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Serious Need of Help

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MrsPB Posts : 1 Registered: 2/21/12
Serious Need of Help
Posted: Feb 28, 2012 12:46 PM

My parents got divorced 10 years ago and I have been told that there would be no money for a wedding for me- even though both sides of my family are very well of financially. I have since then just planned on having a simple ceremony being that I am in the non-profit mental health field, make no money, and have very little savings, and most importantly knew there would be drama as my mother and father still cannot even be in the same town let alone the same room as one another. When I got engaged my mother came to me and said that she changed her mind and wanted to give me the wedding of my dreams. She gave me an estimated budget of $30,000. This was unbelievable as our relationship has not always been stable and we began planning. It was really fun and it meant so much to have her there planning this with me. Well we have all of our vendor contracts signed, dress and accessories are bought, the save the dates have gone out, and we have put in about $12,000 to reserve everything thus far. Last weekend, my mother came to me and informed me that she does not approve of the man I am marrying and has reconsidered paying for this wedding. She informed me that I owe her the money she has put in so far and I can either continue to plan this wedding or let everyone know that there will be no wedding. I never would have planned such an extravagent wedding had I known this was going to happen and the $12,000 would completely deplete my savings with nothing to show for it. Even though I have the money, I would never spend that much on my own wedding knowing that I have a future to plan for with a family. On top of this, I am devastated that she does not approve of my fiance. He has done nothing but treat me with respect, love, and kindness, and would go to the end of the world for me. I have talked to her about this but she is no longer talking to me and I need to let the vendors and guests know what is up with this wedding. On top of this she stated that if she were to pay for the wedding my father cannot come, so my father has no idea that this all has bWhat do I do?

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Aunt Posts : 796 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Serious Need of Help
Posted: Feb 28, 2012 3:40 PM Go to message in response to: MrsPB

Dear Mrs PB,

Wow, you are in need of help.

Your mother made a promise to you, has taken back that promise and NOW has created a promise on your behalf out of thin air.

Here is my suggestion:

1. Immediately cancel all vendor contracts and let them keep their deposits. Any deposits they are willing to refund should go to your mother, who put the money up in the first place.

2. Tell your mother that you do not owe her anything. You made plans based on her promises. She knew that man you were marrying at the time of making her original offer.

3. Get together with your fiancé and come up with a plan for a wedding you two can afford out of whatever money and savings you have available.

4. Invite the people you want to invite: Mom, Dad, whoever.

If anyone (including Mom) say "I won't come if X is invited", then you reply "I'm sorry to hear that, we will miss seeing you there.".

Your mother sounds like a master manipulator. I know she's your mother and you love her and she's the only mother you have, but even really nice people can have a mean streak. For some reason, that mean streak has emerged.

We cannot do backbone implants over the Internet, but this is the one case where I wish we could.

You don't owe your mother a single penny. Stand by that. She gets what she gets from any returned vendor deposits, and loses the rest.

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MagicalMomentsP... Posts : 742 Registered: 3/6/06
Re: Serious Need of Help
Posted: Feb 28, 2012 4:05 PM Go to message in response to: MrsPB

Hello PB,

First congratulations on your engagement and upcoming wedding. I'm sorry you are having these troubles. What your mom has done is at best gone back on her word or at the worst been really evil. We have a saying on this forum, s/he who pays, rules. The funny thing is we never hear about parents who've given the money with no strings attached. For those people never come to the forum looking for advice. On the other hand, people who have troubles like you do seek advice.

Now I doubt your mom ever said, "I'll pay for the wedding and if I change my mind, you'll owe me the money." Therefore the money is a gift and not a loan. Despite what your mom says, you are under no obligation to return any of the money she gave you as a gift. In fact, in some states since you relied upon her statements that she'd pay for the wedding and signed contracts which obligated your for future payments, your mom might actually be legally obligated to fulfill her promise of payment. For otherwise you will be harmed because you detrimentally relied upon her promises of payment.

Unfortunately, the real people who are being hurt by all of this drama are your vendors especially the independent vendors. For they have blocked out the day expressly for you. They are not able to book another event. You'll need to let them know what is happening as soon as you make a decision to either cancel or forge ahead. Each vendor will decide within the terms of their contract how they will proceed. Some vendors might actually sue the signatories for payment as damages for the cancelled wedding.

Because of all the legal implications of your situation, I would consult with a local lawyer who can best advise you on how to extract yourself from the situation. If you are lucky enough, only your mom signed the contracts and will be held accountable for her actions.

After understanding your legal rights and obligations, you'll need to consider the interpersonal relationships. This gets even murkier than the legal side. Obviously if you can't find the funding for the wedding as planned, you'll have to scale back the wedding. So the first order of business will be to find the funds. Perhaps you can coerce your mom into reconsidering her decision. I don't know your relationship with your dad, you did mention he was well off. Normally I don't advocate playing one parent off another but what your mom has done crosses the line and left you with few alternatives.

If you are not able to get the funding, scale back the wedding. Talk to your vendors to see what can be salvaged. Instead of a full sit down dinner, you might be able to have food stations or just dessert. Should there be no alternative but to cancel the wedding, send out notices to all the people who received the save the dates explaining a change in finances has forced a change in plans. Hopefully not many people have bought plane tickets or made other non-refundable plans.

As I conclude, I've come to realize if your mom's intent was to hurt you, she has done that and so much more. For there are a great many innocent people who are also being hurt by your mom's actions.

Howard Kier, Certified Professional Wedding Photographer

Magical Moments Photography


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goskate_girl Posts : 3 Registered: 4/20/12
Re: Serious Need of Help
Posted: Apr 20, 2012 12:04 PM Go to message in response to: MrsPB

Mrs PB,

Oh what a terrible situation you find yourself in. As others mentioned, the first thing you need to do is cancel anything you wont be able to afford. Regroup, and look at what you can do yourself rather than pay someone, or look at where you can save money. I have helped plan 3 separate weddings and have been able to save people more money than they expect to be able to save for any wedding. I understand the location and food, and cake usually are a set price, but reconsider everything else. Your cards already went out, paid for. If you can possibly keep the location, that means they don't have to be redone. Re-budget for a more pocket friendly version of the same wedding so you don't feel like you gave anything up though. If you want some help looking for better prices or similar items,l message me. Id be happy to help you re-plan free of charge for a good reference to new customers.

Sammie

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bostonterrierbr... Posts : 129 Registered: 11/8/06
Re: Serious Need of Help
Posted: Apr 20, 2012 3:50 PM Go to message in response to: MrsPB

Seriously, so, so sorry this is happening.

Aunt and the others had great advice, I just wanted to add that you might try to renegotiate with some of the vendors, like the photographer and florist, if you try to keep your date/plans. Call them, explain what's happened, and ask if they would be willing to downscale their services. Maybe they have packages that are equal in total cost to the downpayments you have already made. Your contracts might prohibit you from being able to downsize the amount owed, and some vendors may flat out reject the idea, but it might be worth a try.

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nadine_hanth Posts : 6 Registered: 4/21/12
Re: Serious Need of Help
Posted: Apr 21, 2012 1:08 AM Go to message in response to: MrsPB

I am sorry to hear about your situation, the others have given you perfect advice. I can relate with not having the funds for a dream wedding. I've always had the idea of how I wanted to have my wedding but both my fiancé and I are college students and parents are not offering to even help with anything at all. But at the end of the day the dream wedding is marrying your soulmate. Maybe try to postpone the wedding for a year to save up.

Again I'm so sorry about the situation with your mother

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ares Posts : 1,229 Registered: 7/23/12
Re: Serious Need of Help
Posted: Jul 24, 2012 1:49 AM Go to message in response to: MrsPB

Hello, see this I feel pity for you, your mother do is really too much, she is your mother? Where there will be such a mother, this is your wedding, she is such damage. I feel angry.

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Kimberly212 Posts : 2,211 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: Serious Need of Help
Posted: Sep 12, 2012 8:12 AM Go to message in response to: MrsPB

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smthwu123 Posts : 1,415 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: Serious Need of Help
Posted: Sep 13, 2012 2:06 PM Go to message in response to: MrsPB

Rosa Clara Wedding Dress Starting form 229.95USD
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JenniferWillson Posts : 2,083 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: Serious Need of Help
Posted: Sep 13, 2012 3:48 PM Go to message in response to: MrsPB

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jackson132 Posts : 1,662 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: Serious Need of Help
Posted: Sep 13, 2012 4:48 PM Go to message in response to: MrsPB

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JenniferWillson Posts : 2,083 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: Serious Need of Help
Posted: Sep 20, 2012 4:06 PM Go to message in response to: MrsPB

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JenniferWillson Posts : 2,083 Registered: 9/12/12
Re: Serious Need of Help
Posted: Dec 14, 2012 4:28 PM Go to message in response to: MrsPB

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