Ok. I'm glad you found what you were looking for here. These women know what they are talking about.
I can't believe your family and friends think your FH is not the right one b/c he doesn't bring you the magic # of gifts. That's very shallow and greedy to think that way. I get Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, a V-day giftand an Anniversary gift. That's it. And it's more then enough. And no they aren't always romantic gifts either, but if they come from my DH heart that's all I care about. Oh I do get the occasional sending of flowers.
Well, to be fair kylebaby, the number of gifts isn't the only thing that my family and friends have said they don't like about my FH, but that is a good example of the type of shallow issue they take with him. Like I said, those people are not in relationships and havn't been in one for a long time; I think they have a skewed view of what a good, healthy relationship is. I know they mean well, but they really are being shallow. Some of their reasons for disliking him aren't quite as shallow as the gifts thing though. They also dislike my FH, for example, because he is not particularly talkative with them. They don't have much in common, and, in addition, there's a vicious cycle going on: in the beginning of our relationship, FH was not talkative (as usual) so they labeled him as being rude. Then, they began treating hom poorly because he is "rude", so, naturally, he took offense and now isn't crazy about them either. Unfortunate, huh?
Of course, it'll take both sides to improve things, and both the people I am talking about and my FH are working hard to improve the situation. I think everyone will get along in time.
I think that you have your head on your shoulders and you are doing a great job already to work on any preexisting issues. Alot of divorces stem from not working together. Then there are marriages that should have never happened. I grew up in a divorced household and I always swore I was only going to get married once. I was engaged at 17 and if I would have married him it would have been the biggest mistake of my life. My grandparents were great role models and I always knew I wanted a marriage like theirs. If I ever need to look any further for a couple I know will last I just need to look at my best friend and her husband. She is an extrovert and he is an introvert. They split up when they were engaged because of fear and doubt, but they stuck it out. They are the best and most loving couple I have ever seen. It has taken time to get to this point and they worked through alot. By the way they got married when she was 21. When I first met him I thought he hated me because he barely said a word to me. I now call just to talk to him. They make a wonderful couple because their differnces complement each other and their similarities bring them together. I hope this example helps.
Posted: Aug 1, 2006 12:34 AMGo to messagein response to: storm0075
When I first met him I thought he hated me because he barely said a word to me... They make a wonderful couple because their differnces complement each other and their similarities bring them together. I hope this example helps. Oh boy, does it ever! Thanks so much! Actually, your statement about initially thinking that the guy hated you reminds me soooo much of my FH! He's just like that, and there have been lots of people who say to me, "Does he like me? He never says much." Then once they get to know him better, things just kind of click and they end up really getting along great! Actually, only one of my friends liked him on the spot--and she's the unusual kind of person who can just walk right up and start a conversation with anyone!
Also, I think that my FH's and my personalities complement each other really well, but not everyone can see that. It's very refreshing to hear from someone who didn't let first impressions get in the way of seeing what kind of a relationship her friend really has (I wish some certain people in my life could do that)! Thanks again.
Your family/friends who are telling you these things are trying to tell you that they think your FH is not good enough for you.
That's why they count his gifts and worry about him not showering you with affection in front of them. They figure if he loves you so much, he'll shower you with amazing gifts. That he'll go out of his way to impress them with his sparkling conversation - that rather than be quiet, he'll try really hard.
They are most likely wrong about that - and you are the only one who knows the truth.
Here's what I would suggest: sit down and really think about all the things they say to you. (You're not taking their side by trying to see what they're talking about.) Go through, in your mind, all of their complaints and think about what YOU feel about all of them. Then get up and go on with your life with your FH.
That way you can say to them in all honesty, "I have thought about all of those things that you keep bringing up and they do not matter to me. This is the person I want to be with and you will not change my mind. I know who he is and who he isn't, and I like him just the way he is - he is just right for me." Then, close the conversation.
Now... here's the sticky part: if you can't say those things to your friends and family after really thinking about all of this, you need to see if any of their points may be valid and talk them out with your FH. Then you can say "FH and I have talked about that and we have worked it out in our own way." THEN go on and have a great life with your FH.
It seems to me they are trying to look out for you... so try not to be too hard on them. Along with that, though, don't feel like you have to answer these questions to them forever.
Best of luck to you!
Message was edited by friendofgusgus on Aug 1, 2006 5:08 PM for spelling - as usual!
You might try reading the '5 love languages' book. The idea that people express their love in different ways. One of the ways is through gifts. I have a feeling that the objectors are gift-people and you and fh aren't. But, it will sooth you to know what your langauges are.
To handle your 'what-ifs'
Get a book titled, '101 questions couples should ask before getting married'. It has many of the 'what-ifs' you haven't thought about yet. The two of you could sit down and discuss each question. Fh and I did that when I was still having major doubts that he was the right one. In our case, he read the questions and his answer while my head was in his lap. When I disagreed even slightly I spoke up. I felt SO much better after that. FH is THE one. I was engaged before, but it felt - forced somehow.
I havent been married before. I have been with FH for the past 6 years. And all I can say is aside from the obvious red flags (abuse etc) and you know you DO truly love him, jitters are normal and what ifs are GOOD. In fact, I think everywoman should consider "what ifs" Think about your relationships(without over analysiing) Know your ground. You are going to be spending THE REST OF YOUR LIVES TOGETHER. which means LIFE is going to happen. No one can predict the future.
My FH and I broke up so many times and it was all bs. Just really needed to vent our frustrations, but wed always get back. Totally immature, I know. Now when i get mad i say "IM TOTALLY LEAVING YOU!" and he just says, ok, let me know you get there safe but i dont, he knows im just mad. We have been through just about everything together, some reallly really tough times and knowing that we made it thought together, even though sometimes we fought, showed me how commited he was to me, and me to him. Some people question me, why i stuck around when we were both dead broke etc. the answer is: For Richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health till death do us part. Marriage isnt always a bed of roses and sometimes it dosent work out even with the best of intentions. But its good to be nervous, question and think about this huge commitment. Even I even after all this time, still question it. Funny, FH told me after the wedding, im not allowed to "break up" with him anymore.
I also feel the jitters have alot of different layers and emotions. NOt only is a first time bride worried about making a huge mistake, questioning etc. but also all the planning that went into it, worried about the details, the excitement, stage frieght,in law issues sometimes makes us new brides wonder if its all going to be worth it and sometimes those feelings are interpreted into wondering if thats a red flag.
I do hope that any bride that is being abused, whether emotionally, phyically or mentally that they dont go through with it, get out of the relationship, and get some help. Marriage will not make things better, and in fact, it ENABLES the abuser to continue and even get worse.
And to all, I would have discussions with FHs about your feelings, fears, and they too may have some of thier own feelings too. Talk about your/his expectations and goals, ideas. Put it on the table. Im sure many of you are in pre-marital counseling and are discussing it already, Im sure it is benifiting you, now and in the long run, we arent, since we arent getting married in our church and other reasons, however, we did see a counsler for a few months a while ago. Im a firm believer in counsling I love going and talking about things to an trusted outside person, wether things are good or bad.
Thats my insight, in short. Best of luck to all!
Christine and Christopher and Natalie August 19,2006
I was engaged once before to a guy I had dated for 2 years. I hated being in that relationship even before we got engaged, but he was the only guy I had been with for that long of time and I didn't know if I could get someone else (he really worked on my self-esteem). Then I got pregnant. That day that I told him, it seemed like everything went from bad to worse. He started cheating on me and NOT trying to keep it secret. The stupid girl would come to our apartment while I was there. But I guess I was the stupid girl, because I never left him. He started hitting me, even sent me to the er when I was 7 months along. It was at that point, when my daughter's life was at risk (she was under 4 pounds and her lungs weren't developed yet), that I realized that he was not going to be a good husband or father. We went on off and on for another 2 months. Then the day before Heather was born, we officially broke up. I was afraid to leave him before because I thought, "oh great. i'm 20 years old and pregnant. Who in the world is going to want me now?" But, 6 weeks after my ex and i broke up, I started dating fh #2. What really got my interest in him was how he would watch over my baby. If he heard her make the tiniest noise, he was right beside her checking on her. I think that's what seled the deal with us. He loves Heather just like she was his own.
Ok enough of my ramblings, I'll answer your question. If your just worrying about all the little spats you're going to have and worrying about married life, it's nothing to actually woryy about. But if you feel kinda sick to your stomach anytime you think of your wedding, you need to start asking yourself some questions about why you are in this relationship. Like now, I am soooo excited to marry this wonderful man, sure he might get on some nerves sometimes, but not enough to matter. When I was engaged before, I didn't even seem to care about wedding stuff.
I also should have took my cue when one of fh's and my friends asked me if everything was ok between me and ex. If not, he had this friend (fh). I was so unhappy in my relationship that deep down, I actually wanted to meet him. I should have know right then, that something was wrong.