mother of groom snubbed

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sharondvt Posts : 8 Registered: 1/31/12
mother of groom snubbed
Posted: Jan 31, 2012 2:02 PM

Here is my problem: My 28 yr old son's wedding is in April 2012. 5 months ago he informed me that I could not bring a "guest" to his wedding. I feel the mother of the groom should be allowed to invite a guest. His father and I have been divorced for 20 years. It was very bitter, I remarried 11 years ago and we divorced 3 years ago. My second husband and I have remained good friends, we both just grew apart. In May 2011 I moved three hours away to be with a very special man, and I was told that I could not bring him to the wedding, even though we are living together in a loving, committed relationship.

At first he told me only people who mean something to him are invited to his wedding and Pete, my boyfriend, means nothing to him. Then I found out that Sue, who is friends with her mom and I can bring a guest, and one of my girlfriends who he does not have a special relationship with them can bring her husband, so that explanation does not work.

So I tried to talk to him again, and he was very rude, stubborn and arrogant, and told me he was inviting his father, Pat my second husband and he did not want to have a "third" man there. I think there is more going on here. I have not been asked anything about the wedding. I could not even tell you the color of the dresses because my future daughter in law has kept me out of everything. My son has one brother and he is "not" in the wedding, his future wife has no siblings. My son has one niece who is 5, she is "not" included, at first she was not allowed because they were not inviting kids, now she can come since my other son asked again to bring her since he is coming from Virginia and needs to bring his daughter.

I feel as though my son has been kidnapped by aliens, because this is not the loving, kind son I raised. Not only did he tell me I could not bring a guest, his told our relationship has been different for 2 years. (That was when I told him he had to start paying his own student loans $150.00/mo.) He is now 28, drives a BMW (given to him by his in laws), his "future" mother in law bought them a condo, I was working two jobs, one income, at 50yrs old, time for him to "step up". He also told me that night that I treated Pat like sh*t for ten years and then moved to Vermont to raise another family. I did move to Vermont, I raised my sons they are 24, and 28, I can do as I want now, my life does not affect them in anyway. I am contemplating not going to the wedding because I feel my son is ashamed of my life choices, which I am not. I have always put my children first. I raised them, helped them get through college alone without their father, was there for everything they did good or bad, and taught my children respect. I do not feel my son is respecting me as his mother. What do you think?

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MagicalMomentsP... Posts : 742 Registered: 3/6/06
Re: mother of groom snubbed
Posted: Jan 31, 2012 4:38 PM Go to message in response to: sharondvt

As we tell people on this forum time and again:
No Ring, No Bring
it is as simple as that. Frankly, there are two sides to every story. We've heard how he has disrespected you, snubbed you and treated you poorly. However, I'm sure he will have his own version of events. As you say, there is more to the story. We know even less because we are even farther away from the situation than you. If you'd like to find out what is really going on, you are going to have to have a non confrontational conversation with him. Believe me when I say, growing up we do things as parents which bother our kids for the rest of their lives.

Howard Kier, Certified Professional Wedding Photographer

Magical Moments Photography


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sharondvt Posts : 8 Registered: 1/31/12
Re: mother of groom snubbed
Posted: Jan 31, 2012 5:29 PM Go to message in response to: MagicalMomentsP...

no ring? well since my son hasn't spoken to me in 5 months I DO have a ring on my finger, but his ignorance has prevented him from even knowing that. No matter what...what happened to RESPECT?

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jjjune Posts : 60 Registered: 1/6/12
Re: mother of groom snubbed
Posted: Jan 31, 2012 8:00 PM Go to message in response to: sharondvt

From your side of the story, it sounds like your son is treating you awfully and I can understand how hurt you must be feeling. I'm sure he has his side to the story, and I'm sure there is a third side that's somewhere near the truth.

If you are not paying for the wedding, you don't get to decide the guest list.

Your adult son is making a choice about his relationship with you. You can't control him or make him do what you want. You can only control your reaction to his choices. No one can decide for you.

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: mother of groom snubbed
Posted: Feb 1, 2012 10:07 AM Go to message in response to: sharondvt

Dear Sharon,

I am also a mother and am 57 years old. I have two adult sons.

There is absolutely nothing you can do but suck it up. Your son is an adult and is making his own decisions. The only thing you can do is decide whether or not you will attend the wedding, without your boyfriend, or stay at home.

The No Ring No Bring rule is not about rings. It's about inviting a married couple, together, to a mixed-gender social event. No Ring No Bring extends to engaged couples and to same-sex couples living as if married in places where there is no legal option to marry.

You say you have a "ring on your finger". Unless you are engaged or married to the guy, a ring by itself is meaningless. Your friend is invited with her husband, which is entirely proper. A HUSBAND comes in under No Ring No Bring. A BOYFRIEND does not.

"what happened to RESPECT?"

Do you respect your adult son and his adult decisions?

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: mother of groom snubbed
Posted: Feb 1, 2012 1:56 PM Go to message in response to: sharondvt

Dear Sharon,

The more I think about it the more I get pissed off.

Let's imagine another letter from a bride:

My FH's mother is a problem. Background:

She divorced FH's dad when he was 8. It was a messy divorce, but FH managed to stay close with his dad even though his mom was talking trash about his dad.

Then, when he was 17, she married a nice guy. FH had a good relationship with his step-dad and his bio-dad. So far, so good.

She divorced step-dad when FH was 25. Still he has kept up a relationship with step-dad.

Now, FH's mother has moved away to live with some new guy. We don't know the new guy, but FH still has good relationships with his bio-dad and step-dad.

FH's mom now insists that her new live-in boyfriend be invited to our wedding. She's causing all kinds of drama and threatening not to come. FH wants to invite his own bio-dad (naturally) and his ex-step-dad with whom he has a good personal relationship. We feel that three "dads" is one too many, especially when that third "dad" is not even married nor engaged to his mother. We just don't want a bunch of drama at our wedding, which is supposed to be all about us and not all about FH's mom and live-in boyfriend.

FH told her that she would be invited, as well as bio-dad and ex-step-dad, but she threw a fit demanding "respect".

What should we do?

___________________________

What would I reply to such a message? The same way I have replied to many such messages in the past:

"Tell Mom that her live-in boyfriend is not her husband nor is he her fiancÚ. He's not invited. She can accept or decline the invitation as she wishes. End. Period."

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Syringa Posts : 115 Registered: 1/18/12
Re: mother of groom snubbed
Posted: Feb 1, 2012 9:22 PM Go to message in response to: sharondvt

I am a wedding planner, so I have seen my share of situations like you mention. I tend to agree with your son that it would be very awkward for you to bring your significant other. It will be difficult enough to have his father, former step-father and you all there together without adding another person. He may be thinking of his father and step-father's feelings, and, as he says, he doesn't know your gentleman friend. Your friend may, in reality, be only too happy to not attend when the situation could be awkward for him as well, and he won't know anyone there except you.

As for not being included in the wedding plans, because you don't live near the bride, it makes things more difficult. How well do you know your future DIL and have you made every effort to get to know her? When a groom's mother lives near the bride and gets along well with the bride and her mother, I encourage them to include her in the planning process (though she doesn't have a say in decisions unless she is helping foot the bill). That can be a bonding time for the three women. In your case, if your future DIL doesn't really know you, she may feel uncomfortable talking about the wedding plans with you.

If it were me, I would concentrate on getting to know the young lady and her family. You can accept your son where he is at in his life or create barriers that may take years to tear down. Life is too short for that.

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sharondvt Posts : 8 Registered: 1/31/12
Re: mother of groom snubbed
Posted: Feb 2, 2012 9:50 AM Go to message in response to: Syringa

Thank You for your reply. You have been the only one with any understanding of the situation. I am married to the man I live with. I do know my DIL, she has been with my son for 3 yrs. I only moved 7 months ago. I live 3 hrs away and go back home alone, every 5 weeks for 4 days to keep in touch with family and friends. As far as my DIL, we have always gotten along, and I have never pried. I feel this should never of been a issue. Never even brought up. As far as his Dad, yes he should be there. And his step dad, sure there is no hard feelings, he would even sit with me, we have discussed this. He is just as upset with my son as I am. He can not believe how my son is acting. My son needs to make his choice and I will respect that, And I need to make my choice also. I can not go to his wedding, pretend, smile and not show how hurt I am. I would be better off to stay away. Then no one makes a scene. This is extremely emotional for me as I have cried about it for 5 months now. It is painful to give your child all you have for 28 yrs, and to get a slap in the face. Thank you

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sharondvt Posts : 8 Registered: 1/31/12
Re: mother of groom snubbed
Posted: Feb 2, 2012 10:00 AM Go to message in response to: Aunt

Though your wedding is about you, there are other people to consider. How about the people who brought your FH to this point in his life? What happened to Love, Family and friends? Do they not matter? Maybe things have always been giving to you so you are selfish, want everything your way and don't care who you hurt in the process. Maybe the Mother of the Bride gets to make all the choices and the Mother of the Groom gets no choices. Someday your FH will turn on you too. Like father like son

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: mother of groom snubbed
Posted: Feb 2, 2012 1:02 PM Go to message in response to: sharondvt

Dear Sharon,

Your messages are full of drama. You cried for 5 months? Get a life.

It took you three messages to convey the information that you are actually married:

1. I moved three hours away to be with a very special man, and I was told that I could not bring him to the wedding, even though we are living together in a loving, committed relationship.

2. well since my son hasn't spoken to me in 5 months I DO have a ring on my finger,

3. I am married to the man I live with.

Why did you not say in Message #1 "My son will not invite my husband?" ?

No, we have to read all this drama about your marital history, your tears and lack of respect from your son.

Question: WHO RAISED THIS GUY to have so little respect for his mother??? If he does not respect you, then you have only yourself to blame. Additionally, respect has to be earned, and respect can be lost. There are people in my family for whom I have little respect.

Next issue: It is true that Proper Etiquette requires that a married couple be invited together to a mixed-gender social event. True, your son and FDIL are breaking Proper Etiquette by inviting you but not your husband.

However, Proper Etiquette does not apply in immediate intimate family circles. Within an immediate intimate family circle, people burp out loud, then giggle. People see you naked. Within an immediate intimate family circle, family members follow the norms of that family, not Proper Etiquette. Proper Etiquette gives you guidance on how to behave in public with people who are not members of your immediate intimate family circle.

Your son and FDIL have, for whatever reason, decided to not invite you husband. It's possible they don't even know you are married, as evidenced by your reluctance to share that crucial piece of information until your third message.

Even if they do know you are married, they still have the perfect right to invite who they want to invite, just as you have the perfect right to accept or decline. You have decided to decline, which sounds to me as the best solution.

If your son is truly the ungrateful wretch as you describe him, then you are probably better off staying home anyway.

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: mother of groom snubbed
Posted: Feb 2, 2012 1:17 PM Go to message in response to: sharondvt

Dear Sharon,

"Though your wedding is about you, there are other people to consider. How about the people who brought your FH to this point in his life? What happened to Love, Family and friends? Do they not matter? Maybe things have always been giving to you so you are selfish, want everything your way and don't care who you hurt in the process. Maybe the Mother of the Bride gets to make all the choices and the Mother of the Groom gets no choices. Someday your FH will turn on you too. Like father like son "

Was this directed to me? How about a reality check.

My wedding was 35 years ago, and I am still married to my one and only husband. I am his one and only wife. We are the parents of two adult sons, now in their 30s.

My parents, married to each other, and my husband's parents, married to each other, were all invited to and participated in my wedding. We exhibited love and respect for our parents because they EARNED that love and respect by similarly loving and respecting us throughout our lives.

And, no, things have not been "given to me". We have supported ourselves out of our own earnings from our own work since our early 20s. I taught my own children the same thing. Once they were out of college and independent of their father and me, they have earned their own living supporting themselves.

"Maybe the Mother of the Bride gets to make all the choices and the Mother of the Groom gets no choices."

My parents as hosts of the wedding paid for everything, but considered the needs of everyone involved. I planned my wedding with my mother's help (God bless her) and my MIL was involved and informed at every step. Today, 2012, of our four parents, only my MIL is still alive and I have a wonderful relationship with her. She is 86 years old.

"Someday your FH will turn on you too. Like father like son"

So far, so good. My husband hasn't turned on me, yet, and I can't see him having a drastic personality change at the age of 62. My MIL picked a good man to marry and be the father of her chidren. I am happy to report that "like father like son" is a very positive thing in my life. My late FIL was a wonderful man who loved his wife and children.

My sons are both great guys, living interesting and independent lives. They see us from time to time and we are in constant contact. Because I don't intrude in their lives, they feel they can share things with me as they are so inclined. Never has either son gone 5 months without contacting us. The longest we have gone without hearing from them has been a few weeks while they were in a remote camping site, and they call us when they get back to cell phone access.

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sharondvt Posts : 8 Registered: 1/31/12
Re: mother of groom snubbed
Posted: Feb 2, 2012 1:21 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

Thanks for your "non" advise,,,,,,We raise our kids as best we can, we do the best we can, some good choices, some bad choices, whether there is a ring on my finger or not, to me does not matter, and should not matter to the son I raised to this point in his life. I owe him no explanations for my choices, as he owes me non for his. He has made his choice and I have made mine, we Both will have to live with them. Maybe some day when he truly becomes a Man, he will understand. I wonder if you even have children, or if you have ever had your heart crushed by one. You give them all you have, and then you let them go. Will I regret my choice? Maybe, but I will regret being there even more.

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sharondvt Posts : 8 Registered: 1/31/12
Re: mother of groom snubbed
Posted: Feb 2, 2012 1:31 PM Go to message in response to: sharondvt

And no this was not directed at you. I am happy for your success in marriage, not all of us are that lucky. It was directed at your other letter you "quoted" which sounded just like my future DIL...however alot of her information may not be the truth. There is always more to every story, and who knows how much she even knows. All I know is that this son of mine is possessed, he is not the Man I raised, but he is acting excatly like the man I divorced (his father) after 12yrs of physical abuse. And whatever his problem is he should remember where he came from, and who brought him to this point. Thats all I have to say
This is not personal against you

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MagicalMomentsP... Posts : 742 Registered: 3/6/06
Re: mother of groom snubbed
Posted: Feb 2, 2012 2:47 PM Go to message in response to: sharondvt

whether there is a ring on my finger or not, to me does not matter, and should not matter to the son I raised to this point in his life.

Sharon,

You've asked this forum for advice. Now you don't like what you've heard. With all due respect and despite the polite words you've used, you sound like one of the immature ladies who throw a fit when the forum does not side with them.

As a wedding photographer, I've been to plenty of weddings where there are uncomfortable situations due to a parent bringing an unwanted guest. Etiquette demands spouses and engaged couples are invited to mixed gender events. If your current beau does not fit either of those categories, then he should not be there. As was pointed out by Aunt, it will be unpleasant for everybody involved, him included. Forcing him to attend the wedding shows you are only thinking of yourself and not others. Part of good etiquette is being gracious when others are making a mistake or being slighted. In other words, etiquette says you are the bigger person.

Finally, I find it most interesting the two senior members of this forum, Aunt who is 57, and myself (I'm 51), are telling you basically the same thing. Neither one of us are kids, we are your peers. We both remember Woodstock first hand and can claim to have seen the Beatles live on TV (or perhaps in concert). Perhaps, this is not the son you raised, but he is the man he grew to be. His actions and choices are outside of your control. However, how you choose to react is completely within your control. You can either be a mean vindictive witch and sever all relationships with your son and future grand kids, or you can be gracious, suck it up, attend the wedding and be happy for the newlyweds. The choice is yours.

Howard Kier, Certified Professional Wedding Photographer

Magical Moments Photography


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sharondvt Posts : 8 Registered: 1/31/12
Re: mother of groom snubbed
Posted: Feb 2, 2012 5:15 PM Go to message in response to: MagicalMomentsP...

Yes when all is said and done, It is my choice, and I am the one who needs to live with that decision..

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