Lately FH and I have been snapping at each other and getting into little fights. A bit of background- I have been seriously ill since the end of September, about 10 months into our relationship. A cure always seemed to be right around the corner but here we are 9 months later and I am not one bit better thanI was when I first got. It is a long story but I was able to get out my lease and I moved in with FH mid-March. I had been out on short-term disability and returned to work only to be laid off 3 weeks later. We were going to wait until we got married to live together but we knew that between my health and the poor job market it was better for me to move in than to go into major debt to pay rent on an apartment that I barely live in.
Things were going great when I first moved in. My illness's predominant symptom is abdominal pain which can be, at times, so severe that I am bedridden until it feels better. However, when I moved in I started cooking him a very nice, well thought out dinner every night. I made it clear that once I was better and had a job this would end but for now I thought he would enjoy it. He said he did but his actions said otherwise. I would ask him what time he would be home so I could make sure the meal was ready to serve by then but on several occasions he would forget and either stop at Best Buy or something TO BROWSE or he would stop at Subway and get something or he would stay much later at work and neglect to tll me. Eventually my pain got worse and I was tired of making dinners that I felt like he was forcing himself to eat a second dinner.
My illness is no better and, in fact, they now believe I have something else (thought it was endometriosis but surgery pathology reports showede no endo but other anatomical anomalies pointed towards a diagnosis of adenomyosis which means the only cure to the severe pain I live with every moment of every day is a hysterectomy. I am devastated by the thought of a hysterectomy and by the fact that I have had to put my life on hold so many times since I was 16 for all sorts of medical issues and it is getting harder and harder to deal with. I have been very open with FH about all this and I would have thought he would try to be extra sensitive because I am bordering on being depressed and I really need his support.
Today I really wanted to cook something so I pulled out a bunch of recipes I had saved that I wanted to try and had FH pick one. I worked my butt off while he was at a driving school (he got a speeding ticket and I think this gets the points off your insurance. Or something like that. Anyway, he gets home with a whole meal from Taco Bell. Once again, completely not paying attention.
Lately I have been feeling pretty good, thanks to a bunch of new meds. I have been doing a lot of decorating around the house, shopping at discount stores for nice looking things. The house is looking better and better every day. However, if I didn't point something out to him he wouldn't eve notice. Or, if I DO point something out he says something like "oh, that looks nice" and moves on. I am also really trying to get the house in order as we need lots of storage equipment and put stuff in them. We had 2 old purple litter boxes that we will never use again because we now have a super duper littler box. I thoroughly washed both of them out and was going to put them in a pantry for organization putposes and he got all upset because they are (were) litter boxes. Truse me, hardly anyone will be in the pantry and even fewer would notice the plastic purple color.
That was the last straw tonight. I was so pissed that we had discussed having this for dinner today for a long time and it just wasn't important enough to remember and then he is criticizing my organization when he hasn't lifted a finger to help around the house unless it is something I can't do and even then I need to nag him to death before he does it.
It all comes down to the fact that I don't think ha appreciates anything I do here and takes it for granted.
Wow, long post. Guess some of that was a vent. Still, do any of you have similar issues? How do you deal with them? FH and I are going to have to have a talk but I don't think it will do much good.
This would worry me too. My fiance is pretty ignorant and barely lifts a finger (which I expected when I moved in with him), but when I do something, he makes a point to say at least, "hey, the bathroom looks good". He knows when I stay at home for a day that I have probably done something, so even if he doesn't notice it, he looks for it.
And I cook him breakfast, lunch and dinner every single day (literally), and sometimes, he forgets, but most of the time, he will say "thank you" and nothing else.
I think when your FH says "Oh, that looks nice," that, technically should be enough - but you shouldn't have to point it out. He probably won't notice it even half of the time. That shouldn't be a huge problem.
What worries me is that you make a point to figure out what he wants, and when he will be there to eat it, and he still ignores this. Is it every day? I can understand why you are upset, but you need to sit down and talk with him. Tell him (gently) that you don't think he is considering your feelings and that you would like him to show a little appreciation for the things you do.
When my FH and I first got together, he didn't show appreciation much, either. It got to the point where I would come to the table (where he was sitting) with his food, and I would say "thank you honey," so he would know that I wanted him to say it. He figured it out after one or two times.
I just think its a communication issue. Don't wait until you are so frusterated that you can't get your ideas across without being reasonable. Just wait until you are calm and can talk to him about it. If things don't change, you need to decide whether it is really worth your relationship over - or just don't make dinner anymore. wink
Posted: Jul 6, 2006 8:20 AMGo to messagein response to: newsjunkie
As far as the dinners are concerned, I see several possibilities- one, he doesn't want you to go through all the trouble, so he just picks something up quick. Two, he doesn't like your cooking.
Maybe the reason that he stays later at work/stops somewhere on the way home etc. is that he just needs more time for himself. Was he ready to have you living with him? Perhaps he thought so but wasn't really. Perhaps the stress of your situation makes him question things.
When I first arrived here it was really tough. I was alone a lot, in a new country, trying to learn French. We were fighting a lot, I even considered leaving. At times like that, it was like I was glad when he wasn't home- I had some time to myself.
About straightening up the house, I think you should get him to help you. I rearranged our entire shelf system and A. didn't notice. Also, I think I have to agree- old litter boxes in the pantry? Yuck. Just throw them out if you don't want them anymore.
I think you just need to have a talk, but not everything at once. Tackle one issue at a time, with a day or two of digesting in between.
Posted: Jul 6, 2006 9:52 AMGo to messagein response to: totobride
Is fighting normal? Absolutely. Is your FH totally ignoring or not caring about the fact that you had him pick out a nice meal for you to make that night for dinner and going to get Taco Bell instead normal? No. Honestly, it doesn't sound like he's doing this maliciously, it really sounds like he has "clueless man syndrome." The only cure for that is a sit down heart to heart about how his actions are affecting you. If he still doesn't get it... well therapy is always worth a try, but honestly, I would really sit down and explain to him how it makes you feel when he acts like all the work you do around the house and all the meals you prepare mean nothing to him.
With the added stress of your illness and an impending wedding, don't freak out if you guys are snapping at eachother more than usual. This happened with DH and I during the wedding planning process a lot. What should worry you is if he doesn't get why you are feeling this way and continues the behavior.
I think the other ladies have given you good advice too, let us know how things go :)
I agree with Megan. I also moved to a different Country so I can relate with Megan when it comes to the additional stress that adds, but I also have a disease that causes me alot of pain and discomfort.. I have Ulcerative Colitis, and the tiniest bit of stress, crying, anger whatever sets it off. So I can understand that your cooking, cleaning etc is a HUGE thing for you considering the amount of pain you're in. It is quite possible that he is worried about you all day, being sick and in pain, and it totally slips his mind. Do you make his lunches? If you do maybe slip a little note in his lunch as a reminder of what time dinner will be ready, and what you'll be having. Also my fh loves to cook, so alot of times even though he works all day, we cook dinner together, and enjoy the time together. So maybe you could try that. I would definately talk to him about it and tell him how much it upsets you. But I definately suggest trying the note thing in his lunch, like I said maybe he is worried about you all day, or maybe he's just very forgetfull. If after you talk to him, things continue down the same path, stop doing all that stuff for him and see if he notices. Maybe when you stop doing it, he'll realize how much of an effort you were putting into it, and start to care about it. Good luck to you! I hope your meds continue to help you with the pain you are in.
newsjunkie, I have similar issues and I am long past the engagement stage. My husband still asks 'do you have dinner plans?' and that could be just an hour after I told him what we were having for dinner. We have been together 25 years and married almost 23. Now (most of the time) I just laugh it off and think it's old age setting in even though he's always been that way. It did take me a long time to be able to do that and I can't always do that, but I try because really in the long run to me it's not that big of a deal anymore. There are other things that he does 'correctly' that I love him for. I have to say I think I would be tickled if he thought to bring home dinner even if I had already gone over the plans for dinner with him earlier. I say 'I think' because that is never something he's done unexpectedly.
My husband doesn't usually keep track of what time it is. He gets working, shopping, visiting and time just gets away from him. I've been known to do the same thing quite frequently. Now when he tells me what time he'll be home I add an hour to it. Then if he gets home when he says he'll be home I look at it as him being home early.
My husband usually doesn't notice things that I have done around the house either. Maybe he notices but he doesn't always say something. I sometimes don't say anything to him when he does things around his part of the house like the barn and basement. Or I too might say oh, that's nice and I guess I do that because really I don't care. Of course I would care if it wasn't kept nice but it's just not something that's important to me. I guess I am just trying to say that sometimes we don't always think about how important it is to that person that we acknowledge it because it's not important to us. Gee, I think I just learned something!
It is normal, at least for me and my husband, to get into fights. I can remember there were times during our engagement that I wondered why we were even together. Times during the marriage too. I think that finally we have gotten into a good groove. Hopefully that groove comes sooner for you. Talk, talk, talk, tell him what's bothering you and why. I used to shut down and just act angry as did he. After many years and many of those years being filled with stressful times from medical issues to family issues we are finally learning to just let things go or talk about them. I sure wish we had opened up more to each other years ago. Who knows maybe it still would have taken us this long to get to this point anyway.
If you are meant to be together it will work out. There are times when I could just strangle my husband, other times I just shake my head and think what the hell, and now the best times are when I just laugh and continue on. I can't imagine him not being in my life. Think about the good things the two of you have. Think about the great things you share. I know you are going through a very, very emotionally draining time right now and I know that FH is too. Men don't have the outlets that women do and I think he was probably just thinking he was doing something nice when he brought home dinner. As for noticing things you've done around the house that is just not something he's interested in right now. I know it is hard, especially with all that's going on, to see the silver lining. Keep positive thoughts and tell him how you are feeling, what he's doing or not doing that bothers you and why.
First off, I am very sorry about your illness. Chronic illness is such a stressful situation, and guys don't always handle stressfull situations very well. Your illness also has that added dimension of being a womanly situation, which I'm guessing not only makes it doubly hard for you but also hard for your FH to understand the emotions involved.
What he's doing as far as the food thing, my take is this. I love to cook, in my family food is very important, it has an emotional connection, whenever I visit my gram she asks me what I'm making for dinner, and it's a huge form of expression for me. But to my FH it's just ... food. Maybe your FH sees it as just food, not as your way of expressing your love.
I am marrying the most wonderful man in the world. And yet, we do fight. About 90 per cent of our fights revolve around cleaning. He never notices when I clean, but if want him to tidy up I have to make a big deal out of it when he does. I've learned that this is the way to get things done. It's a price I'm willing to pay. I think fighting is normal. But it really bothers my FH so I try to cut the fighting and focus on talking. I think there needs to be a discussion. I understand why you are hurt, but does your FH? I mean really, bc I'm guessing that you're not so much upset that he's eating something else as much as your upset that he's invalidating your efforts, efforts that are harder for you than most people. (I'm sorry that sounds like psychobabble!) It's just that my FH and I have been together for 8 years and ben through a lot so we've had time to do a lot of work on our relationship. But I do think maybe it's time to discuss how his actions make you feel, rather than the actions themselves. But I wouldn't freak out, you're going through a lot of stress right now and fighting is understandable.
Posted: Jul 7, 2006 12:13 PMGo to messagein response to: newsjunkie
I live with my fh and the way that we divide up houswork is simple, whoever has the more time does it. It's summer and I didn't take any classes and I only work part-time so I cook, clean, do the laundry, etc. When I was in school we were balanced, he works 50-60 hours a week but when I have school and work we try to do equal or whoever has the most time. Right not, I love doing the housework and taking care of him, the best part is that he appreciates everything that I do. Always says thank you or that I am so sweet for taking care of him so I love doing it! Plus, he works so much that I would feel bad if I made him do the housework. But, even though I have more free time it is really nice to him hear him say thank you. If he didn't appreciate me, like it sounds like your fh doesn't, then it would really irratate me. It's always normal to bicker with your partner, but he really should respect the fact that you are always trying to make home a better place! Let him know that you feel underappreciated and if he fires back, I work or something like that, just let him know a little thank you would be nice and that you appreciate him working so you can pay the rent bills. Hope it goes well!
Message was edited by noelle12 on Jul 7, 2006 12:13 PM