I've never done this before so I guess here it goes...I am just starting with planning my wedding. My MOH and I have been friends since we were like 5 years old. I have 5 other people in my bridal party, two of which live out of state. My sister in law and I have become a lot closer over the last year, and I decided to upgrade her to be my Matron of Honor. She's already been the one who has been the most excited for me and my fiance, and her and my brother even threw us an awesome engagement party..all before she was even Matron of Honor. But my MOH just hasn't seemed as happy for us as I thought she would. And she's only asked me once about what our plans were. Her response to a lot of my ideas and plans, were "well thats going to be kind of expensive for me" such as staying at the hotel at the resort we are getting married at. And I wanted to go dress shopping and she said she was going to come, but then decided that she apparently had better things to do, and cancelled. After that she mentioned going dress shopping a few times, acting like I never went before, and acting like she's trying too hard to "want" to be there. I also told the girls that for the wedding they can choose their dresses, as they will look the best in what flatters each one of their shapes; as long as they are all the same color, length and formality. And my MOH sends me a pic of a friend of hers' bridesmaid dress that she just got for another wedding, and my MOH basically wants to borrow her friends dress, and use that. I just kind of feel like that's kind of rude or something. I'm not really sure how I feel about it. I never dreamt of "making" the girls buy expensive dresses or anything. I'm not hard to please. I guess maybe it hurts my feelings that she wants to wear that dress, and not have the experience with me of looking at them together and stuff. After being friends for 18 years. I planned on picking out a bunch of dresses for everyone to choose, and as I said letting them pick what's flattering on them. I have been a bridesmaid and was not all that comfortable in my dress that was chosen for me. I guess I just assumed that she would want that experience with me. Am I being completely rediculous? As I said, I'm not hard to please. I'm not a bridezilla, and I have a really really hard time saying no to people. I just need some help here, on how to handle all of this. Thanks!!
One thing to remember is that your MOH is not your servant. She has a life and bills and a budget. If she was not able to go shopping on your schedule, that is okay. If she really likes her friend's dress, it fits her, and she would never again wear a dress if she purchases one, then why not let her wear what she wants if it fits your criteria. And when it comes time for a shower, remember that she is not socially obligated to host a shower if she cannot afford to do so. If she has been your friend most of your life, having her with you on the big day should be the most important thing.
One issue that comes to mind is that your friend may be secretly a bit jealous, particularly if she isn't married or has a serious guy friend. Seeing you happy and excited may be hard for her. You might take her out for coffee and spend some girl time - no talking about the wedding unless she brings it up. That may be one way to make her feel like your old friend, not just a face in the crowd.
But that's the thing...I have been engaged for a year, and I haven't brought up anything wedding related to her..I let her bring it if up if she wants to. Now were at the point where we need to start planning and she's pretty much just not coming around. I would never ever, expect someone to be my "servant" and actually planned on doing a lot of the work for the wedding myself. When we were going to go dress shopping, I asked what her schedule was, and made sure that it would work with HER. She called me and told me that she wouldn't be able to come because she wanted to "sleep in"...the appointment was at 1:30 or 2:00 pm. To me, that was just not a valid excuse and she just made it seem that it wasn't important. I don't mind the fact that she wants to use the dress, but I feel that by her doing that were losing an important time together, to look at dresses, considering she already bailed on me for looking at wedding dresses. I have two bridesmaids out of state, and I'm not putting anything on them, that they "have" to do. All I am expecting out of them is to show up on the big day and to have a great time at the wedding. She is just not putting forth much effort in the way of even acting like she cares that I'm getting married. We always talked about it growing up, and now I just feel like I'm being pushed to the side. In over a years time, she asked me once what we were planning on doing or anything. As I said, I'm not hard to please, and I don't expect the bridesmaids to shell out money or anything, I even told them, they can do their own hair, use shoes they already have, etc. I guess I always planned on her being there for me, and she's not. People sure are right when they say weddings bring out the best and the worst in people.
I agress saying she wants to sleep in is a pretty lame excuse. It sounds as if you need to have a talk with your friend and point blank ask her if really wants to be in the wedding. Tell her you will understand (you will, won't you?) if she decides it is too much to handle at this point in her life. Better to find out now than days or weeks before the wedding.
That will allow you to promote one of your bridesmaids to MOH or promote both of them to co-MOHs. You may find that making your own decisons without a reluctant helper will make the planning go much more smoothly.