Engaged...but not engaged?

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wanderintook Posts : 3 Registered: 7/11/11
Engaged...but not engaged?
Posted: Jul 21, 2011 5:05 PM

In February, my boyfriend of three years and eight months was offered a job two hours away from our home town, so he took it. We had discussed in advance that if he were to move, I would go as long as we were getting married. At the time, I knew he hadn't proposed simply because we were so poor, so I went with him. We found an apartment and moved in less than a month, spending every dime of our savings and taking out a loan from his dad in the process. When my birthday rolled around in May, (his proposal deadline) he told me the obvious news: he hadn't been able to save any money for a ring. I knew it was coming, but I was still heartbroken.

He decided to propose by the end of this summer. He's taken me ring shopping repeatedly over the last few weeks and given me a budget (under $3000), but it looks like we're not going to be able to afford it. Every time it seems like we have extra money, something comes up (his car broke down, our electric bill was incredibly high, etc.)

So, we've already decided on a wedding date, but I'm not allowed to announce it until he's bought me a ring. He's also already told my entire family and his entire family that he's going to propose, so everyone already knows. I've suggested that he just get me a cheaper ring so that we can get on with things, but he has his heart set on getting me something nice. The whole situation has just lost its magic. I don't even get to announce the engagement. Heck, nothing is a surprise anymore! I just feel so stuck in this dumb situation where the topic of marriage is on the table, but engagement is hush hush.

All in all, I don't mean to sound petty. I love my boyfriend and all I want is to be able to marry him. If it were up to me, I'd be planning a wedding and he could give me a ring when the day came, but I know that the proposal is special to him and that he wants everything to be official.

I guess I'm just venting, because I know there isn't much I can do about any of this. I have faith in my boyfriend. I know he'll do the right thing, I'm just going crazy in the process!

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Engaged...but not engaged?
Posted: Jul 21, 2011 5:59 PM Go to message in response to: wanderintook

Dear Wander,

You and your boyfriend are way, way too hung up on the ring.

If you have agreed to get married, then congratulations, you are engaged. It does not matter if you have a ring or not.

If you are pinching pennies and just scraping to get by, $3000 for a ring is totally unrealistic. Let's get real. I have been happily married for 35 years. My ring cost $800 in 1976. That was all we could afford at the time. We took a tax refund, got the best we could and got married.

Here is my suggestion to you.

1. Forget the $3000 ring.

2. Announce your engagement and just tell people you aren't wearing a ring.

3. Get married.

4. Put your savings towards things that matter: emergency fund, house downpayment fund, car repair, etc.

"but I'm not allowed to announce it until he's bought me a ring. "

"Allowed?" My Aunt Fanny.

Personally, I'd tell the guy to move ahead with Plan B (no $3000 ring) and if he's not willing to do that, I'd bail. You're tired of the whole thing, and I don't blame you.

I haven't worried about being "allowed" to do something since I was in high school, living in my parents' house.

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JamesAlicia0612 Posts : 9 Registered: 12/24/11
Re: Engaged...but not engaged?
Posted: Dec 24, 2011 8:06 PM Go to message in response to: wanderintook

Breathe...life has its phases. You know he's trying very hard, and he wants your family and his family to know so that you don't run out on him. In my opinion this guy is a superstar! He's trying to make you feel like the princess you are, acknowledge the fact that he is trying really hard to make this memorable.

Times get rough, but if you can make it together, you can do anything. I know your ranting, and I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you're coming off as being selfish. He's trying! Just keep on truckin, your moment will come! The magic is never lost, it just gets hidden by our own perceptions. <3


Wedding Tickers

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happychloe Posts : 21 Registered: 8/11/11
Re: Engaged...but not engaged?
Posted: Dec 30, 2011 12:28 AM Go to message in response to: JamesAlicia0612

Life is cool all the time, so take it easy and you will go through it !

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heartjack21 Posts : 1 Registered: 1/23/12
Re: Engaged...but not engaged?
Posted: Jan 23, 2012 4:13 PM Go to message in response to: wanderintook

Rings could be much more expensive then 3000$, mine is of 23000$

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MrsM2009 Posts : 422 Registered: 3/16/08
Re: Engaged...but not engaged?
Posted: Jan 23, 2012 4:50 PM Go to message in response to: wanderintook

I agree 100% that you're overthinking the ring. You don't need a ring to be engaged. And it sounds like, given your financial situation, a $3,000 ring is a poor move financially. That money would be much better off put into some kind of an emergency fund, since it sounds like you're flying high without much of a safety net at the moment (which is true of a lot of young couples, but you should be working on getting out of that situation, not buying things that will entrench it further).

If he is hell bent on a ring, have you thought about a synthetic diamond? You could get something that is chemically identical to a real diamond, and could even go bigger and flashier for much less money. I haven't ordered from this company and can't vouch for the quality, but Carat.co has a one carat solitaire for $266. The reviews online are quite good. One carat is MUCH bigger than you'd get for $3k with a real diamond (I'm guessing 3k would get you 1/3-1/2 carat). A synthetic diamond is compositionally the same as a real diamond (unlike something like cubic zirconia), it's just made in a lab instead of in the earth. Might be a way to compromise, and I'd be willing to be 99% of people who see it won't even know the difference.

I disagree with the PP who said you're being selfish. It sounds to me like you're just trying to deal with a tough situation. Much as it sucks, there is an expectation in American society about "the ring," and I can understand why your boyfriend might feel like he's letting you down without one.

And to the most recent poster blabbing about a $23k ring? You are obnoxious. Obviously the proper advice to give someone strugging with paying for a $3k ring is to remind her that some people pay much much much more for their rings. Ridiculous.

P.O.O.P. - People Offended by Offended People

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Caite Posts : 5 Registered: 1/5/11
Re: Engaged...but not engaged?
Posted: Jan 24, 2012 9:46 PM Go to message in response to: heartjack21

@heartjack--- $3000 dollars will buy a gorgeous engagement ring; I understand you're thrilled to have such a ridiculously expensive ring, but that comment sounded so stuck up, you're just trying to show off... Please think before you post, thank you.

"More than anything and everything..."

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