Don't want a wedding - am I alone?

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Gabs Posts : 2 Registered: 11/8/10
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Nov 8, 2010 7:21 AM Go to message in response to: RockChalkChick

I've going through the same and the reason why I joined this blog is to talk about my feelings with complete strangers who will not judge me.
1. I dont see the need for a wedding. I love my boyfriend, with whom I have been living together for the last 2 years. I want to be with him but I dont see the need of spending huge amounts of money (which we dont have). I'd rather save for other things as the mortgage of a house or a nice trip. What is really going to change besides the rings on our fingers? Nothing, our daily lives will be just like they are now! I would have liked to get married before, when it was really starting a life together now I dont understand why it has to be such a big thing...
2. My opinion doesn't count. My bf and are both foreigners in this country. In 2 years time, we will hopefully move to my country but in the meantime we are geographically closer to his family than to mine. Hence his mom has been planning everything. Fair enough. What I dont like is that she plans the wedding according to her likes, her dreams, her ideas, her style her everything. When I am asked my opinion and I differ from hers we start a battle. I feel so uncomfortable. My bf tries to please us both but somehow he wants to make his family happy because he is the only child. I told him that I would let them do what they want and that I will only show on the wedding day looking nice but he didnt like it.
3. Our relation has turned very tense since the wedding planning started. As I am not really a wedding fanatic, I find all the wedding plans unnecessary. But my bf kind of wants a bride who is crazy about wedding stuff. I also get stressed because my work contract will end in less than 1 year and I dont know how times will be after I dont have any income. I do have some savings, he has a good job, but I just feel irresponsible spending into showing off a supposed wealth.
4. I will be surrounded by strangers. Most of the potential guests are strangers to me. Only my parents and siblings can make it to the wedding. Some friends may also be there but mostof the guests I will be meeting the first time. I dont understand the language, I will need subtitles to my wedding and that makes me feel quite weird.
5. I asked my bf to go the civil office and sign. What is important to me is to be married, not an expensive party, but he doesnt want to. He said he'd feel ridiculous and he would disappoint loads of people. I feel he wants a wedding only to attach to social conventions and that to him it matters most what they want rather than what I want.
I think it will be either his way or no wedding at all.
As for today the wedding is in stand by. We have only bought the rings and my dress and shoes.
I feel quite sad about this, but I dont think I would feel happy doing something I dont want to do and that makes me very stressed and uncomfortable.

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AmyT Posts : 1 Registered: 11/15/10
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Nov 15, 2010 9:07 AM Go to message in response to: Gabs

Oh, THANK GOOGLE. I have been engaged 11 days, have been looking around at wedding details, and I am already saying NO THANK YOU. Everything is so freaking expensive, and I'm already so stressed, that I'm starting to think I don't want a wedding at all! I thought I was a weirdo for feeling this way.

I love my fiance and absolutely want to spend my life with him. But I'm starting to see that weddings are so much fuss and bother. My fiance actually said to me, in reference to our wedding day "Well, this isn't going to be fun", to which I replied, "Then I don't want a wedding!" Seriously, if this isn't going to be any fun at all, FORGET IT.

My fiance and I don't have a lot of money. We live in the Atlanta area, and I'd like to get married around here, but as soon as you put the word "wedding" in front of anything, the price gets jacked up a grand. My parents have offered some money (no official amount; my mother says I should "look around" and see what I like. Yeah, that's smart, because then I'll plan my dream wedding and not be able to afford it), but they have also dropped hints they want me to get married in TN (where they live and I went to college), but I don't want to get married there.

I am so stressed and so upset, and I don't even have anything planned yet. And I love my fiance, but he seems so set on a ceremony and reception, and the thought is actually crossing my mind that I will call off our engagement if we can't agree. I need help. I want to elope or just go down to the courthouse and be done with it. Screw the dress and the food and the stupid party. I HATE THIS. Is anyone out there? Please reassure me that I'm not a freak.

EDIT: Oh, unlike some who've posted, I actually have fantasized about having a wedding when I was younger, but the details always changed as my tastes changed (and my boyfriends changed), but now, I can't even see a clear vision in my head to plan around. The spending money part is really what's getting me down, I think, honestly.

Edited by: AmyT on Nov 15, 2010 9:09 AM

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Nov 15, 2010 10:10 AM Go to message in response to: AmyT

AmyT - as evidenced by your thread, you are not a freak. (BTW I did have a wedding, but I also understand not wanting one.)

That said, if you think your parents will want you to get married in TN, then I suggest not accepting or expecting their contribution. (As you said you want to get married in GA.)

I was just at a wedding this past weekend, where the couple got married at a park, I'm not even sure they had to pay for the use, and a friend officiated. There was a potluck reception (which I don't recommend only because of organization/travel issues and someone always shelling out more money because no food is there and trying to fix it) - but we had a great time and were there to celebrate their wedding.

My point, things can be low key. I had other friends who got married in New Orleans (they are in VA) - it was just them and the officiant and his wife as witness. They had a photographer do pics beforehand - they were gorgeous.

My biggest suggestion - make sure whatever you do is special. Even if you go to the JOP, do pics with a photog in a park beforehand, dress up - make it special.

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emck33 Posts : 1 Registered: 1/5/11
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Jan 5, 2011 2:16 PM Go to message in response to: AmyT

OMG! I almost cried when I found this thread. You all took the words out of my mouth. (@AmyT, I am also in the Atlanta area and my fiancee wants to get married in Tennesse where I'm from.) I dread having a wedding and am trying to fight the growing resentment of "having" to in order to please other people, specifically my fiancee. Like many of the previous posters I have never dreamt of my wedding day. Doing so makes me nauseous. I do not wish to be the center of attention, nor do I agree with what someone else termed the "anti-female" symbolism.

I don't know what to do and don't know how much choice I have. I have no money to contribute (which supports my non-wedding ideas) so feel as though I have little say. Plus, all the planning is on my shoulders because my fiancee's job has him working late 6 days a week for probably the at least the next month. We're hoping to pull this off late summer/early fall 2011. I work full time and am finishing up graduate school. Planning a wedding I don't want seems like a waste of my time and other people's money. Further, I haven't been to that many weddings and haven't been in any at all. I don't really know how they work.

What are some ways you all have made this easier? Any time-or effort-saving tips?

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jctpixie Posts : 1 Registered: 1/26/11
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Jan 26, 2011 1:55 PM Go to message in response to: Em30

I am dying to hear what people have ended up doing and if it worked or helped at all. Everything I'm reading are my sentiments exactly!!! If it were up to me, we would be following our plan and running away to Belize, getting married at the top of a Mayan temple, spend a month in South America and then come back to have a huge party. That has been our plan for the past 3 years, just had been waiting on the right time. (In my mind, that was the perfect way to go since I really didn't want any fuss made about it, but at least we could have something intimate and just about us and then have a party...) Instead, his mother wants to be there for it, and last year she was in a terrible accident and suffered several injuries. Now, all she wants in the world is to Ö. DrumrollÖ see us get married, AND is paying for it all. UGH. So we basically have to. She wants a big dress, but I bought a tea length dress anyway. She wants a huge cake, I donít even like cake. I donít want to spend money on a wedding in the first place and I feel extra bad about spending her money on things that I really donít want. Iíve always said that I want to BE married I just donít want to GET married, and this is my ultimate punishment and worst case scenario. My fiance wants to make her happy, but it is KILLING me in the process and he basically thinks I'm being unreasonable for not wanting a wedding. I also don't want to go into a marriage offending the in-laws and making a terrible lasting impression. I just don't know what the best compromise would be. Iím trying everything in my power to go with it and just suffer through a wedding so that I can actually be married, but I am seriously having anxiety attacks and crying on a daily basis.

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Clementine03 Posts : 1 Registered: 5/31/11
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: May 31, 2011 6:55 PM Go to message in response to: jctpixie

I am so happy to have found this thread. I got engaged earlier this month and even though I am a "mature bride" (I am 36) and my future husband is also "mature" (46) people are still expecting us to have a big wedding!! Even those that understand that we aren't big wedding types and don't want a big wedding are expecting us to have a big party/reception, which we are also not interested in doing. What's the point of not having a big to-do and still spending a lot of money on a party? Sort of defeats the purpose.

Our plan all along has been to get married on the beach in Hawaii (and that is still OUR plan). I was raised an only child so my Mother would like to attend, which is fine with me (except now she is trying to dictate the date due to her remaining vacation time), but my father-in-law just had open heart surgery and I don't think he'll be ready to travel to Hawaii in December and my own Father doesn't like to fly and said, " I can't go to Hawaii!!". I feel all this pressure to meet everyone else's expectations..to get married locally to appease my parents and to have a big party that I don't want. I am so glad I am 36 and not 26 when I most likely would have caved in to the pressure. We've only been engaged 3 weeks and I've learned not to discuss my plans with ANYONE. Everyone has an opinion "why on earth would you not want to wear white!!!". UGH.

I will be getting married in December on the beach in Hawaii in a navy blue dress I've been dreaming of since I saw it with or without my/our parents. There will be no party back home afterwards and I will NOT be having any showers (my friends don't understand that it is not appropriate to have showers for someone who is not having a wedding!!!).

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Aunt Posts : 794 Registered: 12/31/10
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Jun 1, 2011 12:15 AM Go to message in response to: Clementine03

Dear Clem,

Stand your ground. I'm behind you 100%.

Get married at the beach in Hawaii in your navy blue dress. Go for it.

It's good that you want to consider the various situations of your parents, but there is a limit. It's not your fault you are an only child. Do what you want to do, but extend a reasonable amount of consideration to your parents.

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DeniseRose Posts : 40 Registered: 5/10/11
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Jun 1, 2011 1:48 PM Go to message in response to: Aunt

I agree with Aunt.

We are behind you 100%.

Do what you and your groom want.

If you don't want any parties at all, then decline all offers. However, some people may still send you gifts. Gift giving is up to the giver. Be sure to send thank yous for any gifts you get. You can even say, "We weren't expecting any gifts; thanks so much for thinking of us. ..."

Lastly, if someone offers to host a party and have you as the honored guests, are you sure you want to turn them down? If they do all the work an pay for everything and all you have to do is show up, why not? I understand that shower guests should also be invited to the wedding so showers are probablly out, but if someone is desprate to throw a party, maybe they could do an engagment party or a post wedding reception. Think of this, is someone asked you to be the guest of honor at a birthday party or a graduation party would you turn them down?

If you really really don't want any parties, then by all means just say "no thankyou" but I hope you will think about it. The parties are not just for you, they are also for the friend and family who want to celebrate.

My groom and I choose to not plan a rehersal dinner. My dad was very disappointed. He and his wife offered to host one. My stepmom planned everything. All I had to do was get a cocktail dress and show up. It made my Dad happy so it was worth it to me because I like to make my Dad happy. But I didn't have to give up any other part of my wedding plans. Everything about our wedding was just what my groom and I choose, except there was an extra party.

So, I'm still behind you 100%. Just say no thank you if you are really sure that's what you want.

I love that you are going to wear something other than white. I did wear white (okay the designer called it Gold but I would say it was a dark ivory and my hubby says it was white) because my groom would have been disapointed otherwise. But I love it when brides do their own thing instead of being cookie cutter brides. Blue is a great wedding dress color. Hope you will post a pic of your dress.

Edited by: DeniseRose on Jun 1, 2011 12:49 PM

Daisypath Anniversary tickers

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brianamarie Posts : 1 Registered: 9/7/11
thank goodness
Posted: Sep 7, 2011 11:48 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I really felt like I should join a support group.
My fiancee REALLY wants a wedding, the thing is that he has been married before and went deep into debt because of it. I havent been married before, but I've never been the "big wedding" type of girl.
He is the Navy (that is where we met) and we have to get married before he transfers in about 6 months. After getting out of the Navy, I havent been able to find a job and until he transfers, I wont be able to use my GI Bill to help with any expenses.
I have no interest in planning a wedding, I found a nice dress and want to go small. The problem is that we are from traditionally hispanic families who believe in HUUUGE weddings and a minimum of 300 guests... YEAH... not going to happen. I am also the only daughter in my family and he doesn't have any sisters so this is his and my mom's dream to spend and plan and do all sorts of silly girl things. I dont know how I am going to be able to compromise with both of our families... I need help!

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Juicyca Posts : 1 Registered: 9/9/11
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Sep 9, 2011 8:56 PM Go to message in response to: RockChalkChick

Hi, this is great, i have read EVERY word all of you girls wrote here...that's exactly how i feel. don't want a puffy or white dress, don't want the aisle, the bridesmaids, the cake, the attention, the 'wedding dance' (i would fall over and break an ankle, knowing my luck!). NO THANKS. even just setting a date for the engagement party makes my stomach turn upside down. and then, where to from here? where to start with the whole wedding thing? my fiance has been married before, very traditionally, so he said this one is up to me, he had the big fancy wedding, and if i like that i can have it, if not we can do whatever makes me happy. but what makes me happy? eloping on a remote island - what about the kids then? a courthouse wedding - what if i regret not having a puffy cake-like dress and all that jazz?? I don't want to spend any money on this, as i think it's such a waste paying THAT much, just for your guests to get totally drunk...to me it's just one freaggin' day in our lives, i could go spend it fishing, because that's something that makes me happy! The details is what get me excited: writing cards, table decorations, etc etc, but only for others, NOT for my own event. It seems, whatever we decide, we will disappoint so many people. My mum eloped in denmark, and my dad eloped in las vegas - i NEVER dreamt of a wedding day, so this whole thing... I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT. I am just sooo glad, that there are others (and not just a few) that feel that way. I hope you all have the wedding of your 'non'-dreams, that it is just wonderful and that it all works out! thank you all for coming forward!

Edited by: Juicyca on Sep 9, 2011 8:57 PM

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Jennica74656 Posts : 1 Registered: 9/15/11
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Sep 15, 2011 1:36 PM Go to message in response to: RockChalkChick

Wow. I can't believe how many girls are in the same boat I was. My grandmother eloped and I remember her saying once how much she enjoyed weddings b/c she never got one of her own. So, I was determined to have a wedding - even if it killed me - b/c I didn't want to regret not having one. Like you, RCC, I'm terrified of public speaking and being the center of attention. That was the part I was dreading the most. And there were a few things that made planning quite stressful. The wedding is now over and I'm glad I had it. I do remember thinking during the reception that I wished my new hubby and I could dive into the limo and get out of there, but I'm thankful I gave him the wedding he wanted.

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nomadicchick Posts : 1 Registered: 9/23/11
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Sep 23, 2011 2:00 PM Go to message in response to: Jennica74656

Thank you all for sharing - I guess it's like the saying that 'misery loves company'!

I have NOOO interest in a wedding - I literally could care less about a dress, bridesmaids, colors, and all the 'fluff' you have a do for a wedding. Neither my mother or MIL understand this. Though we picked a wedding date, I am constantly berated for my apathy on the details!

I find myself crying my eyes out, everytime I have to deal with anything wedding-related....it's just awful! I feel like having to have a wedding and be fluffed up like a pretty pretty princess and pranced down the aisle like a poodle, sounds like a punishment!

At 27 years old, you'd think I'd be more mature and accepting of this...but it all just makes me nauseated.

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cassie86 Posts : 1 Registered: 9/23/11
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Sep 23, 2011 7:12 PM Go to message in response to: nomadicchick

There is nothing as relieving as finding a group of people that feel the same way you do...after spending several weeks feeling like you're the weirdest person on Earth!

My fiancť and I had a pretty big fight recently over the fact that I just cannot visualize my wedding. Like a lot of you, I never spent time as a child picture that "perfect day." But, that's the thing. I still want it to be a great day.

From day one (and before that, actually), I have told people I wanted a small wedding. Everyone, including my fiancť, was OK with this idea. And the number one thing everyone told me was, "Just do what you want. Just do whatever makes you happy." In my mind, that was what would make me happy. I always wanted a smaller wedding because I didn't to deal with the anxiety and stress of a big wedding. I hate planning the details, and the more I wedding dress shop, the more I cannot visualize myself in the dress. I actually went dress shopping and tried on many. The one I liked ended up being $800, so no thank you.

Also, it was going to be less expensive. No need to explain that one.

But the other night, I told my fiance, "Look, I have no idea where to start planning this big day, because I can just not picture myself in a traditional wedding." So, I suggested the thought of just eloping or doing something very, very tiny and non traditional.

The fiance, who up to this point has not expressed very many opinions on what he wants, ALL OF A SUDDEN decided my ideas were out of the questions. Now, he wants some big elegant wedding, with a $4,000 reception to follow. Wtf? It came out of left field, and let's just say the night didn't end well.

I hate feeling this way, because obviously the day is not just about me. I want to give him what he wants, but I know I'm going to end up making all the decisions. And that control.. and that pressure to make the decisions that will please everyone involved... is TOO much. Too much so... that I feel like I'm about to pull the plug on all of it.

Am I wrong?

Any advice?

BTW, like I said before, it's really great to know we're all in the same boat. At the end of the day, why put yourself through something that's going to cost a butt-load of money and make you miserable at the same time?

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Clobsey Posts : 1 Registered: 10/15/11
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Oct 15, 2011 9:21 AM Go to message in response to: Clementine03

It is a huge relief to see these comments. I got engaged at Christmas and I've done nothing about it. I've got no interest in doing anything about it either.

I've been with my partner for 10 years. We have bought a house together, a huge financial commitment where I signed more legal documents than I can remember to protect us both as if we were a married couple.

I take comfort in my engagement ring because people who meet me for the first time presume I am married (my engagement ring is a silver band) So my involvement in the church is easier to handle. Friends are constantly nagging when will you get married? have you set a date? do you realise the venues get booked up? and all i can think of is why do you care about this? Saving for a wedding would make us miserable as al we would think about is we cant do anything because we have to save the money so you can eat a piece of cake!

Everyone has an opinion, you should do this, for my wedding I did this. When I say we don't have the money to pay for a wedding the standard comment is "Its not about money, but really it is, because I having a wedding doesn't change the fact that everyday we work at our relationship. Everyday we work as a team to achieve our goals and dreams, everyday we work hard to create a home. We believe in the values of marriage and live by them everyday, we just haven't forked out the money on one day, or one dress.

I sit here in tears writing this post. I am beside myself that I will regret not having a day, worry I will react and have a wedding and resent everyone after the event as i will feel they pressured me into it and I will suffer the financial fallout. Worst I then worry my thoughts on a wedding mean I don't love my partner as every girl is supposed to want this day??

My recent involvement with the church and several friends unsaid, and at times said, feelings makes me feel inadequate, which is my own insecurities... Often I wish I hadn't said "yes" just so that I didn't have any of these feelings. I ask my partner why did you propose and he said it was because he loves me and wants to spend his life with me and he wanted me to know how he felt. I asked him about how he feels about a wedding and he said he never thought about it. I just want the shame and frustration of being asked the same questions to go away. I just want to not feel so upset after another wedding bashing from friends..

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Hobbes007 Posts : 1 Registered: 11/26/11
Re: Don't want a wedding - am I alone?
Posted: Nov 26, 2011 11:02 AM Go to message in response to: Clobsey

I am so glad I found this post. I will share what happened to me..hopefully not to stress you all out further, but because nobody out there understands that there are actually women who don't want a wedding.

I got married in January this year. I always wanted to elope...I have NEVER EVER dreamt of my wedding, and have never been a "wedding person". I always thought wedding were old-fashioned. I have never wanted to get all dolled up and parade down the aisle in front of everyone. I have never liked being the center of attention. I personally think it's like parading around like a prize cow at a cattle parade. My husband on the other hand, was unwilling to compromise. Not only did he want a huge party as he is a huge party animal and very outgoing, he also wanted to do it as cheaply as possible, meaning that we would have to work really hard. As it turns out, the wedding planning was awful and stressful. I ended up not inviting some of my friends because I wanted to keep the numbers down because too many people were being invited (another aspect that my then fiance refused to compromise on). My family (more specifically my mother, who is my only surviving parent) was completely awful the week before the wedding. Not only had she been the one to say "we will all help", but she turned out to be the trojan horse! The week before, she told me not to ask my brothers for help because they were all on holiday, she also disagreed with me about everything and made herself the huge victim of the situation and refused to help. As a result I was so sad and traumatised on the wedding day. But I had to put on the fakest smile ever. For months afterwards she carried on accusing us (my husband and me) of using her....And this after I paid her flight to come to the wedding and invited all her relatives FOR HER as she wanted the wedding and she didnt even have to pay a cent towards the wedding! What made me the angriest of all is that everybody ignored me when I kept on saying right from the start that I dont want a wedding I want to elope and who is going to help me to do everything?!?! I felt like the wedding was a duty that I had to perform for everybody else and I had to be a fake because I didn't even want to be there. Now I have to continue to be a fake because I can't tell anyone the truth about how I feel about the wedding because it's socially unacceptable!!! WTF?!?!?!

Our relationship got damaged for a while because of the wedding because I ended up resenting my then fiance that I had to do all the stupid wedding shit for everybody else. And afterwards, he was the one who started resenting me because I didnt like the wedding and I don't want to look at the photos! I don't know why he thought it would be nice to have a wedding when the bride to be didnt want a wedding in the first place. And i know many of you might think i should have been more assertive....but believe me I made it very clear! I do realise that he also had a say in the matter, and that is what made it all so difficult because I felt like I had to do it for him becuase he really wanted it. So I do take responsibiltiy for agreeing to it, but I just do not handle stress well and the pressure was too much for me.

Listen up: When a bride to be says she does not want a wedding, then stop pressurising her. Listen. A woman would not lie about something like that.

So all in all: I love my husband very much, he is awesome. Please do not misinterpret this post as me being disloyal to him! I love being married to him. BUT: I wish I had eloped. I will never, ever, again let myself be pushed into something I don't want and do something just because everybody else expects it. It boils down to: what did I really want to spend my hard earned money on - inviting everyone to dinner (i.e. a wedding) or going on a cool trip (i.e. eloping).....and I definitely would have rather had a romantic stress free getaway with the love of my life!

I think if you want a wedding you need one of two things:
Either a lot of money to pay someone to do everything, OR a very supportive network of family and friends who would like to help with the wedding planning without complaining!

Edited by: Hobbes007 on Nov 26, 2011 11:14 AM

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