Am I supposed to hand them a shopping list?

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Guest
Am I supposed to hand them a shopping list?
Posted: Aug 10, 2006 10:00 AM

So yay, FH's family is super excited about the wedding and already planning and always asking questions and it's great that they're on board.  My FH is Mexican and he told me that in mexican (or the part of Mexico that they're from anyway) tradition the family members each offer to pay for some part of the wedding (on the FH's side) taking some burden off the Brides family (we're paying for the wedding ourselves).  Now FBIL has offered to pay for an open bar, which we had to decline because we have 2 alcoholics and 2 recovering alcoholics coming to our wedding and about 25 super conservatives we rather not offend.  But he and FSIL and another FBIL still want to pay for something.  I have NO IDEA how to go about this?  Do I send them a list of things with prices?  Do they write us a check?  Do they pick it out?  Do I send them an item #?  Do I say "the flowers cost $500".  I mean, I have NO Clue how this is done. 

My family has also offered, but they're being specific.  My sis is paying for invites, my cousin for favors (or at least contributing to them), my mom is giving us money for the ceremony site rental... his family is like "what can we help with"?  I feel really weird giving them prices.  Any suggestions?


 
November 3, 2007 I marry my best friend!

 

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Guest
Re: Am I supposed to hand them a shopping list?
Posted: Aug 10, 2006 10:08 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'm not sure exactly how to go about it...but I would go over everything that you haven't gotten/payed for yet and let them decide.  To me it seems logical and you not demanding that they pay for anything.  Good luck!!

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AlyxisPaige Posts : 189 Registered: 4/18/06
Re: Am I supposed to hand them a shopping list?
Posted: Aug 10, 2006 10:14 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

well ... the question is do you rather pay for them yourselve because you don't want to borther them???? Because part of me saying that it sounds like it. If that's the issue, respectfully tell them that you appriciate the offer but you rather have them just enjoy the wedding :)

.

in the opporsite side, if you don't mind they helping you (which I don't see why there's a problem. I wish mine offer to help us!), it might be more appropriate this way. instead of asking for money or just their check---why don't you have that certain person who will help you pay for something come with you to do the "shopping"????  If it's his mom, ask her to come speak to the florist with you. She can pay for the flowers all by herself. Maybe she can come to the taste testing with you can she'll pay for the food? Or maybe come cake taste testing and pay for the cake.

.

It just to me seems more appropriate to not just take the mney and run but allow them to be included in the wedding planning. Plus they will know for sure that what they are spending their money on :)


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Guest
Re: Am I supposed to hand them a shopping list?
Posted: Aug 10, 2006 10:23 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

I would figure out approx. how much an open bar would have cost them, based on your location and # of guests. Then, using that figure, since that is what they already offered to spend, ask yourself where else you would like that money. I mean, I'm sure if you're on a budget there is something that you would have loved to splurge on that you simply couldnt afford to. Perhaps you really wanted a cocktail hour with extensive appetizer selections, but you could only afford 3 apps. Use that money to vamp it up!! The point of the gift (which is really what it is) is to give you something you really want but perhaps couldnt afford on your own (for a lot of people an open bar is a luxury that is simply out of the price range). When you do figure out what you want, simply say, "I've thought of something else FH and I would really like, but just wont work with our budget. We would love to have X. Would you be willing to help with that?"
Daisypath PicDaisypath Ticker

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Guest
Re: Am I supposed to hand them a shopping list?
Posted: Aug 10, 2006 11:18 AM Go to message in response to: AlyxisPaige

I'm not worried about bothering them exactly, I just want to make sure I'm not asking for something they can't really afford.  They live in another state so the go shopping thing isn't going to happen.  (Im in FL they're in IL).  With my family that's how we're doing it, but with his I'm clueless.  Since they can't go with me to buy these things and I'm buying a lot off the internet or doing stuff myself, I'm not sure how to go about it.  I won't even be seeing them till Christmas when I go over there, and then not again until the wedding.  FH says we can let his sister pay for our ceremony decorations (like our unity candle etc..) but once again I'm not letting someone else pick it out for me, and I don't feel comfortable calling her and saying "The one I want is item # bla bla at such and such store and it costs $40".  I don't know them really at all since they live so far away.  I think they're waiting on us to tell them what they can do, but I feel more comfortable if they just offer.
 

November 3, 2007 I marry my best friend!

 

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Guest
Re: Am I supposed to hand them a shopping list?
Posted: Aug 10, 2006 11:38 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Is anyone paying for your flowers or decorations yet? That might be something they could contribute to. Also what about musicians or DJs? I think you could just show them the quotes of prices on those things and let them decide what they'd like to contribute to. If they're more than willing to help you guys out it shouldn't be awkward at all to just hand them estimates or bills for the vendors you've picked out.

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Guest
Re: Am I supposed to hand them a shopping list?
Posted: Aug 10, 2006 11:52 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Soon2BMrsVasquez-

 

This IS cultural, so please don't decline their offer to help. It is very common in many cultures for an entire family or community to come together to support a marrying couple. Marriages bring joy and hope to entire communities and they are still recognized by some cultures as being for the greater good.

 

I would look at your lists of things to do and see if there is anything you will be willing to let go of a little. (Hard, I know - I am rarely willing to let go of anything!) Then see if you can give that over to them with your ultimate approval. That way they'll feel involved but you still get what you want. Let them go on and on about flowers or something, listen to all of their advice and let them pay. Vendors know who the bride is, and they will want you to be happy. They can be great allies between a bride and her "helpers."

 

Jennifer

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Guest
Re: Am I supposed to hand them a shopping list?
Posted: Aug 10, 2006 3:02 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I think I'm going to let FH talk to them about it.  They are his family and I'm not turning it down but since we don't need the money (it would be nice but we'd be fine with out it), I gave a list of things I'd feel comfortable letting someone else pay for and he can take it from there.  My DJ is a friend of the family and I'm making my own bouquets... but either way I'm just going to leave it to my FH to figure out the details because I don't even speak to these people so I'm not going to call them with a quote lol.  I appreciate the offer and all, but it's just too uncomfortable for me to deal with it. 
 

November 3, 2007 I marry my best friend!

 

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Guest
Re: Am I supposed to hand them a shopping list?
Posted: Aug 10, 2006 4:09 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Well, if you don't really need it, you could always use it to pay for something special for the wedding that you weren't planning on before or something like that. Also, their contribution can also go towards the wedding, and use can use the money that you were going to pay for whatever it was and put it somewhere else like your honeymoon, or your house payment, etc. 


Find out about how much they would like to contribute. DH's parents told us that they would contribute $2000 towards our wedding. So we had them pay for specific things, which added up to that....RD, DJ, cake, etc. And they were the ones in charge of writing the checks for that and giving it to the appropriate vendor, so we didn't have to worry about it. 

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66nova Posts : 346 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Am I supposed to hand them a shopping list?
Posted: Aug 10, 2006 5:26 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I'm from San Antonio, TX and this happens at every wedding I've ever encountered.  There are many ways to go about it, but I've seen two ways that are the least risky.  (Risky I mean less likely to cause squabbling and arguements)  The first is to ask them what they have in mind to pay for and go from there, and the second is to ask for whatever they can contribute, and use that money towards something appropriate that you need or want.  Don't forget to let them know what it helped pay for - they'd definitely like to know.  Good luck!

 

Support bacteria... they're the only culture some people have.

 

www.theknot.com/ourwedding/JanetSaenz&BenjaminMcDaniel

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Am I supposed to hand them a shopping list?
Posted: Aug 10, 2006 8:59 PM Go to message in response to: 66nova

LLP seems to have had the most logical idea. They pretty much must have a figure in mind that they can afford to pay. Your FH can ask them what that is, or he can say, "The open bar would have cost us $_____. Is that about how much you intended to give us? If so, we'd like to apply it to our________ (flowers? wedding cake? site rental? honeymoon? You decide!) As for them picking it out, that depends on your comfort level, but probably is not a good idea! You have very specific plans, so it would be better if they would either a] write your FH a check for the intended amount, or b] have the bill sent to them.

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Guest
Re: Am I supposed to hand them a shopping list?
Posted: Aug 10, 2006 9:15 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

its wonderful you have your FH family so excited and supportive - you are very lucky and i wish you well.  Now i am familiar with this tradition and it is very important, a refusal is an insult! Let this kind womderful family help.  There is no need to feel akward as they have already offered, i think its a good idea that you get FH to call his own family and ask what they would like to contribute and let them know that money is not of a concern and whatever they offer will be important to the celebration, if any money is left over use it for a future trip even to Mexico! im sure they would love that!! And you mentioned you dont know them, perhaps when FH calls, mabye get on the phone and say hola! and that you are very excited to meet them...anyway im sure you will be fine and im sure you will have a wonderful wedding!

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