Selfish/Disinterested MOH

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weddingtime Posts : 2 Registered: 4/28/08
Selfish/Disinterested MOH
Posted: Apr 25, 2012 2:26 PM

So my MOH and I have been friends for over 20 years so we are more like sisters than anything else.
I got engaged last february 2011 and ever since then she just doesn't seem to be as excited or involved as I thought she was.
I feel like she weaseled out of doing the bridal shower because I had never been to one and she told me that normally an aunt would throw it and that she didn't have the money. I am not close with my aunts so my other bridesmaid that I have known the shortest offered to do it and she had just had a baby.
She then said that of course she would do the bachelorette party and I suggested going out to dinner in the cities and stay at a nice hotel all together. $50 for dinner and the room was $300 with 4 of us in the room. The bachelorette party is in like 2 weeks and she just called me and said it has to be one or the other and that she can't afford it.
Is it wrong for me to be frustrated about all of this or is my annoyance justified? For the bridal shower she kept asking me what I wanted (and not in a nice tone mind you) and now for the bachelorette party I am the one calling all the other bridesmaid asking what they want to do and to be honest I am over the whole thing. I feel like me being a bride and wanting to do fun things is an inconvenience to her and honestly I feel like she has had over a year to save up any money for this party that she said she would plan....am I wrong?

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MagicalMomentsP... Posts : 742 Registered: 3/6/06
Re: Selfish/Disinterested MOH
Posted: Apr 25, 2012 7:54 PM Go to message in response to: weddingtime

Hello Wedding,

Congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding. Historically and traditionally, the Best Man and Maid/Matron of Honor were to stand up in the wedding to assist the bride and groom. They also were there to make sure everything got done on the wedding day. In fact, there are cases where the attendant was there to make sure neither the bride nor groom ran off before the wedding.

It is only in more recent history, the duties of the Best Man, MOH have grown to include a shower and party. Originally, the party was thrown for the groom as his last stag event before he was married. In the mean time, the bride received a shower to provide her with gifts she'd need for her marriage (lingerie, etc.). Only in the last ten years or so have brides received a bachlorette party in addition to the shower.

The shower was traditionally thrown by somebody who was close to the bride. It might be the MOH, but it does not have to be. As for the party, the MOH may or may not be the one to organize it.

As we've said time and again on this forum, a bride gets one day and one day only. You have to realize people have lives that don't revolve around you. Furthermore, your MOH may have other priorities than your wedding. Saving up money is sometimes easier said than done. Did your MOH recently have some unexpected expenses? Perhaps she is embarrassed to confide she not well enough off to give you all that you expect.

Consider that for the wedding, your MOH is purchasing a dress and shoes for the wedding. She's had to save up for that and now you expect her to come up with additional money for a party. Face it, we are in tough economic times and people are not able to spend the money they once did.

It bothers me that you got on this forum to complain about a friend of twenty years, yet you don't say a thing in your post about what's been going on in her life since you asked her to be your MOH. There are always two sides to a story and I've only heard one. I strongly suggest you have a heart to heart talk with your "sister" to see what is going on. Your wedding is just one day, your friendship is over 20 years and your marriage will be a lifetime. You should spend less time worrying about one day and more time worrying about your friend.

Howard Kier, Certified Professional Wedding Photographer

Magical Moments Photography


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Syringa Posts : 115 Registered: 1/18/12
Re: Selfish/Disinterested MOH
Posted: Apr 25, 2012 9:39 PM Go to message in response to: weddingtime

I agree with Howard. If your MOH lived across the country from you, would you still expect her to plan a shower and a bachelorette party? Probably not; someone else would plan them or you would not have one or both. Those parties are not mandatory; they are optional events. The important thing is that your lifelong friend will be standing beside you on your big day. Don't allow your current feelings to ruin a friendship.

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nycnichole Posts : 27 Registered: 4/12/12
Re: Selfish/Disinterested MOH
Posted: Apr 26, 2012 1:57 PM Go to message in response to: Syringa

I agree with everything that Howard said. Especially that "saving money is easier said than done."

With the price of gas and oil and everything else today money just doesn't go as far as it did. She may really want to throw you a great party to celebrate your wedding but financially she's not in a position to do so. Maybe you could think of a less expensive bachelorette party idea. That might make her feel more comfortable and then probably more excited to celebrate with you. Everyone can still have fun and no one will be stressing about money.

It is NO fun worrying about money! And I don't really think that it's necessary to pay $300 to spend a night in a hotel together.

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JessesGirl1 Posts : 1 Registered: 4/19/12
Re: Selfish/Disinterested MOH
Posted: May 31, 2012 11:52 AM Go to message in response to: weddingtime

You are a bride...you have asked your closest friends to stand beside you, support you, as you get married. Everyone knows this kind of "honor" has expenses tied to it....dress, shoes, showers, etc. If she was not able to afford it, she should have had those discussions with you right away and you could have both worked through them. If things changed financially in her life since than, she should still have discussed those challenges with you. Leaving you hanging like that is totally wrong and hurtful. It cheats you out of having the whole bridal experience. In my opinion, your MOH is selfish and self centered despite her financial woes. In this role of MOH she should be doing what she can for you, unselfishly and willingly.

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Syringa Posts : 115 Registered: 1/18/12
Re: Selfish/Disinterested MOH
Posted: Jun 1, 2012 3:09 PM Go to message in response to: JessesGirl1

"It cheats you out of having the whole bridal experience. In my opinion, your MOH is selfish and self centered despite her financial woes. In this role of MOH she should be doing what she can for you, unselfishly and willingly."

I must disagree with the previous post. It could also be construed that the bride is the one who should be unselfish in her attitude toward her MOH and show some understanding for the MOH's situation. And what exactly is "the whole bridal experience?" It varies from one bride to another. What is right for one person may not be necessary or appropriate for another. Let's give the poor girl a break. She probably regrets not being able to afford to do everything the bride wants, but she can only reasonably do so much. If she is the bride's best friend, the bride will stop focusing so much on herself and support her friend.

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PlannerJessie Posts : 14 Registered: 11/10/11
Re: Selfish/Disinterested MOH
Posted: Jun 6, 2012 8:17 AM Go to message in response to: weddingtime

I know this post was in April, but I was reading through and realized this is an ongoing situation that is provoking broken friendships of years. My advice and please this is an advice I love to share, YOU are the bride, you choose your MOH for one reason, and that reason can mean many things, you should leave the options open for her and let her surprise you as she wants and can afford, I too think its too much to spend $300 for a one night room, when that expense can be used other wise. Do not let this situtation break a wonderful friendship. Talk to her openly and let her know how special she is and thats why you choosed her as MOH, and let her know she has open options. A bachelor party can be done in many ways, still have fun and still have your best friend. I hope this helps. :)

Jessica Ares Certified Wedding & Event Planner Elite Wedding & Event Planning www.eliteweddingandeventplanner.com

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