Advice on a civil union issue, please...

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hilarya1980 Posts : 1 Registered: 11/16/11
Advice on a civil union issue, please...
Posted: Nov 16, 2011 10:01 AM

Short back story: we dated in high school, broke up, lived our own lives for twelve years, then found each other again. After one open discussion, we realized we still loved each other and wanted to be together. This past month, after four or five months of talking about a wedding next October, we both came to the decision that, while we want to large "wedding," we didn't want to wait that long to be married. We decided we would go to the courthouse, just us, and get married later this month, then still plan the big event for next year so everyone could attend. I had asked him if he wanted anyone there, and he said no, specifically naming his parents, stating that he wanted it to be something between him and I, something intimate. For almost a month now, I have been working under this plan.

Well, he called his parents this past weekend and told them what we were planning to do as far as the courthouse, save for the part about wanting to be alone. His mother immediately assumed she and his father were going to be attending, along with his 3-year old son from his first marriage (I have four children as well, who were also not going to be attending). He never once told his mother that we had discussed doing this alone while having this conversation. When he was filling me in, he couldn't understand why I was upset that he had suddenly changed all of the plans to suit his family, while having complete disregard for mine. He didn't even want to talk to my Dad until this coming Saturday, which was going to be three or four days before we actually went to get married. Because of my father's line of work, he cannot request time off that quickly, so while my fiance will have family present, I will not. We also had said no friends, so it is now too late for me to even have close friends of mine there.

I explained my position to my fiance and he said he would call his Mom back and talk to her, let her know what we already had in place and that she would be invited to and be a rather large part of the decision-making process in the larger event next year. She now refuses to step back and allow things to be done as planned. I do not feel it is my place to go to her, as I haven't really known her that long and don't have a true "relationship" with her yet.

Am I wrong in expecting him to hold up his end of this and stick to what we planned, given the other issues at hand? Am I justified in wanting what we planned, with no one there but us? I feel somewhat disrespected in all this, and it has made me question whether I even want to go through with it at the present time. This is causing me enough stress that I was sent home from work yesterday for being unproductive! I need objective opinions - HELP, please!!

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anne11235813 Posts : 58 Registered: 11/15/08
Re: Advice on a civil union issue, please...
Posted: Nov 16, 2011 12:55 PM Go to message in response to: hilarya1980

If I were in your shoes, I would be upset, too.

You make plans with your fiance about getting married, you agree on a procedure and plan accordingly.

Then he goes and does something you two explicitely agreed on to omit. WTF?

Your wedding is supposed to be special for both of you. But with this imbalance of people attending, I fear it will be not very nice for you. Especially because you will be aware of the WHY all the time. You parents could have been there if you knew earlier that his parents will attend. And they only attend because their son didn't have the guts to tell them no. And if he did actually told them they should not come and they are going to ignore that - that's the point were I would become really pissed, if I were you. That would be disrespectful of both of you.

I think it's a good idea to postpone your wedding and to solve this issue first. In later years, you shouldn't resent your wedding day.

Then - if all goes well - you can have your wedding & big reception later this year.

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Advice on a civil union issue, please...
Posted: Nov 16, 2011 7:15 PM Go to message in response to: hilarya1980

Dear Hilary,

You have several problems.

1. This is not a "civil union". You are talking about a marriage, which is just as legal as any other marriage. "Civil unions" are used to describe legal relationships between unrelated people who do not have the legal option of marriage, such as for same-sex couples.

2. You have the problem that your boyfriend agreed to one plan with you, then executed a different plan. This is a red flag, and if I were you I'd give some thought as to what married life with this man will be like.

3. You are planning, essentially, a fake wedding for show after being legally married.

Fake weddings are a hot topic on this message board, and I need to tell you in advance that I, personally, despise fake weddings. Either do it right or not at all.

I can fully appreciate parents being upset at the idea that their child is excluding them from their real wedding, and appeasing them with a fake re-enactment later. If one of my adult children wanted to do that to me, I would be very disappointed.

Because I strongly believe in letting my adult children live their adult lives as they see fit with little interference from Mom, I would probably not say very much should one of my children come to me with such a fake wedding proposal. I would say "Fine, that's your business, go for it. However, please don't expect me to attend."

I am not obliged to attend a fake wedding for anyone, not even my own child. If they want to put on a show, great, but they should not expect me to participate.

What they do is their business. What I do is my business.

Bottom line is that I urge you to reconsider. Either invite your very close family to the courthouse and call it your real wedding, or wait and get married, for real, in a real ceremony with all the trimmings. But first, give some serious thought to #2 above. Your boyfriend unilaterally changed the plan without your input. That is not a good thing.

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jackson132 Posts : 1,623 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: Advice on a civil union issue, please...
Posted: Dec 24, 2012 3:37 PM Go to message in response to: hilarya1980

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