other.  FH and i have lived together for 2 years now, and there are still some things that he does that DRIVE ME UP A WALL!!!  For example....We just bought our first home (YAY!!!),  We have 2 1/2 baths.  1/2 bath downstairs and 2 full baths upstairs...one being in our master bedroom.  When we first moved in he would use both bathrooms upstairs, depending on which ever was convienient for him at the time!  I asked him one day if he could just stick to using our master bath.  His response was "why does it matter?"  My answer..."honey, you don't scrub toilets, i do(he has got to be the biggest slob when it comes to bathrooms!!!!).  Why should I have to clean 3 bathrooms when 2 would sufice just fine.  Is it really too far to walk around the corner and go into our bathroom?"  He saw my point and has gotten much better about not using the guest bathroom.  YAY!  One less toilet for me to scrub!

 

I think you just need to let by-gones be by-gones for now.  the long you live together the more you will begin to understand how the other likes things done (for example....I now know that FH likes his tee-shirts folded w/ the front logo facing out, so he can see which shirt it is w/o unfolding it.  He knows that I like the towels folded the long way...then into thirds.)

 

He should have consulted you w/ the plans the day after the wedding (maybe you wanted to stay in bed all day w/ himWink)  But learn that boys can never say no to their mom!!  Just talk to him, but don't get all dramatic about it.


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