Worried about emotional abuse --- very complicated!!

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Worried8788 Posts : 1 Registered: 10/11/11
Worried about emotional abuse --- very complicated!!
Posted: Oct 11, 2011 4:19 PM

Hi there, I'm really hoping to get some advice here. I've found myself in a very difficult situation and I feel like the clock is ticking:

My fiance lives in Europe and we've known each other for 8 years. Over those 8 years, although we were never in a committed relationship, we still loved each other and saw each other as much as possible. This past January, we decided to finally get engaged and take this relationship to the next level. However, we had to take the leap into marriage, because immigration laws prevent you from living more than 3months in the other's country.

Now we officially got engaged in April, and the wedding planning as begun. He will move to the US in early December, but I am starting to worry because I see very serious signs of emotional abuse I didn't recognize before.

We've always bickered, like most couples do. However, the closer it's getting to his move, the more he seems to make mountains out of molehills and pick incredibly petty fights.

He is VERY mistrusting of me, constantly suspicious of where I go and who I see (although I rarely go out anymore). He has called me a liar when I try to tell him where I've been, and when I ask why he's so jealous or suspicious, he says I have made him this way (with no real reason) and it's my fault. He is so insanely jealous and insecure.

He also has a short temper, even more so when he drinks, and isn't able to be rational or calm.

Now, since we've never had the chance to spend more than 1 month together at any given time, I'm starting to get worried over his controlling behavior and am starting to see what I used to think as "bickering" as a more serious issue - emotional abuse.

Here's where it gets tricky --- he has given his notice for his job and plans on moving in early December. I'm afraid to go ahead with this marriage if things don't get better (I worry if emotional abuse will even lead to physical abuse!). And if I let him come in December, but tell him it's still a "trial" and that we need therapy before our wedding in February......I worry that even if things dont get better, I'll feel too bad to call things off (he would have to leave the US and go back home with no job, no car, etc....he is giving up everything to move here!).

He tells me he's trying hard to change and go for therapy, and I know it will take time to change (IF it's even possible).....but I don't know. It's not like we can really postpone the wedding either, because of the visa issue, so that complicates things on a whole other level. I feel like it's either all or nothing at this point.

My heart wants to follow through and try to make this marriage work, but my gut is telling me this isnt healthy.

Has anyone been in a similar position? Has anyone ever called off an engagement here? Advice (and be gentle, please! lol) would be greatly appreciated! Thanks everyone!

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simplymai Posts : 2 Registered: 11/2/11
Re: Worried about emotional abuse --- very complicated!!
Posted: Nov 2, 2011 1:36 PM Go to message in response to: Worried8788

Dear Worried,

I don't think it's a good idea to get married because of the visa. You get married because that's the person who you fallen in love with, the person who you want to spend the rest of your life with, the person who you can't picture your life without. It's especially not a good idea to get married before you have the opportunity to live with him to get a preview of what life would be like as a married couple. You mentioned that you were in a relationship with him for 8 years, but never spent any time longer than a month's time together. I would recommend spending more time with him and really getting to know him for him, not the guy you communicate with across seas. If you are already feel that he's emotionally abusive, then most likely he is. I understand you feel that you are in a tight position because you are in a time crunch, but really, if you went ahead with the wedding, then realized he was not the one, how would you feel? How would he feel? Talk to your fiance about your concerns before making any major decisions. Do express EXACTLY how you feel about the situation and everything. Go from there. Remember, you always can get the visa later, but you don't get a second shot at love. Best of luck. I hope I was able to help you.

Best

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GraceKelly Posts : 15 Registered: 10/7/11
Re: Worried about emotional abuse --- very complicated!!
Posted: Nov 9, 2011 10:20 AM Go to message in response to: simplymai

I totally agree with simplymai....getting married just for a visa isn't really a good reason to get married. I've seen people make international relationships work without having to get married...perhaps he can get an extended stay visa, or get sponsored for a working visa for a job if he's skilled at something, or even teach his native language? He could take some courses with a college and get a student visa. There are also options between a lot of countries for working holidays (less so for the US but it could still be an option depending on where he's from). What I'm trying to say is, marriage isn't always the only option!

What worries me more is that you have doubts. If you're having these sorts of feelings about your relationship, do you really think it's a good idea to get married anyway? Emotional abuse is still abuse and he does sound very controlling to me. And if it's bad now, it's not going to get better after you're married.

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Ruth12 Posts : 1 Registered: 11/14/11
Re: Worried about emotional abuse --- very complicated!!
Posted: Nov 14, 2011 1:28 PM Go to message in response to: Worried8788

I think you should buy a book called Woman vs Womaniser by JC Johnson. It's a brutally honest account of the author emotional abusing women. There is actually a very similar scenario that will open your eyes to this guy behaviour. It is also a very gripping read...
you can get an overview here: www.womanvswomaniser.com

good luck

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TashaAL Posts : 6 Registered: 2/6/12
Re: Worried about emotional abuse --- very complicated!!
Posted: Mar 7, 2012 12:45 PM Go to message in response to: Worried8788

Please listen to your gut and heart.

Your body and mind is a wealth of knowledge, and if it is telling you to be nervous, it's not just telling you to make your life complicated.

Your emotional well-being (and physical health) are the most important things - and if you are worried that a person might be detrimental never mind not even being able to foster those things - that is scary. :-/

My fiance is also not an American Citizen, so i understand the challenges of that and feeling like you have to jump on it cuz it's your last and only chance...
But has he tried applying for jobs that would sponsor him for a work visa, or maybe he would want to go back to school over here so at least you could test this out a bit longer before getting married??

Just listen to yourself - no one knows you like you know you and thus only you can find the answer of what you should do.

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AngelinaC01 Posts : 1 Registered: 3/10/12
Re: Worried about emotional abuse --- very complicated!!
Posted: Mar 10, 2012 3:57 PM Go to message in response to: Ruth12

+1

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swichwang34 Posts : 657 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: Worried about emotional abuse --- very complicated!!
Posted: Sep 13, 2012 6:54 PM Go to message in response to: Worried8788

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