Telling the family...

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Guest
Telling the family...
Posted: Jun 26, 2006 11:42 AM

Ok, so next week my FH is going to call his parents and tell them we're getting married.  He originally was going to wait to see them (they live up North) but we won't be seeing them till Christmas.  So since his family normally has a BBQ for the 4th, he wants to call when his brothers and sisters are likely to be at his moms house... anyway.  We've been engaged since December!  My mom knows because she lives with me and it was hard to keep from her and she confessed to me that she's told my sister but I haven't officially told my sister.  No one else in my family knows and I'm waiting to tell them till his parents are informed of our plans. I'm worried that if his family or my family find out how long we've been engaged (not that I plan to tell them) they'll be mad at us.  We just wanted to enjoy the engagement without all the questions, suggestions and hoopla of being engaged.  We're leaving a deposit just as soon as we tell, have a date, have a color scheme... so obviously the proposal didn't "just happen".  My extended family I don't care if they're upset or not, but I'm worried his parents will be offended. 

On November 3, 2007 I marry my love!!

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Telling the family...
Posted: Jun 26, 2006 11:55 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Hate to say it but if his parents find out how long you were engaged they probably WILL be offended.  If I were one of his or your siblings I would probably be offended, too.  There may be more to the story that I am missing (as there so often is) and I don't mean to be mean but why did you wait so long?  You could have called at any time to tell his parents the news and then had the fun of calling each and every sibling telling them one at a time and asking them not to pass on the news until you get a chance to.  I did this with all my relatives and it was a blast hearing each person's reaction to the news.  :)

*

I think your best bet at this point is to go ahead and do the call on the 4th thing and BEFORE anyone can get offended that you waited 7 months to tell them make a comment in your announcement that you kept waiting for everyone to be together in person to tell but it won't happen until Christmas and you just can't wait any longer.  Try and head off any bad feelings before they can happen.

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RomanticGirl Posts : 777 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Telling the family...
Posted: Jun 26, 2006 12:01 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

we put our money down on locations a week after we got engaged. so that shouldn't mean anything. but regardless, you probably shouldn't lie about when he proposed, b/c that will come out eventually and they will be offended.

and as far as the questions go, they don't live near you so it shouldn't be that much of a problem i would think. but if they do ask questions, try to see it as part of the fun.

 

and i agree with p.p., you need to tell them carefully now b/c they probably will be kind of hurt.


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Guest
Re: Telling the family...
Posted: Jun 26, 2006 1:03 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

no offense, but what made you think they wouldn't be offended??? is there a reason you and your FH didn't want to share the engagement as soon as it happened? i can understand distance but it's been over 6 months. an engagement isn't something you hide from your or his parents!

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lori83 Posts : 1,852 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Telling the family...
Posted: Jun 26, 2006 1:50 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

His parents probably will be offended. I know I would be. My daughter called me and my husband on my cell phone the very next day and I was on vacation in Florida. She then called my parents(her brother was also there) and asked them to each get a phone or put her on speaker phone so she could tell them all. Then his parents were called. I can't imagine waiting months to hear the news, I would be upset. Good Luck.   

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Telling the family...
Posted: Jun 26, 2006 2:07 PM Go to message in response to: lori83

I agree that I would be offended if, as a parent, this happened to me--but it wouldn't happen. because my relationships with my children are very close. So, I'd have to ask--why did both of you let things go as long as you did?

 Anyhow, when you make your announcement and people ask  "when" you got engaged, I'd probably say something like, "Well, we've been talking about this for a while, but now it's official!" Not exactly the truth, but not exactly a lie either. Why ask for any more trouble than you've already created?

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Guest
Re: Telling the family...
Posted: Jun 26, 2006 2:32 PM Go to message in response to: myra

Granted, I am a more private person than most, so my instinct is to question, "WHY would you be offended?  HOW is this any of your business??"...it's not like you skipped telling them at all or inviting them to the wedding....BUT, the fact remains they will likely be offended if you flaunt it.  So don't.  Be casual about it and if anyone asks you can just say you didn't want to announce anything until you started planning.  I don't see anything wrong with that.

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Guest
Re: Telling the family...
Posted: Jun 26, 2006 2:48 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I think his parents will likely be hurt, especially if they find out your mother and sister have known all this time.  It's always important not to favor one side of the family in situations like this.  I know my FH's parents would have been quite hurt if we didn't tell them right away, and they would have been 100 times more hurt if they found out my family had known all along.

I don't have any good advice other than to tell them ASAP and apologize for not telling them sooner.  All I can think to say is that you were waiting for the right moment to tell them and it just never came.

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ChrissLady Posts : 1,352 Registered: 4/5/06
Re: Telling the family...
Posted: Jun 26, 2006 2:51 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I was in the same situation as the O.P. My FH proposed on July 9th.  My plan was to surprise my family for Thanksgiving.  I was bursting at the seams so I told my sister, under the pretense that she told no one. I didn't have as much will power as the O.P. and I caved around August.  My family wasn't upset, and neither was his.  I guess it just depends on your family.  My family was just excited that there will be a wedding instead of a funeral. (There hasn't been a wedding in 10 years, but we had two funerals in the last 6.)

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Guest
Re: Telling the family...
Posted: Jun 26, 2006 3:21 PM Go to message in response to: ChrissLady

Ok, it's like this... My FH never actually "proposed".  We kind of floated into it, so I couldn't even tell you when the actual DAY we became engaged.  In December is when we had this conversation when it went from "We're pretty sure we'll get married" to "You're the one, but we don't know when."  At that point, we didn't tell because, there was nothing to tell... not really.  In the weeks that followed it evolved.  We started talking about the fact that we'd have to pay for a wedding ourselves and should probably start saving money.  We set a day for over 2 years out but it's recently that my FH told me that he doesn't want to wait that long and now it's less than a year and a half away. 

I didn't mean to tell my mother, but she noticed some things and started asking questions so I had to tell her or lie.  SHE told my sister, which sucks because I wanted to be the one to do that. I asked him about telling his family but he wanted to do it in person, and we just don't see them very often at all.  Since it was SO far in the future, we chose to wait till Christmas when we'll be at his mom's house to make the annoucement... but now that we've decided to leave a deposit, we're going to tell.

Also, my FH hasn't bought me a ring yet (he refuses to buy it on credit and is saving), so he didn't want me to tell my family because he's convinced they'll care that I don't have a ring (I don't think they'd care at all but whatever) but as soon as he tells his parents I'm goign to tell  my very large (and budinsky) family.


On November 3, 2007 I marry my love!!

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Guest
Re: Telling the family...
Posted: Jun 27, 2006 3:04 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

why are you concerned with how they will react? why would they not be anything but happy for you? if you are honest with them and tell them you wanted to wait until you saw them at christmas, they may be a little hurt but wouldn't they be excited that you are getting married?

why did you even have to hide it from mom? you said that you could either tell or lie- why would you even consider lying?  you are engaged! i called my mom from the restaurant about 10 secondes after he proposed.

is there some reason that this family will not be approving of the wedding?  why would they care if your don't have a ring? personally i think it is awesome that you are saving istead of the credit thing.....

 

okay i am totally not to try and sound like a crab...it is 2 am and i cant sleep...

the point of my post is....if his parents truely love him and like you they will be excited about the wedding....not mad.   you and fiance should also be proud of engagment instead of trying to hide it from everyone......you are taking a huge step and it is something to be excited about and proud of.

from all of your posts, your wedding sounds like it will be beautiful and i look forward to seeing pics from the big day, 

 

okay i am off to try and go back to bed....insomnia is a b!@#

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totobride Posts : 641 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Telling the family...
Posted: Jun 27, 2006 8:47 AM Go to message in response to: Guest

Just my advice, I waited a loong time to tell my family because I thought it would be better to tell them at "x" time, and that they would be upset if I told them before them.....they were far more upset that I hadn't told them a long time before.

I would say tell them as soon as possible.  They WILL find out that you are lying - or have lied.  Family always has a way of finding out, especially since a few people already know, and your mom already told someone she wasn't supposed to.

 

Good luck, and I hope it turns out okay.


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RomanticGirl Posts : 777 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Telling the family...
Posted: Jun 27, 2006 8:59 AM Go to message in response to: totobride

well, since there wasn't a specific day and an official proposal, I don't think it's strange that you waited to tell them. But I do think that now that you are ready to really plan and book things, you should definitely tell them. It sounds like maybe you even do feel like it's not official until everyone is told? I like phrasing it as a pp mentioned "we've been discussing it for a while, but now it's official."

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