Smackdown?

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theoneandonly22 Posts : 14 Registered: 5/3/10
Smackdown?
Posted: Oct 23, 2011 1:03 AM

Hello!

I'll try to make this quick. My fiancÚ and I originally planned to elope and have a reception later for close family and friends.

But...
Recently my mother told me that she would really appreciate a wedding she could attend. So if my mother goes, his mother has to go, and her husband, and her kids, and blah blah you get the point!

The issue?

There is no way that our families and friends will get along. We seriously thought out loud the different fights that would take place. There are certainly high emotions involved revolving around his family distaste for me and the dropping of a few racial slurs about me from my fiancÚ's mother and stepfather.

What should I do? I don't want to hurt everyone's feeling, which many have said I would if I elope. BUT which is worse? Friends lost or the mother of all fights right before we cut the cake?

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Smackdown?
Posted: Oct 24, 2011 12:09 AM Go to message in response to: theoneandonly22

Dear Only,

I am 57 years old and have seen a lot of Life in my life. I have seen situations such as yours.

If you and your FH do not truly believe that you can have a wedding with both families attending without your guests having to witness a bunch of ugly scenes, then I fully support your idea to elope.

After the elopement, you could have SEPARATE receptions for both sides of the family. A reception for his family, a reception for your family.

Let me offer a general observation, which may apply in your situation. Usually, there are certain people who "must" be invited to a wedding. The couple's parents and siblings are "must-invites". Any spouses or fiance(Ú)s of any invitee must be invited. (That's the No Ring No Bring rule.) I include same-sex couples living as if married in areas where legal marriage is not an option.

Proper Etiquette allows exceptions to these "must-invite" people if that person's past behavior has been poor.

In other words, if you dearly love Aunt Mary, but her husband Uncle Bob is a convicted pedophile and you will be having children at your wedding, no one, not Emily Post, not Miss Manners, not Yours Truly will tell you that Uncle Bob must be invited because Proper Etiquette requires married couples to be invited together.

If you and your FH agree, repeat, agree that the two moms as well as various family members' past behavior is objectionable, that is grounds to not invite them. If the moms are not to be invited, I can't imagine how you could get away with inviting other more distant relatives.

Thus, elopement is your only option, and I fully support you on that.

Later, have separate receptions if you are so inclined.

An alternate suggestion might be to hope one of your friends, a nice friend who is fully supportive of your marriage, might step forward and volunteer to host a party/reception in your honor. In this party, the host (ie your nice friend) would only invite other supportive friends and omit moronic family members.

I wish you well, I sincerely do. I have a niece who I love dearly, like a daughter. She is white and married a black man. I love them both, and her husband's (rather humongous) family is a fabulous group of folks who have totally accepted her and SMOTHER her with love and affection.

But, still, it's not easy. You have my sincere best wishes.

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KingsQueen13 Posts : 18 Registered: 4/28/11
Re: Smackdown?
Posted: Oct 26, 2011 12:36 AM Go to message in response to: theoneandonly22

I'm in a slightly similar situation... My FH and I have had conversations about creating "special" invitations for his mother and brother (+wife and child), that actually have the incorrect time for the wedding (noon instead of nine) just so we don't have to deal with them. Earlier this month we went to a bridal show at our venue, with my mom and his stepmom. His brother found out and told their mother, and needless to say all hell broke loose because we hadn't invited her to come along. At first, she was someone that I thought was a decent woman, but that was because I only saw her for an hour or two, once every couple of months. My FH used to tell me how crazy and annoying she was and I chalked it up to a complicated mother/son relationship. Then I started spending more time around her and realized just how right he was. I stood up to her regarding a personal matter that she disagreed with and she then was so insulted that I didn't take her opinion into consideration that she refused to give my FH his great grandmothers ring (which she had promised him) that he was going to propose with. Ever since that point I avoid her like the plague. I still see her on occasion but the mood is either forced or silent. I have alot of issues with her and so does my FH. At his brother's wedding she DEMANDED a picture with her sons and their father, just the 4 of them, as if to portray a happy family... specifically stating she didn't want anyone else (their stepmom, or step-siblings) in the picture. When my FH told her she was being irrational, seeing as she and their father had not been on speaking terms in about 15 years, she threw a fit... like a literal fit! She started yelling and crying all while we were all still at the venue! It was a horrible scene. FH and his brother do not get along at all either, and in another post I believe I stated his brother is one of the reasons we aren't having alcohol at the wedding because the night of his own wedding he got so drunk he threw his wedding ring at his wife's face. FH and I both fear a similar showing at our wedding, and really would love to just leave both of them out of it.

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ChelsaSherene Posts : 1 Registered: 10/26/11
Re: Smackdown?
Posted: Oct 28, 2011 11:44 AM Go to message in response to: theoneandonly22

Me and my Husband did the same or are doing what you originally planned some people were upset but I said hey no one was there you weren't left out most of the family after that was very supportive because the wedding is about no one but the two of you no one else matters yes family is important me and my hausband believe that wholeheartedly but it's not about them. I honestly think I'd rather have that and then the party anyways cause you can tell your friends and family that party is just for them and it'll give em' a little spring in their step.

love being a Navy wife and I'll never stop <3

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BrittanyHeller Posts : 18 Registered: 10/11/11
Re: Smackdown?
Posted: Nov 3, 2011 11:51 AM Go to message in response to: theoneandonly22

It's your wedding, so you and your fiance need to do what you feel is going to make you happiest. If you know there is going to be fighting and drama that will ruin your special day then elope and maybe hold two separate dinners or mini-events to celebrate your marriage with your families separately

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theoneandonly22 Posts : 14 Registered: 5/3/10
Re: Smackdown?
Posted: Nov 13, 2011 12:15 AM Go to message in response to: BrittanyHeller

Thank you, Everyone!

I truly am not so confused or unsure about what to do anymore. I have decided also that weddings bring out the best and worst in people.

I truly thank each one of you for your unique intake!

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jackson132 Posts : 1,623 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: Smackdown?
Posted: Dec 24, 2012 3:35 PM Go to message in response to: theoneandonly22

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