Don't want a wedding - am I alone?

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Freespyryt Posts : 1 Registered: 12/4/11
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Dec 4, 2011 8:25 PM Go to message in response to: RockChalkChick

You are not alone at all...I thought I was though! In the last year 15 of my friends have gotten engaged, 8 of them married and the other 7 working on weddings. I have no interest in any of it. Sure, when I was a little girl, up until about 20, I wanted a wedding, but the style kept changing, the number of people kept shrinking and now actually seeing wedding planning in action and watching all the drama and expense that it is, I want none of it. My boyfriend and I want to elope and just go on our honeymoon, but there are roadblocks. My mom wants a wedding or at least a big family dinner afterwards to celebrate and is ready to pay. The thing is, I don't want that. Most of my family are bigoted jerks who I don't like or people I haven't talked to since I was 10 and don't care to see, and my mom would want to invite EVERYONE, even people I don't really feel close to. But, my mom wants it so bad, and like I said, is ready to pay for it, but I really don't want one and can't think of a reasonable reason to just say no. And to top it off, my boyfriend's brother is unlikely to ever get married so this is his mom's only chance to really see her child get married, which I feel bad for. But I don't want any of it and it seems like a waste of time and resources and a huge amount of stress to make someone feel okay about something that they'll probably get over in a matter of weeks anyway. Ugh. I wish I knew what to do. I would be absolutely fine with just our parents and siblings and us at a justice of the peace with family only dinner afterwards, but whenever I suggest that to my mom, she gets all "But what about so and so?" and I don't know what to do. Any ideas?

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BLT1 Posts : 1 Registered: 12/6/11
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Dec 6, 2011 4:21 PM Go to message in response to: Freespyryt

Wow, I love all of you! I thought I was such a freak and was even questioning my love for my fiance because I just don't want a wedding. Not one ounce of me has any desire to have a wedding. Even joining this site to write this reply made me a little nauseous! Ha ha! I was married once before when I was in my early 20's and did the big wedding and I hated it then and many years later I feel the same way. My fiance would like to do 'something', even if it is small, with our families and I don't even want to do that. Ugh. I hate even thinking about it. I would like to elope. Has anyone eloped and regretted it later?

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oneofthemany Posts : 1 Registered: 12/21/11
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Dec 21, 2011 4:00 PM Go to message in response to: BLT1

I asked my fiance this simple question, why do you want a wedding reception? One half of his reasoning had to do with tradition(s). The other half had to do with wanting to have a "celebration" of sorts. I replied, when you go to buy a car,a house, start a business, or when you conduct any MAJOR business/legal transaction(s), the only individuals that come to the "signing" table are the ones that are signing the contract(s). Why should getting married be any different? . I understand wanting to celebrate our legal union, however, the myth needs to be debunked, you can get "married" without the after party, and be just fine!!!

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boolah Posts : 1 Registered: 2/5/12
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Feb 5, 2012 2:30 PM Go to message in response to: oneofthemany

No, none of us are alone, and it is so nice to see this long thread of other brides' messages who feel the same way! I would be perfectly content to go to the courthouse and sign the papers just the two of us, maybe with a nice dinner party with a couple dozen people. But for various family reasons, my fiancÚ can't/won't go that route, so we're having a bonafide wedding ceremony and reception. His compromise was whittling down the guest list, not inviting any cousins or many aunts/uncles, but even so, we're talking 60 or so people. I echo others' sentiments about how the important part is the actual commitment to marriage, and the trappings of the wedding are extraneous, and not all that important to me. But for many people (my fiancÚ included), a wedding reception isn't 'just a party,' and we've kind of agreed that we just disagree on this one. And I have to self-censor my grievances because I know it doesn't make him feel good knowing there is a big part of me that hates having to go through with all this rigmarole, with such a steep price tag. So it helps to share these thoughts on an online message board with others.

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misslexi22 Posts : 1 Registered: 2/21/12
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Feb 21, 2012 12:52 PM Go to message in response to: SaucyMrsK

You are not alone. I myself have been engaged for about two months, and if it were up to me we would have gone to vegas and back and been married already. My fiance also wants a wedding with family and friends there...my family is not very sentimental - so i know they would not miss my not having a wedding, however I feel his family would be offended. I do not care about the whole fuss of the wedding either and hate being the center of attention. We both lost our jobs recently so he wants to wait three years to get married because of the wedding he envisions- and I would get married right now today...with no fuss or frills. The only advise that I can give you is that if you do decide to go through with the big wedding,just try to keep it as simple as possible... remember its your day- and its about you getting married to the person you love. Everyone will have an opinion(good or Bad), just brush it off as long as your happy with your wedding...at the end of the day the color of your centerpieces, bridesmaids dresses, or flavor of your cake, will not dictate your marital success.:-) Good luck with everything!

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handymanlondon Posts : 1 Registered: 3/29/12
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Mar 29, 2012 12:53 AM Go to message in response to: misslexi22

Truly you are not alone because I've some of my friends who didn't want big wedding neither me didn't like that big wedding. For me, wedding is just a form of ceremony and first step in married life. What matter is what's next after the wedding. You know wedding only happens once but married life is forever. So, talk to your man and tell him.

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missT Posts : 1 Registered: 7/1/12
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Jul 1, 2012 5:57 AM Go to message in response to: RockChalkChick

It's amazing to see that this thread has been spanning over the last six years - and makes it even more comforting to see that others are/have been in the same boat as myself.

Like others, I am more than excited to be marrying my FH. The marriage (despite not having any good examples of marriage growing up) does not scare me. However, the same can not be said about the upcoming wedding.

To top it all off, I have moved countries to be with my FH. We did long distance for the last 5 years, flying back and forth from Australia and England (I'm the aussie). So where as I would love to just be settling into living with my FH and setting up my new life, I am on the 14 month countdown to our wedding. No clue, and no drive or want to organise one.

I have tried expressing this setiment to family (mine and his) - unfortunately the response has pretty much been "we'll you're having one now, just deal with it". I feel disheartened to even mention it to my FH, as this wedding is something that he really really wants. However, being an only child to only children, FH has not been exposed to the wedding field as much as I have thanks to my extensive family.

I suppose the one good point about having the wedding overseas for my family and friends, is that it automatically whittles down my guest list for me.

I've decided to treat it almost like a project or an assignment. Just keep telling myself its a party of sorts for my FH, and hopefully it will get me through the day (and upcoming months).

Thank you to all the Brides before me, you've all really put me at ease to know that I'm not crazy, or made differently for not wanting the huff and puff that seems to constitute as a wedding these days.

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DenverMom Posts : 1 Registered: 8/8/12
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Aug 8, 2012 4:32 PM Go to message in response to: RockChalkChick

I'm a mom of a daughter who does not want a wedding... and I have found it very hard to talk to her about it. She will be having a courthouse ceremony in the next couple of months to her bf who is in the Army. He will be getting deployed in February and he wants to be married to her before he leaves. But she doesn't even want anyone (including me) at the JOP ceremony. She doesn't want a big deal made of it. To her, this is her chance for 'freedom'. She's 21 and has lived at home and has never moved out. I understand the desire to be on your own, but it's almost as if she's going to 'endure' the ceremony just so that she can move away and be on her own, and not really consider it a marriage. She doesn't want a nice dress, or flowers or anything afterwards. I guess it hurts that she's taking this so lightly (in my opinion). She is MARRYING someone who loves her, but she's acting like she's just moving in w/ her boyfriend and they had to get married to get the benefits of being a married, Army couple. She does claim she would like a wedding after he comes back in Nov of 2013, but I don't really think she'll do that. I think that if she has all the 'frills' of a wedding, it will sink in that it's a true marriage - something she doesn't want to actually believe. Any advice?

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Laces Posts : 1 Registered: 8/27/12
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Aug 27, 2012 8:44 AM Go to message in response to: RockChalkChick

I was and am over-the-moon excited about my fiancÚ proposing and looking very forward to spending our lives together and working at marriage. While it was always very important to me to get married, the "wedding" never really factored into my dreams - not as a little girl, not in high school, not ever.

By the time I was 2 yrs-old, my parents had already been divorced and I grew up with them fighting and making these elaborate shows of being with other people and "looking happy" which has really turned me off to these grandiose displays for other people at the expense of anything more humble and genuine. I know I love my husband-to-be but I don't need everyone else to validate that nor do I need to justify it with a tired traditional ceremony where I wear some large cloud of chiffon I can barely walk in and pay more than I consider a resonable sum for.

My fiancÚ and I are both antitheists so the entire religious concession is something we'd both like to stray away from, which is excellent. That's nearly the only similarity in our personalities as far as the wedding ceremony goes. We are both understanding of each others' desires and working at reaching a compromise but as always there are socio-economic factors involved. He is an actor so he LOVES attention and all eyes being on him. I have a nearly irrational phobia of being in front of people with attention on me historically resulting in nervous fainting on stage. Not exactly how I would picture "our big day". Him and his parents own and operate a business in our small town and he is the first of the children to be getting married so I can see it getting fairly out of hand because they're close with EVERYONE. He's also very romantic and veritably enjoys public affection and showering me with attention and occasions (which I love) but I am a very private person and only that way with him in more intimate and personal settings.

I really wish we could simply elope down south and had suggested this but the complaints from his family have already began rushing in with protests that they can't afford to go, they're not able to travel, so-and-so wouldn't be able to make it (which is kind of the point because I'd like to keep it as small as possible), etc.

At the very least, it's refreshing to see that despite the gender stereotypes, there are ladies out there who would like something more subdued and we don't have to feel embarrassed or ashamed about this. In the meantime, I really need to find a way to make a tiny wedding look undeniably attractive. I don't want to wake up on a crash mat in a wedding dress with a faint-bump on my head!

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Catherine88 Posts : 170 Registered: 7/26/12
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Sep 1, 2012 2:59 AM Go to message in response to: RockChalkChick

You are not a lot but for most ladies they want to have a big wedding ceremony.I also want to have a big one,but a friend of mine,she does not want to get married.

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Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Sep 27, 2012 5:05 AM Go to message in response to: RockChalkChick

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courtsaloo Posts : 1 Registered: 1/12/13
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Jan 12, 2013 9:49 PM Go to message in response to: SaucyMrsK

Thank goodness for you ladies. While I hate seeing the struggles you all went through, I am selfishly grateful that I am not alone. I have no desire for a wedding at all. I, too, hate the thought of the attention and spotlight on me. I'm close with my parents and siblings, but not my aunts and uncles that 'I just have to invite.' When we first got engaged in April of 2012 I was ecstatic! We both agreed that we were going to do destination. We had slack from our moms, but mine was slowly coming around. His was not. It was clearly causing her anxiety. It felt like we were never going to be able to find that perfect place and date to go south. "I" suggested after a few months that we stay here. Big mistake. I didn't realize how much I hated weddings until I started to plan one. We had a venue, band, and photographer booked. Then I freaked. I felt in my gut that this just wasn't the wedding for me. Even though we were keeping it small, it wasn't small enough. 65-70 guests was driving me crazy to think about. We cancelled the venue and other things and decided to just put it on hold. I asked my FH the other week if a destination was off the table so I could get it out of my head. Long story short he said it basically was because of the financial hardship it would put on our guests. I do care. I know it's mainly his mom that would struggle financially and I would have no issue offering to pay. I truly do not want the traditional wedding that he seems to want now and it's making me so sad. I cry every single day because I feel like we will never get married at this rate. I am no enjoying this engagement at all and I don't know if I have it in me to just say screw everyone, we're going south. He's not being the easiest to talk to because I don't think he understands that not every woman desires this. I'm so sad during what should be the happiest time of my relationship. I'm so thankful to know I'm not as alone as I felt I was in this.

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