5 years and waiting

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hsanders8493 Posts : 1 Registered: 1/13/09
5 years and waiting
Posted: Nov 15, 2011 3:33 AM

So basically, I've been dating my boyfriend for 5 years and our relationship is great! We started dating when we were 16, and have been inseparable since. We started out as best friends when we were 14 and slowly transitioned into boyfriend and girlfriend. Marriage is not a big thing in my family, my parents were together for 22 years and had 4 kids before they got married in 2008. I, on the other hand, believe strongly in marriage. But every time I even mention marriage he freaks out and says I'm rushing into things... But we've been together for 5 years, how could I possibly be rushing things? We moved in together in February which was his idea, but marriage seems ludicrous to him? Am I overreacting and should I give him time to come around to the idea? Or am I right to be upset that I feel like I'm being strung along?

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: 5 years and waiting
Posted: Nov 15, 2011 10:25 AM Go to message in response to: hsanders8493

Dear HS,

By my math you are now 21. Even though you have been going with your boyfriend for five years, you are still on the young-ish side to get married.

I'm going to give you the same suggestion I have given others on this website who come with the same question.

Make yourself a mental deadline for a decision from this man. This deadline is not an ultimatum. It is known only to you.

Think, carefully, about your life situation. Are there any upcoming life-changing events, such as college graduation or a new job on the horizon? Any place where, naturally, you would be in a position to need to decide one way or the other about a future with this man? That might be a logical place for a deadline.

Another logical place might be a birthday. As I said, 21 is a bit young, but 23 or 24 is the exact right time to start making life-altering decisions. You will be more mature at 23 than you are now at 21, but you won't be that much more mature at 25 than at 23. In other words, your "maturity curve" starts leveling off as you approach your mid-twenties. By the same token, you'll notice fewer and fewer single, marriage-minded men in your circle of acquaintences as you move into your mid-twenties. Guys who want to get married will get married, and take themselves out of the "market".

(I am 57 years old, now, and have seen this again and again.)

So, let's say you make your 23rd birthday your own personal mental deadline. Between now and then, forget marriage. Live your life. Enjoy your boyfriend. Enjoy school, work, hobbies, athletic activities, dancing all night and all the fun things people do in their early twenties.

When you turn 23 (or reach whatever mental deadline you have in mind), you have a talk with your boyfriend about how, apparently, his life goals are not in line with your life goals. One of your life goals is to be happily married. If he does not have similar life goals, now is the time for you to move out, be totally Single again and be available to meet marriage-minded men.

It's not an ultimatum. It's a simple statement that you intend to persue your own life goals, with or without him. There's nothing wrong with that.

You would do the same thing if your cherished life goal was to climb Mt Everest, swim across the English Channel or build a collection of Cabbage Patch dolls. You are going to do it, with him or without him.

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KaitheyMartin Posts : 10 Registered: 9/13/11
Re: 5 years and waiting
Posted: Nov 16, 2011 11:36 PM Go to message in response to: hsanders8493

I agree with Aunt........It is too early for you to get married........Give yourself and your boy friend some more time and then ask him again........There would be lots og change in your way of looking towards life and in your thinking after 23 or 24.......So it would be better for you to think about getting married with him after that only.........

And you know him better so first think carefully that would you be happy with him or would you like to spend all your life with this man......Ask these questions to yourself and decide after 2 or 3 years.....this much gap will give you sufficient time to understand him more.......

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bnsp09 Posts : 5 Registered: 1/12/08
Re: 5 years and waiting
Posted: Dec 22, 2011 11:46 AM Go to message in response to: KaitheyMartin

I agree that 21 is young to get married (not because I waited that long myself I'm telling you from my experience) I got married at 19, by pushing the man to marry me. I was pregnant for the 3rd time my first successful pregnancy by 20 and gave birth to my daughter 3 days after I turned 21.
Also I would not want to marry someone that doesn't seem like he wants to marry me. You need to make sure that you ask yourself if he's scared of marriage or scared of marriage with you. Also what are your life goals? If you want a career or time to party then I would tell you to wait. If you want to be a house wife & mother & are okay with not having everything else that single people have then it's okay to get married young & start a family.
It all depends on you & what you want in life.
Always remember:
Don't marry the man you can live with, marry the man you can't live without.

Hope that helps!

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JamesAlicia0612 Posts : 9 Registered: 12/24/11
Re: 5 years and waiting
Posted: Dec 24, 2011 7:16 PM Go to message in response to: hsanders8493

Sweetheart, I know EXACTLY how you're feeling.

I had a boyfriend whom I was with from the 7th grade until I turned 19. Of course we had a few breaks but we always came back to each other for some reason.

I finally got the guts to break things off with him after conversation of marriage freaked him out the same way it freaks your boyfriend out. His family was like yours, his parents never were married but they were together for 22 years and just recently split this last year. I'm 22 years old now and I can say that I am so glad that I made the decision to leave the man who couldn't make it official.

I'm now with the most wonderful man in the world and I feel so blessed and I know we're meant to be. After a year of being together my fiance proposed to me.

It made me realize that me and my ex weren't meant for each other, it wasn't that he didn't love me and I didn't love him, us getting married just wasn't right. And maybe he can see something that you don't. As I see it he doesn't want to marry you. If he did, he would be more open to the idea and not try to push things back on you like its a bad thing that you're talking about a future together.

I hope you find your happiness!


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